Gone
by Roadrunnerz
Summary: While following a lead in a gruesome homicide case, Captain Kate Beckett disappears and is eventually presumed dead. Six years later she's found, barely alive, in a cabin in the woods, only to return to a world she no longer recognizes. An Absentia-inspired Castle fic.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : Seeing all the angsty previews for Stana's upcoming new show inspired me to write a Castle fic based on a similar premise. Will post a chapter a day until the show premieres in just over a week and...probably more sporadically after that. Usual fanfic disclaimers apply and all mistakes are mine.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _Near Albany, NY_

He's never hiked this far into the woods before.

But Molly hadn't gone for a real walk in over two weeks because he's had to work late every night. Her only walks had been the go-out-and-do-your-business kind. Once around the block, long after sundown. After which he'd gone back home to stick a frozen dinner into the microwave before crashing for six hours.

So, he'd indulged her with a long walk in the woods today but now it was getting dark; not so much from the time of day, but from the ominously black clouds that covered the skies.

It started to drizzle.

He shivered in his too-thin windbreaker and noticed a familiar pain flare up in his knee. Time to go home. He was getting too old for all this. Long weeks. Longs walks.

He could barely see Molly now. His mutt was a black speck in the increasingly dense woods ahead.

The old man cupped a pair of weathered hands over his mouth and hollered. "Molly! Get back here!" He did it twice, louder the second time.

Usually, she was a good dog who listened to him. Even though she was getting on in years too, and her hearing was failing. Didn't matter. She was still the only female in his life that he trusted.

"Molly!"

No response.

He could see a moving black dot in the distance. Had to be a squirrel or a damn chipmunk. Those critters always made her oblivious to everything.

It was raining harder now and the old man was glad that he was under the cover of the trees, otherwise he'd be soaked soon.

He began walking in the direction of his dog but it took effort. The undergrowth was so thick, full of gnarly roots, storm-toppled tree limbs and slippery fallen leaves that he made slow progress, tripping nearly twice before he was within striking distance of Molly.

"For Christ's sake, Molly," he clapped his hands together. "Get over here."

But the dog wouldn't budge. She was yelping and her tail was wagging furiously.

Maybe she was stuck?

When he first approached Molly, he thought she was near a mass of trees that were bunched together unusually close but now he could see that it wasn't trees at all.

It was a man-made structure.

The old man squinted in the growing darkness and tried to make out what it was. There were vertical slats of lumber, but they were in such a state of decay that it was hard to tell that it was a building at all. It was small; barely bigger than a tool shed, and from the looks of it; on the verge of collapse.

Why the hell was there a man-made structure here, in the middle of the woods, so far away from the trail?

Raindrops fell on his head and ran down his face. Molly cocked her head in his direction, acknowledging his presence, without budging from her spot.

"Come on," he slapped his thigh and made the usual wave with his arm that always got her to come. He even pulled a dog treat out of his pocket. Once she was close enough, he'd slap the leash on her if that's what it took to get her back.

He was tired and fed up. And cold.

He held out his palm. "Come on, girl. Look what I got."

But Molly wouldn't budge. Turning down a treat was unheard of and he didn't know what to make of it. She turned her head back to the dilapidated shack, whining. A pitiful sound that made him shake his head in confusion.

"Girl, I'm sorry if your damn chipmunk ran away into that thing but I ain't goin' in there and gettin' it for you."

He was close enough to Molly now to fasten the leash around her neck and she let him do it without protest. But she still didn't move from her spot.

"Come on," he tugged at the leash but she resisted, pulling him back instead. If she was a smaller dog, he'd have picked her up, but Molly was a Shepherd-Rottie-and-something-else mix and there was no way he was dragging himself back through all that foliage with her in his arms.

He took another large step so that he was standing right next to her and could see what she was fixated on.

It was a door.

A cracked, wooden door, hanging on to one loose hinge.

The old man gave it a push but it didn't move.

Molly's whining got louder.

"Okay, okay-whatever the hell's in there better be worth all this drama." He gave it another push, putting most of his body weight behind it this time, and the door finally gave way. It flung open with a bang.

The old man flinched, afraid that he might've knocked down the entire shack but he was wrong. It held firm.

Molly was already inside and the old man followed, holding on to the leash tightly. She wasn't getting away a second time tonight.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to make out what he was seeing in the eerie darkness of the tiny room.

And when they did, he screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _12th Precinct, NYC_

It was almost midnight and Detective Kevin Ryan was tired. He didn't bother trying to mask the noisy yawn that escaped his mouth.

"Coffee?" Sergeant Esposito held out a steaming mug that he'd fetched from the break room for himself.

"No, thanks, bro. I'm calling it a night." The days when he stayed at work this late were rare, but this case has been a heartbreaker. Three illegal immigrants- teenagers all of them- killed in the span of a week, and there was no way he was gonna give any less than a hundred and ten percent to find the scum who did this.

"Captain agrees that we're probably looking at a serial killer," Espo pointed out. He took the mug of coffee and set it down at his desk, ready to settle in there for at least another couple of hours.

It's why Espo had climbed the ranks while Ryan hadn't.

It wasn't only because of test scores. It was because the guy deserved it. Javier Esposito lived and breathed police work, carrying on the Kate Beckett tradition of investigating. The one where you didn't let a single potential lead go unchecked, and then you double-checked them all again twice just to make sure you didn't miss anything. If you had to do it at the expense of sleep, so be it.

There was a time when it gnawed at him, that his partner got promoted and he didn't. But the mild envy didn't last. Ryan wasn't willing to make those kinds of sacrifices. Not when he had Jenny and two beautiful kids that needed, and rewarded, him a lot more than the 12th.

His gaze drifted towards Captain Yamato's office. They were lucky, he was one of the best in the city. But it- wasn't the same.

"Night, partner. See you tomorrow."

Espo wouldn't hold it against him.

There were only a couple of other cops still in the bullpen. Another detective filling out a case report and a uni getting ready to head back out for the night shift after he'd dragged in a guy he'd arrested during a bar fight.

He heard Espo's desk phone ring while he was buttoning up his coat and making his way to the elevators. It was getting cold out and the fall chill already had hints of winter in it.

Ryan heard the ping of the arriving elevator while visions of his bed floated into his mind. There were those new pillow cases that Jenny bought last week, the ones with an absurdly high thread count that were like silk against his cheeks. Except they weren't silk 'cause Jenny was way to practical for silk pillowcases these days. He was so ready for it. His king-size bed, Jenny's legs wrapped around his and those silk-but-not-silk pillowcases rubbing up against this cheek.

He already had one foot in the elevator when Esposito called his name from the other end of the bullpen.

His partner was on the phone, one hand over the receiver, the other wildly waving him back towards his desk.

Ryan didn't hesitate. This could only mean a major lead. Nothing else would make Javi call him back this late. A second wind hit him with a shot of adrenaline, waking him up again by the time he was back at his partner's desk.

Except Javi didn't look like he usually did when he caught a lead. What he did look like was someone who just had the ground pulled out from him. Shell-shocked.

"Are you sure?" he croaked into the receiver. "A fingerprint match?"

Ryan stared at him. Whatever this lead was, it was big.

"No-" he heard Espo say. "We'll do it. I'll call him. But we're gonna need more than fingerprints. We're gonna come up and- we need to see her. Yeah…tonight. Just-tell me the name of the hospital."

Esposito ended the call and sat down with his hand over his mouth, getting his bearings.

"What's going on? Was there another one?" Hospital meant this one might still be alive.

"Another one?"

"Another victim?"

"It's Beckett."

"What?" Ryan didn't understand.

"That was the Albany county sheriff's office on the phone. Earlier tonight some guy walking his dog in a forested area near his house found a woman in a cabin. He thought she was dead."

"Bro, what are you talking about?" A knot was forming in his gut.

"He called the police. Turns out she was still alive. Barely. They took her to a hospital as a Jane Doe 'cause she had no ID on her. Then they ran her prints and they were a match- for Kate Beckett's."

" _What_?"

"I know…" Espo's mouth hung open.

"Are you kidding me? That is not possible. You're saying some guy walking his dog in the woods near Albany found Kate Beckett. _Alive_?"

"Barely- that's what the sheriff said."

"Holy shit." Ryan's knees were about to give in. "It's been six years."

Esposito frowned. "I'm going up there."

"Now?"

"Hell, yes. You coming?"

Ryan nodded. Kate Beckett. Six years later. After everyone, _even Castle_ , had given up.

Beckett. Alive.

Of course he was coming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 _Upstate New York_

Ryan offered to drive halfway, but of course Esposito wouldn't have it. His partner was full of pent-up energy and had to release it somehow. If Esposito could have run up to Alban y he'd have done it.

So, Ryan did what any dad would do in the same situation: he napped. Tonight's shocker of a revelation might've kept Javi wide awake, but if he'd learned anything after having kids, it was that sleep was the most precious commodity in the world. You snatched it where you could.

They were halfway there after his one-hour power nap, and Ryan woke to see that Espo still had his eyes on the road with steely focus. There was not a trace of fatigue on his face.

They'd talked about the phone call during the first ten minutes of the drive. Apparently, the guy who found her was divorced, in his late sixties, out walking his dog in a small town outside Albany. He thought she was dead and called the cops. And when they got there, they found a pulse. An ambulance was called in and it raced to Albany with her.

Only thing they hadn't talked about was the elephant in the car.

"I assume they called Castle," Ryan mentioned with a yawn. Getting the last bit of sleep out of his system. It was amazing what he could do with a short nap these days.

"I told them I would."

Ryan furrowed his brows. "Did you?"

"Not yet."

"Why not?" He was fully awake now.

"I wanna see her first."

"I don't think-" He paused, weighing his words. "That this is your call. He's her husband."

"Last I checked he's someone else's husband now."

"Seriously?" Ryan turned his head and stared at him in disbelief. "After everything he did trying to find her, you're faulting the guy for-"

"No," Esposito cut him off. "Course not."

"Then why? He's got a right to know. He's her only family now, isn't he?"

"Don't you think we need to make sure it's her?"

"I thought you said they took prints?"

"What if she doesn't make it? We drag Castle up here so he can lose her again?"

"If she doesn't make it and he misses a chance to see her alive, even for five minutes, he is never going to forgive us, you do realize that, don't you?"

Javier Esposito tightened his lips and his resolve, all while his eyes never left the dark highway ahead. "I need to make sure it's her," he repeated, attempting to convince himself as much as anyone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 _Albany Medical Center, Albany, NY_

It was her.

One side of her face was covered in some sort of medical dressing and the other half of it was a dirty mess of cuts, as though a blood-thirsty cat had scratched her a dozen times. Her hair was darker and shorter than he remembered; her cheekbones more pronounced, and the handful of lines on her face were a little deeper than they used to be, but all that aside, the woman lying on the bed in the lone hospital room was definitely, unmistakeably Kate Beckett.

Javier Esposito had asked her doctor if it was okay if he moved a chair next to her bed and stayed with her for a while.

"Go ahead. Just don't try and wake her. Let her come out of it on her own. Let the drugs and the nutrients do their job to get her vitals back to where they should be."

The doctor told him and Ryan that she'd probably been in the shack for two or three days. Most likely without food and water. They also suggested that she was probably unconscious for a part of that time, thanks to that blow to her head. When she was brought in her vital organs had started to shut down and there was a good chance she wouldn't have survived the night if the old man hadn't found her when he did.

That knowledge sent goosebumps up his arm.

"She's responded to the treatment remarkably well," her doctor had told him. "Her heart rate is steady. Her vitals have stabilized. The head wound was infected and that was one of our biggest immediate concerns, but we've cleaned it out and hope the antibiotics will take it from there. There are multiple contusions and abrasions all over her body, but nothing seems broken. We'll run some more tests tomorrow, but for now I dare say she's incredibly resilient, sergeant. We have no reason to suspect that she won't pull through."

Esposito took her hand in his, careful not tangle up the IVs going into her arm, and careful not to mess with the bandages around her wrists. (Apparently, she'd torn off skin on both wrists trying to get out of the restraints the old man had found her in.)

 _You kept fighting, long after we gave up._

The guilt gnawed so deeply at him that it sliced through his gut and made him want to throw up.

Six years. He didn't want to imagine what else she's been through in the last six years, but his mind went there anyway, because he there is no way she left her family this long unless she had absolutely no choice in the matter. Unless she was held captive.

"I'm sorry, Captain."

The skin on her hand was rough and cracked. It felt like sandpaper against his own and he cradled it with more care than anything he'd held in a long time.

Still, as gentle as he was, it set off an unexpected reaction and he noticed her head turn towards him, onto the side of her face that wasn't swathed in dressing. Most unexpectedly of all, he caught her eyes opening and focusing on him.

"Jav?" He could barely make out his name, but she definitely mouthed it and with that recognition came another reaction that he hadn't expected, her lips curled upward in the slightest sign of relief.

She was glad to see him.

"Kate-?"

But her heavy eyelids already closed again and she drifted back into oblivion. Esposito desperately wanted to talk to her, but at the same time he was glad that she was in some sort of peaceful state after the horrible condition they'd found her in.

"Hey," Kevin Ryan strode into the room with him noticing. "Didn't the doc say you're not supposed to wake her?"

"I didn't," Esposito shot back. "She woke up on her own."

"She did?" He scratched the stubble on his skin. "'What am I saying? Course she did. It's Beckett."

"Just for a second."

Ryan grabbed the lone chair that was propped against the wall and pushed it next to his partner. "That's gotta be a good sign, right?"

Esposito shrugged. What did he know about these things? But he did know what he saw on her face and if him being here was a good thing for her, then he'd stay the night.

"Where do we go from here?"

"We get her a protective detail, 'cause whoever left her out to die in that cabin is still out there. I'm hoping she can tell us who it is once she wakes up, but if she's not ready for that by morning I still wanna talk to the guy that found her- tell me you don't think it's a little too convenient that the guy just happened to go off trail and end up in that cabin?"

"The cops that interviewed him said they don't think there's anything suspicious. Apparently, he was a mess afterwards. Real shook up."

"Or a good actor."

"You do know we have zero jurisdiction here, right?"

"We're talking about our Captain. There's not a police force in the country that won't give us the courtesy of interviewing the guy who found her after six years."

"All right," Ryan stretched his legs, putting his feet on the railing of her bed, even though a passing nurse in the hallway threw him a look. "We'll go see him first thing in the morning."

"You tell Jenny why you were coming up here tonight?"

Ryan shook his head. "Nah. Didn't feel right. Not before-"

"Before we tell Castle," Esposito finished for him.

"Yeah."

Esposito turned to him and the unease on his partner's face was written all over it, like an open book. "I know we need to call him."

"I talked to the doc and he thinks you've called him already. He thinks that Castle's on his way here. You haven't made the call, have you?"

Javier sighed. He'd take a bullet for his partner without a moment's hesitation but did he have to be so self-righteous all the time? "Not yet."

"What are you waiting for?"

Javier still held on to her hand, in spite of his growing irritation. "Nothing." Maybe he was still pissed at the guy and just refused to admit it. He didn't blame Castle for ending the search for Beckett. He'd basically burned his life savings and almost forgot that he had a kid to look after. He'd also come dangerously close to losing custody of Lily before having to spend time with a court-ordered shrink.

So, no.

He'd never fault the guy for thinking she was dead. For stopping the search. Hell, all of them had tried to get him to stop a couple of years before he actually did.

But did he have to re-marry? What was it with Richard Castle and walking down the aisle? Javier got heart palpitations at the mere thought of committing to one woman. Never mind four.

Ryan was staring at her now. "Can you imagine? Lily was three when Beckett disappeared. She's nine now. Nine! I used to go crazy when Sarah-Grace went away to summer camp for ten days. Can you imagine missing six years of your kid's life?" He ran a hand through his thinning blond hair. "What a mess."

"Then there's her Dad," Esposito added. "You think there's any way she knows?"

Ryan exhaled. "I don't know."

"Do you wanna do it?" Javier asked him.

"Call Castle?"

"Yeah." Esposito knew it should be him, as the higher-ranking officer. But it was about more than that. All of them were a family. He took Lily to Yankees games and Kevin spent one Friday evening a month at the Old Haunt with Rick. "He's different with you." They were closer, Castle and Ryan, than Javier ever had been with him. It was that simple. Same as he'd always been closer to Beckett than Ryan was.

"You're right. I'll do it." Ryan nodded. "I should've offered."

"No, I should be the one."

Ryan loosened his tie. "It's almost 4 a.m."

"Let's wait another two, three hours 'til morning."

"Yeah, maybe. Let's not yank him out of bed in the middle of the night." Ryan had stepped up to the plate and offered to make the call, because that's what cops, _partners_ , did. But now that the enormity of it hit him, he was overwhelmed too.

"Get a couple of hours of sleep."

"What about you?"

"I'm good."

"You're not."

Javier cracked his first smile of the night. "You're right. I'm not. Six years, Kev." He turned back to Beckett, a million questions running through his head. "I feel like shit right now. But I do know I'm not gonna fall asleep. We let her down, big time. But I guarantee you the guy that did this to her, he is not gonna get a chance to finish the job. Not while I'm around."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 _New York City, NY_

Hayley heard the phone buzz before he did. All her years working for British intelligence had made her a light sleeper. And he- he'd only just started sleeping well again recently. So, truth was, she was glad that he was no longer startled awake by every horn and every loud conversation on the street below. Even if that meant she was the one now dragging her sleepy, naked ass out of bed.

Because, damn, this caller was persistent.

The phone kept buzzing even after she tried to ignore the first few rings.

She swiped it open to answer the call.

"Hey, Javier," was the most cheerful greeting she could muster after seeing the name on the screen. The boys loved to rib Castle about his crazy theories, but they still kept calling him for help with their cases. Often at the most ridiculous hours of the day.

Part of her wished they'd stop. He wasn't part of the team at the 12th anymore and every time he stepped back into that building he left it with a sombre mood that would linger for the rest of the day. Because everything about that place brought him back to her.

"Is Castle there?"

"Good morning to you too," she shot back, indignant. She used to get along so well with the boys. It even appeared that they were on the same team for a while when they all put up a unified front to pull Castle away from his obsession and back into the land of the living. But things had changed after the wedding.

It's as though they were perfectly fine with her presence in their lives, until she ended up taking Beckett's place. In every sense of the word.

She kept telling herself that she didn't give a damn what Kate's former partners thought of her. None of this was about them. But it also wasn't entirely true. There were times when it still stung, and right now, when Esposito couldn't so much as muster the courtesy of a hello, was one of them.

This had better be important.

"It's 7 a.m, Javier. He's sleeping," she told him. "Can I take a message?"

"No, you need to wake him. I need to talk to him."

"Seriously?"

"Please, Hayley." His voice finally softened. "Can you get him for me?"

"Okay." Her voice softened too, her irritation suddenly replaced with a sense of unease. She never in a hundred years imagined herself as a doting, overprotective wife. But she _was_ protective of this kind, good, wonderful man, who'd gone through hell and back in the last six years.

If anyone dared to drag him back there, they'd have to go through her first.

Hayley covered the phone with her hand because Javier didn't need to hear her waking up her husband.

She did it with a kiss on his lips. One that spread them into a sleepy smile. "Morning, darling."

"Morning," his blue eyes opened and lingered on hers. It still made her stomach do silly teenagey, flip-floppy things when he looked at her like that. Good lord, she was such a goner when it came to Richard Castle. When exactly did that happen?

She wanted to turn off the phone and make out.

"It's Esposito on the phone for you."

He sat up against the pillows that they'd both pushed up against the backboard at some point during the course of the night, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

This too was classic Castle.

He never hesitated when it came to the boys. They could call at three in the morning with some stupid question that only he could answer and he'd be there for them. Without fail, as though he owed them something.

It pissed her off sometimes, but she'd never say it out loud. That was one fight she wasn't sure she'd win.

He took the phone and Haley watched him as he answered, remaining silent while Esposito filled him in on whatever case details he had this time.

"What?" Castle barely managed to get out that one word and that's when Haley noticed the colour in his face literally changing in front of her eyes, from white to grey to very white. "When?"

The unease that gripped her a moment ago was now so strong that it made her hold her breath.

"How- how is that possible?"

"Yeah, yeah-I'll be there."

"No, now. I'll drive up."

"Yes. I am. I'm capable of driving, damn it."

She watched him push the covers off the bed, as if on some sort of stunned auto-pilot. As if she wasn't in the room anymore.

Castle jumped out of bed so quickly that he stumbled and almost tripped over a piece of her lingerie that was lying on the floor.

"Hey!" It gave her a chance to grab his wrist. "What's going on, Rick? Javi calls you at seven in the morning and you just race out the door?"

He stopped in his tracks, still sickly pale. "It's Beckett-"

"What?"

"They-" He couldn't get the words out.

"Rick, what is it? Tell me." Her unease was a full-on hurricane now. Raging inside her.

"They found her-" A sob wracked him and he couldn't finish the sentence.

Castle resisted but Hayley pulled him into her embrace. He was not going to face this alone. No way. Not a chance.

"Oh my love, I'm so, so sorry." She'd often wondered whether this moment would ever come. Whether one day they'd get the call about finding a body.

She'd dreaded and wanted it in equal parts. It would kill the last vestiges of hope that he still held on to, and that would kill a part of him.

But it would also give him closure. And she wanted that so badly for him; for him to be free of that one last chain that bound him and stopped him from moving on for good. For the rest of his life.

Rick gently eased out of her embrace, tears were welling up in his eyes. "No, no- not what you think."

"What do you mean?"

"Not her body, Hayley. They found her! Alive. Kate's alive!"

It hit her then, the reason he was crying and unable to stop.

It wasn't grief; it was joy.

Her hands slid off his arm and the unease tormenting her insides immediately morphed into something else.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 _New York City, NY_

"Let me go with you." She said it for the third time. This time while watching him put on a pair of jeans with record speed, tucking his shirt into them as soon as his legs were upright.

He wasn't shaky anymore.

Instead, he was running on pure adrenaline. And maybe something else.

"No," he insisted. "Stay with Lily. I can't get anyone to look after her on such short notice. Please, will you get her ready for school?"

"Alexis can be here in ten minutes if she calls a cab!"

"Honey," he'd grabbed her arms, rooting her into place. Maybe because she was unaware that she'd been pacing in the bedroom. "I love you for wanting to come but I need to see her alone."

"This is a lot for you to deal with."

"I'm gonna be okay," he reassured her. "This is…Hayley, it's a not a body. It's her! She's alive and Espo said she's gonna be all right. She's gonna pull through." His entire face lit up and he looked at her as if he was hoping that her face would mirror that joy.

She managed a smile. "It's amazing, Rick. Incredible news."

He leaned over to kiss her. "I love you. But I need to do this on my own."

She nodded, trying hard to put herself in his shoes. Not sure that she was succeeding.

"Haley-"

"Yes?"

"Don't say anything to Lily. Not yet. Not until we know more."

"I won't. Promise."

"I need to see how she's doing is first. I need to know what happened…six years, Hayley. We spent years looking for her and now she's…she's alive." His eyes were watering again. "I don't know how that's possible. Where has she been? What's happened to her?" Her brilliant wordsmith could barely string two words together right now.

Hayley held back from throwing her arms around him again.

"I could drive you," she tried one more time. Because she hated the thought of him driving in his current state. Didn't want to think of how fast he'd try to get there.

"I'm capable of driving up there. Javier managed as well."

Beckett wasn't Javier's former wife, Haley wanted to point out, but she bit her tongue. "Please drive carefully."

"I will."

"Go," she told him, somehow finding the willpower to nudge him towards the door, but not before planting another kiss on his cheek. "Go see her. Call me when you get there. Please."

"Of course."

He said it and Hayley knew he meant it, but she doubted he would. He was completely overwhelmed and the entire world around him always had a tendency to take a back seat once Kate Beckett entered his sphere. Even in normal circumstances.

And nothing about this was normal.

 _I swear to God, Kate. If you knowingly and willing stayed away from him because of some half-assed, self-righteous, paranoid need-to-keep-him-safe reason, I am going to make you wish you'd stayed dead._

The thought sent a guilty flush into her cheeks. It was a terrible thing to think and she tried to shake the thought from her mind.

Not that it would have been the first time that Beckett left her husband under the pretext of protecting him.

 _But I'd like to think that even you, one of the most obsessive and driven cops in the NYPD, would not do that to your husband and daughter for six years. I don't believe you're that cruel. No way.  
_

"I love you," she mumbled to her husband, but he was already halfway out the door and Hayley wasn't sure that he heard her.

She sank down onto the mattress, weak-kneed when she saw the alarm clock on the bedside table.

7:17 a.m.

She'd wake Lily soon. Have breakfast with her and get her ready for school. It's what Castle usually did, because he was still making up for lost time and because he loved to see his daughter's amusement when he decorated her pancakes.

Sometimes Hayley would join them, other times she'd head off to the PI agency instead, letting the two of them be. She wasn't much of a breakfast person anyway, and there were still days when she felt like a third wheel during their father-daughter times.

Much as she'd grown to love Lily, she had a gut feeling that they'd never be as close as she was with Rick's older daughter, Alexis.

The fact that she was Kate Beckett's kid probably had something to do with it.

Lily could be as giggly and chatty as any almost-ten-year old when she was with her Dad, but she had a serious side too, one that made her seem much older than she was. It was like a wall of sorts, one that Hayley still hadn't managed to break through. Or even understand.

Both sisters adored each other, but Lily's personality was so very different from that of Alexis.

Alexis.

Hayley dialed her best friend's number before she thought twice about it. Her world was on the verge of collapse after one phone call from Esposito and she desperately needed someone to talk to. Besides, she wasn't the type to bottle things up.

Rick might've made her promise not to tell Lily but he didn't say anything about Alexis.

"Hey it's me," She announced after Castle's oldest picked up after three rings.

"Haley-" There was something off in her voice. Hayley could tell simply from the way she said her name.

"You okay, girl?"

"I-I don't know-" Was there a chance that she already knew? Had Castle called her from the car? So quickly?

"Have you heard the news?"

"News? No, what news?" Her voice perked up and she sounded more like the Alexis Castle that Hayley knew so well. No, Rick hadn't called her. Haley was certain of it.

"Can you come over?"

"To the PI agency?"

"No, to the loft. I need to get Lily ready for school, but afterwards I really need to talk you."

"Me too," Alexis exhaled into the phone. "I need to talk to you too."

"Come over and I'll make us breakfast." Hayley ended the call and wondered what _that_ was all about.

As if this morning could get any messier than it already was.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 _Albany, NY_

After texting Esposito and getting the location of her room, he by-passed the nurse's station and raced right up to it, surprised to find Kevin Ryan standing outside in the hallway.

"Kev?" Castle questioned. "You're here too? Espo didn't mention you were."

"How could I not?"

Even his muddled and hyper-fuelled brain noticed that something didn't add up. "When was she brought in?"

"Last night."

"Last night when?"

"Around eight maybe?"

"And when did _you_ get the call?"

"This...this morning." Kevin's guilty face told him everything he needed to know, and so did the detective's wrinkled, obviously-slept-in suit.

"Bullshit."

Kevin Ryan sighed. "We got the call late last night. They took prints because they brought her in as a Jane Doe and as soon as they found that they were a match for Beckett's they called the 12th, where Espo and I were just getting in after a long day."

"So you waited until seven this morning to let me know?"

"I'm sorry," Kevin told him. "We wanted to come up ourselves and make sure."

Castle fumed. He considered Ryan a friend. A good friend. But even after all this time, they still treated him with kid gloves. They still kept things from him, things that he had more of a right to know than anyone else did, because they didn't think he could handle it.

It made him want to punch a wall.

But not now. A fight with the two of them was the last thing he needed. He pushed aside his anger because he needed to see her and he needed more answers. Especially since Esposito had ignored all three of his calls while he was en route here.

"How is she?"

"She wasn't in great shape when they brought her in. Badly dehydrated, abrasions, contusions, all over her body. They took some scans to make sure nothing was broken and that there was no internal damage. Apparently, they didn't find anything life-threatening. Only thing that concerned them was a blow to the side of the head."

"Blow to the head?"

"The doctor said it looks like she was hit on the side of the head with a stick. Tree branch maybe? They extracted bits of wood when they cleaned it up."

Castle swallowed. Nauseated. "I want to see her."

"Yeah, of course," Ryan nodded. "But just so you know. She was unconscious when they brought her in and still is. She only woke up briefly last night."

"She hasn't said anything yet?"

"Not yet."

"We have no idea how she got out to that place in the woods?"

"No," Ryan admitted. "Forensics sent a team out there so hopefully they'll find something we can go on. But I think Beckett's the one who'll be able to tell us more than anyone."

Castle agreed, but the pull to see her was so strong that the endless questions that ran through his brain on the ride up here suddenly took a back seat.

"The doc said she'd probably be out for another few hours."

"Okay." He didn't care. She was here. _Alive_.

His legs propelled him into the room, oblivious to the fact that Ryan was still talking and trying to tell him something else.

She was sleeping, or unconscious maybe, when he approached the bed.

"Kate," he whispered her name aloud, unable to stop staring at the face that was still as familiar to him as his own. His lips had once trailed every line and every curve of it and he thought they never would again.

"Kate-" It was a sob.

He hadn't noticed Ryan entering the room behind him. "You all right?"

Castle turned to him, finding a way to muster every ounce of self-composure he had left. He was not going to have a melt down here and now in front of Kevin Ryan. Was not going to give them one more reason to coddle him. "Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone with her? I just- I need a few minutes alone."

"Sure. Of course." Ryan answered with an understanding nod and left as quietly as he had come.

Castle exhaled and gave himself a moment before he ghosted an index finger from her temple, down her cheek and to her jawline, reacquainting himself with the feel of her skin.

But there were so many scratches on it that it felt foreign. Grazes clawing out angrily from underneath the bandaged side of her head and growing purple welts all over her arms. And that was only the skin he could see.

He wanted to slide the blanket off her body and examine the rest. To check out every inch, and even more than that, he desperately wanted to do something to make them all go away. Because every cut on her body was a testament to the fact that he gave up too soon. A reminder that he shouldn't have listened to them and continued to search for her. He should have followed his heart, not his head.

Because deep down inside, he always knew that she was still out there.

"Oh Kate."

Castle allowed his knees to buckle and he sank down into the chair that someone had propped up next to her bed. Then he took one of her hands into both of his and pulled it up to his lips. A gentle collision of tender flesh and calloused knuckles.

Then he closed his eyes and stopped fighting the inevitable tears that he could no longer hold back. They burst out ungracefully along with a howl of ugly, racking sobs that shook his body and released six years of grief and longing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 _New York City, NY_

"Kate's alive?" Alexis's eyes were as wide as Hayley had ever seen them. "Whoa. That's …just. Wow. How… _how_?"

Hayley needed the answer to that question too, as much as Alexis did. Maybe more. "I don't know."

Alexis arrived at the loft right after Hayley dropped Lily off at school and now they were sitting on the couch in the living room, drinking tea that she could barely taste, because this morning's news had killed every bit of her appetite, and apparently, it murdered her taste buds too. She'd told Alexis about the phone call as soon as they sat down.

"And Dad just took off for Albany? Alone?"

"Of course he did," Hayley sighed. It hadn't meant to sound jealous, resentful even, but she knew it did, she could hear it in her own voice.

"Hey," Alexis cocked her head.

She set down her cup of tea. "Kate has this pull on him. I could barely compete with that when she was dead. I don't think I stand a chance when she's-"

"Hey!" Alexis looked at her in disbelief. "Where did this attitude come from? This...this doesn't resemble my kickass best friend at all."

Hayley mustered a smile. "I feel horrible for thinking this, Lex. Lily's mother is alive! I love that girl, and I should be happy for her, right? Kate and I…we were friends before she disappeared! But all I can think about is, what does this mean for my marriage? Is it even valid? It feels so very wrong to be thinking this right now but I can't help it, and you're the only one I can admit it too."

"It's not wrong. You're human." Alexis ran a hand through her hair, threading her fingers through the long, red strands and pushing it over her forehead. "But I do think you're jumping the gun."

"What do you mean?"

"You said she was brought to the hospital unconscious. Do we know what kind of state she's in? Physically? Psychologically?"

"No," Hayley conceded. "I don't know much of anything yet. I don't think anyone does."

"Exactly," Alexis pointed out. "We don't know if Beckett is anything like the woman we remember. Keep that in mind before you throw in the towel on your marriage, okay?"

"Hey...I'm not giving up on my marriage," Hayley shot back. Defensively. "Your Dad, you and this family, you're the best thing in my life."

Alexis smiled. "Good. That sounds more like my best friend. You know that no matter what happens, I'm on your side. He doesn't always see it but you're the best thing in the world for him. You're also forgetting that things weren't exactly great between them before she disappeared."

"You're right." Hayley conceded. "They weren't." Alexis had a way of doing that. Of grounding her and reminding her of the facts. Funny, she used to be the one to do that for her.

"My Dad loves you," Alexis added. "Beckett being alive won't change that."

Hayley nodded. Castle did love her. She had no doubts about that. But she wasn't convinced about the second part, that Beckett being back in the equation wouldn't change anything.

"Does Lily know?"

"Not yet. Your Dad asked me to hold off telling her."

"This is going to confuse her so much," Alexis mumbled and now Hayley detected some bitterness from her friend too. It lessened her guilt, knowing she wasn't the only one who wasn't jumping for joy at the thought of Kate Beckett returning to the land of the living.

"Don't get me wrong," Alexis back-tracked. "I don't want terrible things happening to Kate. I loved her too. But the things she did, her work and her obsessions…they keep turning this family upside down! They hurt Dad and Lily." Alexis set down her cup with a frown. "I'm not okay with that. Lily's a happy kid now, and it's only because Dad finally stopped searching for Kate."

"All right, I think I feel better," Haley smirked. "Thanks."

"Anytime." Alexis grinned. "Do you know if he's seen her yet?"

"No," Hayley replied. "I'm trying hard to give him a bit of space. To not call him every ten minutes even though I'm dying to know."

"I'll call him," Alexis shot back. "I need to know how he's doing. I also need to know whether we can tell my little sister before she finds out from someone else. Let's face it, this is gonna be a big story. How long before it's plastered all over the news?"

"Good point," Hayley said with a frown. "Hopefully not before school's out today."

"You should go to Albany," Alexis said pensively after finishing her tea. "Be with my Dad. He needs to know that you're there for him."

"He asked me not to."

"He's not thinking straight!"

"I…" Hayley would be lying if she said she hadn't contemplated hopping into her car and driving up there the second she dropped Lily off at school. Multiple times. "I want to, but I also want to respect his wishes. At least for now."

"He needs you," Alexis reiterated. "You're his wife now. You have every right to be there."

The topic made her stomach churn. The sudden notion that she was... one of two wives?. She needed a change of topic. "You said you had something you needed to talk about."

Alexis looked at her with a lop-sided smile. "I did. I _do_ …" Then she raised a brow. "But then you drop a bombshell on me the second I walk into the loft."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I'm kidding."

"Tell me now. Help me think about something else."

"I have a bombshell too."

Hayley's gaze was fixated on her, trying to make out what was behind the mix of trepidation and elation on her friend's face. "Well, go on. Spit it out."

"You know I told you I think I had food poisoning a few days ago, 'cause I threw up so much?"

"Yes?" Hayley didn't see how this warranted elation.

"Except it didn't go away. I've been puking all week. Especially first thing in the morning."

"Alexis," Concern wrinkled her forehead. "You should see a doctor."

"I thought so too, but then something else occurred to me. Leon on and I, we've been together so long, we've been careless lately."

"Careless?"

"About using protection. It's, you know…." Hayley nodded. They'd talked about this because they talked about everything. "Because of the hard time I had with the pill and the IUD, we've always left it up to him."

Hayley's face lit up. It made sense now. The elation and for the first time today she felt truly excited. "Are you…?"

"I took a test this morning. One of those pee-on-the-stick things."

"And?"

"According to that I am," Alexis was grinning massively, from ear to ear. "I'm going to be a mom!"

Hayley scooted closer to her on the couch and wrapped Alexis up in a hug. Her happiness genuine and deep. Rick would be over the moon too. "Oh girl, I am _so_ happy for you. You have no idea."

This was the kind of bombshell that she didn't mind at all.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** With Absentia premiering today (yay!) I'm going to end my chapter-a-day posting schedule (I only wish I could write so fast!) and post once a week from now on, probably on Sundays. Big thanks and hugs to those who came along for my pre-premiere mini-binge-marathon. :)

* * *

 **Chapter 9  
**

 _Albany, NY_

"I thought she was dead."

The old man said it a second time, while his dog was checking out Javier Esposito, sniffing parts of his body that Esposito wished she wouldn't.

"She was lyin' on the ground," he went on, staring straight ahead, into the wall behind Esposito. "Completely still." He picked up a cup of tea with shaky hands. "And the side of her head-". He swallowed and set the cup back down before continuing. "It was awful. All caked with blood and dirt and there were flies buzzing around it." He pressed a hand to the side of his temple at the memory. "It was so disgusting. I didn't want to touch her, didn't want to mess anything up 'cause of evidence and that stuff, you know?"

Esposito nodded. "It's all right. You couldn't have known."

"I should've-" He reprimanded himself. "I should've done something. Should've checked for a pulse. Should've helped her out while the cops were coming. But I just- I didn't wanna go near her- and she was so still." He rubbed his eyes and Javier could see the torment written all over them. "I'm a coward, aren't I?"

"No. You're not." Esposito's voice cut through the man's obvious agony. "You didn't know and you called the cops as soon as you found her. They got the paramedics there as fast as they could. That means you saved her life."

"Is she…?"

"She's gonna be okay," Javier told him and now he saw relief on the old man's features. The Albany cops were right. Unless the guy was the world's best actor, there was no way he was implicated in this in any way. He was a divorcé in his sixties who worked a desk job at a hydro company. One that had recently laid off a fifth of its workforce and now expected those remaining to make up for it. He lived alone with his dog in a modest town-home apartment. Sang in the church choir and paid his alimony on time.

Nothing about his story had changed from what he'd told the local cops last night.

Even the reason why he chose a trail that he didn't usually take checked out. He said it was because there was a Girl Scout event in the area of the park he usually went to, and that his dog, Molly, didn't like being around kids.

"I'm glad she's gonna be okay," the old man said. "I couldn't sleep last night. Kept seeing her face, lying on the ground. The way she was toppled over and still tied to that chair."

The cops had taken photographs once they arrived at the scene. Javier had seen them and the memory of it nauseated him all over again. He had no desire for a second look unless it was necessary. He wasn't surprised that the old guy was so spooked by what he'd seen that he hadn't been able to sleep. He'd probably need help of sorts to get over it, counselling or medication, like most people did who weren't used to the horrors of crime scenes.

"Is it true that she's a policewoman?"

"Yes."

"I didn't know there was a missing policewoman. I don't remember hearing anything about it on the news."

"She's an NYPD captain. She went missing six years ago, during a murder case."

"Six years? That's crazy."

 _Crazy doesn't begin to tell the story_ , Javier thought, before closing his notebook and getting up from the dining table chair he sat on during their interview.

He petted the dog's head, gave the man his card and told him to call if he remembered anything else.

Then he stepped outside into the sunny fall day and called Ryan.

"Yo, how are things at the hospital? She awake yet?"

" _Not yet. But she's stable and Castle's here. He's been by her side since he got here and he's pissed we didn't call him sooner."_

That didn't surprise him, but it also didn't make him regret the decision not to. "Any word from the forensics team at the site?"

" _Also negative. So far the only prints they found at the site were Beckett's and the old guy's."_

"Okay, I'm gonna head to the motel for a shower and a nap and then meet you back at the hospital."

" _Might you join for that nap,"_ Ryan yawned at the other end.

"As long as you do it in your own room."

" _Like I'd wanna be anywhere near those socks you've been wearing for two days now."_

Javier rolled his eyes. "You got us two rooms and left my keys at the reception, right?"

" _That's right. Detective at your service, Sarge."_

"Go get that nap, bro. You're sounding delirious."

He did need a shower and a change of clothes. But the former would have to do. He guessed that the roadside motel where Ryan got them rooms wouldn't have express dry cleaning.

However, he hoped they did have those mini-toothbrushes and razors that some hotels had, because he desperately needed those too.

 _I also need you to wake up, Kate_ , he thought glumly. _Because right now it looks like you're the only one who can give us any answers._


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 _Albany, NY_

"Castle?"

He'd drifted off after a couple of hours, after the adrenaline rush that had brought him to Albany in record speed suddenly crashed, lulled into an unexpected slumber by the hypnotic whirs of a hospital at work.

But he woke up when he felt someone squeezing his hand.

"Castle?"

Her voice was calling his name. A voice he thought he'd never hear again. A voice he'd listened to almost every night for two years, in whatever form he could, whether it was voice mails that he never erased and played on auto-loop, or silly videos that he took when Lily was learning to walk, because he needed to hear it. Because he couldn't live in a world where her voice no longer existed and would never say his name again.

And now she was calling him.

She was looking up and staring at him, too. Six years after she'd last walked out the doors of their home, telling him she had to meet the boys to follow up on a new lead in the Box Cutter Killer case, Kate Beckett's eyes locked with his once more.

"Hey," he barely got the word out.

Her hand squeezed his again, stronger this time. "Castle? What happened?"

"I, uh-I could ask you the same thing."

Her brows furrowed, the way they used to, when she focused on a murder board in irritation, trying to put together puzzle pieces that wouldn't fit.

Beckett pushed herself off the pillow, but her elbow couldn't hold the weight, and it collapsed like a twig snapping in half. It made her fall back down clumsily, landing sideways on the pillow, right on the bandaged side of her head.

"Ugh," she groaned, her eyes shut tight again.

Castle jumped up to help her turn around so she could lie on her back. "Jesus, Kate, take it easy. You just woke up." Six years later and she was still the same Kate Beckett he remembered.

She slowly opened her eyes again and turned sideways with a wince. "How long?" she asked, "How long have I been out?"

How long? After six years that was her most pressing question?

"Uhm, twelve, fourteen hours maybe? Longer probably, from before you were brought here."

She stared at him. Perplexed. "How did I end up here?"

Something was off. No, everything was off about her reaction to seeing him. She was acting like someone who'd slipped and hit her head on the way to work, annoyed to find herself waking up in the hospital. Not like she'd been missing for six years. "You don't remember how you got here? Being in that shack in the woods?"

She focused on him now, as if expecting him to tell her the answer. "I- I, no-I just, I really don't know," she sounded frustrated. Upset. "Castle, what are you talking about? Shack in the woods?"

"Kate," he squeezed her hand. "What do you remember?"

He could literally see her thinking hard. Making the effort to answer his question. "I don't know," she swallowed. "I remember going out." She groaned and moved a hand to her forehead. "God- it's so weird. Fuzzy. I can't put the pieces together in my brain."

"It's okay if you don't remember right now. Take it easy. Are you hurting? Tell me."

"Feel sore. Everywhere." She winced. "And I have a killer headache."

"I bet." Ryan's words echoed in his head - "… looks like she was hit on the side of the head with a stick. Maybe even a tree branch. They extracted bits of wood when they cleaned it up." "I can get a nurse and ask her if they can increase the pain meds."

"No, it's fine. I can handle it. Castle, just tell me what happened? I feel like a truck ran over me."

He was staring at her now, and for a second he wondered if this was a ploy. He wanted to shake her.

 _Four years, Kate. I searched for you for four years!_

He wanted to shout it out loud.

But there was so much fear and confusion in the way she looked at him that he pushed his own maelstrom of emotions to the side. Batting them down for now.

"Babe," her hand was reaching for his again. Seeking his skin the way she used to. "Why do you look so worried? I'm gonna be okay, right?"

"Yeah…you're gonna be okay."

The terror in her eyes receded. "Okay, good. Don't look so worried. You're scaring me."

"Kate-" He could barely get the words out past the massive lump in his throat. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"Why?"

"Just tell me, please."

She narrowed her brows again. Defensively this time. "I told you, I remember going out."

"Out from where?"

"From our home. The loft."

"You remember leaving the loft?"

"Yeah, there was…" She closed her eyes as if trying to concentrate. It looked like she was hurting from the sheer effort of it, when she opened them again. "A lead. There was a lead and I had to go."

"A lead?"

She was silent, looking up at him. "It's- it's fuzzy, Rick. Like there's cotton in my brain. It was…the cutter, Box Cutter." She was breathing heavily, the strain of the conversation taking its toll, and the part of him that still loved her way too much wanted to tell her to stop but another part of him, the one that was desperate for every crumb, wouldn't let her.

"The guy who left the messages on my phone. The threats. The one who slashed his victims' faces with a box cutter." She struggled to piece the memory together. "Was he the one who put me here? Castle, you were there with me when I got the call. You remember too, don't you?"

"Kate, that call…that happened six years ago. Right before you disappeared."

Her jaw dropped. " _What_?"

"That can't be the last thing you remember!"

"Castle, what the hell? Six years? What are you talking about? What kind of game are you playing?" She pushed herself forward again and this time, thanks to what was probably an adrenaline rush, she succeeded, and ripped out an IV needle in the process.

"Kate, stop!"

Her hand gripped his shirt and the colour of her face was starting to match the white of her bed sheets. "Six years? What are you saying six years?"

"Calm down, sweetheart."

Castle hadn't noticed the doctor who now stood next to him, entering the room. "What's going on here?"

"Castle, answer me!"

He tried to gently uncurl her fingers from his shirt, because they were clutching it in a death grip. Maybe she looked fragile, but she was still strong.

"Kate, you have to calm down. Please."

She'd thrown the sheet off and violently ripped out a second IV before the doctor pressed a call button and two nurses came running in. It took both of them to hold her down while a third nurse came in with a syringe and injected it into Kate's arm.

"Is that necess…" He couldn't finish the question because the doctor was already getting into his face.

"Mr. Castle, I didn't think I'd have to warn you not to get her upset like this. Clearly, I was wrong."

It was a punch to the gut. Six years since he'd seen her. And now, a few minutes after she woke up, after God knows what she'd been through, he'd worked her up into such a panic and such frenzy that she had to be sedated back into unconsciousness.

Jesus. What the hell was wrong with him?

"I'm sorry," he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I asked her to remember," he turned to the doctor. "She said she doesn't remember anything. Is that possible? Is it the head injury?"

"Look," he said sternly. "We don't know much about the full extent of her injuries yet, but one thing is certain: whatever caused her to react the way she did, you keep that topic off limits when she wakes up next time. Is that clear? She's not physically ready for this kind of stress. If you can't adhere to that, I'll have to ask you to stay away from her."

Now it was his turn to panic.

"I won't," he promised. "I never had any intention of upsetting her. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

The doctor's face searched his for a sign of deception and when he didn't find one, he gave Castle the slightest nod. "Good."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** Not sure I'll get around to posting tomorrow morning so putting this up a day early. Wishing any fellow Canadians reading a happy Thanksgiving weekend! :)

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

 _Albany, New York_

Both Esposito and Ryan told him that they should be the ones here next time she woke. But Castle wasn't having any of it. Not anymore.

The only thing he'd conceded to was Javier coming here to give him a pee break and a chance to stretch his legs in the hospital hallway.

He'd also let them bring him a sandwich and a coffee by the time five o'clock rolled around. A bunch of doctors had come in to poke and prod her and take some more blood, but even that hadn't woken her up.

Now it was close to eight o'clock and he'd spent the entire day sitting in this room. Watching. Waiting.

Not that he minded. Because Kate was here and alive and he still had a hard time digesting that fact.

After the boys realized that Castle wasn't going to let them kick him out of the hospital room for Beckett's well being, Ryan headed back to New York City. Meanwhile Castle had four voicemails on his phone. Three from Hayley and one from Alexis. He hadn't listened to any of them.

But he had glanced at the latest text from his wife.

-If you don't answer in the next ten minutes, I'm coming up there.

 _Shit._

It was written over a half hour ago.

Castle typed in a response:

-Waiting for Kate to wake up. I need some more time. Don't come up yet. Love you.

He'd only just hit send when he noticed that Beckett was staring at him.

"Is it true?"

"Kate?" Castle looked at her in disbelief. She couldn't have been awake for long because he'd hardly taken his eyes off her the entire day.

She turned her head to the side in order to see him better. "You said I was gone for six years. Is it true or was I dreaming? Or am I going crazy?"

"You're not going crazy," he said softly.

"Dreaming?"

"No."

"Prove it."

The challenge took him aback and so did the fact that she seemed way too lucid so soon after waking up. After being knocked out by those sedatives took her under for most of the day.

"I'm not supposed to talk about it."

She squinted her eyes, confused. "Why?"

"You remember what you did before the doc came in here and injected you with a sedative?"

She frowned and he caught shame and irritation on her face. Six years later, and he could still read her with ease. "I lost it."

"I hate that they drugged you, but you were-"

"Hysterical. Violent," she finished for him. "I ripped out an IV. Hurt."

"I bet." He was still in awe of it all. That she was here. Talking to him. Calmly this time, taking in the facts, like the Beckett he used to know. The kickass detective who'd always weighed all the evidence before reaching a conclusion.

It also made him optimistic, to see that her memory of events since waking up was perfect. "You remember that?"

"I do, yes."

"But you don't remember how you ended up here, in the hospital?"

"No." It was a whisper and it heard the fear in her voice. "I don't. That's not normal is it?"

"You got hit on the head. That could be the reason. Temporary amnesia."

"Is it?" He could still read that, too. Her don't-bullshit-me look. "I asked you to prove it to me, Castle."

He turned to the door, half expecting an eavesdropping doctor to come in and kick him out. "You have to promise me that no matter what I tell you, you won't react the way you did last time. You can't, Kate. Not for me because I can handle it…but if one of the docs sees it, they'll knock you out again and then they'll kick me out for good."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Proof, Castle," she repeated. But there was fatigue in her voice now. The earlier clarity was fading fast. "Don't think I'm gonna last long. So tired."

He reached across the sheet for her hand and took it into both of his own. Ran his thumb across the top in slow, deliberate strokes. "Can you feel that?"

"Yes."

He stopped for a second and then started again, turning her hand over so that his thumb stroked her palm. A single fluid stroke until it stopped and he dug his nail into her skin. "How about that?"

"Yeah…"

"There's your proof that you're not dreaming. This. Us, here, now. All of it is real. You can't feel the sensation of touch in dreams."

"Okay," she squeezed his hand back for insurance and it broke his heart to know that she still trusted him, in spite of everything.

 _You shouldn't. I gave up too son._

"Our daughter was three the last time you saw her, almost four. She'll be turning ten two months from now."

Kate didn't say anything but her eyes were slowly filling with tears. It brought back the doctor's words and they rang through his head.

" _She is not physically ready for this kind of stress. If you can't adhere to that, I'll have to ask you to stay away from her."_

"I really shouldn't be talking about this," he backtracked after seeing her tears. "I promised the doc."

"You promised me proof," she insisted. "And I promised you I'd stay calm. I'm calm, Castle."

"I have a photo."

"Show me."

"Are you sure?"

"Show me."

He pulled a wallet out from his jean pocket and opened it, stealing at glimpse at her in the process, at all the painful anticipation and dread written all over her bruised face. He wasn't sure he could do this.

"Castle…" She sensed his hesitation.

He took out the photo and handed it to her. "I took this one a couple of months ago. Alexis and Lily came to a Black Pawn event." It was a photo of both his girls, dolled up for the launch of his latest book. His first foray into a new character since the Nikki Heat series ended along with Beckett's disappearance six years ago. They both took his breath away that evening, his beautiful daughters; Alexis in a flowing teal dress that flawlessly matched her cream complexion, and Lily, his little rebel, in a bright red pantsuit that was a perfect contrast to her long, brown hair, grinning because she'd stolen a couple of sips of her sister's champagne.

They'd taken a lot of photos that night. The boys and Lanie were there, too. So was Hayley, of course, and she'd captured a lot of attention that evening, appearing in a skin-hugging cocktail dress that showcased her gorgeous long legs. It was one of their first public events as husband and wife.

Not that he was about to mention that part.

Beckett took the photo into her hand and stared at it wordlessly, for so long that Castle worried.

"Kate…"

She turned away from the photo and back to him. The tears streamed down her face now and he wanted to wipe them away. "Our little girl is really nine? I really missed six years of her life?"

 _Yes_. He couldn't bring himself to say, but he didn't need to. She knew just by looking at him.

"How is that possible?"

"You disappeared working on a case. A serial killer that-"

"But how can I not remember?" she demanded. "I can remember taking Lily to day care. I remember those polka-dot overalls she wore all the time because they were her favourite thing in the world after that stuffed elephant. I remember having ice cream with you and her in Central Park, those vanilla-chocolate swirl soft serve things – how can I remember all that, but I can't remember the last six years? How?"

"Hey."

She was getting agitated again and he didn't want to think of the doctor bursting back into her room again and banning him from it. "Kate, take it easy. Breathe."

He wasn't about to tell her to calm down. As if he would be able to stay calm in the wake of news like this.

She pressed her eyes shut. Hurting or trying to remember. He couldn't tell.

Then she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. "She's so beautiful, Rick. Our little girl."

"She is," he agreed. _Because she looks like you_ , he wanted to add, but his guilty tongue wouldn't let him form the words.

"I want to see her. Please."

 _She thinks you're dead_.

"You will," he breathed. "But wait a bit. Give yourself a day to get your strength back."

"I'm fine, Castle. I don't need-"

He raised his brows. Didn't have to say out loud how ludicrous that notion was. He let her come to that conclusion of her own.

"Okay, maybe not fine." She was crying again and he imagined that it had to hurt. This grief on top of everything else.

"One day," he insisted. "Then I'll have Alexis drive her up."

"Alexis…how is she?" He studied Kate, trying to make sense of this new world.

"Good. Really good. We both have lots of time to fill you in on everything."

 _Including the fact that I'm married to someone else now._ He had to tell her soon, anything else was cowardly, but he couldn't begin to imagine how. Not when she so obviously thought they were still together.

It hadn't even occurred to Kate to ask whether he was with anyone else.

"A day feels so long, Rick. I want to see her so badly." She was mesmerized by the photo he gave her. Couldn't stop staring at it. "Can I keep this? Until tomorrow?"

God, she was breaking him. "It's yours."

"Rick-?"

"What is it?"

"What about you? How are you…how could you, six years, how could you stand it? I lost for you for two months once and I thought I was going to die. How…?"

 _If it meant getting you back in the end, I'd do it all over again._

"Don't ask me that yet."

"Rick-?"

"Kate, don't. You're back. It's all that matters now."

The expression on her face told him she didn't agree but she let it go.

"What about my memory? Do you really think it's because I was hit on the head? That it'll come back?"

"It's…possible. Yes."

"But you don't believe it."

"No, not that." He shook his head vehemently. After all, he was apt to believe everything and anything. Why wouldn't he believe this? "Not true. We just…we don't know much right now. No one does. We don't know what exactly happened to you."

"If I don't," she blinked back more tears. "If I don't remember, will you help me figure it out?"

"Of course, I will." He hadn't realized that he was still holding on to her hand. But it wasn't enough. She was still crying and he had to do something.

Castle lowered the plastic rail on the side of her bed and eased himself onto to it. He burrowed awkwardly underneath the blanket, fully dressed as he was and pulled her towards him until she turned onto her side. Until he was spooning her and able to wrap his arm around her, carefully, because he was so afraid of doing further damage.

"Is that okay?" he whispered into the back of her head. "Not hurting you, am I?"

She didn't say anything but she grabbed hold of his hand and held on tight.

That was good enough for him.

He felt her ribs against his arm and along with her racing heart, beating ferociously against the hand she'd pulled up against her chest. The one that was still clutching the photograph.

"Just breathe, Kate. We'll figure this out," he said softly, willing her heart to stop pounding so hard. After all, how much more could it handle before it stopped beating? He wanted to slip his hand underneath her hospital gown and run his finger over the all-too-familiar bullet scar, as he'd done so often in the past when they made love. It used to remind him never to take their pleasures for granted. That every moment touching the warmth of her skin was a gift.

Like this one now.

Castle wouldn't let his hand roam, because he had no right. Not anymore. But he also didn't stop her when squirmed around to face him and buried her face in his chest, taking care to avoid getting tangled up in the IV lines and not to put any undue pressure on any part of her body.

"Promise me?"

"Yes."

"You're the smartest partner I ever had," she whispered.

"Exactly." The edge of his lips quirked into a smile. "You remember the important things."

"Smartest. And the best," she added, her voice drifting off.

Her heartbeat finally slowed as she drifted back to sleep.

He should have slipped back out of her bed after that. It would probably save him some grief from the next nurse or doctor coming into the room.

But he didn't.

Because he wanted her to wake up in his arms.


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

 _New York, NY_

"She's been really quiet since…Dad told her the news," Alexis whispered, because Lily was nearby, in the room next door, nestled into the couch. Her long, skinny legs pulled up into her chest, arms wrapped around them and chin resting on her kneecaps. She was staring at a row of family photos that sat on a shelf within easy view.

"She's always quiet," Hayley pointed out. It wasn't entirely true. She could be giggly and chatty, but only Rick ever seemed to bring out that side of her. Rick, who could charm the most miserable misanthrope if need be.

Not that Lily was either of those, miserable or misanthropic, Hayley thought, biting her lip with unexpected guilt. Lily was a good kid with a good heart, not unlike her father's. On top of that, she got good grades, set a new record on the girl's swim team this year, and she had the patience of Job whenever Martha used her as a sounding board for running lines.

On second thought, Hayley corrected herself, she was more than a good kid. She was a sweetheart who was growing into a smart, thoughtful, decent human being.

So what if Lily had never been particularly affectionate with her? She hadn't rejected her or given her a hard time either, and Hayley knew that kind of acceptance was a better deal than most step-mothers got.

But Alexis was wary. "Not this quiet."

"It's a lot to take in."

"Yeah."

"How'd she take the news?" Hayley had wanted to be there when Rick Facetimed his younger daughter this morning. Not only to see Lily's reaction but to see her husband's face, too. Aside from a quick phone call and a few texts, she hadn't actually seen him since he'd gone up to Albany. And Hayley wanted to, because she could read his face so well. But Rick had wanted to tell Lily alone. Or at least with only her older sister hovering nearby.

"She took it well," Alexis said. "She was blown away for sure, but happy too. She wanted to rush off and see her."

"Just like her father."

"Of course she's over the moon," Alexis sighed with a lopsided smile. "It's a miracle for her. To get her Mom back. Did you know she used to talk to her, when she was around five?"

"No."

"For a while I thought she had an imaginary friend. More than once I'd catch her staring out the window and mumbling to herself. One day I asked her about it. Turns out she was talking to Kate. Telling her things that she wouldn't tell the rest of us. She was convinced her mom could hear her up in heaven."

Hayley's heart clenched at the revelation.

"So amnesia, huh?" Alexis questioned, leaning against the kitchen counter and sipping on a cup of mint tea. It was yet another thing Hayley shared with Castle's older daughter, a love of teas. They'd bring each other back exotic herbal teas whenever they travelled somewhere new. " _Convenien_ t," Haley heard her mumble.

Hayley raised her brows, a little shocked. It was the sort of thing _she_ might think but never say. Not in this household anyway. But it gave her some comfort, knowing that she wasn't the only one who had doubts about Beckett's return.

"Seriously," Alexis continued. "How does that work? She remembers the time before she disappeared, but nothing afterwards? Does the brain even work that way?"

Hayley shrugged her shoulders. As if she had any clue about neurology and the workings of the human brain. "I don't know. I know she took a blow to the head before they found her. Rick thinks the amnesia might be temporary."

"I hope so."

"Do you think she'll remember me?"

Hayley spun around to see Lily standing behind her. She'd only turned her attention away from the living rom only for a minute and here she was. With that kind of stealth, the kid would probably end up in the CIA.

"Of course, silly," Alexis set down her tea mug to pull her little sister into a hug. The two Castle girls were so different but they loved each other fiercely. "You're impossible to forget."

Lily groaned. Too clever to be placated. "Be honest, Lex. I'm not a kid anymore."

Hayley chuckled at that.

"If she doesn't remember you, she'll love you anyway. You're easy to love, and she's your Mom, she has to love you. No choice."

This time Lily grinned. "Thanks." She had her father's warped sense of humour, after all. "I don't remember much about her."

"What do you remember?"

"That she's pretty."

"That she is."

"And soft. I remember her hair being really long and soft." Lily blushed at the memory. "Those are stupid things to remember, aren't they?"

"No, they're not." Hayley was the one who stepped forward and pulled the girl into a hug this time. For a change, Lily didn't resist. "Not stupid at all."

"I don't remember anything she said or did. Except for what I saw on the videos."

"You know what I remember?" Hayley prodded.

"What?"

"How much she loved you. You meant the world to her. She used to come in to the PI office with you on weekends, when your Dad and I had a case we needed to work on. She'd bring us lattes from the coffee shop around the corner after going to the Central Park zoo with you. And then she'd rub it in, how lucky she was to get to spend the day with you instead of having to work, like us."

Lily grinned.

It was more than that, of course. Hayley knew more than either of his daughters did, thanks to an early morning confession from their father a few months ago. After he'd gone to check on Lily in the middle of the night, to make sure she was okay. To make sure she wasn't awake or upset.

" _You have to stop feeling guilty every time you discipline her," Hayley had chided him with a yawn. "You're supposed to be her parent, not her buddy. It's your job to make sure you set her straight."_

" _I know."_

" _Okay then. Go back to sleep. She's fine."_

" _It's because I didn't want her."_

 _The words had slipped out quietly and they were laced with so much guilt, Hayley could have sworn she'd seen it hanging in the air. A murky, suffocating cloud hovering over her husband._

" _What?" She'd pulled herself up on her elbows._

" _I didn't want her."_

" _What do you mean you didn't want her?"_

 _He hadn't looked at her then. Stared up blankly at the ceiling instead while lying on his back, one arm resting on his bare chest in the cool night air. "We found out Kate was pregnant after we were shot. After both of us were left for dead in the kitchen of our loft. Neither of us were out of the woods yet when we found out."_

 _She'd shivered, suddenly cold. Given the timing, Hayley had always suspected that Beckett was already pregnant with Lily when she was shot._

" _Her recovery from two gunshot wounds was already gonna be hell," he added, finally turning to face her. "The last thing she needed was a pregnancy to complicate things. Her doctor told us as much. There would be certain drugs she couldn't take, and if she got morning sickness she could tear-" He'd clutched at his chest, hadn't been able to get out the words he wanted to. "High risk, that's what they called it."_

" _I didn't know-"_

" _No one knew. Kate didn't want anyone to know. I wanted her to end the pregnancy. The risk wasn't worth it to me, Hayley. I could easily live without us ever having kids. But I could not live with the thought of Kate losing her life because of our baby." His eyes had been moist. "I didn't want to risk it, but she did. I tried to talk her out of it. Repeatedly. I tried to reason with her. Me the voice of reason in our relationship. Funny, isn't it? But this was Kate. I'd never met anyone else with that kind of stubborn determination."_

" _Hey, stop beating-"_

" _You know what she said? 'What if this is our only chance? I'm not that young anymore, Rick. I've been shot more than once. My body's a mess. What if this is our only chance? This baby's a miracle and I won't give that up just because it's going to be hard. Everything worth anything comes with a price. If anything is worth it, it's our baby, Rick'."_

 _Hayley didn't know what to say to that._

" _Since she came into this world, Lily's brought me so much joy," he'd confessed._

" _She's a wonderful kid."_

" _Sometimes I'm afraid that she'll look at me and see the truth."_

" _The truth?"_

" _That if it had been up to me, she wouldn't be here."_

 _Hayley had understood it then. The strange guilt that used to be a mystery to her._

" _She can never know," he'd confessed. "Ever."_

 _She'd cupped his beautiful face in her hands in the moonlight and held it firmly between her palms. "You love that girl more than anything. That's what she knows."_

"Your Mom loves you, more than you can imagine," Hayley repeated, back in the present. "That's more important than memories. Besides, you have a chance to make new memories now."

She kissed the top of the girl's head, goosebumps rising along her arms at the thought of Kate Beckett making new memories with her family.


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

 _Albany, NY_

"Hey, easy."

Two measly steps and his hands were already splayed against both sides of her waist, steadying her.

"It's okay. I'm good," she assured him. "Just…lightheaded."

It was more than that of course. The entire room swam in front of her eyes as soon as she stood up. Her legs were rubbery and she wasn't entirely certain that they'd support her. Every movement was painful and she couldn't pinpoint where the pain was coming from, whether it was from the joints or the muscles or the cuts and bruises that dotted her skin.

 _What happened to me?_

"Kate?" Castle was standing in front of her now, holding on to both her upper arms with his hands, and blocking her path to the bathroom. "I think you should lie back down."

She blinked a few times until his face came into focus, smiling at what she saw. At the way he looked at her, as though she still meant the world to him. It dulled her pain and gave her the motivation she needed to keep standing.

"Kate?" He looked worried now. Maybe she was staring.

Something else suddenly occurred to her then, too. That no matter how hard and frustrating it was not to be able to remember how she got into this state, this had to have been a thousand times worse for him because he _did_ remember the last six years.

When he'd disappeared from her life for two months once, it almost killed her. The not knowing and the searching and the longing that consumed her every single day. The fear and the hope and the sleepless nights. How in the world had he survived that for six years? Just thinking about it broke her heart.

How could he have gone through that and still look at her the way he did, with all that love?

Castle was close enough that she could lean in to him and she did, until their foreheads touched.

"I'm sorry, babe," she breathed.

"Sorry?"

"For everything. For leaving your life. For not finding my way back…I'm so sorry, Rick."

"Kate-" He swallowed so hard that she could feel his jawbone tremble.

"Maybe I don't remember anything, but there's no way I wouldn't have done everything I could to get back to you and Lily. No way."

His thumb brushed her cheek. "You don't have to-"

"I do." She couldn't help the way her body softened in response his touch. The way the side of her head leaned into the palm of his hand, until she flinched and her lips nearly brushed his. It made her gravitate closer still. Such was the irresistible pull he had on all her senses.

Her lips parted in response and she closed her eyes, relishing the thought of kissing him again. Wanting it with a force that took her breath away.

He did too, she thought, because she could feel the heat emanating from his skin. Could feel his hold on her tightening as she kissed him.

And then he pushed her away.

Kate's eyes jerked back open. Confused. Not understanding his reaction after the way he'd looked at her. "Rick-?"

"You should lie back down," he repeated, averting her gaze. Clearly uncomfortable.

 _You've been gone for six years. It's too soon. What were you thinking?_

She shook her head. "No."

Maybe she couldn't remember and maybe she felt like shit, and maybe she didn't quite understand her husband anymore. But she was done being helpless.

She had solid food this morning. They'd unhooked her from everything for a reason. If the doctors thought she could handle her own trip to the bathroom and maybe even a shower, then she'd damn well prove them right.

Besides, she needed Castle to know that she was strong enough to see her daughter.

She wasn't waiting another day.

"I'm fine," she reiterated. "I'm sure there's a call button in there if I fall and can't get up."

The sombre look on his face lightened and his eyes finally made contact with hers again. "Not funny. Let me come with you."

"No," she swatted him away. "I can still pee alone."

"I'm right outside," he told her. "Yell if you need me."

"I will," she lied so that he'd release his hold on her

After she closed the bathroom door behind her, she did come close to screaming. But not for him to come in.

 _Oh God._

The image that stared back at her from the bathroom mirror almost made her knees buckle. She clutched the sink and held on tight, until her knuckles turned white.

She barely recognized the ghastly stranger staring back at her. Pale and frighteningly thin, as though she'd spent the last six years in a dungeon without sunlight and barely enough food. Her hair was darker and shorter than she remembered it, and it clung to her scalp and neck, oily and unkempt, barely covering the row of cuts that marked one side of her face.

No wonder Castle had balked at the thought of kissing her.

 _Lily._

Beckett clenched her jaw and fought back tears. Lily couldn't see her like this. She'd be afraid of her own mother.

She was shaking so hard that she debated calling Castle, afraid that she couldn't stand much longer, but then she gripped the sink harder still and fought that urge back too.

It was time to be the Beckett she remembered. Not this beaten-down stranger staring back at her, but the woman who'd clawed her back after being shot in the chest. And again, while she was shot in the abdomen, and pregnant at the same time.

 _You're tougher than this. So you look like shit. So what._

Her hands let go of the sink and moved underneath the flimsy hospital gown she wore, trembling as they trailed the cuts and indentations along her bruised skin, and took it off, throwing it to the floor.

No matter how painful it was, she was going to take a shower, then ask Castle to get her some clothes and some make-up.

It didn't matter who looked back at her in the mirror. She wasn't that person.

Maybe it was best that she never remembered her.

On the other side of the bathroom door, Castle's thoughts were interrupted by a voice coming from behind.

"Mr. Castle?"

He'd been staring down the bathroom door so hard, he hadn't heard the doctor come into the room.

"She's in there alone," he explained. "I'd prefer that she wasn't."

The doctor smiled. "I'm inclined to agree."

"Is she-?" Castle hesitated. "Is she gonna be okay?"

"I'd like to discuss some of her recent blood test results. Preferably with both of you."

His heart raced. Terrified. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"We suspected drug use when she was first brought in," the doctor started. "Given the obvious signs, the damage to her veins, but it was also hard to tell given all the other abrasions and contusions."

"What are you saying?"

"There were a lot of drugs still in her system, even with the likelihood that it was probably at least two days after she was found that she last used any."

"Used? Obviously someone did this to her!" The mere suggestion rubbed him the wrong way. "What kind of drugs?"

"Narcotics, sedatives, hallucinogens, anti-depressants, other chemicals that puzzled us-"

"Shit."

"The drugs…it could mean a lot of things, Mr. Castle. That's all I'm saying. It could be the cause of her amnesia. They could be related to her disappearance. And - it could also mean she might be going through withdrawal once we reduce the drugs we've given her."

"No, I think you're-"

"Rick."

Her voice jarred him from the conversation and he rushed into the bathroom. Ignoring the doctor as though he was no longer in the room.

"Mr. Castle, do you need-"

"No," he gestured for the doctor to stay where he was. He could still look after Kate without help.

"Hey." Beckett was sitting on the toilet seat cover, wrapped inside a towel, exposing more bruises with her bare shoulders. If he ever crossed paths with the person who did this, Castle wasn't sure he'd be able to contain himself. Wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself from killing that person with his bare hands.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." She looked exhausted. Most likely sitting because she couldn't stand. But there was neither defeat nor resignation on her face. If anything, the shower seemed to have lifted her spirits.

"You called, so I thought-"

"I don't need help, I just want some clothes."

"Clothes?"

"I don't want to have Lily meet me in a hospital gown."

"They're not discharging you yet. Tomorrow at the earliest."

"Are you gonna make me get them myself?"

The corner of his lips curled into a smile. Whatever had happened to her was unthinkable. All of this was. But she would be okay. Because she was Kate Beckett. If anyone could get through this it was his wife-

 _No,_ his jumbled thoughts corrected him _. Not your wife. Not anymore._

He kneeled down next to her. "You would, wouldn't you?"

One of her hands ran through his hair unexpectedly, with a familiar intimacy, and it made him shiver. Made him sink to the floor with rubbery limbs.

 _Six years, I longed for your touch. Six years._

Her beautiful mess of a face smiled back at him. "You know it."


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

 _Albany, NY_

It was a different person that stared back at her this time. She was still bruised and too thin and her dark, shoulder-length hair was still foreign to her, but this time she saw traces of her old self staring back too.

The flimsy hospital gown was gone, replaced by a dark blouse and jeans that fit…shockingly well. Kate had no idea how he did that. How he knew by merely picking up a piece of clothing, whether or not it would fit her. It wasn't a skill that she herself possessed, but he did, even long before they started dating. Long before his eyes and fingers had memorized and catalogued every inch of her body.

Beckett remembered the strapless dress that had shown up at her door of her old apartment, the one she used to live in before it blew up. Lanie had been there that night too, helping her get ready for an unexpected black-tie-event-undercover-operation, scoffing at the dress selection hanging in her closet. It had been Castle to the rescue back then, even though it had annoyed Kate no end.

Not this time.

She was grateful that he still knew her so well. Maybe more so now, when she barely knew herself anymore.

He'd brought her back an entire wardrobe of clothing after she sent him shopping. Loose summer dresses. _("Thought you'd want something soft and comfortable."_ ) Yoga pants. A jean jacket. Cotton pyjamas. A purple wool sweater.

Six years later, he was still the same man she'd fallen in love with. Not the cocky, goofy playboy that he liked to pretend he was, but the thoughtful, sensitive man he truly was once you scratched the surface.

In addition to all the clothes, he'd brought her some make-up. Basics that he'd obviously found in a drug store. Some lipstick, concealer, a light foundation, mascara and blush. It hadn't turned her into the more radiant version of herself that she remembered, but at least it no longer made her look like death warmed over.

Lily wouldn't be afraid of her mother now.

"Hey…"

Beckett turned in the direction of his voice.

"You look good," he told her, his eyes lighting up.

Good was a generous exaggeration but she accepted the compliment. Especially since his efforts were the reason.

"Thanks. I like the jeans the best."

He looked as though he didn't approve. As though he would have rather she slipped into one of the more comfortable dresses. But he couldn't possibly understand how much she needed to be the Kate Beckett that she remembered.

Truth was, she was exhausted. Javier had come in to talk to her while Castle went out shopping. Had asked her all sorts of questions she had no answers to and in turn, stalled on a lot of questions she had asked him. As though he didn't want to tell her because he didn't want to upset her, or because he genuinely couldn't. Because they were police matters and she was no longer a cop.

A nurse had come in afterwards and offered her some pain medications to take orally, now that she was no longer hooked up to an intravenous line. Beckett had wanted to turn her down, but she didn't because she still felt terrible.

So she'd accepted them gratefully, even if they made it hard for her to stay awake and focused now. Better that than wincing if Lily were to give her a hug.

"They're not far off. Alexis just texted me," Castle told her. "They're only a few minutes away. Alexis, Hayley and Lily."

"Hayley?" Beckett thought back to Castle's business partner, surprised that she'd make the trek up here with Alexis, even though she remembered them being good friends. "Is she still at the PI agency with you?"

"She, uh, yeah…she is."

"How is the business doing?"

"It's good," Castle sat down next to her, on the edge of the hospital bed while she sat in a chair next to it. She had the sense that he was walking on eggshells around her still. Just like Javi.

And she hated it.

"I have so many questions," she admitted. "So much I want to ask you."

"I bet."

"I want to ask you now, but I don't think you're ready to give me all the answers I need."

He raised a brow. "What do you mean?"

"You're treating me with kid gloves. Like I'm this fragile thing that-"

"Hey-" Castle cut her off. "You were almost dead when they found you tied up in an abandoned forest hut," he shot back, bunching the hospital sheet in one fist. He was angry. For the first time since she'd woken up she saw something other than love and relief in his eyes. "And that was less than two days ago. After you were missing for _six years_."

Kate bit her lip. Felt the sting of tears pierce the rim of her eyes again.

"Cut me a little slack," he sighed. "That's all. Let me try and protect you for five minutes and not lay every bad thing that happened in the last six years on you all at once."

She fought back the tears and mustered a smile, wanting to reach for his hand but it was too far away. "If you put it that way."

 _"…every bad thing that happened in the last six years…"_ What did that mean?

"I'm putting it that way."

"Tell me about Lily then."

She saw his shoulders relax.

"One of my favourite subjects."

He didn't have to say it, she could tell from the way his eyes lit up at the mention of her name. He was such a good father that it tore at her heart, the thought that he had to do it all alone, once again.

"She's wonderful, Kate. Smart, kind, funny. She's uhm, she's a great swimmer. Captain of her swim team."

"At nine years old?"

"The other girls picked her. A lot of them are older than her but I think they didn't want the responsibility. Or the pressure. Lily didn't mind. She's funny that way, she has this sense of duty that she definitely didn't get from me. Like when my mother needs a warm body to help her run lines. I know there are about three dozen other things that Lily would rather be doing but she never says no to her. I asked her once, why she doesn't even try and make an excuse to get out of it and she kind of rolled her eyes at me and said, 'it's Grandma, Dad,' as if I should know better than to say to no to my mother. To my family."

Kate swallowed hard, not trusting herself to speak.

"She's a good kid, Kate. I… _we_ , lucked out."

"I don't know about luck," she told him. "Think you might have something to do with it. You're an amazing father."

"I wasn't for a long time," he confessed.

"What do you mean?"

"I spent four years trying to find you. I didn't exactly put her first during that time. I mostly left her with Mother and a slew of babysitters. She got out of the loft once when she was six, after my mother had fallen asleep and I was off in some other city chasing a lead. Cops found her wandering the streets of Manhattan alone at midnight. A six-year old kid."

"Oh no-"

"They brought in social services. I came close to losing custody of her. Might have if it wasn't for Gates and the boys vouching for me."

So this was what he meant by shielding her.

"It was a wake-up call for me," he told her. "I'd already lost you. I'd die if I lost her too." Shame masked his handsome face and it made her want to take him into her arms and never let go. To remind him that none of this was his fault. That he wasn't supposed to feel shame for not giving up on her.

"Don't get me wrong," he almost smiled, easing the tension in the room, because that's what he always did. "She's not perfect. I grounded her a few weeks ago, for hitting a kid at school and giving him a bloody nose. She's funny that way too. She'll take things quietly, for a long time, she'll just swallow it and brood away, but when Lily's had enough, she'd had enough. She strikes back. _Hard_."

Kate stared at him. It was surreal to hear him talk about their daughter like this. As though she didn't know her. As though she was a stranger.

 _She is._

"But we're trying to teach her the violence isn't the answer."

"Yes…that's good."

 _We're?_

"There's so much of you in her, Kate. So much."

"I-"

She couldn't get out the words anyway, even if an incoming text on his cellphone hadn't interrupted them.

Castle raised his head away from the Iphone screen, towards her.

"They're here. In the hospital. Downstairs."


	15. Chapter 15

**15**

 _Albany, NY_

"Hi, Mom."

Kate thought she was ready to see her daughter, but she couldn't have been more wrong. Nothing could have prepared her for the way her heart threatened to burst apart at the sound of that voice. That face, that harboured traces of the chubby toddler of her memory, but was altogether different too. Slimmer, sharper, and more defined. Striking in its resemblance to her own.

Her giggly, happy toddler was a beautiful girl now. Grinning at her from across the room with her father's smile.

"Hey Lily-bear," the old endearment came instinctively, along with the tears she was powerless to stop.

Lily hesitated only a moment before walking across the room towards her.

Kate wrapped her arms around her daughter as soon as she was close enough, her tear-blurred vision noticing then that Alexis and Hayley were there too, watching from the doorway. For a moment she thought she should have acknowledged their presence, said something maybe, but it was only a second before her focus was back on Lily, who was crying too, hugging her as though she hadn't been gone for six years.

"I missed you, Mom," she whispered into her ear, once their wet cheeks were pressed against each other. Softly. As if she didn't want the others in the room to hear.

"Me too, baby," she whispered back. "So much."

Kate didn't want to let go of her. Ever again.

"Where were you?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I don't remember. Not yet. But I'm hoping I will."

Lily slowly extracted herself from her mother's embrace. "Dad says you have amnesia."

"Yes. I don't remember what happened. But I do know for sure that I would have tried to get back to you."

It was hard to let Lily out of her grasp, even when her daughter took half a step back before leaning forward again and touching Kate's face with two fingers. Rediscovering her mother.

"What happened to your face?"

Kate gently wiped away Lily's tears with her thumb first, then took a swipe at her own tears with the back of her hand. "I'm not sure."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. Not anymore."

Lily's index finger trailed one of the cuts on her temple. Curious and concerned, but neither shy nor hesitant in her presence, and Kate was infinitely grateful for that. "You sure?"

Kate wrapped her fingers around her daughter's hand. Pulled it up to her lips and kissed it. She couldn't stop staring at her little girl. At all the countless infinite changes in her since she'd last seen her. "Yeah. I'm sure. Tell me about you, Lily-bear. When did you get here? Did you drive up with Alexis?"

"Yeah, today. After we had breakfast. Dad said I could skip school."

Beckett smiled. "Did he?"

Lily sat down on the hospital bed next to her and Kate desperately wanted to pull her into another hug. "Your hair's so dark. It's different from the photos."

"I know." _And I have no idea how it got that way._

It was then that Alexis took her cue, stepped away from the doorway and towards her. "Kate."

Kate stood up and embraced Castle's daughter too, her step-daughter, with as much strength as she had left. Alexis had also changed. The beautiful, bubbly teenager was a full-fledged grown-up now, her blue eyes infinitely more serious and Kate caught a wariness in them that felt out of place right then, in this moment. It set her cop senses on alert, the same way they used to hone in on any unusual reaction from a suspect in an interrogation room.

 _Stop it_ , she chided herself.

Alexis had always been overprotective of her Dad, just as he'd been with his daughter. Maybe Alexis was worried that her return would turn his world upside down.

"We didn't think we'd ever see you again."

"I'm sorry." She wasn't sure what exactly she was apologizing for but in that instant, it felt necessary. _I'd never hurt your Dad. Surely you know me well enough to know that._

Beckett spotted Castle from the corner of her eyes too, standing near Hayley, while his gaze was on her. Hayley was stepping towards her now and it was suddenly …overwhelming.

She gave her friend, and Castle's PI partner, a hug too, but her joy mingled with panic. Breathing became an effort, and so did standing up. It was too much. So many people. So much attention.

She looked in Castle's direction because he'd always been her port in a storm.

"Looks like we have a lot to catch up on," she heard Hayley's voice announce. That and something else that she didn't catch because Hayley suddenly sounded as though she was far away.

 _Just breathe._

She'd always liked Hayley Shipton, right from the start. The savvy, no-nonsense Brit had been the perfect PI partner for her husband, who'd always been better at far-flung theories and ideas than the day-to-day grind of running a business.

Still, much as she liked Hayley, Beckett wondered why she was here in such an intimate family reunion. It was something else that didn't quite fit.

"Sit down," Castle gestured to her, one hand on her shoulder, appearing at her side in the blink of an eye. Of course he caught her panic even as Beckett thought she hid it so well. He always noticed everything.

 _I'm okay_ , she mouthed. She was far too ecstatic to see Lily to let anything else overshadow it.

Her daughter looked up at her. "Are you going to come home with us?"

"Home?" The question took her aback. "Yeah…" She nodded, still trying to breathe rather than hyperventilate. "I'd like that."

She slipped her hand into Castle's needing to feel his skin against hers and to be anchored by the strength of his grip.

Lily smiled at her response but Rick didn't. Instead he extracted his hand from hers, deftly and unexpectedly, amidst an awkward silence from Alexis and Haley.

All her cop's instincts kicked into high gear now.

Something definitely wasn't right.

"Rick?"

"Wait a minute…" It was Hayley's voice that answered. "You haven't told her, have you?"

Kate's eyes darted from her daughter to Castle to Hayley, who was suddenly, inexplicably angry. "Told me what?"

"Hayley…no." Rick shook his head. "Not now."

"Tell me what?" Beckett insisted.

"Hey, Lily," Alexis came over to where Lily was sitting and held out her arm for her younger sister. "Come with me, outside."

"Why?" Lily didn't understand what was going on anymore than Kate did.

"Because your Mom and Dad need to have a talk."

"I'm sorry, Kate," Hayley turned in her direction before shooting Castle a look of disbelief. Tight lipped and so obviously upset.

 _But why?_

"The last thing I wanted was to ruin your reunion with your daughter. I had no idea that he hadn't told you."

"Ruin?" None of this made sense and Kate's fingers tingled from the lack of oxygen. She really was hyperventilating. "What do you mean, ruin?"

But Hayley was already halfway out the door along with Lily and Alexis and suddenly Kate was alone in the room with Castle, who looked as though his best friend had died and that he was the one who'd accidentally killed her.

"What's going on, Rick? What is it that you haven't told me?"

He put a flat palm against her chest, nudging her to sit down. "Sit down, Kate."

But she wouldn't have it and grabbed a fistful of his expensive blue shirt instead. "Stop treating me like a goddamn child and tell me what the hell is going on."

"Hayley and I-" He closed his eyes for a second, flinching from the sting of his own words. "We're…we're married, Kate. She's my wife."

" _What?"_

For a second she thought he was kidding. It was too ludicrous to be true.

But the devastated look on his face told her otherwise.

When the truth hit her, it struck deep and hard, right into her gut, worse than any blow she'd ever taken in a street fight. It knocked the wind out of her and forced her to sit down.

"Kate…"

She shied away from his touch. "Don't…"

She had to lower her head to stave off the nausea. She was not going to be sick in front of him. Was not going to pass out.

 _"We're married, Kate. She's my wife."_ The words echoed in her head. _  
_

 _No, no, no._

"Kate. I'm so sorry." Castle tried putting his hand on her shoulder again but she straightened her spine, finding a new burst of energy fuelled purely by anger.

"Don't touch me."

"I was going to tell you…"

"When?" she hissed back. "When you crawled into bed with me the other night? When you helped me get dressed after my shower this morning? When, Rick?"

She was sobbing now, while desperately trying to suck in another undignified gulp of air that did nothing at all to fill her lungs. Messy, endless tears. Because, wow, this hurt.

This hurt so much that she wasn't sure she could stand it.

 _I love you so much._

"You were gone for six years, Kate," he tried, but his eyes watered too. The words ringing as hollow to him as they did to her. So he stopped his explanation mid-sentence.

Not that she would have let him finish anyway.

"Get out."

"Kate…"

" _Get out!"_

"I'm not leaving you like-"

"Don't make me call a doctor."

He hesitated but only for an instant and there was so much pain etched on his familiar face that she almost wanted to take it back. To tell him to stay. To comfort him. Because that's how much she loved him.

But this was unbearable. And she was not going to let him see her break down.

 _I can't do this without you…I can't._

By the time she curled her knees up into her chest on the bed, he was already gone and she was certain she this was going to kill her.

She'd taken a bullet to the chest, and then another one to the abdomen while already pregnant, and none of it came close to this bone-crushing pain.

Anguished, unfamiliar sounds came from her throat and Kate closed her eyes and covered her ears with her hands, trying to block out the pitiful sounds.

She really was going to die this time.


	16. Chapter 16

**16**

 _Albany, NY_

"Oh shit," she heard him mumble while running his free hand across his forehead, slumped into a well-worn motel chair, sporting one of the most hideous patterns Hayley had ever seen. His other hand was clutching his cell phone, he was immersed in a tense conversation with Javier Esposito.

"Not that too," he groaned.

Hayley held a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels that she'd yanked out of the mini-bar a minute ago, before noticing that Castle was on the phone.

"Will you make sure she's okay? Please."

"Thanks."

Hayley tightened her grip on the stupidly small bottle of alcohol, knowing she'd need to go back and get one for herself afterwards.

 _Is this how it's going to be from now on? You're going to think of her every time you're with me?_

Was she foolish to think they even stood a chance now that Kate Beckett was back in the land of the living?

"Is everything okay?" she asked after he ended the call.

"No." He was still massaging his forehead. Maybe she should have brought him a small bottle of aspirin from the lobby gift shop instead of something that would no doubt amplify the headache he already had.

Rick looked bone-weary exhausted. Hayley was certain that he hadn't slept at all since they found Beckett two days ago.

He needed to sleep. Desperately. Before they checked him into the hospital too.

"She asked for her father after we left."

"Ah…" Hayley winced.

"She asked for him yesterday too but I managed to distract her. Apparently Javi didn't. He told her the truth."

"I see." Hayley sighed. She felt terrible for Beckett. So what if they were on opposite sides of the fence now, in love with the same man. Kate Beckett had only ever been kind to her. She'd welcomed her into their family and circle of friends, without hesitation, even in their early days, when Hayley had given both Kate and Rick no reason at all to trust her.

She hated the thought of hurting her now. In spite of _everything_.

"She didn't take it well," Rick added.

"I can imagine."

He pushed himself off the armchair. "I should be with her."

"I thought she made it clear she didn't want you around?"

"Doesn't matter," he muttered, still trying to tame his messy hair.

"Yes, it does," she told him, pressing the bottle of whisky into his hand. "Here. Thought you could use one of these."

He eyed it and looked as though he was about to give it back to her, but then he opened it and finished it in one swig.

"Give her the night to digest the news, Rick."

" _Digest the news_?" he asked with incredulity. "That her father's dead and her husband's now married to someone else? That the only family she knew is gone? You think she'll be fine after a good night's sleep?"

Hayley groaned. "Not what I meant and you know it."

He stretched after getting up and Haley saw him search for the source of the drink, opening the mini-bar after he found it and grabbing another two Jack Daniels. It made her cringe but if that's what got him some sleep, so be it. "Couldn't we have let her have ten minutes of happiness with Lily before springing that on her?"

Hayley exhaled. She'd already apologized at least a half-dozen times on the way here and it was obvious it wasn't going to be enough. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.

"Lily, bless her little heart, asked her whether she was coming home to the loft, Rick! Were we going to lie to her and say, 'Sure Kate you're coming home with us'?"

Rick didn't say anything.

"She was going to find out the truth at some point, why prolong it? It's unfair to all of us, especially Kate. Why _didn't_ you tell her sooner? Explain that to me."

He was still quiet, opening a third tiny bottle by twisting the cap with his thumb and forefinger. "I should have, I know," he admitted. "But…you should have seen her when she first woke up, when I told her that six years had gone by and that Lily's nine. She lost it. Doctors had to completely knock her out to get her to calm down. They told me if I didn't stop upsetting her, they'd kick me out."

"I see."

"I never went in there with the intent of deceiving her," he added, pressing a thumb into the bridge of his nose. "It's not as though I took off my wedding ring when I stepped into the room. I guess she just assumed it was ours." The bands looked similar enough. "I didn't even think about it…only thing that was on my mind the last two days was making sure she was okay. That I wasn't doing anything to make things worse for her."

Hayley exhaled. How could she be angry at him for that? She stepped into his space and cupped his hands with hers, stopping him from drinking the third mini-bottle of whisky. "Slow down. You don't really need a hangover as well, do you? Have you had anything to eat today?"

"Don't."

Something else occurred to her then too, in the shadow of his anger. "What _were_ you going to say to her, when she said she wanted to come home? You know…instead of the truth?"

"The truth?" Castle quickly downed the third bottle before she could stop him.

"Whoa…" She took a step back. They might not share the same idea of the truth. "You actually want her to come home with us, don't you?" His silence confirmed her revelation. She was a fool for not seeing it sooner.

"Where else is she going to go, Hayley?" he questioned with tired, bloodshot eyes.

She needed to push him into bed soon, no matter how pissed off she was.

But it was a good question.

"She…she has other friends. Other people that care about her."

" _Who_?"

"There's…" She had to think about it because six years had passed since Kate Beckett had walked among the land of the living. Or so they thought. "The boys and Jenny. Lanie…"

"We're her family, Hayley. Not Ryan and Esposito. _We_ are. She's hurt and possibly in danger, because whoever kept her from us for six years and left her to die in the wooden shed is still out there!" He threw the last bottle into the blue recycling bin that was next to the TV. "And you're telling me we should what…put her in a hotel? Send her off to stay with Ryan and Jenny and their kids?"

When he put it like that it did make her seem like the irrational one.

But if she agreed to this then…then they'd have his beloved wife living under the same roof as them, and that was an insanity she wasn't ready to concede to. Not yet. Hopefully never.

"Where's Lily?" he asked.

They'd booked two adjoining rooms for the night at some Marriott chain off the I-90. The connecting door to Lily and Alexis's room was open but neither of them was there, and Hayley was glad the girl hadn't heard their argument.

"Alexis took Lily to the pool."

"This late?"

"If there's a pool, Lily's gonna be in it. You know her."

"You're right."

"They're fine. Go to bed, Rick. You look like you're about to keel over."

He tucked his shirt back into his jeans. "I should go back to the hospital…"

Anger rose up in her throat, hot and harsh. Kate was back and only two days later, Rick already couldn't think straight anymore. "No. You shouldn't." Hayley blocked his way. "You need to sleep. You're going to be useless to all of us tomorrow if you try to power through one more night fuelled only by whisky."

"I have to…"

"You have to be a father first," she hit him where she knew it would have an impact. "Kate coming back is going to turn Lily's world upside down and she needs her father to help her get through it. Do you understand that?"

Her words cut through his inebriated state and she already regretted them when she saw the hurt and guilt on his tired face. It's the one thing he _still_ beat himself up for; neglecting his daughter while searching for his missing wife.

But at least her words stopped him from moving towards the door and spending another night with his _other_ wife.

Castle turned away from her without another word and headed into the bedroom.

Hayley figured it wouldn't be long before he was out cold.

 _Hotel Pool_

Alexis watched her little sister unknowingly compete in a race against some guy at least twenty years older than she.

The small hotel pool wasn't meant for swimming laps but it's what Lily did as soon as she dove into it. Outside the water, her little sister was beginning to enter her awkward pre-teen phase, thanks to her long, gangly limbs that seemed to grow faster than the rest of her body. She'd trip and fall over her own feet sometimes, but in the water, she was as graceful as a ballet dancer, cutting through it with an ease and fluidity that was more amphibian than human.

The lone other guy in the pool had been swimming laps too, before her sister entered it. Lily was oblivious to everything around her once she was in the water and she was soon overtaking him and of course the man felt the need to keep up. He had to beat this kid that was, literally, doing laps around him.

Alexis watched in amusement as he struggled to keep up with her.

It all lasted about twenty minutes before he gave up and left the pool altogether, leaving Lily the only one in there.

Alexis observed it all poolside, from a lounge chair. She hadn't thought to bring a bathing suit (Lily hadn't either but Alexis bought her an overpriced one from the hotel gift shop) and she wasn't even sure whether swimming was a good idea in her condition. Was the chlorine okay? Pregnant women went to the beach all the time, didn't they? But did they swim in questionable hotel pools? Was this a really dumb thought?

She considered herself a fairly smart person, but truth was, she'd never paid any attention to pre-natal care because she hadn't planned on needing this knowledge anytime soon. She barely even had any pregnant friends. Her ignorance in all things pregnancy related was staggering and she desperately wished she had someone close to talk to, someone who'd been through it all. But her mother was off shooting a feature film in some remote location in Panama and more or less unreachable for the next few weeks. Or months. Who knew? And Gram was on a wine tour in France with her latest boyfriend.

Alexis set down the newspaper that she couldn't focus on anyway and stared at her sister instead. Swimming back and forth from one end of the pool with impressive speed, like a ping-pong mermaid. It was mesmerizing.

She rested a hand on her stomach, wanting to shout out the news to the world. She'd found the time to see her doctor yesterday, because she needed to make sure after the positive results on the drugstore pregnancy test, and sure enough she was; pregnant. Six weeks to be exact.

After Haley, she'd told Leon of course and truth was, she'd been disappointed, hurt even, by his initial, instinctive reaction. It was definitely unplanned, but she'd hoped he could have shared her joy.

Her fiancé had recovered from the shock, mustered an uneasy smile and told her he was happy about it. Eventually. But it all rang so hollow, especially because right before that he'd asked her whether she wanted to keep it.

Alexis hugged herself, suddenly chilled.

Most of all she wanted to talk to her father about it. _Really_ talk. They way they used to when she was a teenager. Before she became an adult and was expected to have it all together.

But of course everything took a back seat to Kate Beckett now. As it always did when push came to shove. Telling him he was going to be a grandfather now would merely be a blip on his radar screen.

She'd wait a few days, until things calmed down. After they found a place for Beckett to stay where she could recover. Because Kate Beckett in her current state made it even more impossible for her father to focus on anything else but her.

She bit a nail, annoyed at the thought and barely noticing that Lily had emerged from the pool and was standing next to her, about to grab a towel, but not before she whipped her long, wet hair around her shoulders, giving Alexis a quick shower.

"Stop that!"

Lily giggled, because she'd done it on purpose, reminding Alexis that she was still a kid. No matter how serious and reflective she could be for a nine-year old.

Her little sister plopped into the chair next to hers, wrapping herself in the hotel towel.

"You done in there?"

"I dunno. I might go back in."

She probably would too. Alexis's newspaper was covered in water stains, so she set it down on the ground, giving up on it for good.

"What do you think they talked about, Lex?"

"Who?"

"Mom and Dad. After we left her hospital room."

"I don't know."

"But what do you _think_?"

She turned to Lily, who was a mermaid burrito now, inside her giant towel. "I…honestly have no idea. I think maybe he told her about Hayley. That she's his wife now."

"Mom didn't know?"

"I don't think he had a chance to tell her yet."

"Oh." Lily was pensive again and Alexis could almost see the wheels spinning in her sister's little brain trying to make sense of it all.

"Or maybe they talked about where your Mom's gonna stay after she leaves the hospital."

Lily pushed off her towel and swung her long legs over the lounge chair. "But she said she wants to come home. With us."

"It's not that simple."

"Because we're using all the bedrooms now that grandma's living with us again? She could stay in my bedroom. There's enough space to put the guest bed in…"

"Lily, it's not about the space."

"Then why?"

Alexis bit her lip. She didn't want to have this conversation. "You know your Mom and Dad were married when she disappeared. But now Dad's married to Hayley. He can't have…two wives living in the same apartment. You get that, right? It's not fair to anyone. Not to your Mom, not to Hayley."

"Some people do."

"Some people do what?"

"In Utah, there's people who have three or four wives and they all live together and they get along okay. It's called polygamy."

Alexis narrowed her brows and gave her sister an are-you-kidding me look. "I know what's it called. Are they seriously teaching you about polygamy in Grade Four?"

"No," Lily started drying her long hair with the towel and maybe that meant she wasn't angling for another dip in the pool after all. "I saw it on the news. There was this show on CNN. It was kinda cool."

Alexis swung her legs over the chair as well, in order to face her little sister. "We're not in Utah, and we're not polygamous Mormons."

"I know," Lily replied, as if _that_ was obvious. "I'm just saying it's _possible_."

"We'll find somewhere safe for your Mom to stay."

"But she's hurt," Lily pressed. "And she wants to stay with us. _I_ want her to."

Alexis's heart clenched. "I don't think it's our decision to make. But you know, Dad. He's gonna do everything he can to make sure she's okay. That she gets whatever care she needs."

Lily's shoulders dropped in disappointment. "Okay."

"How about we head back to the room?"

Lily nodded.

"Lex?"

"Yes?"

"I'm so happy," Lily was grinning now. In a goofy, dreamy way that her serious little sister didn't do very often.

"You're happy?"

"That she's alive and she remembers me," Lily was beaming. "I'm gonna have a Mom again. Maybe she can go swimming with me when she's better, the way she used to when I was little, like in the videos. We could race each other!"

"Uhm…maybe." Alexis swallowed guiltily.

She'd almost forgotten that this was how Lily had turned into such a water rat. That Dad and Beckett had done a lot of water therapy after they were shot, and that Kate had continued it after Lily's birth, taking the baby along with her when she was only a few months old. Lily had been able to swim before she could walk.

She sighed at the memory.

Leave it to her bright-eyed little sister to make her feel even guiltier for not being thrilled about Beckett's return.


	17. Chapter 17

**17**

 _Albany, NY_

"Hey-"

Her lids were heavy but she opened them in response to the familiar voice in the room.

"Finally, girl. 'Bout time you woke up."

Her face was blurry at first, but Kate could still make it out. Lanie. Lanie Parrish, her best friend, was sitting next to her bed, staring at her with a smile. Looking like she was over the moon from what she was seeing.

Kate wished she would go away.

She didn't want any more reunions. No more sympathy and affection that she might not be real after all.

Her father was dead and she didn't get to say goodbye. Worst of all, he'd died thinking she was dead.

Kate closed her eyes and tried to turn away, noticing then that there was something in her arm again. A new IV line.

Whereas yesterday she was determined to get rid of it. Today she no longer cared. She wanted to sink back into oblivion and stay there.

She didn't want to talk to anyone. Least of all someone Castle had probably sent here to make sure she was okay. As if she needed his damn guilt-fueled sympathy while he was screwing his new wife. _God, it all hurt so much._

"Go away."

"Wow," Lanie's voice cut through the white noise of hospital sounds coming from the hallway behind the open door. "You know, if you didn't look like shit and I wasn't so ecstatic to see my best friend after thinking she was dead for the last six years, I'd probably get my ass back on the interstate even though I just spent over two hours on it."

Beckett pressed her eyes shut. Great. She really needed a guilt trip on top of everything else.

"Hey," Lanie's hand was on her shoulder and Beckett finally turned around to face her. Her best friend. She still looked the same. There a few more lines around her eyes and a few more pounds on her frame, but her the rest of her was exactly the same. The same kind, beautiful, no-nonsense face that she loved like a sister.

"It's _so_ good to see you," Lanie said softly. "You have no idea."

Her friend's eyes misted and that was all it took to release a fresh batch of tears of her own. To bring back the sharp pain that had cut through her skull last night and brought her to her knees. And made the doctors knock her right back out.

Her father was dead. She'd missed his funeral. Missed telling him one last time how much she loved him.

Castle had re-married and she didn't even have a chance to fight it. He was never going to crawl into bed with her again. She was never going to open her eyes in the morning to see that beautiful, loving, goofy face staring at her, watching her sleep. Because even after they'd been married for years, he still looked at her as though he won the lottery, getting to wake up next to her every morning. How many married men did that? There was no else in the world who looked at her the way he did.

He was her One-and-Done. Her _always_.

What was the point of surviving if this was her new reality?

 _Lily._

 _Lily is._

The image of her now-nine-year old daughter bounced around in her aching head.

"My Dad's dead, Lanie. _Gone_."

"Oh, honey…"

"Castle remarried."

"Yeah, he did." Lanie made a face of mock disgust. "Asshole."

"Everything's changed. Everything's gone. Hurts."

"Oh, I know. Come here."

Lanie made her sit up and wrapped her arms around her. Her best friend held on to her and let her cry like a baby. No questions, no platitudes.

When she was done Beckett sank back onto the pillow, wiped her blotchy face and gave her friend a lopsided smile. "I guess it's good to see you too."

"Dead for six years and you're still a jerk."

A laugh almost got caught in her sniffle. God, this new version of her was pathetic.

"I want to get out of here, Lane. Will you help me?"

"Javi said you had a rough evening. You sure you're ready?"

"Being here isn't going to help me get over losing my Dad and Castle."

"Castle's not dead, you know. He remarried 'cause he thought you were dead. Not because he stopped loving you."

"You don't marry someone if you're still in love with someone else."

"Maybe you shouldn't but that doesn't mean people don't."

"Lanie.." Her head throbbed too much for this. For a rebuking reminder that Castle still cared about her. A reminder that it was her absence that had sent him into the arms of another woman.

He married Hayley Shipton of all people. A woman that she used to call a friend.

"Will you help me leave the hospital today?"

"Girl," Lanie gave her an exasperated eye roll. "Take it easy."

"I need to get out of here. Get my head straight. See my father's grave."

Lanie sighed. "So where are you gonna stay?"

"I- uh…" She stared at Lanie. It was a good question. She didn't have money or clothes. Or even valid ID anymore. The loft used to be home, but surely it wasn't anymore. Did Castle and Lily still live there? If they did, then so did Hayley and that meant she couldn't stay there. Or maybe…no, no she couldn't, as much as she didn't want to spend another day away from her daughter.

She couldn't sleep under the same roof as Castle and his new wife. Beckett fisted her hospital gown near her bullet wound, because her heart clenched, tight and constricted at the thought of him with another woman.

"I don't know," she finally admitted.

Lanie pushed her visitor's chair closer to the bed. "Fine. I'll see whether they're ready to release you but under two conditions."

"Two conditions?"

"One, you stay with me to recover. Two, you give me permission to talk to your doctors and get the details on your condition, so I know what's wrong with you. 'Cause Lord knows I don't expect you to tell me the truth."

"Ouch."

"They're not negotiable either."

"Stay with you? But what about you? Are you with…anyone?"

Her friend's face darkened and Beckett could have sworn she saw sorrow.

"Lane?"

"No. I'm not."

"But you _were_ ," Kate added with certainty.

"I may tell you that miserable story when you're staying with me. After I've had a few glasses of wine and a coupla shots of tequila."

"Oh, Lanie." It was one more thing she hadn't been around for.

"Back to you," Lanie's voice cut through her regret. "Do you agree to my conditions?"

"Lanie, c _ome on."_

"Was I not clear on the non-negotiable part?"

Kate groaned. "Fine. Whatever your conditions are I accept. Just get me out of here."

"That does not sound sincere, girlfriend. Not even a little."

Beckett exhaled. She wasn't going to beg, but honesty she could do. "I need a place to stay. I'm not that stupid to know that I'm not up to much of anything yet. I'm grateful that you're letting me do it at your place. And if I trust anyone with my medical information, it's you."

Lanie pursed her lips, aiming for unimpressed but unable to hide the pleasure of victory on her pretty face. "That's better."

* * *

 _Later_

It wasn't Lanie Parish whom Castle had expected to see when he stepped into Kate's hospital room, standing next to an empty bed.

"Lanie?" He hadn't seen Kate's best friend in a while. They'd stayed reasonably close and in touch during the first year after Kate's disappearance, back when he'd still spent a lot of time at the 12th, helping the boys track down every lead. She used to spend a lot of time babysitting Lily back then too. But after a year, the 12th could no longer afford to spend as many resources on Beckett's disappearance, not when new cases were piling up around them. On top of that the new captain had made it quite clear that by that point they were letting him consult more out of kindness and respect rather than need.

Without Beckett, his welcome had worn out.

That's when he'd lost touch with Lanie too.

The boys were a different matter because they often came to see him at the PI office on their days off, determined to let him know that just because the NYPD no longer had the budget to keep searching for Beckett it hadn't meant that they'd given up. If anything, it made them more determined.

Of course Lanie helped them out whenever they needed anything that demanded her forensic skills, but he'd rarely seen her anymore. She didn't come over to the PI office to use his high-tech resources like the boys did.

At one point he'd heard from the boys that she was engaged, but that was over a year ago.

Maybe she was married now.

If she was, then he hadn't been invited to the wedding. Or even heard about it.

Castle wasn't certain, but he had a feeling that Hayley had something to do with it. That Lanie didn't really care for his new wife.

"Hi, Lanie."

"Hi, Castle." The tone of her voice was pleasant but the tiniest downturn of her lips gave away the disapproval she was trying to hide. He was a keen observer, after all.

"Where's Kate?"

She tilted her chin towards the closed bathroom door. "Getting dressed."

"Dressed?"

"She's being discharged."

"What?"

"I spoke to her doctors. They agreed that if she really wants to go home she can go home. She mostly needs rest."

" _You_ spoke to her doctors?" Anger started to bubble beneath his skin.

"With her permission."

"I heard she had a set-back last night."

"What did ya think would happen after you bombarded her with bad news? Girl's got a massive concussion. Then she bawls her eyes out for a coupla hours. It's not gonne be good or pretty."

Castle swallowed. He probably deserved that one, so he accepted it in silence before taking a step forward and getting into her space. Not bothering to hide his irritation any longer. "Where exactly is she going to stay?"

"My place. She's gonna stay with me."

"You?" Castle looked at her with disbelief. "She's gonna stay in your apartment while you're away at work for twelve-hour days? Do you realize that whoever left her in that cabin to die might come back for her?"

"Javi's all over it," Lanie shot back defensively. "He's organizing security for my place as we speak. I wouldn't play around with her life. Besides, where do you think she should stay? At the loft with your new wife? Some fancy five-star hotel paid by with your guilty conscience? She's a mess, Rick. She should be with friends."

"She should be with her _family_." He corrected her. "She can stay at the PI office. The panic room is a one room apartment that's as secure and fully stocked and comfortable as any place in Manhattan."

"You want her to stay where your wife works? _Seriously_?"

"The Albany Police released a statement this morning. She's going to be swarmed by the press. Are you going to be there to ward them off?"

"She is not your concern anymore, Castle. Don't you get that?"

"She's the mother of my child, Lanie! She's always going to be my concern."

"Are you two done deciding who gets to plan my life?"

Both Castle and Lanie whipped their heads around, towards the bathroom door. Neither of them had heard Beckett step into the room.

Castle stared at her. She was wearing the jeans and the purple wool sweater he'd bought her yesterday.

The novelty of it hadn't worn off yet. Having her back in his life. Being able to hear her voice and see her face. It alternately made his heart skip a beat and threw him for a loop, rendering him unable to think clearly.

Mostly, he wanted to touch her. To feel her skin so it would keep reminding him that all of this was real, not a dream.

"I'm going to stay with Lanie for a while," Beckett told him. "And I'd like to tell Lily. I want to let her know that I'm here for her now. That I'm not going anywhere where she's concerned."

 _Where she's concerned._

Castle nodded. "Of course. You can see her before you go."

"Good," Beckett gave him the slightest nod and there was a defiance in that gesture that Castle didn't expect. "And then I'm going to find out who did this to me."

* * *

 **A/N** : A short, but long overdue, shout out to WRTRD, my sounding board and proofreader. Thank you for catching my typos, grammar mistakes and all sorts of other errors and generally making me sound a lot more proficient in this language than I actually am.


	18. Chapter 18

**18**

 _Lanie's Apartment, NYC_

" _Promise you'll come visit?"_

" _Are you kidding me? As if anyone could keep me away?"_

" _I want you to stay with us. I want us to be a family again."_

" _I know Lily-bear, but that's not possible right now. Lots of things have changed."_

" _You still love me, right?"_

" _Oh, Lily, you have no idea."_

Her daughter had hugged her then and that's the memory Kate tried to focus on now, when, more than 24 hours later, she'd barely left the bed in Lanie's guest bedroom.

She'd slept restlessly last night, never for more than a few minutes at a time, according to the clock on the bedside table. (It was her only temporal guidance, because she didn't have a phone, or a watch, or anything else that was remotely normal and familiar).

She felt bad too.

Not the kind of achy soreness that she'd she expected given the knock on her head and the myriad of bruises all over her body. But flu-like bad. Feverish, shaky and so nauseated that she couldn't get comfortable in any of the numerous positions she kept shifting into.

She'd thrown up because her stomach violently rejected the little food she'd been able to eat since Albany, and she still felt terrible.

She'd also taken one of the painkillers that they'd picked up at a pharmacy on the way here, but that had long since come up along with the rest of her stomach contents. Nothing seemed to help.

Now she was curled into a ball and Beckett heard her teeth chattering, amplifying the pounding in her head. She was impossibly cold and hot all at once.

She hadn't heard Lanie come in until her friend was sitting down on the bed, next to her.

"Oh girl-" Her fingers had trailed up along her cheeks to her forehead. "You're burning up."

Beckett wanted to turn around to face Lanie, to lie on her back, but everything hurt too much to move. "What's wrong with me, Lane? This…doesn't feel right. Not this bad."

"Tell me your symptoms," Lanie prodded and Beckett felt too miserable to object. She even admitted that it was more than physical. That she was inexplicably anxious, in a way that she hadn't been since battling PTSD years ago. She couldn't calm her brain long enough to sleep more than a few minutes.

"I think-" Lanie frowned. "You're going through withdrawal."

"Withdrawal?"

"There were a lot of drugs in your blood test results, Kate. Some of them very highly addictive. If you were taking them for a prolonged time I'd expect you to feel some pretty strong withdrawal symptoms now that you've stopped."

"But why now? I didn't feel this bad at the hospital."

"They were giving you some pretty strong stuff there. That's why."

"Aw…fuck." Beckett cursed under her breath. How could she be withdrawing from something she never remembered taking?

"I know," Lanie's hand moved to Kate's forehead, brushing aside her sweat-drenched bangs. "I'm sorry, hon. I can get you something to ease the symptoms."

More drugs. Kate winced at the irony. "No."

"Listen, Kate, going cold turkey can do a real number on your body, you've got to be careful. Castle will kill me if you die under my watch."

Beckett would've rolled her eyes if too didn't also hurt so much. "Really? That's your biggest concern?"

"I also care about you a teeny bit."

"No more drugs," Kate reiterated through her chattering teeth. It was for the best that she didn't know exactly what drugs her body was craving so desperately. That it wasn't something that she had access to, because, truthfully, she'd take it. Anything to make this misery go away.

"How long?" she asked Lanie with a grunt.

Lanie's fear and uncertainty said it all. "I'm not sure. A few days? Could also be a week or more. Depends how long you took this stuff." Then she crossed her arms. "If you're getting worse, I'm getting an MD that deals with living people to prescribe you something. Try and stop me."

Beckett groaned and turned away from her.

If she did get worse, she wouldn't let Lanie see it.

One week.

After six years of God-knows-what, she'd find a way to weather this for a week.

No matter how awful it was.

* * *

 _Castle Residence. NYC_

"How about now?"

Lily Castle was buzzing around her like a fruit fly in the kitchen, while Alexis was brewing a pot of mint tea, hoping that would soothe her tumultuous stomach. She'd thrown up before coming here and had thought that would be the last time today, but she wasn't sure anymore.

Her little sister, much as she loved her, was getting on her last nerves.

"I told you, Lil, wait 'til Dad gets here. Let him decide."

"Why do I need Dad's permission to call Mom? I just wanna say hi, see how she is, ask her when we can meet up and-"

"Lily!" Alexis clenched her lips. Oh God, her stomach was heaving and Lily's whining was only exacerbating her nausea. "Stop nagging."

"I'm not nagging," she pouted with those wide lips of hers. "I'm _asking_."

Alexis poured some tea from the teapot into a big ceramic mug. It was too hot too drink, and it hadn't steeped long enough, but she hoped that holding the mug up to her lips and having the scent of mint waft into her nostrils might keep the nausea at bay.

How was she going to do this for another eight months? It was supposed to end after the first trimester, wasn't it?

"Are you okay?" Lily's pretty face tilted sideways. She gave up pestering her for a moment and studied her instead.

"Still feeling kinda sick," she admitted.

Her earlier pout had morphed into remorse. "I'm sorry."

Alexis blew into the mug and took a tiny sip. The mint did help. "It's okay."

 _She just wants to talk to her Mom. After six years without a mother. Give her a break. She's a kid._

Where was their father anyway? He was supposed to be here a half an hour ago. It's why she'd come over. To have dinner with the whole family so they could discuss the Kate Beckett situation. What was going to happen next. How they were going to deal with the press that was already flooding them with calls.

Instead, Dad and Hayley were still at the precinct sorting out who knows what with Esposito and Ryan. That and dealing with the press probably.

Lily tugged at her wrist. "Come sit down, Lex. I'll bunch up the pillows the way you like then we can watch TV."

Alexis gave her sister a lop-sided smile. Although Lily looked eerily like her beautiful mother, Alexis was convinced that most of her sister's thoughtfulness, her big heart especially, came from their Dad.

"It's okay. I need to stand for a minute." She saw her cellphone lying on the kitchen counter.

Lily was right. Why did she need her father's permission to call Kate?

Alexis scanned for the number on her phone and called Lanie. It was late enough that both she and Beckett would probably be at home.

" _Hi, Alexis."_

Lanie sounded unexpectedly happy to hear from her and it left Alexis with a pang of guilt for not having called her former mentor in such a long time. But after Dad married Hayley a sudden, inexplicable divide seemed to have formed, between Beckett's old friends and Castle's new wife.

It hadn't taken Alexis long to decide which side she was on.

"Hi.. I, uh, Lily was hoping to talk to Kate. Is she there with you?"

" _She is…but now's not a good time."_

Alexis glanced down at her little sister, staring up at her full of hope and expectation. "How come?"

There was a pause on the other end and the initial joy she thought she'd heard in Lanie's voice was now gone.

" _There were a lot of drugs in her Kate's system when she was found. She's dealing with some pretty bad withdrawal symptoms."_

"Oh…" Lily was still staring up her and Alexis didn't know what to say.

" _I'm sorry."_

"Not even a few words? Lily just wants to say hi-"

" _Lex, she's in no shape to talk to anyone right now. Especially Lily. Trust me, Kate is the first person who would try to run off and go see her if I were to tell her she called, but she cannot- not in her current condition."_

"It's okay," Alexis tightened her grip on the phone unable to meet her little sister's pleading eyes anymore. "Forget it." She ended the call before Lanie had a chance to say another word.

"She doesn't want to talk to me?" Lily sounded crushed.

"No…no." Alexis started. "It's not that."

"What then?"

"Apparently your Mom had a lot of drugs in her system when they found her. I didn't know that. She's pretty sick right now."

"She's sick? What's wrong with her?"

"Remember when Gram got the flu a couple of years ago and had to go to the hospital? It's kind of like that."

"Because she took drugs?" Lily looked devastated. "Mom took drugs when she was gone? Like what kinda drugs? Like crack and meth and stuff?"

"I don't know," Alexis told her. It was the truth. No one knew what the hell Kate was doing for the last six years. Not even Kate herself.

"Why would she do that?" Lily demanded.

Her little sister tried to put on a brave face, same way she often did after losing a swim race, as she'd been taught to do by her coach and peers.

But this time Lily didn't succeed. This obviously hurt too much. Her eyes watered and she turned away from Alexis. Embarrassed. She stormed into the living room and dove onto the couch head first. Then she buried her face into the soft, red throw pillows that Hayley brought back from London last year.

Alexis followed her out and sat down on the sofa next to her, inched herself under Lily's long legs and rubbed her crying sister's back.

"Go away," Lily's muffled voice emerged from under the pillows.

"Not a chance, Lil. You're stuck with me. Same way you're stuck with all of us. Dad, Hayley, Leon and me. We're all part of your family. You know that, right? No matter what."

She waited until Lily calmed down before nudging her to get up. Reminding her that she couldn't bury her pretty face in those pillows all night. And that Dad and Hayley would come home soon and did she really want to be crying like that when they did?

It was the last part that finally got her sister to sit back up. She even let Alexis give her a hug.

"You okay?"

Lily swiped away the last of her tears with the back of her hand. "Yeah."

"Love you," Alexis reminded her, before she enveloped her in one more hug.

It was true, she did love her sister to pieces. And she'd always protect her.

Even from her own mother, if need be.


	19. Chapter 19

**19**

 _Castle residence, NYC_

Hayley Shipton-Castle was tired.

She used to pride herself on her energy and stamina. It's what made her so good at her job. She could go without sleep for up to 72 hours and still be fresh, precise and focused enough to undertake a high-stakes security assignment.

But tonight, she reminded herself that she wasn't in her twenties anymore and this week was starting to take its toll. She'd spent half the day at the PI office trying to single-handedly stay on top of their two biggest cases, so their clients wouldn't run off and find another, less preoccupied agency; and the other half at the 12th precinct, trying to be a good wife by supporting her husband who'd fielded countless questions from the press and a few dozen more from the police.

 _Then_ she'd insisted on cooking when they got home.

What the hell was had she been thinking and who was she trying to impress?

Cooking would never be one of her skills and she knew that Rick didn't give a damn about that, so why was she trying so hard now?

 _You know why._

Hayley swallowed, while staring at the ceiling of her bedroom waiting for Castle to finish his shower.

What she really wanted was to join him there. But he'd been uncharacteristically sombre and quiet this evening, so she'd given him the space he needed.

On top of it, Alexis had barely touched the pasta she'd scraped together. Whether it was because her stomach couldn't handle it or because it really wasn't very good, Hayley couldn't tell. Alexis's fiancé, Leon, was supposed to have joined them for dinner but he had a meeting that ran late and he couldn't make it. And Lily…Lily had barely said two words during the entire meal before sulking off to her bedroom.

The whole thing had been a disaster.

Worst of all, they'd resolved nothing when it came to Beckett. They'd barely broached the topic and that had been the whole point of that wretched family gathering. They'd all waited for Rick to tackle it but he'd mostly wolfed down his pasta in silence.

It wasn't often that Hayley missed Martha's blunt and unsolicited advice, but she did tonight.

She wished that Castle's mother had been there, instead of cavorting in France, on some wine tour in Bordeaux, with her latest lover. Apparently, she was going to cut her trip short because of Beckett's return, but that meant she was coming home next week, instead of two weeks from now.

Hayley even bit off a fingernail in frustration, a habit she hadn't indulged in for a long time, but then the sight of her husband, stepping into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts, finally put a smile on her face. And more than that, it sent a familiar warmth coursing through her belly. One that reminded her it had been well over a week since they'd been intimate.

"She's sleeping," Castle told her before sitting down on the edge of the bed, making no move to slide under the silk bedsheets with her.

"Huh?"

"Lily."

"Ah…"

"She was upset tonight. I wanted to talk to her alone after dinner. See what's going on, but she was already asleep when I got to her room."

"This week, it's been tough on her," Hayley suggested. "But she's a tough kid."

"She's nine, Hayley. She's not supposed to be tough."

"She'll be ten in a few weeks."

Castle ran a hand though his generous head of hair. "I'll make sure to talk to her tomorrow over breakfast."

"Yes," Hayley agreed. "Tomorrow is a good idea." She rose to her knees on the bed alongside him, forgetting about her exhaustion. "Let's not talk anymore tonight." She leaned in for a nibble on his ear, teasing and tasting his lobe with her tongue.

Normally that would elicit a sound deep from his throat. Then he'd bring his hand up to her neck and pull her lips in to his mouth.

Tonight however, it had the opposite effect.

He pulled away.

His reaction baffled her but Hayley was persistent, and she grabbed hold of his cotton t-shirt and yanked him back into her space, until his mouth was close enough for her to kiss. Slowly. Deeply. Just the way he liked and she was filled with relief when he finally responded by kissing her back, exactly the way that _she_ liked.

It encouraged her to straddle him, blanketing his thighs with her long legs but that made him stop kissing her instantly. He was still breathing hard when he pressed a flat palm against her chest and pushed her away. "Hayley…"

"I need you, Rick," she husked. "I _really_ need you tonight."

"I'm sorry," his eyes met hers with regret. "I can't."

"You _can't_?"

Normally when he looked at her like that, lost and apologetic, as he had done so often did in the early days of their relationship, when she'd already wanted more than he could give, it sapped all her anger away. She'd forgive him anything when he looked at her like that.

But not tonight.

She wasn't his aspiring lover anymore. She was his _wife_.

"What the fuck does that mean 'you can't'?" Hayley pulled herself back up onto her knees. "Is that how it's gonna be, Rick? You can't touch me anymore now that she's back?"

"Right now. At this moment, tonight …I can't. _I'm sorry_."

She swallowed hard. Struggling mightily to hold back her hurt and the anger. To not lash out at him. "What do you want me to do, Rick? Sleep in the guest bedroom?"

"No." He shook his head. "I'll go."

Hayley rolled her eyes. This too was classic Richard Castle. Owning up to everything, because that's what he did. Because he'd grown up too soon, having to take care of himself, and sometimes his mother too.

He stepped out of their bed, still looking so lost that she wanted to wrap her arms around him.

"Is that it?" she shot back, unable to help him. "Beckett's alive so we're done? Does our marriage mean that little to you?"

"No!" He looked appalled at the suggestion. "No, don't think that."

"What am I supposed to think?"

"I need some time," he mumbled. "That's all. Time to figure things out."

"You need time to choose which woman you want to be with?"

"I moved on with my life because I let everyone convince me she was dead. And she's not. I need time to deal with that."

Hayley clenched her jaw and grabbed her favourite pillow. Unable to look him in the eye anymore.

"All right then, Rick, you deal with that. You stay right here in our bed and you figure out what Kate's return means to us. You let me know what our new boundaries are. Whether me picking up all the slack at the PI office is too intimate for you as well."

She saw him wince. It was a low blow that she immediately regretted.

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Yeah," she turned around and headed out the door. "Me too."

Maybe she should've stayed there. Found the willpower to keep her hands off him and slept next to him anyway. That way he'd know that she was there for him, no matter what. Maybe that's what a good wife would have done. But marriage was still new to her too.

What did she know about being a good wife? Especially while she was still licking her wounds.

After all, her husband had just asked her not to touch him.

* * *

 _New York City, NY_

 _Six days later_

It was late at night and, aside from the uniformed officer who'd been guarding Lanie's apartment and trailed her here, Kate Beckett was the only one in the cemetery. No humans, not living ones anyway, as far as her eye could see.

She'd gotten out of bed a few hours ago, pleased to discover that she finally felt okay.

Not great nor entirely herself yet, but she'd felt infinitely better than she had all week. The unbearable craving for something she couldn't name, the cramps, the pain, the anxiety and the unrelenting headache, they'd all faded to something much milder. An annoyance rather than a crippling monster.

She felt empty and lightheaded and reborn all at once, when she got up. But the oddest sensation of all had been hunger. She'd been starving for the first time since her return to the land of the living.

She'd lost all track of time and she thought it was morning when she'd stumbled into Lanie's kitchen earlier, where her friend had been making dinner. Fried chicken, Greek salad and a sweet potato mash that Beckett wanted so badly to shovel into her mouth the moment she smelled it.

Lanie had been so pleased to see her up and even more so to see her eyeing her food hungrily. It had been during that dinner together, their first since she'd moved into her friend's apartment, that Beckett discovered that she'd spent a good week cooped up in the guest bedroom. She remembered drifting in and out of sleep and then wishing that she could sleep during the miserable hours when her discomfort wouldn't allow it. It was during those awful moments that Lanie would sometimes pop in and force-feed her nutrient rich smoothies.

"Your return made the front page of every major paper, just so you know," Lanie had informed her while they ate. "Big news."

"Great," she'd toyed with a drumstick, pathetically full after one piece of chicken.

"I think Javi wants you to do a press conference once you're up to it."

"Hmm…"

"When you're up for it," Lanie had reiterated. "By the way, he's called every day since you got here."

"Esposito called every day?"

"Not Javi, Castle," Lanie had told her as though she should have known. "He also showed up at my doorstep twice. I almost had to get the uniform to drag him out."

Beckett's lip had quirked into a smile, in spite of it all. Castle had definitely never lacked persistence.

"The guy still cares about you. A lot."

Her smile had faded quickly at that thought. She didn't want his pity. Or his care and concern.

 _I want to be your wife._

"What about Lily?"

"She called too but I told Alexis that she needed to wait a bit, until you're better. Unlike her father, she actually listened to me."

Guilt had clawed at her, squirming in her stomach along with the first solid food in days. What kind of mother disappeared for six years and then disappeared again as soon as she got back?

"I want to see her," she'd told Lanie.

"A little late for that tonight. But tomorrow. Call her first thing. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you."

She'd nodded in agreement and managed to finish another heaping tablespoon of sweet potato mash.

Then she'd taken a shower for the first time in days and all of it had left her so winded that she'd ended up back in bed for another nap.

After that, she'd woken up at eleven o'clock at night with renewed energy and a sudden need to get out of Lanie's apartment. To walk through the familiar streets of the city where she'd lived her entire life. Or at least drive through it, as the officer outside Lanie's door insisted on doing.

More than anything, she needed to see her father.

So here she was, alone in a cemetery in the middle of the night. The uniformed officer stood far away enough to give her the privacy she needed, but close enough so that she could still see his outline in the periphery of her vision.

Beckett had never imagined coming here to see both her parents.

It had been a short walk from the gates of the cemetery to the gravestone, and it reminded her how out of shape she was. She was out of breath and breathing hard and it made her sink to her knees onto the cold, hard ground, next to the stone where her father's name was now engraved.

 _James Beckett_

 _Quos amor verus tenuit, tenebit_

"Hi, Dad."

Her fingernails dug into the hard earth before yanking out a patch of grass. She wanted to rip it all out of the ground. Everything. She wanted to tear at it and scream and pound her fists until they bled.

Instead a pool of tears suddenly clouded her vision.

"I'm so sorry, Dad…so sorry that I wasn't here. That I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, to tell you how much I love you, worst of all that you thought I was…" She nearly choked on her words and stopped trying to speak.

 _I'm so sorry, Dad._

She let her anger wash over her and waited until it was nearly gone before she drifted into the past.

Back to the strength in her father's grip when he held her hand on that cold rainy day on Coney Island after the hardest morning of her young life. To the stick figure he'd patched together to remind her that there was a possibility of joy even on the worst days. She thought about the fancy new suit and tie he bought the day she graduated from the police academy. The joy on his face when he gave her away on her wedding day and the giddy happiness when he'd held Lily in his arms for the first time. The red bike with the giant training wheels and noisiest horn in Manhattan that he bought her when she turned three.

She let herself cry until there was nothing left. Until a thousand needles stung her legs when she pushed herself back up from the damp, cold October grass, because they'd fallen asleep ages ago.

Beckett stumbled clumsily until a hand steadied her arm…and almost made her jump out of her skin.

"Jesus…" She mumbled under breath. How lost in her thoughts had she been to have not heard him approach at all?

Her former partner chuckled. "Not Jesus. Javier."

Beckett relaxed and then rolled her eyes. "You spyin' on me, Jav?"

"O'Connor over there told me you tried to leave the apartment without him," he said, giving a nod to uniform who was standing near the entrance of the cemetery. "You know I'm only tryin' to keep you alive, right?"

"I needed to see my Dad," she told him, still unsteady on her useless legs. "That's all. I didn't exactly try to lose him once he insisted on coming along." Beckett shot the tattling officer an annoyed look that he probably didn't catch in the darkness.

"Come on," Javier led her to a bench that was near the entrance.

"What are you gonna do? Keep a detail on me for the rest of my life?"

Esposito smirked. "No. Just until we catch this guy."

His amusement eased her heavy heart and it felt good. To have someone treat her like maybe she was still a cop, someone who was up for a ribbing with a brother in arms.

"In the meantime…" Esposito bent down and rolled up the sleeve of his pants in order to grab his back-up piece from its holster. "Here," he handed her the gun.

Beckett shook her head. "Jav, what are you doing? I have no right to…"

"To what?" he cut her off. "Defend yourself?"

"To carry an unregistered gun. _Your_ gun."

"You think there's a single cop in the city who's gonna ask a former NYPD captain to see the papers for her gun? Besides, my actual back up is in a safe at home. This one's a personal gift."

"I'm not gonna get you to take this back, am I?"

"Nope."

Beckett inspected it and then tucked the gun into the back of her jeans. "Fine."

"Look, not tryin' to spook you but the way that guy left you in that cabin…"

"I know." The reminder did send a chill up her spine. Whoever had done this to her was still out there.

"You remember anything yet?"

Beckett stared out at the endless gravestones ahead, wondering how close she'd come to being six feet under herself. "No."

"S'okay," he replied, trying to reassure her. "We'll find another way. Lanie says you're feeling better?"

"Yeah. Much."

"You up for a press conference? It'll bring out the _locos,_ but putting your face out there could stir up some real leads too. He didn't have you in that shed in the woods for six years. He had to have kept you somewhere else and that means someone saw something at some point."

Beckett nodded. Esposito was right. She would take the same course of action in his place. "Yes."

"Good. I'll set it up."

"Thanks."

"And whenever you're ready, you should look at the photos we took from the crime scene. Hell, if you think it'll help if you go up there and look at the crime scene, you tell me, I'll drive."

"Okay," Beckett nodded, not sure if she was ready for that yet, but still grateful that Espo was talking to her more like a partner than a victim.

They sat in silence until the needles finally stopped stinging and she got up on steadier legs.

"I'm not in a rush if you wanna stay," Esposito told her.

She closed her eyes in a final moment of silence for her beloved father. "No. It's the middle of the night, Jav. I'm ready to go."

It was time to get her life back.


	20. Chapter 20

**20**

 _New York City, NY_

 _Richard Castle PI Office_

Kate Beckett took a deep breath and stared at the elegant, dark-brown doorway in front of her. Steeling herself.

She'd walked through this door so many times before without a second thought.

But that was when she still held a key to it. A plastic key card that could be tapped on a metal square close to the doorknob, not unlike those used in hotels.

The PI office used to be her sanctuary, back when she was pregnant and recovering from two gunshot wounds, and still sometimes got panic attacks when she stepped into her kitchen in the loft. So Castle had turned the panic room at the PI office into her own personal _anti_ -panic room because of it. He had it outfitted with a queen-sized bed, as well as a mini-fridge and stove. It had all the amenities of a high-end hotel suite and in theory she could have holed up in there for weeks if she wanted to.

It had never come to that but she did sleep there overnight occasionally, when she couldn't deal with anything else beyond recovering physically and holding on to the child growing inside her.

" _If you feel safe here, then stay. As long as you need to. I'll stay with you."_

" _I don't want to hide from the world. Or my fears."_

" _You're not hiding. You're healing. We both are."_

Beckett took one more deep breath and then she rang the doorbell, whispering a quiet prayer that it was Castle, not Hayley Shipton (or was it Hayley Castle now?) who would answer.

"Kate?"

Her prayer was answered instantly. It was Castle who opened the door after a second ring, not Hayley.

"Hi."

Her ex-husband held the door open for an awkwardly long time, staring at her, until he realized what he was doing. "I'm sorry…come in."

She accepted the offer and took a tentative step inside, using the moment to look at him too, _really look at him_ , because the last time she'd seen him had been at the hospital and Lord knows her brain had been a fuzzy mess back then. Even more so than she'd realized at first.

It struck her then that he was thinner and leaner than she remembered. But he still had a generous, healthy head of hair even though she spotted a few strands of white. They were offset by a trace of youthful mischief in his eyes, one that Beckett suspected would always be there, even if he managed to reach his nineties. Like her, he was dressed casually, wearing his favourite combo of well-worn jeans and checkered long-sleeved shirt. Clearly he wasn't expecting clients this afternoon.

He also seemed to be as nervous as she was.

"Can I get you anything?" He asked. "Water? Scotch? Candied nuts?"

 _Candied nuts?_ She bit back a smile. "No. I'm good."

He led her into his office. "A seat at least?"

"I'll take you up on that."

He pulled out a familiar, brown-leather chair, across from his desk. This was where he'd always greeted clients, new and old.

 _I remember one night when I waited for you all evening to come home and when you didn't I stormed out of the loft and came here to track you down. I sat in this same chair and glared at you across this desk, insanely irritated because I wanted you so bad. But you didn't take the bait. You wouldn't argue with me. So I used my palms to clear a path across your desk. I pushed aside a mountain of paperwork before I climbed right on top of it, on my hands and knees. I'll never forget how turned on you suddenly got. By the time I was in your lap you_ …

Her cheeks reddened at the memory.

"You sure I can't get you anything to drink?"

Her lips were kind of dry. "Okay. Fine. Water."

He pulled out a bottle of San Pellegrino from the mini-fridge behind his desk and grabbed a glass from the shelf, eyeing it to make sure it was clean before he poured the contents of the bottle into it for her.

Then he grabbed one for himself that he drank straight from the bottle. "I saw the press conference last night. It was good," he told her. "It's good that you did that."

"Esposito thinks it might help us get some leads."

"I agree."

"Hmm." She wasn't completely convinced after all the crazies who called in since then.

"You look good, Kate. Much better than…than last time I saw you." He was tongue-tied.

"Thanks. I feel better."

"How's…" His hand went gestured to the side of his temple, referring to the blow to her head.

"That's better too." She'd gone to see a doctor this morning and he'd removed the last remaining bandage. If someone didn't know to look for it, the stitching was barely visible, mostly covered by her thick, dark hair. She'd go see a hair dresser soon and ask to style it so it would be covered completely. Judging from her wild, errant strands, it had been a while since she'd seen a decent hair dresser, although someone had obviously cut it at some point.

"Does it still hurt?"

"Little bit, but it's okay."

His eyes still lingered on her. "Good…good." He paused. "Lanie tells me you went through withdrawal."

"I did." Kate exhaled, wanting to shake that whole experience from her memory.

"And how...?"

"It sucked," Kate cut him off with a lopsided smile. "Don't do drugs."

"You didn't do drugs," he reminded her. "Some monster force fed them to you."

"Castle," She didn't want to talk about drugs or withdrawal, or anything of the sort. "Is…is Hayley here?"

"Hayley?" He looked as though the question threw him for a loop. As if she'd thrown him back to a reality he'd briefly forgotten. "She, uh, no. She's in Baltimore, working on a case."

"Ah-"

"She'll stay there tonight."

"I see."

"Have they come up with anything from the place where they found you?"

Beckett shook her head. "There were footprints but no finger prints. Nothing we can pull DNA from except my hair and blood. He was probably wearing gloves."

"And your memory?"

"Still nothing."

"There's gotta be something."

"Lanie's sent the tox screen they took at the hospital to one of her lab buddies because she thought the drugs might have something to do with my memory loss."

"How so?"

"They found traces of cocaine, flunitrazepam and JWH-018 in my blood, among other things."

Castle winced. "Cocaine and rohypnol, the date rape drug. What's the last one?"

"Apparently, it's synthetic cannabis, but it has bizarrely different effects than the original drug. It's also known as the zombie drug."

"So someone gave you a stimulant, a memory killing drug and a zombie drug? All at once?"

"Lanie says it's a risky combo, especially over a prolonged period of time. That whoever was doing it really had to know what they were doing."

"A medical professional?"

Beckett nodded. This felt so natural. Going over a case with him. Except this time, _she_ was the case. "Possibly."

"But more than that, it's personal."

"What do you mean?"

Castle put his elbows on the desk and leaned forward. "Drugging someone, holding them captive for six years, tell me that's not personal, Kate."

"It's psychotic, that's what it is."

"There had to be a reason for him to give you those specific drugs. Think about it, a stimulant, a memory eraser and a zombie drug, what does that produce?"

"A very stoned individual?"

He smirked. "A controlled person, that's what. What if this guy drugged you because he wanted to control you? To make you do something for him, without you being aware of it?"

This was getting too sci-fi for her. She knew enough to know that drugs only worked like that in the movies. "Like what?"

"I…" He shook his head. "I don't know. Not yet. But I do know that the way he left you in that cabin doesn't make sense. What if he was trying to control you and it didn't work. So after six years he gave up? What would you do in his shoes?"

"Put a bullet in my head," she said without hesitation.

"Exactly. Not drag you to some shed in the woods and let you die a slow death unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Unless the guy's not capable of murder. He's too chicken shit to pull the trigger."

"You're making a lot of assumptions now."

"I know but you have to agree that _this_ isn't random. This guy chose to grab _you_ , drug you, do God knows what else with you for six years…" Castle's expression darkened. "And then, after all that, he lets you go. _Why_?"

"He didn't exactly let me go," she pointed out.

"He dumped you. But he didn't kill you." He said softly. "And there's a reason for all of it, Kate. Don't just sift through the evidence, look for the story."

"Yeah…" Maybe his theories were far-fetched but he wasn't wrong. She needed the reminder to look for the story.

"Let me help you, Kate." He added just as softly still leaning forward with those blue eyes soaking her in.

 _That is so damn unfair._

Kate bit the inside of her lip. There was no one she wanted on her side in this more than him. No one whose investigative abilities she trusted more than his.

But she knew wasn't ready to work with him while seeing him married to someone else.

Not yet.

"I'll let you know if I need your help, Castle."

"Please, Kate, let me help. When I was searching for you I went through your past case files with a fine tooth comb…"

She fisted her hands in an unexpected surge of anger. "And where did that get you?"

 _You once told me that you'd always come for me. So what happened this time?_

The shame on his face made her regret the words as soon as they escaped her mouth.

"I'm sorry…"

"No," she cringed, her anger subsiding with one look at the guilt on his face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"It's true."

"It's not."

"It is, Kate. I failed. The most important case in my life was the one I couldn't solve."

"Castle," she wanted to reach across the table to take hold of his hand. To let him know she meant it. "I know you. I have no doubts that you moved heaven and earth to try and find me." Her eyes locked with his. " _I know that_."

He still didn't believe her. Probably because he didn't believe it himself.

"Going over my disappearance, it's not why I came here," she added. "Castle, I…I came here for a couple of reasons, the first one is to apologize."

"Apologize?"

"For the way I reacted at the hospital when you…when you told me about Hayley."

"Kate, you don't…"

"I do," she cut him off. She pressed her eyes shut for a second, willing herself to find the words because they needed to be said. She needed him to know this. "I was awful. I kicked you out of the room without even giving you a chance. I didn't think. It hurt so much and on top of it I was a mess. Finding out about my Dad at the same time, I couldn't handle it." She saw the guilt on his face and this was exactly why she was here, telling him this. "But… I'm less of a mess now." She hoped that she managed to sound convincing. "Lanie's been telling me what you did in the last six years, how hard you searched, and I want you to know, that's not what I would have wanted for you. I love you, Rick, and the last thing I'd want is for you to mourn me for six years at the expense of your family, your happiness."

She took a deep breath. Forcing herself to believe her own words. "What I'm trying to say…is that I don't blame you for moving on. You did the right thing. For you and for Lily…and I'm…I'm glad you did."

Of course that last part wasn't true.

 _I still want you too much for that._

But Beckett was willing to lie, if that would ease his guilt and everything that came with it.

Maybe she was still hurt and angry, but she loved him too much to cling to it. To let him see it on her and have it tear him apart.

Castle, who always had response for everything, said nothing in response this time, even though there were a hundred emotions written on his face, some of which she couldn't read at all.

And now that it was said, she'd gladly not broach the topic of his new marriage again anytime soon. Even though she knew, she wouldn't be able to avoid it forever. Not if she wanted to have an active part in Lily's life, which was the other reason she'd come by.

"I missed you. Kate. You have no idea."

The words caught her off guard.

 _Don't. Don't make this even harder._

"I've been trying to call Lily," she said, quickly changing the topic. Ignoring his proclamation. "I want to see her, but every time I call she's not there, or she's busy…tell me, when is it a good time to call? When can I see her?"

He hesitated at first but then glanced at the watch on his wrist. "I'm picking her up from a swim class in about an hour. Why don't you come with me? Have dinner with us."

"Tonight?"

"Yes. Tonight."

"But Hayley…"

"Hayley's out of town and Mother's still in France, even though she's trying to come back early from her trip. It would be just the three of us."

"I, uh…" Beckett suddenly felt unprepared. Overwhelmed. She looked down at her outfit, wishing that she'd taken the time to choose something nicer than a black t-shirt, hoodie and jean jacket. Wishing she _had_ something nicer. "I don't know."

"She'd love to see you."

"You're sure? Tonight?"

He nodded. Eager. "Yes, I'm sure. Come. Have dinner with us tonight."


	21. Chapter 21

**21**

 _New York City, NY_

They decided to leave the PI office early so he could take her shopping.

" _You don't have to buy me a new phone, Rick. Lanie's old one is working perfectly."_

" _That thing is older than Lily. The Beckett I know loves her gadgets as much as I do. Okay maybe not quite as much, but even you have to agree that thing is ancient. Barely functioning."_

She'd rolled her eyes and protested, and then protested some more, as Kate Beckett was apt to do, but eventually she caved. As she almost always did when he persisted and truth was, he was pleased to see that his persistence still had that effect on her.

He'd also caught the delight on her face when she relented, so naturally he then bought her the newest, shiniest, priciest Iphone he could find and got her a two-year plan along with it.

He wanted to buy her other things too. Clothes for starters. She was still layered in the hoodie and jean jacket he'd bought her in Albany, looking more like a broke student than the woman whose wardrobe had once forced him to install a new closet at the loft after she moved in.

He'd given away all her clothes after he started seeing the court-ordered therapist because the guy had insisted he get rid of it. Something about closure and acceptance, and other well-meaning words that they'd hammered into him on a regular basis for eleven weeks.

He went along with everything because back then he was willing to do whatever it took to make sure he didn't lose Lily.

But now it filled him with regret.

After their shopping excursion, they'd picked up a surprised Lily who hadn't expected to find her mother sitting in the car. Kate had then moved to the back seat to sit next to her and from occasional glances in the rear-view mirror, Castle could see Kate's fingers fidget nervously with her new Iphone while she tried to make casual conversation with their daughter.

Lily had been unusually quiet on the ride home and Castle made a mental note to ask her if anything was going on. Much like her mother, he often had to fight tooth and nail until she opened up to him. Lily Castle wasn't much of a sharer, and on that front, he often wished she'd gotten his genes instead of Kate's.

But now they were back at the loft and his daughter was in the shower, washing all that chlorine out of her long hair, while he was in the kitchen cooking up a storm, sporadically stealing a glance at Kate in the living room.

He'd opened a bottle of red wine and poured her half a glass. She'd accepted it with a silent nod but had barely taken more than a few sips.

Instead, he caught her inspecting her old home from the corner of his eyes. Running her fingers along shelves and pausing to stare at the new and unfamiliar photographs.

There were only a couple of her still there, one of the three of them at Lily's second birthday party and another one of Kate and Lily bundled up in down coats and goofing around in Central Park, after a record snowfall had shut the city down and turned it into a winter wonderland.

He'd taken a lot of photos that day, at the risk of frostbite.

Worth it though. Every single one of them.

Getting rid of the countless photos of her was one more thing his therapist had told him to discard (he'd put them away, in a box in storage, but hadn't gone so far as to throw them out). For himself, and later, for Hayley.

Most of the photos Kate was now looking at were of his girls and his new wife, and whenever he caught a glimpse of the melancholy way she stared at them, it intensified the knot in his gut, robbing him of his appetite, in spite of the delicious smells that were now filling the loft.

He'd barely noticed Kate inching into the kitchen, the glass of wine in her hand and the brand-new phone peaking out of the pocket of her hoodie.

"Can I help?"

He turned his attention away from the alfredo sauce in the pan. The original plan was a simple pasta alfredo, but now he'd added chicken into the mix. Probably because Kate's cheekbones were still so pronounced and her clothes still swam on her, that the urge to feed her was strong.

"No. It's okay. Sit down. Watch TV if you want. Play video games. Destiny 2 is there. Just came out."

She looked tired too. As if the trip to the PI office and the Apple store before picking up Lily at the gym had worn her out.

But the suggestion had made her smirk and take a sip of wine. "I'm good thanks."

"You can a nap if you want. Dinner and Lily will probably be another twenty minutes."

She started at him and didn't say anything, and for an instant he blushed at his choice of words. Nap used to be their code for activities in bed that involved anything but napping.

He wondered if she remembered it too. If that was why she was looking at him like-

Kate swirled the wine in her glass. "I can't remember the last time I had wine."

"Let me know if you want more."

She shook her head, leaned against the counter, and watched him cook instead.

Kate Beckett wasn't particularly chatty, never had been, at least not compared to his two ex-wives and he'd always been entirely comfortable in her silence, but to have her staring at him now, with an intensity that he was no longer familiar with, did unsettle him a little.

He was deboning a chicken thigh when he caught her moving a hand to her stomach, pressing a flat palm against it.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…"

But her hand lingered there. "You sure?"

He saw what almost looked like a smile. "Stomach's growling."

"Ah-" He returned her smile. "Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"What'd you have for lunch?"

She contemplated the simple question, longer than it should have taken. "I didn't. Forgot I guess." She must have caught the cringe on his face. "I had breakfast."

Castle tightened his lips, trying to focus on the raw meat on the cutting board. Trying not to be angry with Lanie who clearly wasn't up to the task of taking care of someone who wasn't ready to take care of herself yet and-

"Castle…" Her voice cut off his thoughts. "I just forgot, that's all. I used to forget lunch all the time. No big deal. Okay?"

He clenched his lips. _Except you've never been this thin._ "I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to."

He focused on the chicken and the sauce and could hear the noise of the hair dryer coming from the bathroom upstairs.

And then the sound of breaking glass whipped his head back in Beckett's direction.

He dropped everything and jumped to her side, saw the broken wine glass on the floor in a pool of red, while Kate was breathing hard and staring right past him into the kitchen wall.

"Kate," he stood in front of her, forcing her eyes to focus on him as he pulled her into his space. His hand cupped her neck. "Look at me, Kate."

She finally blinked, narrowed her gaze on him and gasped while she did it.

It took her a few seconds to catch her breath, and it gave him the chance to pull her even closer, letting her rest her forehead on his chest. After all, she was at least half a head shorter than him without heels.

"Just breathe," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. You're safe."

He held on to her and waited until she stopped wheezing, until her breathing was normal enough that he wasn't tempted to get her a paper bag. Or call 911.

He noticed that his hands were shaking too. "What happened?"

"I was starving."

"What?" He didn't understand.

"I remembered being in this room and I was so hungry, I was delirious with it. It's all I could think about and then suddenly he kicked a bowl across the room and there was some rice in it. I wanted it so badly, I crawled to get it…"

Castle swallowed. He thought he might be sick and he forced down the bile in his throat.

 _If I ever find you, I will kill you. That's a promise._

"But then…" Her eyes were watering and she clenched her lips angrily. "He took it away and said…he said I knew what I had to do to get it."

 _He blackmailed you for food_. Castle held her tighter. "You said he. Do you remember a face?"

Beckett dabbed at her tears, drying them with a swipe of her finger. "No…I couldn't see his face." Then she saw the broken wine glass lying at her feet. "I'm sorry."

Castle shook his head. "Don't. Have you been remembering other things too?"

"No. This is the first time."

"Hey," his hand cupped her jaw. "Maybe that's good. Maybe it means you'll remember other things too."

"Maybe it's 'cause I was hungry. That's what triggered it." She exhaled and gave him a sad look. "If these are my memories, I'm not sure I want to remember more, Rick."

She bent down and started picking up the glass.

"Leave it," he told her, stepping away to get the dust pan.

But of course she didn't listen and by the time he'd brought it to her, she'd already picked up the largest shards and dumped them in his trash bin. He kneeled down to clean up the rest only to have her join him with a wet cloth to wipe up the wine.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't apologize, please," he reiterated.

"I'm glad it didn't happen around Lily," she added. "Last thing I want to do is freak her out."

"She understands, Kate. I've talked to her. She knows you went through a tough time."

"She lost her mother for six years! She doesn't need to deal with my trauma on top of it now that I'm back."

He raised his brows, "You don't need to protect her from you, that's all I'm saying. Lily's not a baby anymore."

"Dad!" Lily's voice rang from the kitchen. "Your sauce is coming out of the pan!"

"Shit," Castle leapt back towards the stove and took the overflowing sauce pan from his daughter's hand and lowered the heat before setting it back down.

Lily stared up at him. The ends of her long hair were still wet after her shower. "I heard something break. Did you drop something?"

Castle's eyes searched for Kate in the living room, but he couldn't see her. She probably went to the bathroom to compose herself.

He began stirring the thick white sauce. It was salvageable. "Your Mom dropped a glass."

"How come?"

"It slipped out of her hand."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Lilybear." Castle made a face. "Same way my favourite Avengers mug slipped out of your butterfingers last week?"

Lily looked sheepish and acknowledged the reprimand. "Can I go to my room until dinner's ready? Dani and Elise want to chat about the …"

But Castle had already pulled a garlic press out of a drawer and handed it her. "You can stay here and help me make dinner."

She groaned as dramatically as only a nine-year old could. Loudly enough that it made Castle set down the knife he was holding and command her attention. "Hey. It's the first time your mother's here since we got her back. She came here to see _you_. You're not going to hole yourself up in your room tonight. Got it?"

What he got for an answer was a subtle nod along with another pout for good measure, before her deft little fingers channeled her irritation into the first garlic clove she saw and shoved it into the press with an extra measure of force.

But Lily's annoyance never lasted long and he could've sworn he heard her humming a tune once she started setting the table for the three of them.

It left a lump in his throat. Because this wasn't something he ever imagined witnessing. That ordinary, everyday act of Lily setting a plate for her mother at their table.

Once the food was ready, Lily dug in and he was glad he added the chicken. His daughter was always starving after her swim practices and she was growing so much faster than Alexis did at that age. If she kept it up, she'd soon be as tall as Kate.

Kate was digging in too and that made him just as happy, the knowledge that he could still woo her with his culinary skills. But more so than the food, Kate's focus was on her daughter and again she was trying hard to make conversation with her.

"I heard you're an amazing swimmer."

Lily shrugged her shoulders, mouth full. "I'm okay, I guess."

"Okay?" Castle raised his brows. He was devouring his pasta too, appetite or no appetite, it never seemed to make much difference for him. "Why don't you tell your Mom about the last meet and how your school won it?"

He was met with an embarrassed plea to stop. "Dad…"

But Kate wanted to know. Eager to soak up everything about her. "Tell me about it, Lily."

"We won."

"You didn't just win! Your school was behind until that last two hundred metre freestyle race, which you won by how much?"

Kate's eyes lit up. Full of pride.

"Well?" Castle prodded.

"I won by twelve seconds."

"Twelve seconds?" Kate's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me? That's amazing."

"The second-place swimmer was more than half a lane behind her. That race clinched the win for her entire school."

Kate grinned with delight. "I'd love to come to your next race."

Lily helped herself to another serving of pasta and turned her attention back on the food. "I don't know when the next race is."

"Yeah, you do," Castle corrected her. "What about the relay this weekend?"

"It's just a relay," she mumbled not looking at either of them. "It's not a big deal."

"Doesn't matter. I'd love to come," Kate repeated, with so much eagerness that it tore at him.

"Relay's not my best event."

"We'll both be there," Castle told her.

That got him an inexplicably angry glare from his daughter, who quickly wolfed down the rest of her serving and got up with the empty plate in hand. "I'm done. Can I go do my homework now?"

Castle gave her as stern of a look at he could muster. Willing her to keep her annoyed little face at the table without having to resort to threats in front of Kate. He couldn't wrap his head around what had suddenly gotten into her. Where this hostility was coming from. "I'm sure it can wait another half hour. We have cookie dough ice cream in the freezer."

It was her favourite and tonight he was willing to resort to blackmail to keep her around a bit longer.

"I have a spelling test tomorrow. You don't want me to fail it, do you?"

"Lily-" He clenched his teeth. Clearly he needed to have a talk with her and get to the bottom of this.

"It's okay," Kate cut in softly, trying so heartbreakingly hard not to hide her disappointment. "If you have to do your homework, go ahead. Go kick butt on that spelling test tomorrow."

"Thanks," Lily mumbled before heading off into the kitchen to drop her dishes in the dishwasher, before racing up the stairs.

"I'm sorry," Castle told Kate whose eyes followed Lily up the stairs before picked up her wineglass and took a generous sip. "I think maybe something's up with her friends, that she had a bad day and…"

"I think she's angry with me."

"She has no reason to be."

"I left her for six years."

"You didn't leave her, Kate. Some monster kidnapped you and did God knows…" He had to rein in his anger. Everything about this filled him with rage and made him want to punch a wall.

"It's okay," her hand reached across the table for his. "I know this will take time. I don't expect to be able to come back into her life as though the last six years never happened. I'll make the time to let her know that I'm here for her now. She's still my kid, I can handle it."

 _Shouldn't have to,_ he thought, squeezing her hand back.

That's when he heard the key turning in the lock of his door.

Both Castle and Beckett turned their heads to see Hayley enter the loft, holding a bottle of red wine in her hand.

Kate's hand slid away from his with lightning speed.

But it was too late.

"Wow." The hurt was indelible on Hayley's face and it made Castle's insides churn. "I guess there's no need for me to surprise my husband for a romantic dinner when he's already having one with his _other_ wife."

Castle got up from the table to meet her. "This is not what you think…"

Hayley angrily threw the bottle of wine onto the dining room sofa, not bothering to take off her shoes or put down the overnight duffle bag that she'd slung over her shoulder. "Fuck you, Rick."

Then she turned around and headed back out, slamming the door behind her.

Meanwhile, Kate had cleared her dishes and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here tonight."

Every instinct wanted to grab her and hold on.

"I should go," Kate told him, grabbing her new phone from the dining room table and stuffing it into the pocket of her black hoodie.

 _No. Don't._

But she too was out the door before he could protest, leaving him standing alone in his living room.

* * *

 **A/N** : I'm taking a posting break next Sunday because I'll be spending the holiday weekend in a wifi-free zone. Giant thank you to those reading and taking the time to leave me your feedback. Wish you a beautiful festive season and see you in two weeks. :)


	22. Chapter 22

**22**

 _Alexis's apartment, NY_

She was not in the mood for any of it.

Not for Leon's excuse about having to work late and miss the dinner she'd laboured over tonight.

Not for the resurgence of the nausea that had finally eased this afternoon. And definitely not for that unnecessarily loud banging on her apartment door.

"I'm not interested," she yelled at the door from across the room.

The person on the other side knocked again, louder.

Seething, Alexis Castle stepped up to the door and yanked it open in one fierce tug, without so much as looking though the peephole, ready to bite the head off the canvasser on the other side.

"I said I don't want-"

"I'm sorry!" Her best friend apologized, after she almost toppled into Alexis's apartment. "I couldn't find the key."

"Hayley?"

"Can I come in?"

"Yes, yes, of course."

Alexis's anger dissipated when she saw that Hayley, whom she'd never seen close to tears, looked as though she was, close to tears. She was carrying an overnight bag too, with an airline sticker on it. "Is everything okay?"

"No."

Alexis thought she really might cry, but instead her friend walked over to the liquor cabinet next to the wall unit and poured herself a generous double shot of vodka.

"Hayley?"

Hayley set down her overnight bag and downed the contents of half the glass in one swallow.

"I was in Baltimore, working on a case and finished earlier that I expected. So I took a standby flight and decided to surprise your Dad with a romantic dinner, thinking it might help smooth things out between us." She blinked back a tear. "Instead, what do I come home to?"

Alexis winced, afraid of the answer.

Hayley finished the vodka and reached to pour herself some more. "I come home to my husband drinking wine and holding hands with Beckett."

"What?" A different kind of anger took hold of Alexis now.

"Turns out he was already enjoying a romantic dinner with his _other_ wife."

"Maybe it wasn't what it looked like…"

"Oh, really?" Hayley shot back. "When was the last time you were holding hands over red wine with someone by accident?"

Alexis didn't have an answer for that.

"I've lost him, Lex."

"Don't say that."

"A few days ago he told me he needed time to sort things out. I guess he's sorted things out." Hayley dabbed at a tear with her index finger. "She's barely been back two weeks and I didn't even stand a chance, Lex. I was a fool to ever think I did."

"This isn't my Dad," Alexis told her. "If he'd made a decision he wouldn't do it like this…sneak around behind your back. He'd tell you straight up. That's why I think you're wrong. Did you give him a chance to explain?"

"What is there to explain?"

"So you didn't?"

"I can't believe you, Alexis! Are you taking his side?"

"No, no! This isn't about sides." Hayley was about to pour herself a third glass, but Alexis grabbed her arm. "Slow down."

"I can bloody well still decide for myself whether I've had enough."

"Hayley, _come on_." Alexis squeezed her arm and then used her friend's sigh of defeat as an opportunity to step into her space and envelop her in her arms.

"You know what the worst thing is? I can't even hate Kate! I'd to the same thing if I were in her shoes, I'd want my husband back. But I _love_ him," Hayley cried into her shoulder. "Not that it matters."

"My Dad loves you too," Alexis reminded her. "And you _didn't_ lose him. He's being a confused idiot right now, that's all."

"Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?"

"No, of course not." Truth was, she had no idea when her fiancé was coming home, so she was grateful for the company. "You know you can come here anytime."

"I'm not good company tonight."

"I don't care." She hugged her tighter, reminding Hayley that she loved her like a sister. She'd been the one who'd turned her father's PI agency into a success. She was the one who'd patiently been there for both of them the last six years. Hayley, not Beckett. It made her angry to think of how quickly her father had forgotten all that. Angry at how strong Kate's pull was over him still, after all these years.

She'd talk to her Dad tomorrow, Alexis decided. She'd always been the sensible one, for as long as she could remember. Tomorrow she'd remind him of that, and she'd also remind him that if he didn't open his eyes and stop living in the past, he might very well lose the best thing in his life.

* * *

 _Lanie's apartment. NY_

Beckett had melted right into the sofa cushions, spreading the entire length of her body on it by the time Lanie got home. She'd been staring at the wall in front of her, her intentions of picking up the remote and watching something thwarted by a lack of energy to actually hold the device in her hand and turn it on.

Everything was impossibly heavy. Her limbs. Her head. Her heart.

"Looks like someone went shopping today." Lanie's voice cut through the room.

Kate didn't react, until Lanie gave her legs a push off the sofa in order to sit down at the other end. If Kate hadn't grabbed the back, she might have slid off. Like the heavy, lifeless blob she'd turned into tonight.

"Nice," Lanie gushed, while Kate pushed herself up with her elbows and curled her legs underneath her, still only half sitting, but at least not sliding off the sofa.

"Is that the latest model?" Lanie asked, holding her new phone up into the air in front of Kate's face.

"I don't know."

"You drop a grand on a phone and don't even know what model it is?" Lanie scoffed. "Girl, must be nice bein' rich."

Kate raised her brows and finally looked at her friend. _Was_ she rich? Apparently her father had sold his upper west side condo for a small fortune and Castle had put the money in a trust fund for Lily. But really it belonged to Kate, Castle had reminded her of that today and said he'd transfer the money into a new account for her. They used to have a joint account, which had more money in it than she knew what to do with, but now? She had to reapply for everything. Credit cards, passport, bank cards…her drivers licence had expired two years ago and she'd obviously never renewed it, so now she had to retake the test too. She couldn't even legally drive a car.

It was pathetic.

In fact, the only card in her wallet was a bright yellow MetroCard that Lanie had loaded up for her last week.

"It was a gift," Kate mumbled, hoping it might stop Lanie from going on about the damn phone.

"Lemme guess, Castle?"

"Yeah, Castle."

"He didn't like the one I gave you?"

Kate groaned. "It's not that. You know he likes his state-of-the-art gadgets."

"It's you that he likes."

"Lanie? Stop it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, girl," Lanie set the phone down dramatically. "Was I interrupting your pity party?

Kate rolled her eyes.

"I had a fabulous day at work cutting up dead bodies, by the way. Thank you for asking."

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm a lousy house guest."

"Damn straight you are," Lanie eased her feet out of her shoes and stretched out her legs. "Now are you gonna tell me what's making you so miserable?"

"Nothing."

"You gonna tell me or make me yank out of you?"

As if she had the energy for an argument. "I was dead for six years, Lane. You all went on with your lives. As you should have. And now I'm back screwing everything up."

"Whoa…" Lanie raised her hand in a time-out. "Who are you and where the hell is my best friend? The one who gritted her teeth through a cold turkey detox last week, because she's the toughest person I know. That friend."

Kate sighed. "Last week I thought I had something left to fight for."

"Now you don't?"

"I went to see Castle at the PI agency," she told Lanie. "He asked me to come for dinner at the loft."

Her friend's expression softened. "That's good...it's a good start."

"No, it's not," Kate shot back. "Lily doesn't want anything to do with me. She hates the idea of me even coming to a swim meet. My Dad is gone, Lanie. _Gone_. Then I wonder how Alexis is doing and I've called her and left messages, but she hasn't even called me back. And, Rick…he still has the same wall unit we used to have. It's full of photos of his new family, and they're happy, Lanie! He's built this wonderful happy life…and me showing up, all it does is ruin it for all of them."

"Oh sweetie, you are so far off the mark, I'm not sure whether I want to hug you or smack you."

"At one point, Lily ran off and Castle felt bad about it so I reached across the table for his hand," she felt forlorn. "Stupid habit I guess, and imagine who walked in the moment I did that?"

Lanie winced. "Really?"

Kate nodded, "Castle told me she was supposed to spend the night in Baltimore."

"Oops."

"Maybe I was supposed to feel bad about it, but I didn't."

Lanie smirked. "If you felt bad about it, I'll definitely smack you."

Kate couldn't help a smile. What would she do without Lanie? "She probably raised my daughter. I probably should've thanked her instead of made a beeline for her husband."

"Oh please. Martha, Castle and Alexis raised that girl, not Hayley," Lanie scoffed at the idea. "Let's hold off giving her sainthood."

"I think I remembered something too, for the first time."

"Hey, that's great. Tell me about it."

"It's not much of a memory. Just being a room with a bowl of food." She didn't want to add to details of the image that now stuck in her brain like a gruesome painting. One where she was starving and ate off the floor. Where the walls were dirty and a shadowy man stood in the corner, telling her she needed to do something in exchange for the food.

"It's a start isn't it?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"I think you should go see someone who could help you remember. A shrink or a hypnotist."

Beckett didn't believe in hypnosis. She'd seen too many false and preposterous claims because of it during her detective days, and she wasn't sure she was ready for another round on a shrink's couch.

"You listening to me?"

"Yeah."

"Now that your body's no longer in survival mode, it'll start to relax. That's when people who survive horrible ordeals start to experience the psychological effects. You need someone to help you through that."

"Isn't that for people who actually remember their horrible ordeals?"

"Fine. Don't listen to me. It's not like I have a medical degree or anything."

"Don't nag."

"Are you kidding me? I have six years of nagging to catch up on. By the way, you keep calling Castle Hayley's husband," Lanie emphasized and then wrinkled her nose. " _Is_ he still her husband now that you're alive and kicking? What does the law say about that?"

"He's definitely hers," Kate told Lanie. "Once a missing person is declared dead their marriage becomes invalid. The remaining spouse is free to remarry and that's exactly what mine did."

"But you're _not_ dead."

"Doesn't matter. Also, in New York state, a person only has to be missing for three years before they can be legally declared dead. Most other places it's six or seven years."

"What about how Castle _feels_?"

"I don't know how he feels, Lane. I do know him though, and Rick's gonna do the right thing. It's who he is." Kate groaned, she pressed her eyes shut. Her head was starting to pound again and she wondered whether it was from the wine or the receding bump on the side. "Can we not talk about this?"

Lanie made a face. "Not what I asked but okay, since you're a in mood. As for Lily, give her time. She's a kid who barely remembers you. Maybe it wasn't even about you tonight, maybe she had a crappy day at school because some boy she likes ignored her."

Kate raised her brows.

"Not everything's about you, girl."

Kate chuckled. "You're right. My bad."

Lanie grinned. "It's gonna get better. Promise. And if you really do need a reminder, I am so over-the-moon-happy to have you back, you have no idea."

"Thanks." She didn't think she needed to hear but maybe she did. "Let's talk about you instead of me. What's happened to you?"

"You mean how'd I get fat?"

Kate cringed. "You are not fat."

"I am fat. All that weight you lost, that you couldn't stand to lose to begin with, went straight to my ass."

"You're stunning, Lanie. Always have been."

"Stunningly large."

Kate pushed herself up fully now, until she was sitting cross-legged on the sofa. "Nope. Not allowed. You do not get to get to crash my pity party and then start your own."

This time her friend laughed and the way her eyes lit up made Beckett smile. It felt good, the thought of still being able to make someone smile. On top of that, it hadn't been false flattery. She really was gorgeous. The handful of extra pounds hadn't changed that at all.

"How about I get us a glass of wine? Can you handle half a glass?"

"'Course."

"Don't you want anything to eat?" Kate asked her after Lanie came back with two wine glasses and poured them both some.

"I had a food truck taco on the way home. Correction, three tacos. Asada, al pastor and chorizo."

Beckett clinked her glass with Lanie's. "Sounds _sabroso_."

"Last year at this time, I was engaged." Lanie told her after her second sip of wine.

Beckett didn't say anything, waited instead until Lanie was ready to tell her more.

"His name was Christopher. We went online and he was just…he was perfect. I fell hard, Kate. He was a lawyer for a big brokerage firm on Wall Street and he was _so much fun_." The memory of it brought on a melancholy smile. "We'd go dancing, and took cooking classes and go for long drives to the beach on weekend. Now that I look back on it, I think to myself how did I ever fall for all that? I shoulda known it was too good to be true."

"Lane…"

"He asked me to marry him after we dated for four months. He didn't even have to finish asking before I said yes. I was so convinced he was the one."

Beckett listened, wanting to hurt this guy already, without knowing what happened yet.

"We were gonna have a winter wedding. We booked the venue and I even got a dress. Then one day, a couple of weeks before the wedding, I surprised him at his place and found him in bed with another woman."

"Oh no…"

"The worst thing about it all wasn't even his cheating ass and that he broke my heart. It was the looks I got from people for months after that," Lanie pointed. "Poor Lanie, had to cancel the wedding, poor Lanie, had to return the dress, poor Lanie, how could she have fallen for him, poor Lanie, we all thought she was smarter than that…"

"Oh hun, I'm so sorry."

"That's when I stopped going out and started eating," Lanie wiped away an errant tear. "I wish you'd been here, Kate. Coulda used my best friend here to tell everyone to fuck off."

"I'm here now. Could still do it."

Lanie chortled. "Careful what you offer. I might take you up on it."

* * *

 _Castle residence, NY_

His youngest usually left her bedroom door open but this time it was closed, so Castle knocked. Softly at first and then harder when she didn't answer, until finally he opened the door anyway.

He poked his head inside her room. "Lily?"

His daughter was lying on her stomach on her bed, propped up on her elbows, staring down at her Ipad.

"How come you didn't answer?"

"I was busy."

"You know that's not an excuse."

Lily turned around and sat up, cross-legged so she could look up at him. "Is Hayley coming back?"

"What?" Castle didn't expect that question.

"She slammed the door and left."

"Were you spying on us from the top of the staircase?"

Her cheeks turned Empire-apple red.

"I thought you had to rush off to your room to do home work?"

"You're not answering my question, Dad."

Castle sat down on the bed with a sigh. This was not how he'd pictured the evening ending when he'd invited Kate over for dinner. "I…I think so yes."

"But you're not sure?"

"She was upset, Lily. But you don't leave your family for good just because you're upset."

Lily gave him a skeptical look. "Okay."

"I came here because we need to talk about your behaviour tonight. You want to tell me what's wrong? Why you were so rude to your Mom tonight?"

Her expression changed from skepticism to angry defensiveness. "Nothing's wrong."

"That's not true and you know it."

"I told you, I have to study. I have a spelling test tomorrow."

"I'm also starting to doubt that that's true." Castle put a hand on her knee. "Tell me why you're upset."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"Dad…" she groaned. "I don't wanna talk about this."

"I'm not leaving your room until you do."

"Fine then," Lily uncrossed her long legs and jumped off the bed. "I'm leaving."

 _Smart ass._ Castle rolled his eyes. "You leave this room right now, Lily, and you won't be going to the swim meet this weekend. Your decision." He winced even as he said it, because he was so horrible at this. Being tough with her.

She turned around and for a second he thought she was about to stomp her foot into the floor in anger. "That is so unfair!"

"You know what's unfair, Lily? The way you treated your Mom tonight."

She crossed her arms and stood firmly rooted in place, across the room from him. "I wasn't being mean."

"Yes, you were." He patted the comforter of her bed. "Come here. Sit down. We need to talk about this."

Arms still crossed, Lily made her way back to the bed and sat down as far away from him as the mattress allowed, without having her fall off on the other side.

"Why are you angry with her?" he pressed, needing to know. There was always a story behind everything.

The words seemed to simmer in her throat for a few seconds before she finally spit them out. "Why are you _not_ angry with her?"

"Why would I be, Lil?"

"She left us! All this time!"

"Sweetheart, she didn't leave us. She was kidnapped," he didn't understand her reaction. "You know this, you've always known this. Your mother did not leave us."

Lily bit her lips, still angry and defensive. "When she came back, she wouldn't let me see her all week."

"I explained that to you too, didn't I?" Castle was beginning to question himself, whether he really hadn't made it clear enough to her. He who was so good with words. "You saw that she was in bad shape at the hospital. She was sick when she got back and needed to get better before she was able to see us."

"She was sick because of the drugs."

" _Drugs_?"

"She took drugs. That's why she can't remember. That's why she was so sick when she got back."

Castle looked at her in shock. Now _this_ hadn't been part of his talks with her. "Who told you that?"

"Why would she take drugs that made her forget us if she loves us so much?"

"Wait a minute…" Castle held up his hand. "Slow down and tell me right now who told you this."

"Alexis. She said the doctors said that Mom's body was full of drugs. Isn't it true, Dad?"

 _Alexis,_ Castle exhaled angrily. _Why the hell would you put that in your little sister's head? Why?_

Obviously, Lily wasn't the only child of his that he needed to talk to.

"It's true they found drugs in her blood, yes. But it's not true that she was taking them. Whoever kidnapped her forced her to take them. There's a big difference, sweetheart."

"But how do you know for sure, Dad? If Mom doesn't remember, how do _you_ know?"

"Because I know your mother."

"So you don't know then?"

"Yes," he moved closer to her. He was going to get this through her thick little skull tonight. "Yes, I _do_ know."

" _How?"_

"Let me tell something about your Mom that you don't know. Something that I never planned to tell you."

Lily looked up at him, curious now. "What?"

"You know that we both got shot before you were born, right?"

"Yeah," she nodded sombrely.

"Well, when your Mom got shot she was already pregnant with you."

"She was?"

"Yes, she was and the doctors told her that it was going to be really hard for her. Having a baby and being as injured as she was. There were going to be medications that she needed that she wouldn't be able to take anymore because of it. Everything was going to be so much harder."

Lily didn't say anything but her angry pout was gone now.

"Your mother said it didn't matter how hard or how painful it was going to be. She was going to do whatever it took to make sure you came into this world okay, even if it meant risking her own life." Castle squeezed her knee. "She was ready to fight for you before she ever saw you or held you. _That's_ how much your Mom loves you."

Lily blinked, still quiet.

"And if you think that she would ever stay away from you on purpose, you're very wrong, sweetheart. It doesn't matter whether or not she remembers or whether someone forced some awful drugs into her, I _know_ your Mom would move heaven and earth to find her way back to you. I also know that you're the main reason that she did survive the last six years." Castle looked into his daughter's eyes and made sure she understood this time. " _You_ need to know that about her."

"Okay," she said softly.

Castle caught her blinking hard. "Good."

"Dad." She nearly choked on the word. "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"I know."

Because her heart was huge, his daughter was on the verge of tears now, so he pulled her into a hug and held on tight.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into his ears. "I'm really sorry."

He stroked her long hair. "It's okay, Lily. But let's find a way to start fixing things."

* * *

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, NY_

"I talked to Yamato," Kevin told Esposito as soon as he sank into the chair at his desk, stifling a yawn.

"Told him what?" Esposito mumbled, without taking his eyes off the computer screen in front of him. His desk was across from Ryan's.

"That we need help. The two of us can't do this alone. Find a serial killer who's cutting up young illegals while we're trying to find the guy who did this to Beckett."

"Durand's helping us go through the press conference feedback," Esposito told him.

"It's not enough!" Ryan exclaimed.

"Take a look at this," Esposito gestured to the screen in front of him with an index finger.

Ryan rolled his chair around to his partner's desk, until he was staring at the same computer screen. He saw what was obviously streetcam footage of an inner-city neighborhood. One that he wasn't familiar with. A block of shops and row houses that had clearly seen better days underneath an overpass. Vagrants and garbage littered some of the steel columns holding it up. "What am I looking at?"

"It's a street cam in north-east Philadelphia."

Ryan had heard of some major drug busts in Kensington during his days in vice, but that was the extent of his knowledge of that area. " _Why_ am I looking at it?"

"I've had IT go through that camera's recent history because there was a woman who insisted she'd seen Beckett in her 'hood after the press conference."

"Yeah, her and about five hundred others. Most of them nutters who want their five minutes of fame."

"Durand thought this one was legit so I asked him to reach out to her."

"What'd she say?"

"That she's seen Beckett several times in the last year. Has no idea where she lived but she saw her a couple of times at a corner store."

"With whom?"

"No one."

"Alone? That's…unlikely."

"I thought so too. Until I saw this." Esposito's face was sombre as he rewound the footage. "Tell me…does that look like Beckett?"

A tall, slim woman wearing a grey hoodie that covered part of her dark hair appeared on the screen. She'd just stepped out of the corner store. It was hard to make out her face at first, but she was walking towards the hidden camera, and as she came closer her features became recognizable.

"Holy shit." Kevin Ryan moved a hand over his mouth in shock. "It's her. How is that possible?"

Captain Kate Beckett, missing and presumed dead, was freely walking around on her own in Philadelphia.

"I'm not jumpin' to any conclusions," Esposito told him with a frown. "Sure this woman looks like her, doesn't mean it's her."

His partner had always been Beckett's biggest defender. Clearly that hadn't changed.

It was more than the facial features though, Ryan thought as his eyes fixated on the screen. It was her movement, her gait, her gestures, everything. All the little details that his cop brain was trained to look for when identifying suspects, were telling him that this was her. Not some eerie doppelganger.

"Wait 'til IT dissects it further."

"When's this footage from?" Ryan wanted to know.

"Two months ago."


	23. Chapter 23

**23**

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, NYC_

Kate Beckett watched the footage for the fifth time, still baffled and angry at what she saw. She barely heard Esposito approach her from behind with a take-out coffee cup in his hand.

He handed it to her. "Here." Then he pulled up a chair next to her. "Anything?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Jav." Kate turned to him after setting down the coffee. "Yeah, it's me. But I don't remember being there."

"I called the PPD, sent them the footage and requested a coupla unis to canvas the area. If you went to that store more than once, there's a chance you lived nearby."

" _Lived_?" Kate looked at him incredulously. He said it as though she'd gone to Philly and rented an apartment for a couple of years just for kicks. "I didn't _live_ there, Jav."

"Held. Lived. You know what I mean," he raised his hand in defense. "We don't know much of anything right now."

"I wanna go there," she told him, still staring at some corner store that held no recollection for her at all. "Maybe if I go there it'll trigger a memory or something."

"I agree," Esposito told her. "I think we should go there. I think we should go back to the cabin in the woods too. The one where we found you. That could trigger something too. We were waiting for you to be up to it, that's all. Whenever you're ready."

Ready? Of course she was ready. "We can go right now."

"I asked the Cap to take me off the homicide I'm on now to focus on this thing and I didn't get the go-ahead yet. Give me a day or two."

"A day or two?" Beckett tore her eyes away from the screen long enough to look at Esposito and take a sip of the coffee he'd given her. "You don't you need to come with me. I can go on my own."

"Are you crazy?" Esposito looked at her as though she was. "You're not a cop anymore. You can't go around flashing a badge and questioning people."

"I don't need to be a cop to ask a convenience store clerk if he's seen me before."

"Beckett. _Don't._ " Esposito admonished her. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Fine. I'll just twiddle my thumbs until you get the okay from One PP."

"I said gimme a day or two. Tops," he shot back. "To make sure we do it right."

Beckett exhaled. The coffee tasted good as it went down. Fresh and strong. It gave her frazzled senses some clarity too.

"Okay, okay," she agreed with reluctance.

"Know what you should do in the meantime?"

"What?" She was afraid to ask.

"Go see someone who might help you remember."

"A shrink?"

"Whoever."

Beckett stared at him. She wasn't convinced that a shrink would be better equipped to help her find her lost memories than a visit to the place where she was found.

"All right."

"I mean it," Javier told her, his face full of skepticism. "Don't do anything stupid on your own."

"A little faith please."

His face softened, slightly rueful. "S'not that I don't trust you. It's that I _know_ you."

Beckett gave him a subtle nod. His distrust wasn't unwarranted. She'd done this before and dragged him along, with all the worst consequences.

She got up and cupped the coffee in her palms. "Will you call me as soon as you're ready to go?"

"'Course."

"Thanks."

Then she made her way out of the precinct and started walking in an effort to try and release all the pent-up tension in her body.

She had no destination and no route in mind, but the familiar sites and street names she saw along the way let her know she was heading south, downtown.

One block turned into ten. Ten into twenty. Thirty. Forty.

She walked through the West Village and past the chess players at Washington Square park, surprised to still see them sitting outside on this cold, late Fall day. Then she criss-crossed through Soho and Greenwich Village, not far from the loft she used to call home. This used to be her neighbourhood. She saw coffee shops and restaurants that she recognized, places where she'd have dinner with her husband after a long day at work, when both of them were too tired to cook.

And she also saw countless new stores, new brands, that she didn't recognize at all.

So much was the same, and so much was different.

She kept walking south, crossing Canal Street, past City Hall and the 9/11 memorial, until she finally took a break in Battery Park after buying a bottle of water from a hot dog vendor.

Even then, she still hadn't exorcised the restlessness that coursed through her veins after seeing that video, so she looped around the southern tip of Manhattan and joined a crowd of tourists that were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge.

She was a tourist too. A stranger in her life and in her city, and she so badly yearned to reclaim them both.

So what if she was in limbo right now, staying in a friend's spare bedroom in an unfamiliar neighbourhood? New York was still her city. This was where she grew up. Where she'd pounded the pavement as a beat cop, seen its dark and seedy underbelly as a detective and then glimpsed some of its hallways of power as a captain.

This was where she'd fallen in love, survived two gunshots, and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

This was _home_.

Yet the images of the video kept playing in her head. Images of her, walking around in Philadelphia.

Beckett had assumed that she was held captive for six years, but that video had thrown that assumption upside down and it gnawed at her. Made her want to crawl out of her skin because it simply wasn't possible.

It couldn't be true.

There was no way she'd be walking around freely in Philadelphia when she could have made her way back to Lily and Castle.

No way.

Beckett felt her phone buzzing in her pocket after she'd already crossed the East river and she pulled it out with frozen digits, while a gust of wind blew her hair into her face. Only a handful of people had her new number.

It was a text message.

 _-Trust me. You don't want to remember._

Beckett's heart hammered in her chest as she opened the message to look at the number. It was a New York area code but Beckett didn't recognize the number. Probably a burner. Not that she recognized many numbers any more.

She stood still in the middle of a sidewalk and a couple of irritated pedestrians bumped into her while she waited for another message.

Nothing.

Several minutes passed by while her heart raced. She forced some air into her lungs and noticed her fingers were trembling when she dialled Esposito's number and told him about the message.

" _I'll run it and let you know as soon as I do. But you're right, it's probably a burner."_

He asked her who had her phone number and took that information down too. It was a small list so it didn't take long.

" _Yo, Beckett, you have my…gift on you? If not, go somewhere safe. Don't want you alone knowing this psycho still has you on his radar."_

The gun. Beckett didn't think she'd need it for a short trip to the precinct so she'd left it locked up at Lanie's place.

"Yeah," she lied.

" _Good,"_ she could hear the relief in his voice. The message had obviously unsettled him too. _"Let you know as soon as we run it."_

"Thanks." She ended the call and then moved to sit down at the first set of steps she found. They led up to a pet store that seemed to have no foot traffic around. Then she put her head down to her knees and focused on not hyperventilating.

When her breathing was normal again and her hands stopped shaking, Beckett pushed herself back up and kept walking.

 _I know you want to get back into my head, but I won't let you._

She had walked the length of the Brooklyn promenade by the time she saw the sun set over the skyline and her legs gave out and told her this was enough. She headed for downtown Brooklyn and stumbled into a Yemeni café where she sat down at first table she saw. The muscles in her legs ached and burned, clearly no longer used to this much activity.

"Ma'am, can I get you something?" a dark-haired waiter approached, looking at her like the wild, lost creature that she was.

"Tea?" She needed something warm. Desperately.

He rattled off a list of options that went right over her head. "Doesn't matter." She told him. "Nothing caffeinated." Her heart was still racing. She hadn't been able to really calm down since getting the text message. Since seeing the video, really. If she was being honest with herself.

The waiter came back with a steaming pot of something that smelled like lemongrass. Kate poured herself a cup and held it in her hands before sipping it slowly so as not to burn her throat.

He asked her if she wanted food but she shook her head, because her stomach was in knots.

Her answer didn't deter him from coming back to the table and leaving a small basked of crispy flatbread on it. "On the house."

Eventually she had a few bites.

Tomorrow, Beckett thought. She'd go to Albany tomorrow. It didn't matter that she no longer had a license to drive. There was bus service to Albany and she could take a taxi from the bus terminal to that cabin in the woods.

Javier had told her not to go to Philadelphia alone. But he didn't say anything about Albany.

Albany was where this all started. It had to mean something. There had to some sort of connection to Albany.

And she really, _really_ needed to start remembering, regardless of what the message said.

Kate drank some more of the tea when suddenly her brand new Iphone buzzed in the pocket of her jacket. She reached for it and swiped to answer the call. "Hello?"

" _Mom? Is that you?"_

"Lily?" Kate almost dropped the phone. "Hi, sweetie, yes. How are you?"

" _I'm good and you?"_

A smile spread across Kate's face at the sound of her daughter's voice. She was still getting used to hearing it. "I'm good too."

" _I was thinking…do you still wanna come to the swim meet with us this weekend?"_

"Swim meet?"

" _My relay race on Saturday. Only if you want to, you don't have to if…"_

"Yes, yes…I want! I mean, I'd love to. Where is it?"

" _Dad said we can pick up you at Lanie's place, if that's okay?"_

"Lanie's place? Okay. Sure. When?"

" _It starts at one o'clock but I have to get there earlier."_ Kate heard Lily chatting with Rick in the background before her voice came back clearly again. _"Dad says we can pick you up at eleven."_

"Eleven o'clock on Saturday morning. I'll be there."

" _Okay."_

"Do I need to bring anything?"

She thought she heard Lily giggling. Maybe it was a dumb question.

" _No. You don't have to bring anything."_

"Okay."

" _See you on Saturday, Mom."_

Beckett couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. All the weight she'd carried from the 12th down into Brooklyn was slowly falling off her shoulders. "See you on Saturday, Lily."

She was still grinning into her new Iphone when the waiter walked by again and this time she flagged him down. "Excuse me, I think I will order something after all."

The knots in her stomach were loosening too, bringing back her appetite and making her realize she was starving.

* * *

 _Castle Residence, NY_

"Check," Lily announced after sweeping her queen across the board diagonally and capturing his rook.

The little sneak. He did not see that coming at all.

Lily raised her brows and grabbed her mug of hug chocolate, slurping it with delight, so obviously pleased with her stealthy attack.

Castle moved his king to safety but it was one of only two moves he had left. The other one would have meant sacrificing his bishop and he didn't have enough pieces left for that.

That's when the doorbell rang unexpectedly.

Castle got up from the game, grateful for the reprieve from his increasingly worthy opponent. A year ago she'd never have gotten this close to beating him. Not unless he helped her along, which he wasn't doing tonight at all.

"Alexis?" He was surprised to see his other daughter standing out in the hallway. "Hi. Come in."

"Hi, Dad." She peeked into the living room and gave Lily a wave.

"I wasn't expecting you." He was still angry at her for what she'd told Lily and it was hard not to show it. They really needed to talk. "Is Hayley staying with you?" he asked.

Alexis set down her purse on the free chair at the dining room table and bent down to kiss the top of her little sister's head. "Hey, Lil. Kicking Dad's butt, I hope?"

Her little sister grinned. "Yup."

"Alexis?"

"Yeah, she's staying with me," Alexis answered his question.

"Check."

Although Castle's attention was no longer fully on the game, he noticed that in her eagerness to put him into checkmate, Lily had made a careless move. She'd placed her queen into the path of his bishop and he could have captured it and simultaneously moved himself out of check. Instead, he lamely moved his king back another square and gave her the chance to seal the deal by moving her queen in for the kill.

His youngest didn't miss the opportunity. She struck quickly. "Check mate!"

Alexis high-fived her little sister. "Good job."

"Can we play another game?"

"No, you can go do the math homework you said you'd do after this one."

"Just one more?" she pleaded.

"After your homework."

Lily sipped at her hot chocolate and pouted a little.

"Go on," Castle prompted her. "Go do it now before you get tired."

"But Alexis is here!"

"I know," Castle acknowledged before turning his gaze to his eldest. "But I need to talk to your sister. Alone."


	24. Chapter 24

**24**

 _Castle residence, NY_

"Why do you need to talk to Alexis alone?"

"Lily?"

"Okay, okay…" Lily pushed back her chair and left the dining room, scooting up the stairs, still taking two steps at a time even though she was holding a half-full mug of hot chocolate in her hands.

"Is Hayley okay?" Castle asked after Lily was out of sight.

'What do you think, Dad?" Alexis answered icily, settling into the chair where Lily had been sitting and had just finished winning her game of chess. "She catches you having a romantic evening with Beckett the minute she's out of sight, you think she's okay?"

Castle clenched his teeth, bracing himself. "You are so wrong about this." _And out of line,_ he realized, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"What is going on with you, Dad? Are you really gonna throw away your marriage and everything good that happened in the last six years the minute that Beckett is back in the picture?"

"Excuse me? 'Everything good about the last six years?'" He'd barely been able to put one foot in front of the other for a good chunk of the last six years.

"Hayley has been here for you, _for us_ , for _six_ years, and you're just…gonna throw that away now?" Judging from how red her cheeks were, Alexis was as upset as he was.

"Look, sweetheart. I love Hayley. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I'm not gonna lie and tell you that I don't feel anything for Kate. That her coming back doesn't change anything, because it does. It changes everything. Kate and I, we didn't split up or fall out of love…we were torn apart."

"You two fought all the time before she disappeared! Did you forget that, Dad? Are you so sure you two would even still be together if she'd never disappeared?"

"What?" Castle didn't understand. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I was there," she insists. "I saw you guys arguing!"

"Sure, we argued," he admits. "But so what, Alexis? So does every married couple! Our arguments were mostly about Kate spending too much time at work, because I selfishly wanted more time with her. Because I had a bad feeling about her last case. Not because we wanted to split up. That never entered our conversations!"

"You were right, Dad. She should have listened to you and dropped the case. But of course she didn't because Kate always puts her work first. Always."

Castle closed his eyes and exhaled, waiting a moment for the full brunt of his anger to subside. "You're out of line, Alexis and you need to stop."

"Why?" Her eyes blinked. "Because you don't want to hear the truth?"

" _Because this is none of your damn business!"_

Alexis's face blanched at the tone of his voice and then he saw her eyes water. He'd never spoken to her like this before. Had never really yelled at her because he'd never needed or wanted to.

"Did you forget that I'm the one who found you bleeding to death on your kitchen floor, Dad? You almost died because Kate wouldn't let go of that stupid LokSat case."

Castle stared at her in disbelief. Was _that_ what this was about? "I'm sorry you had to find us like you did, you know that. I hate that you had to see that. But if you hadn't found us when…"

"It's not about that, Dad" she brushed him off, wiping away a tear.

"I'm not sure I believe you."

"It's about her putting your life at risk."

"It's _my_ life, Alexis. If I learned anything when you started dating, it's that I do not have a right to decide what my daughter's heart feels for another person. That goes both ways."

Alexis was about to say something but this time he stopped her.

"I get it now. It's not just that Hayley is a good friend to you, you think she's good for us, while you think Kate will keep putting us in danger. I've been blind to it for too long. Maybe we should have talked about it and maybe we didn't because I wanted to pretend everything was okay."

"I don't have anything against Kate! I just don't want you to…"

"I'm _not_ done," Castle cut her off again. "It doesn't matter, Lex, do you understand that? It does not matter whether you think I'm making the wrong choice or whether you think I'll get hurt or whether you love Kate as much Hayley. None of it matters. _I_ get to decide who I love. Not you, not anyone else. Maybe I don't think Leon's such a stand-up guy either." Her stunned reaction to that surprised him. They'd obviously both been blind. "But that doesn't matter one bit if he makes you happy."

"You really are gonna go back to Beckett, aren't you? You're unbelievable."

"Honestly?" He gave her an incredulous look. "I can't even think beyond tomorrow and I don't know _what_ I feel half the time since Beckett got back. No matter who I'm with, I feel like I'm betraying someone. Do you have idea any how hard it was for me, to have looked for Kate all this time, to have wanted her back _so_ bad, to have wished every day to have another chance to tell her how much I loved her…and then this miracle happened and I got her back, and _still couldn't tell her_! I couldn't even hold her in my arms because of all the damn guilt I had for feeling the things I did!"

Alexis didn't say anything and she looked remorseful for the first time since she stepped into the loft tonight.

"But," he went on. "If Beckett and I somehow end up with each other, next month or next year or five years from now, you're gonna have to be okay with my choice, Lex. Because it's gonna be my choice."

Disappointment was written all over her face. "Is that it?"

"No, that's not it," he replied. "We need to talk about something else too."

"What?"

"What have you been telling your little sister about Kate doing drugs while was gone?"

"What?" Alexis looked aghast. "I didn't say that!"

"What exactly did or didn't you say then?"

"I told Lily that they found drugs in her system! She wanted to go see her after she got out of the hospital and Lanie told me she wasn't up for it. So I had to give Lily a reason why she couldn't see her mother. It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Did you make it clear to Lily that someone gave those drugs to her mother?"

"How do we know that?" Alexis fired back. "Kate doesn't know herself what she did during the last six years! How are you so certain about things she herself doesn't remember?"

It wasn't often that he wanted to throttle his eldest, but right now he did.

"Do you seriously think that Kate left us to do drugs?"

"I…" Alexis's eyes widened. "No, no of course not."

"Then next time your sister asks you about that topic, you need to make that very damn clear to her. Because she's nine years old and she can't read between the lines yet."

"Why are you so upset about this?"

"Why? Because after you had that conversation with Lily, your little sister thought her mother chose crack over her, that's why!"

"I…that's crazy." She was remorseful again. "I didn't mean for her to think that. I'd never."

"Alexis, you need to put your sister first, regardless of how you feel about Kate, do you understand that? I didn't have a whole lot of affection for your mother after she left me when you were just a baby, but how I felt didn't matter. You were my number one priority and you needed a mother in your life. You're going to do the same thing for your sister, is that clear?"

"Dad…"

"You can answer that with a yes or no."

"Yes!"

"Your sister wants to regain a connection with her Mom so bad, you have no idea. After spending six years without her, she deserves that, and so does Kate. You do not get to mess that up again. Do you understand?"

Alexis was stunned, a hundred emotions written on her pale face until she finally managed a whispered. "I said yes."

But then she also put a hand over her mouth and turned even paler.

"Alexis?"

"I'm gonna be sick," she mumbled before pushing back her chair and taking off for the bathroom in a wild sprint.

She didn't have enough time to close the door, so he could hear her throwing up.

Castle ran a hand through his hair, already regretting how harsh he'd been with her.

Disciplining his children, especially Alexis, who'd never given him any trouble, had always been his biggest weakness.

Nothing he did these days seemed to settle the ever-present guilt and confusion that had settled in his gut since Beckett came back.

* * *

 _Lanie's apartment, NYC_

She found Beckett asleep on her sofa when she got home from work. Not only asleep, but asleep sideways, half sitting up, fully clothed wearing a windbreaker over her hoodie and a pair of flat-heeled boots she'd bought yesterday. As though she barely made it to couch before she nodded off.

"Hey," Lanie squeezed her friend's shoulder, wanting to wake her because this couldn't be comfortable. She'd wake up with all sorts of kinks in her body if she kept sleeping like this. "Come on, wake up."

Beckett didn't stir, so she squeezed her shoulder a little harder, hoping the pressure would seep through all those layers of clothing. Her friend's hair had fallen over her face too, so she brushed it aside, making her look a little less wild.

Her cheek was warm too and Lanie let the back of her hand linger on it. Beckett's skin was hot enough to touch that it made Lanie think she was running a fever.

It made her gut clench a bit, knowing that she was a terrific medical examiner but a terrible nurse. That maybe she should keep a better eye on her friend, only because she'd been at death's door less than two weeks ago and was still so thin. But then again, it was so easy to leave her be, because God knows Beckett never acted like she needed anyone to take care of her.

One of Kate's wrist's hung over the armrest and it was still red and bruised. Javier had told Lanie that she'd rubbed them raw trying to get out the ropes that had bound them together inside that cabin in Albany.

Lanie made a mental note to take a couple of days off next week and actually spend them with her friend. Force feed her some southern cooking, maybe go see a movie or two and make her take long naps instead of running around to the precinct.

"Hey," she repeated, louder this time, while pinching her cheek.

Beckett made a face and swatted her hand away. "Lanie?"

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

Beckett rubbed the sleep from her eyes and yawned before pushing herself up against the armrest.

"You okay?" Lanie asked her, sitting down on the couch next to her.

"Yeah. Fine."

"You sure?" Lanie gave her a skeptical look while Beckett eased out of her boots and jacket and curled up her legs on the couch.

"Yeah, why?" she yawned again.

"'Cause I come home and find you asleep in your clothes on the couch?"

"Sorry," Beckett gave her a lop-sided smile. "Had a long walk. Guess I was tired. I'm so out of shape, Lanie. I have no stamina. No energy."

"You do know you're still recovering, right? Long walk where?"

"Brooklyn Heights."

"I thought you said you were going to the precinct."

"I did." She replied. "Then I walked to Brooklyn from there."

" _Why_?" She searched her friend's face for any signs of mental instability she might've missed this morning. But the only thing she did catch was fatigue.

"The boys showed me some video footage at the 12th."

"Video footage?"

"Street cam footage of me, walking around some south Philly neighbourhood two months ago."

" _What_?"

Beckett was pensive. "I can't explain it, Lane. I must've watched it ten times and it was me. I have no doubts about it. But at the same time…it's not possible. Why wouldn't I have made my way back to my family if I wasn't held captive? It makes no sense."

Lanie cringed, beginning to understand why she'd trekked across town. "Did this, this video, trigger any memories at all?"

"No," Beckett shook her head angrily. "Of course not. It's so damn frustrating."

"Give it some more time."

"I can't just sit back and wait, Lanie. I'm going to Albany tomorrow."

"Albany?"

"I want to go to the cabin where they found me. See if that'll trigger anything."

"Who are you going with?"

"I…uh, no one."

Lanie straightened her back. "Have you lost your mind?"

"I'll take a cab from the bus terminal. I'll bribe the cab driver to walk to the cabin with me, if that makes you feel better."

"No, it doesn't. If you don't find someone to go with I'll find someone. "

"You will not." Beckett rolled her eyes, wide awake now.

"It's a crime scene. You can't just walk in there."

"I'm sure the tape will still be up," Beckett told her. "But you know forensics is long done with it. I'll reach out to the Albany PD before I go in case it's sealed. Not that there's much to seal from what I've heard of it."

"Still. Take someone with you." Lanie had a strange feeling that there was more to the sudden urge to revisit the crime scene. Something else that Beckett wasn't telling her.

"You're nagging again."

"Oh, that's what that is, not wanting your best friend to crawl around some hidden forest cabin where a psycho-killer kept her tied up and left her to die…you call that nagging."

Beckett winced. "Lanie…"

"And why Albany? Why not Philly if that's where the footage is from?"

"Have to wait a couple of days until Javi coordinates it with the Philly PD."

"Okay, but take someone tomorrow. If you don't I'll personally take a sick day and drag my ass up there with you. I'll bring an ax too."

Beckett chuckled. "Got it."

"And make an appointment with a shrink, would you?"

"Anything else?"

Lanie picked up her cell phone. "I'm gonna guess you didn't make us dinner, again."

Her friend made that face that made her look like a kid. "Guilty as charged."

"In that case I'm ordering Chinese take-out. What do you want?"

"I already ate."

"No excuse. I'm not eating alone. Tell me what you want before I decide for you."

"Fine." Beckett leaned back into the sofa with a grin. "Chicken fried rice. You're such a tyrant, you know that?"

* * *

 _Castle residence. NYC_

Castle waited a couple of minutes before he walked up to the bathroom and knocked on the still half-open door. He saw Alexis rinsing her mouth in the sink and splashing some water on her face. "You okay, sweetheart?"

She came out slowly, still looking pale as a ghost. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Do you still have that stomach bug? It's been weeks, Alexis. I think you should see a doctor."

"It's not a bug."

His concern deepened. "What is it then?"

"It's a baby."

"A baby?"

"I'm pregnant."

Castle's eyes lit up and a giant smile spread across his face at the news. Morning sickness or not, he expected to see joy on his daughter's face too.

What he didn't expect was for her to throw her arms around him and burst into tears.


	25. Chapter 25

**25**

 _Lanie's apartment, NYC_

Kate Beckett grabbed a muffin and hastily tied up her boots when she was saw the time. She'd planned to have a good breakfast. Maybe call the precinct and bug them about any new leads.

She'd also planned on getting up about an hour earlier.

But her marathon walk yesterday had knocked her out and she'd slept right through the alarm. Hadn't even heard Lanie leave for work and normally _that_ was her wake-up call.

Now she had exactly 25 minutes to haul her ass down to 41st and 8th and catch the next bus to Albany.

Her hand was about to reach for the door handle when a knock from the other side almost made her jump back.

She'd gotten Javier to call off the uniform ever since he gave her the gun, so now she retrieved it from the drawer by the living room entrance, before taking a glimpse through the peephole.

Only to see Castle standing on the other side.

She whipped it open. " _Castle_? What are you doing here?"

"Don't shoot!"

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Seriously. What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here?" He was holding a take-out coffee cup in his hand. "Lanie asked me to come. She said you needed someone to drive you to Albany."

Beckett clenched her lips. She was one-hundred percent going to kill Lanie tonight. "I…I don't."

A puzzled frown met her rejection. "You don't need someone to drive you? Or you're no longer going?"

"I…" She was tongue tied. "Castle, I'm sorry Lanie dragged you here. I really am, but I gotta run."

He stepped aside as she closed the door from outside. "Where to?"

"I'm…" It infuriated her, that look on his face, that suggested no matter what her destination was, he was determined to take her there. "Look…it's none of your business."

"You're going to Albany, aren't you? On your own. What the hell, Kate?" She saw that her irritation was mirrored on his face.

"Excuse me?"

"To the place where this guy left you for dead while he's still out there?"

"Who's to say I'm not having an Albany police officer take me there once I get there?"

" _Are_ you?"

She clenched her teeth, wanting to throttle him. All these years later, there was still no one else who got under her skin the way he did. No one who knew her as well as he did and because of it was so singularly well-equipped to always call her out on it when she was bullshitting.

And, _shit_ , at this rate she was definitely going to miss her bus.

"Fine." She glared at him. "Drive me to Albany. But this is the last time, Castle. Got it? I'm not your concern, not your problem and not some kid you have to babysit. I'm also not your wife anymore, is that clear?"

"Very." There was a mix of triumph, amusement and hurt in his eyes, and that too got under her skin. This man who always felt so much more deeply than he admitted to. "Anything else you wanna get off your chest?"

She swallowed hard, mildly embarrassed after her outburst. "No, that's it."

He offered her the coffee cup that he'd been holding on to. "Vanilla latte?"

Her eyes widened.

 _You brought me coffee?_

He pulled it back when she didn't take it from him, clearly regretting the gesture. "I thought maybe you still like them. But, never mind. It was stupid."

She hadn't had one since she got back, even though she had been fuelling her body with coffee. Probably too much so for someone whose heart already had a bullet scar and couldn't seem to stop racing these days. But at the same time her body still craved something. All the time. Probably some godawful drug that it had gotten used to in the last six years.

Coffee seemed like an acceptable replacement by comparison.

But a vanilla latte? That was different.

She only once ordered one in front of him, not expecting him to pick up on her guilty pleasure so quickly. She avoided such decadent beverages on the job before she met Castle. Being a female cop was hard enough without all the boys riling her about exorbitantly expensive coffee. Socialites on Park Avenue drank lattes and Earl Grey teas with milk but if you were in the NYPD, you drank black, percolated coffee out of fat glass pots that were only washed once every twenty years.

But as soon as Castle entered the picture, he'd changed her mind.

He'd offer her a vanilla latte first thing in the morning, sometimes before the sun was up. He'd bring it to horrible, gut-wrenching crime scenes. And with it he reminded her that when you were surrounded by death and ugly violence every single day, you had every right in the world to enjoy a sweet, milky cup of heaven. To hell with what the boys thought.

Castle became synonymous with vanilla lattes. He even used to make her a decaf version when she was pregnant.

Beckett didn't realize how much she'd missed them. How _badly_ she wanted that disposable cup he was holding.

She saw that he was about to throw it into the nearest waste bin and grabbed his arm. "Wait…wait!"

Castle turned around.

"I'll take it."

He didn't say anything when he handed it to her, but she caught the corner of his eyes lifting into a smile.

Happiness.

It was written all over him and his efforts to hide it failed miserably. It made him so damn happy that he could finally do something for her again.

* * *

 _Later_

They barely spoke more than a few words during the drive.

Kate mostly stared out the window and whenever he wasn't focused on the rainy highway ahead he stole a few glances in her direction, still not quite used to having her back, living and breathing and close enough to touch.

She liked the vanilla latte. A lot, judging from the barely audibly, but highly orgasmic sounds of pleasure that escaped her throat a couple of times. Against her will, no doubt.

In turn, it made him smile, but he wouldn't let her see it.

Such was the bizarre, precarious state of their relationship now. One that neither of them could define and both were still trying to figure out.

"I'm gonna be a grandpa."

They were close to Albany when he blurted it out, partly because the silence was starting to choke him and partly because he couldn't imagine not telling her something so big.

Kate finally turned her gaze away from the window. "Oh wow. Alexis is…?"

He nodded, allowing himself a grin now. "She told me last night."

A smile lifted her lips too. It softened her features and made her look radiant, especially in that moment just as the sun pierced through the car window. It stole his breath for a minute, the reminder of just how breathtakingly beautiful she still was.

"Congratulations. That's…amazing. How far along is she?"

"Not very. Less than eight weeks."

"I'm guessing she's in a steady relationship? Is she…married?"

"Engaged."

"Ah…" Castle watched as she digested that bit of information. "I'd love to see her," Kate said softly, turning away from him away. "To catch up. I've missed her so much. I'd love to give her a big hug and congratulate her."

"That'd be nice."

"I left her a few messages but she didn't get back to me."

Castle tightened his lips. "I'm sure she will. She's had her plate full the last couple of weeks."

"I bet," Kate bit on a fingernail as she stared out the window and then turned to him again. "She must be ecstatic though, right?"

Castle hesitated. "It's…complicated."

Kate narrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"

"The baby was unplanned. I don't think Leon, her fiancé, is ready for it."

"Is he younger than her?"

"Maturity wise yes. About two decades. In actuality, he's three years older."

"Wow. Now tell me how you really feel about him."

Castle winced. He hadn't meant to spit it out quite like that. He'd been so good about burying his less than stellar opinion of the guy for so long. After all, Hayley and Alexis were best friends. He couldn't exactly confide this one thing to his wife for fear that she'd let on to his daughter. "He's a stock broker. Enough said."

"I'm detecting some judgment."

He exhaled. It felt good. To finally tell someone he trusted how he felt about the guy. How much he hated that this was gonna be his son-in-law when he always felt that Alexis deserved so much better. His daughter deserved someone whose heart was as big as hers. Someone who cared more about people and less about stocks and bonds. She also deserved a guy who could man up when he had to. "I've never told anyone how I feel about the guy. You know I learned my lesson when it comes to meddling in her love life, after Pi. But now I'm starting to regret it. I should've said something."

"Then she'd have pushed you away, wouldn't have listened anyway." Kate reminded him. "You know how this works. It's the love haze. We don't think clearly when we're in it."

"She burst into tears last night when she told me. What should have been one of the happiest announcements in her life, made her cry. And then she told me that she wasn't sure she wanted to have this baby if Leon didn't."

"Oh no…"

"Alexis would probably kill me if she knew I was telling you this."

That admission seemed to sadden her. "My lips are sealed."

"I know."

"What did you tell her?"

"That she's the only one who matters. That if she wants this child it doesn't matter what Leon thinks. That's she's got a whole family that's ready to love this baby and help her raise it already and if…if she truly doesn't want it, then…then we'll support that choice too and we'll be there for her. But I really tried to make sure she knew that this was her choice. No one else's. Doesn't matter if the idiot puts a ring on her finger or not. After she stopped crying, we ate hot fudge sundaes."

He caught Kate's hand moving towards his thigh, before she quickly pulled it back. As if she suddenly realized she was doing something she shouldn't and that put a lump in his throat.

Kate wasn't looking at him anymore. She was back to staring out the window. "You're a good father, Richard Castle. And a good man."

He wanted to tell her she was wrong. That he hadn't been either of those for some time now.

But he didn't say it out loud. Instead, they both plunged back into silence for the rest of the drive.

* * *

 _Albany, NY_

It was raining hard by the time they parked in the forested area where they'd found her, barely alive, two weeks ago. Castle's Mercedes was the only car in the deserted parking lot, which essentially wasn't much more than a patch of gravel in the woods.

But Beckett strode into the woods as though none of it mattered. She was determined not to be distracted by the rain, or the jarring cold after leaving the comfortable warmth of the car, or even by Castle's occasional yelps whenever he was hit by a branch.

She had reached out to the Albany police and asked for permission to see the site, had even asked if an officer could accompany them, but there was a pile-up on the I-90 and a domestic situation that was tying up a good chunk of their officers.

" _Knock yourself out, Captain. Tape might still be there but it's not sealed. Forensics got everything they needed days ago and the rain contaminated what was left."_

Truth was, she was glad they were here alone. The less distractions the better.

She'd looked at the crime scene photos and they'd triggered nothing, so she was desperately hoping that actually being inside the cabin would have a different effect.

Once they reached the cabin, Beckett saw that the officer she'd spoken to on the phone was right; the yellow crime scene tape still surrounded the crumbling shack but it was a futile deterrent for anyone who really wanted in. The door was so loose on its hinges that all she'd need to do was cut through it.

"Here," Castle handed her a Swiss Army knife. Of course he'd have one handy.

"Thanks," she took it grudgingly, annoyed with herself for not thinking of bringing scissors.

"Aren't you glad you brought me along?" Rain fell off the rim of his hood and a few wet strands of hair clung to the sides of his face. It made her want to wipe away the drops with the pad of her thumb.

Kate fought back the urge and pulled out the knife with slippery fingers. "Shut up."

She cut through the tape and gave the dilapidated door a gentle push when she was done, afraid that anything stronger might topple the entire structure.

Goosebumps lined her arms when she stepped inside, even though the brief respite from the rain should have warmed her up. Random drops still fell through all the cracks in the roof but it was a big improvement from the downpour outside

Castle was two steps behind her and he lowered the hood off his head as soon as they were inside, wiping his face with the sleeve of the sweater underneath his jacket.

It was dark inside too, even though it was midday. The rain clouds outside and the lack of light inside meant it took a minute for her eyes to adjust and see everything clearly. There was probably a flashlight on her fancy new phone, but she couldn't be bothered to fish for it in her pocket or figure out how to access it.

Something smelled rancid and rotten and it was so damp and cold that Beckett could hear her teeth chattering.

"You okay?" Castle asked her.

His voice shattered her focus. "Castle, do you mind going outside?"

"What?"

"I can't do this if you're hovering. I can't concentrate."

He didn't look happy about it, but he put his hood back on and mumbled an "Okay," under his breath. "Fine."

She waited until the ramshackle door closed behind him, leaving her alone in the cabin, if one could even call it that. The interior was barely the size of a single room.

Beckett exhaled and walked around it, her cold fingers touching the walls as she walked, oblivious to all the splinters sticking out of the wooden slats.

 _I was here. This is where I was supposed to die._

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to still her racing thoughts.

Then she opened them again and willed her mind to remember.

 _Breathe. Concentrate. You were here._

 _What happened here before he left you to die?_

She slowly turned around and let her eyes soak in every inch of the eerie space.

Nothing.

One minute went by and then two and three and four.

Five.

She kept taking it all in. Feeling. Seeing. Touching. Every bit of it.

And still nothing.

Then suddenly her cellphone buzzed in the pocket of her jacket and it made her flinch.

Beckett pulled it out of the pocket of her jacket and saw another text. Another unknown number.

 _-You did terrible things._

And that's when she saw him. The man in a white mask coming at her in a fit of rage, holding an iron rod in his hand.

" _You're so fucking useless."_

He hit her hard with the rod, right below her shoulder blades, and she couldn't defend herself because her hands were tied together behind her back. So she fell to the ground, limp like a rag doll, chin first. During the impact her teeth cut the inside of her cheeks. She could taste the blood pooling inside her mouth.

Beckett gasped at the memory but she didn't try to block it. Even though she was starting to hyperventilate.

" _Stop! I'll do it."_

But the man didn't stop, the way he usually did. Somehow she remembered that too. But this time came at her again and whacked the rod into her back. It hit her spine and made her scream.

" _You're gonna die here, Kate."_

He came again and this time the rod struck the back of her head and the pain was so intense that she saw stars before fading to the brink of unconsciousness.

Beckett didn't realize that she was on her knees now, hands pressed to the cold, hard, ground, gasping for air. She hadn't noticed that Castle was back in the cabin either.

"Kate."

All she could think about was getting air into her lungs because it an impossible task right now.

"Kate!"

She felt his hands on her.

" _You're gonna die in here, Kate."_

She hit him as hard as she could, which didn't seem very hard at all, but he still fell backwards onto the ground.

Castle did. Not the man in the mask.

 _Oh no…no, no._

She blinked hard but her vision was fading. Maybe from the lack of oxygen or maybe because she didn't want to see the images anymore. Had she closed her eyes?

Castle got back up until he was kneeling right in front of her, so close she could feel his breath on her skin.

"Kate! Look at me!"

His hands cupped her face and he pulled her close, forcing her to look him. To focus.

"You're okay. You're safe."

She was still gasping for air, staring at him.

"You can breathe, yes you can." He nodded, steadying her, his voice slowly drowning out that other voice. "Don't force it. Let your lungs do it on their own."

She could see again. He was no longer a fuzzy mass.

"You're safe and you're okay."

He kept saying it. Like a mantra. Repeating the words over and over, but it wasn't so much the words as it was his voice, that finally slowed down her racing heart and got her lungs to cooperate.

Her limbs gave out when it was all over, when even kneeling was too much effort.

She could only see Castle now, mere inches away from her, looking at her with all the concern in the world, his hair wet and cool because the hood had slipped off.

The man in the mask was gone. Replaced by the man who so obviously still loved her.

Castle moved closer still and wrapped his arms around her, until her head was buried his chest, her cheeks pressed against the wet fabric of his jacket. He planted a kiss on her forehead and it sent a shiver up her arms. Made her want to tilt back her head in the hopes that his lips might seek something more. Something that might help her forget what she'd just seen.

But she didn't.

This was enough. It was exactly what she needed and judging from the way he held on to her, he needed it just as badly.

"I won't let anything happen to you again," Kate heard his voice, her anchor, whisper into her ear. "I swear I won't."

It wasn't true. She knew that. It wasn't up to him.

But she let herself believe it anyway.


	26. Chapter 26

**26**

 _Albany, NY_

She sat at a booth, next to the window, inside a diner on a main street that had clearly seen better economic times and clearly couldn't compete with the slew of chain restaurants she'd noticed on the outskirts of town. Kate could count on one hand the number of other patrons inside the diner and that was fine with her.

The last thing she craved was a noisy, bustling eatery full of people. It didn't even bother her that she spotted two elderly couples staring at her when they thought she wasn't looking. Maybe they recognized her face from the news. Finding a missing NYPD captain alive in Albany after she was presumed dead for six years had probably been reasonably big news at the time she was found.

Beckett ignored their stares and concentrated on the rain falling on the other side of the window instead. The skies were already much darker than they were an hour ago, back in the woods.

She barely heard Castle sliding into the bench across from hers after returning from the restroom.

"I ordered two cheeseburgers," he told her. "And fries. The guy behind the counter said their cheeseburgers are to die for."

Kate raised her brows. "Is that right? I don't remember telling you I wanted to eat."

"I thought it's late afternoon and we haven't had…"

"It's okay," she cut him off after seeing the guilt on his face. She needed to start making an effort gain some weight even if her stomach was still in knots after what happened at the cabin. She had to get her strength back. Physical and otherwise.

Castle put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. "Are you gonna tell me what happened back there?"

They'd barely said two words about it on the way here. At first, he'd been more concerned about getting her away from there and back into the warmth and dryness of the car and then he'd given her the space she needed to stop shaking before they made a beeline for the first place serving hot beverages.

Her hands were still wrapped around a ceramic coffee mug, grateful for its warmth more than its contents. She was too jittery for coffee anyway.

She'd come here hoping to remember something and that's exactly what had happened. She just didn't think it would all be so very vivid and so painful.

And futile.

What was the point of remembering if she couldn't identify her captor?

"Hey, Earth to Beckett…"

"I remembered some things," she told him. She might as well because he would pester her until she did. "Him hitting me."

His face looked as though she'd hit him.

" _Don't_ ," she tightened her lips angrily. "I can't do this if I'm trying to protect you."

He acknowledged her reprimand with a whispered "Okay." But he did it while curling his hands into two tight fists on the table.

"He kept hitting me and at one point he said I was useless."

"Useless?"

"It's like…I was supposed to do something for him and he was angry that I didn't do it. Or didn't do it right." She concentrated and suddenly remembered her response. "There was one time when I told him I'd do it."

"Then what?"

"Then he said I was gonna die here." Beckett pondered his words. "I think he meant it. He did leave me there to die. The guy with the dog finding me was a complete fluke."

"So he wanted to kill you without doing the deed?"

"Maybe."

"Did you remember anything distinct about him? Height? Voice? Clothing? Anything familiar or unusual?"

"No," Kate clutched her mug a little tighter. "Nothing that stands out. He's male. Or at least built like a male and his voice…it's definitely masculine. He was regular height, maybe 5'11. He was wearing jeans and a dark, green jacket and a mask. I couldn't see his face and I don't recognize his voice. It's not familiar. Nothing about him is."

"But you'd recognize his voice if you heard it again?"

"I-" It was a good question. "I don't know. It was muffled because of the mask."

"Anything else?"

"He sent me another text just as I started remembering."

"Text?" Castle gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean he sent you a text?"

Beckett reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out her phone and opened the screen to show Castle.

He frowned. "What does that mean, 'you did terrible things'? And what do you mean _another_ text?"

"He sent me one yesterday too, it basically said 'you don't want to remember'."

"You don't want to remember?"

"Who knows what it all means," Beckett replied with a shrug. "He's a psycho who's trying to spook me and I think he succeeded this afternoon at the cabin. Seeing the text at the same time as I started to remember. It did freak me out and it threw me for a loop. It's why I panicked."

"Why didn't you tell me that he's been texting you?"

"Why would I?" She shot him an annoyed look.

"Why? Because…" He bit his tongue.

"Because what? Because you're my ex-husband?" Beckett felt her cheeks flush in anger. Did he really think he could marry another woman and still expect her to come running to him with every new tidbit of information? "I told Javi. He ran the number and of course it was a burner. Untraceable. I'm sure today's texts came from a different burner."

Castle seemed more shook up about it than she was. "But how did he get your number? It's a brand-new phone, a brand-new number!"

"I don't know," she told him. "Ryan's looking into it."

"Are you getting a new number?"

"No. If this nutter wants to talk to me, let him. Let him trip himself up by sending me something that'll give him away. Let that bastard come to my doorstep so I can do to him what he did to me."

"What the hell, Kate?"

"Your cheeseburgers!" a chubby waiter wearing a chequered apron announced and Beckett made a mental note to leave him a good tip for hisimpeccable timing. "Best cheeseburgers this side of the Hudson."

He set the two burgers down and planted a giant plate of French fries in the middle of the table between them. Then he swiped a bottle of ketchup from the neighbouring table and offered it to them. "Ketchup?"

"Please," Beckett told him. She hadn't thought she was hungry but the smell of it all made her change her mind. Castle still knew her too well.

So they ate in silence and Beckett tried to ignore the occasional looks of disbelief she got from her ex-husband. He was angry that she hadn't shared the texts with him and frankly, Beckett couldn't care less.

 _You don't get to marry someone else and then make me feel bad for not treating you like my husband anymore._

It really was one of the best cheeseburgers she'd ever had, but even so she was so full after half of it, Beckett thought she might burst. Her stomach still couldn't handle a big meal. Or even a regular sized one.

Castle observed her but for once, he didn't say anything.

Beckett dipped some fries into a liberal amount of ketchup and if she wasn't still so chilled and so full, she'd have ordered a strawberry milkshake to go.

"I can't believe this guy's texting you," Castle was still shaken and still pouting.

"It's good," she told him, meaning it. Her earlier shakiness was fading and the food probably had something to do with it. "Means he's cocky. The cocky ones always mess up."

"The guy held you captive for six years."

"Thanks. I almost forgot."

Castle winced. "Sorry."

"I'm gonna make him pay for it. If it's the last thing I do."

"Do you have a death wish too?"

Anger rose up in her throat. "You have to stop this, Rick."

"Stop what?"

"Acting like you're still my husband. You don't get to do this anymore and I swear, this is the last time we're working on this together."

"Why won't you let me help you? I have the resour-"

"No," she cut him off. How could he be this dense? How was it possible that he didn't know how impossibly hard this was for her? Of course she wanted him by her side. She wanted to tell him about that video too, wanted his thoughts on it more than anyone else's.

"Why?"

"Why?" she looked at him incredulously. "You're asking me why? Because I love you, you idiot." She hated that she couldn't stop the tears that threatened to pool in her eyes. "Because when you hold me like you did at that cabin, it's not enough. I want to stay in your arms. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to go home with you and make love to you and pretend that I can live a normal life again. _I want you inside me_."

Judging from his stunned reaction, he hadn't expected her say that. Maybe that was too much honesty.

 _Screw it,_ she thought selfishly _._ They were overdue for some honesty.

And then looked at her with so much regret that it only compounded all the emotions she tried so hard to keep sealed away in a box whenever she was around him.

"That's why, Rick." She dabbed at the side of her eye, stopping the unwanted tear drop in its tracks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to hurt you. I never meant…"

"Why did you have to marry her?"

It was petty, but she suddenly needed to know. It stung so badly ever since she found out. Because she naively couldn't envision him walking down the aisle with anyone else ever again. "I get that you're not a monk. That six years is a long time but…"

"I'd have waited another six if I knew you were coming back," he cut her off, suddenly angered by _that_ assumption.

Her cheeks burned. "So why, then? Why did you have to remarry… _again?_ "

"I shouldn't have."

As much as her honesty had stunned him, she wasn't expecting that kind of frankness from him either. It left her at a loss of words. "Then why…why did you?"

"Hayley and I never talked about it. Marriage, kids, none of that was on our radar. She was just…she'd been by my side since you disappeared. She ran the PI agency. She and Alexis, they singlehandedly kept it from going under. She was my rock at a time when I wasn't exactly a great guy to be around. When we got together a lot of people thought I was using her to get over you and that hurt her. So Alexis suggested I do something to shut everyone up."

"You married her because Alexis thought it was the right thing to do? Really?"

"We both did."

Kate wiped away another determined tear, wondering if this would ever stop hurting. "I see."

Castle's blue eyes bore into her, giving her no respite. "I thought you were gone, Kate. _Gone_. My shrink told me that marriage would bring me and Lily one step closer to the closure we needed. I so badly wanted to believe him because for a while I thought I was going insane to keep believing you were still out there."

"I'm sorry," she slid out from the booth. "For how hard this was on you and Lily. I really am…and I want things to be…amicable between us for Lily. They need to be. But I can't do this. I can't be with you doing this, and pretending we're just friends. You've had six years to get over me, but whenever I'm around you all I remember is being your wife. And to me it feels like yesterday."

"I don't know if I can do this either, Kate. To know that you're back and not be allowed to be a part of your life." He swallowed and exhaled. "But if that's what you need… I'll try," he said softly. "Last thing I want is to hurt you."

Kate zipped up her jacket, needing to get outside and get some fresh air. Dreading the long drive back to Manhattan after this.

"But I do want you to know that I didn't just get over you, Kate. You disappeared. From one day to the next you were gone from my life. But I didn't stop loving you."

Kate hugged herself as she stepped away from him, giving up the fight as the tears fell. She also didn't bother to pretend that this latest confession didn't feel like another knife through her heart.

* * *

 _Richard Castle Private Investigations, NY_

Hayley was already there when he stepped into his PI office after the painfully silent drive home from Albany.

This whole day was determined to twist his insides into one giant knot.

"Hi," she greeted him.

Hayley wasn't sitting at his desk, her usual preferred hang-out. A place she'd long ago claimed as hers in all but name. And deservedly so. Instead, she was seated on the clients' couch outside in the waiting room, her long legs folded elegantly one over the other while she sipped on a take-out cup of what he assumed was Earl Grey tea. It was her usual pick-up beverage of choice in the late afternoon or early evening.

"I've been texting you," he told her, unsure of what he felt to see her back here. Relief. Or something else. "Must've left you a dozen messages."

"I know," she acknowledged. "I wasn't ready to get back to you."

"Now you are?"

His usually confident wife seemed strangely hesitant. Uncertain even. "I don't know."

"What you saw when you walked into the loft the other night it's not what you…"

"I came here because I need to ask you something, Rick," she cut him off.

"You need to ask me something?"

"Yes," she answered, the familiar confidence coming back into her voice. Hayley Shipton-Castle was not someone who beat around the bush. "But I also need you to promise to give me an honest answer. Can you do that?"

"Be honest with you? Yes…of course."

"Do you still love her?"

Castle hesitated, but only for an instant. It wasn't a hard question to answer. "Yes."

Hayley exhaled, as if bracing herself. "Are you still in love with her?"

"Hayley, this isn't…"

"You promised me honest answers. Are you _in_ love with her?"

Castle wanted to turn away. Didn't want to see her reaction, but he forced himself to meet her gaze. Forced himself to see how much he was going to hurt her. He owed her that much. "Yes."

Hayley got up slowly and carefully set down the half-finished cup of tea with shaky hands. "We don't really stand a chance then, do we?"

No. They didn't.

Deep down he'd known it since the day he first saw Kate at that hospital in Albany. And it was time to be honest, not only with himself, but with his wife. No matter how painfully hard it was.

The regret pooled in his gut and this time he did close his eyes. The guilt never seemed to end lately.

"I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

Her face was stoic and her emotions unreadable. He thought that maybe she would shove him. Or slap him. He didn't expect her to lean into him and kiss his cheek with a tenderness that he didn't deserve. "Me too, Rick."

"Hayley…"

"I'm going to the loft to clear out my things and then stay with Alexis for a while before I decide what to do. I need some time to do that before you come home tonight. Will you give me that time?"

"You don't have to…"

"Yes. Yes, I do." She said firmly, in spite of the tears falling down her cheeks. "We both know I do."

It was the last thing she said before she left.

Castle sank down into the sofa where she'd been sitting, the scent of her Earl Grey tea still lingering in that spot. Then he leaned over and cupped his head in his hands, gutted at what he'd done to her, this woman who'd given him so much and asked for so little in return. Who'd helped him through some of the darkest days of his life and had made him fall in love with her strength and brains and tenacity.

 _I'm so sorry. You deserved better than a man who never really gave you his entire heart._

He felt dizzy as the blood rushed to his head.

It made him wonder when his world would stop spiralling out of control.

* * *

 **A/N** : Firstly, thanks you to those still reading and stopping by to let me know! Like with any longer stories, this one included, I often hit a wall and sometimes want to table it altogether. But I think I've now outlined it to the end and it should be about 10 more chapters for those wondering and wanting to come along for the rest of the ride. Thanks also to my proof-reader WRTRD, for well, EVERYTHING! Lastly, I'm hitting the road next week so I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to update on Sunday. In other words thanks for your patience too. :)


	27. Chapter 27

**27**

 _Philadelphia. PA_

The temperatures had taken a nosedive last night and when Beckett stepped out of the unmarked car along with Esposito and the PPD detective, she realized it was time to get a real winter coat. The layers she was piling on weren't working anymore. The wind howled past her ears and chilled her hands to the bone only seconds after they got out.

"This is the corner store from the video," Detective Marshall told them, indicating the small, nondescript, run-down shop across the street from where they parked. "We showed the owner the video and he said he thinks he's seen Beckett before, but he's not a hundred percent sure."

They crossed the street and stepped inside, out of the biting wind.

"Is DeShawn around?" the Philly detective asked the guy behind the counter, after flashing his badge. That was the owner of the shop whom he'd spoken to.

"Nope. He had somethin' to take care of."

"I told him we'd stop by today. I asked him to be here." Detective Marshall wasn't impressed but the guy behind the counter didn't seem to care. He stared at Beckett as though he recognized her.

Kate noticed it and stepped up to the counter. "Do you know me?"

The man made a short hissing sound with his lips and then shook his head.

He was lying. She was certain of it. She'd seen through too many liars inside the interrogation rooms of the 12th not to know when she was standing right in front of one.

She turned to her companions. "Detective Marshall, Espo…do you mind if I talk with him alone for a sec?"

Esposito furrowed his brows. "I don't think that's…"

She gave him the kind of won't-take-no-for-an-answer looks she used to shoot his way back when she was still his boss. "Please?"

"Fine." Esposito gave Marshall a nod towards the shop door and both detectives stepped outside, leaving her alone with the middle-aged black man.

"I think you do know me," she told him as soon as they were out of earshot. She leaned on the counter with the palms of both hands, a power gesture she sometimes used at the precinct too, letting the interviewee know who's in charge.

"I don't talk to cops."

"I'm not a cop."

Anger made his nostril's flare. "You think I'm stupid? It's why you pigs get away with the shit you do. My brothers do that shit, their asses be behind bars."

Her heart started beating faster when suddenly the text flashed in front of her eyes.

 _-You did terrible things_

"What did I do? What are you talking about?"

Her peripheral vision caught another man walking into the store. A scrawny kid, early twenties maybe, wearing pants and a hoodie that were at least three sizes too big.

"I asked you a question," Beckett repeated. "What did I do? You can answer me here, just you and me, no cameras, no records…or I can have the two detectives outside drag you down to their station."

"Listen, lady." The man got up and leaned onto the counter as well. "I don't know what the hell kinda games you're playing now or what drugs you're high on this time but I aint talking here or anywhere else, you got that?"

 _What drugs you're high on this time?_

Beckett stared at his angry face and tried to regain the composure that was slowly slipping through her fingers. She took a step back and realized that she'd approached him the wrong way. She re-evaluated her strategy given his hate for cops and made a promise to herself that she'd get the truth out of him once they dragged him to an interrogation room.

She'd cracked way tougher nuts than this one.

She barely finished the thought when the scrawny kid who'd walked into the store a moment ago crossed her line of vision. His eyes met hers and widened in obvious recognition.

And rage.

He lunged at her so hard and fast, her brain barely had time to register what was happening, never mind react.

He probably meant to tackle her to the floor but his angle was off and he ended up shoving her into the shelves of groceries. Cans of kidney beans, ravioli, Campbell's soup and Spam flew across the shelves and onto the aisle and then suddenly the man's hands were on her throat while simultaneously trying to tackle her to the floor again.

This time he succeeded and they both toppled over, the weight of her body knocking him off balance too.

"Imma kill you, bitch!" she heard him yell while trying to insert her fingers underneath his that were still wrapped around her throat. But his grip was too tight and she was fast losing oxygen.

She turned sideways and saw a can of SpaghettiOs rolling down the aisle. Beckett grabbed a hold of it and used every bit of strength she had to bash it right into his skull.

The unexpected attack loosened his grip just enough that she could slide her fingers underneath his hands now and loosen them, giving her the chance to breathe again.

There was a good chance she'd have gained the upper hand on him after that, if Esposito and Marshall hadn't already come running and forcefully yanked her attacker away from her. They pulled him off her and had him flat on his stomach with a pair of handcuffs slapped on his wrists before Beckett even had a chance to sit up.

Esposito held out his hand to help her up once he was done with the assailant. "You okay?"

She was coughing too hard to answer but gave him a nod.

"What the hell was that about?" he questioned her with unmasked concern after she finally stopping coughing.

"I have no idea."

"Bitch tried to kill me last time I saw her!" The man on the floor yelled just as Detective Marshall yanked him up so he was standing next to him.

He had the audacity to try and lunge at Beckett once more but this time he didn't stand a chance. Both Marshall and Esposito stopped him from taking more than a single step in her direction. Marshall held him back and Esposito blocked Beckett before the guy even got close.

Marshall was a big guy and he had the scrawny young man in a containment grip that gave him neither leeway nor leverage. "Looks like you made friends while you were in our city, Captain Beckett."

"She's a fucking Captain? 'Course she is. Fucking corrupt like all of 'em."

"Don't make me shoot you, asshole," Esposito growled, as he pulled out his service weapon.

Kate leaned back into a shelf to give Esposito some space and when she did her elbow accidentally went right through a single-serving box of cereal.

Marshall was already dragging the man out of the store and into his unmarked cruiser.

Beckett knew that Esposito would've helped him if he thought the big detective needed it.

"Jesus, Kate. I leave you alone for what, one minute and you end up…"

Beckett raised her hand to shut him up. "Just don't, Espo."

A green, clover-shaped piece of cereal had stuck to her arm and her gesture made it fly right into Esposito's face. Kate cringed. "Sorry."

It eased the tension between them and Esposito suddenly grinned. "This is nuts. Ryan's gonna be so sorry he missed out on this one when I tell him about it."

They were almost out the door of the shop when the cashier yelled after them. "You gonna pay for the Lucky Charms or what?"

* * *

 _New York City, NY_

"Mother?"

Castle could see the door of the loft opening from his desk in the study. He jumped up to help his mother, who had two large duty-free bags in her hands. The doorman followed her with a trolley carrying three full-size suitcases.

Castle took the cases off the trolley and brought those in as well, while Martha took off her wool coat and set down her shopping bags, looking immaculately elegant in a pink two-piece suit. It was as though she'd just come back from an invigorating trip to Saks Fifth, rather than straight off a trans-Atlantic flight.

Castle gave her a hug as soon as he had the chance. "Welcome home, Mother. How many wineries did you conquer in Bordeaux?"

She kissed his cheek. "Oh Richard…I go away for two weeks and…" A sigh escaped her bright red lips. "Katherine is back? _Alive_? Alexis is pregnant? Hayley has left?"

When she put it like that, it all sounded surreal. Made him think that maybe it was a dream after all. One that he'd soon wake up from.

Not that he wanted to. Because in this mad world Kate was still alive.

It also made him realize why Alexis had insisted on driving her grandmother home from the airport, because obviously she'd wanted to share the news with her before anyone else let it slip.

"How are you holding up, kiddo?" she asked him.

"I'm okay."

"Don't lie to me." She rebuked him gently. "I know you. All this must be doing a number on you."

"Come on," he guided her to the sofa. "You must be exhausted after your flight."

"Richard," she let him lead her to the sofa but she wasn't letting him change the topic. "Talk to me, would you? Because knowing you, knowing what's happened…you've been considering everyone else but yourself these last two weeks."

He sat down next to her and gave her a wry smile. He hadn't even realized how much he needed to talk to someone about it all. Someone who wasn't on one side or the other.

"I don't know what to tell you," he said. "It's been a rollercoaster. Incredible. Insane. Overwhelming."

"And at the end of it all, how do you feel?"

Castle looked at her. It was an unexpected question. What emotion hadn't he felt in the last few weeks? He'd run the gamut of every one. When it came down to it which one had trumped them all?

"Happy."

Martha's lips quirked into an amused, knowing smile. "Your wife just left you and you're happy."

Castle winced. It sounded so wrong when she said it like that, and it brought back the guilt that had accompanied him since Beckett's return. "Sounds terrible, doesn't it?"

One of her bony hands moved to cup his. "No, it doesn't, kiddo. It's honest and you need to be honest, with yourself and also with your mother."

"Hayley helped me pick up the pieces. She was there for me every step of the way. She ran the PI agency when I couldn't, she single-handedly kept it afloat, she's been an incredible friend to Alexis…she loved me when I didn't have much love to give to anyone. Not even my daughters. I do love her…truly and genuinely but…" The words got caught in his throat as the shame hit him.

"She's not Kate." His mother finished for him. "She's not the love of your life."

"No," he agreed quietly. "She's not."

"You were with her _because_ Kate was gone."

"Since she's been back, there are days when it still blows me away. I keep staring at her like a fool. Because there are a million little things that I used to take for granted and now I want to soak them in. Commit them to memory in case I lose her again. Little things, like the way her eyes always betray her emotions, how expressive her hands are when she's talking about something she's passionate about, how irritated she gets when I derail her plans, the way her tongue rolls over certain words, how my skin starts to burn because I want to touch her so badly. It's stupid…because I have no right. She's not the same, and _everything_ has changed…but at the same time she's still Kate. I look at her and I see Lily's mother. I see my _wife_."

"Oh, Richard," Martha squeezed his hand. "Listen to me. We only get one lifetime on this planet and it always ends so much sooner than we think. We get one chance to leave this place a little better than we found it, and one chance to hold on to the things that make us happy. Aside from your daughters, Katherine has made you happier than anyone else I've ever seen you with, since that very first time that she flashed her badge at you at that silly book party."

Castle grinned at the memory. It was a lifetime ago, when he too was a different man.

"What I'm trying to tell you; don't apologize and don't feel guilty for loving her."

"I've hurt my wife and Alexis."

"You can't stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them."

"I know."

"It stings now but in the long run you did the right thing, kiddo. Now all you have to do is bring Katherine back home."

"It's not that easy," Castle rubbed his forehead to stave off the headache bubbling underneath, reminding him that he probably should've stopped after the second glass of scotch last night. "I can't run back to Kate and say, 'Hey honey, sorry 'bout that marriage mess but now I've left my latest wife and I'm ready to take you back.' Of all the people I've hurt these past few weeks, I have no doubts that Kate is the person I've hurt the most. When she first woke up in the hospital, she assumed we were still married. You should have seen her face when I told her…"

"Oh, darling," Martha narrowed her brows in displeasure. "Stop punishing yourself, will you? You searched for her for four years and then you went on with your life, just as you would have wanted Kate to do if the tables were turned."

"Yes." He agreed. He wouldn't have wanted her to fall back down into the rabbit hole searching a whole lifetime for him. Never.

"Surely she understands that."

"She does. But it's not that simple. Understanding isn't the same as forgiving."

"Tell me something, Richard. When she woke up in the hospital and assumed you were still married…was she happy about that?"

Castle raised his brows. Happy? "I…I guess."

Martha gave him a stern look. "You guess? For a writer you'd think you'd have a better grasp of subtext. I'm asking you if she still loves you."

"Yes." He didn't have to hesitate this time. Even before her admission in Albany, Rick had seen it in every look and every gesture. All these years later, she still loved him as much as he loved her. That was a miracle too, almost as much so as her return.

"Well, then." Martha gave him a pleased smile. "You already won half your battle, and you're still holding the biggest trump card of them all."

"Trump card?"

"Lily."

"Ah. It seems like blackmail to hold Lily over her head, don't you think?"

Martha rolled her eyes. "All is fair in love and war."

Castle smirked.

"Give her the time and space she needs," Martha added. "But then do whatever it takes to bring her home. That girl needs her family more than ever."

She leaned in to give him a hug that he didn't realize he needed, and then Martha pushed herself off the couch. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment in an hour."

"Aren't you tired after your flight?"

But she was already sauntering across the room, one arm in the air, dismissing the thought. As though he should have known that she'd flown first class and slept in the air. "I'll sleep when I'm dead. By the way, when I said give her time and space, I don't mean the kind of time you gave her when you first courted that poor girl and danced around her for half a decade. Do remember that you kids are not in your twenties or even your thirties anymore."

Castle watched her go, feeling lighter for the first time in weeks.

* * *

 _Philadelphia, PA_

In spite of much cajoling from Esposito, the PPD detective didn't want her in the interrogation room, so Beckett had gone straight to the Captain's office and reminded him he'd once called her at the 12th when he needed a favour in Manhattan.

So here she was, seated across from the kid who'd tried to kill her in a corner store aisle less than an hour ago.

He'd asked for a lawyer and he got one in the form of a woman seated next to him, who couldn't have been much older than twenty-five. Both of them sat across the metal table, facing her, Esposito and Detective Marshall.

Beckett initially focused on the young man, but now her attention was on the public defender, who looked as though she'd just stepped out of law school before coming here today.

"You…you still haven't said whether you're charging my client," the woman mumbled. "Because if you're not…"

"What do you think?" Esposito cut in. "He attacked Captain Beckett unprovoked in the cereal aisle and then tried to strangle her. Hell yes, we're charging him with assault. Whether we add attempted murder depends on what your buddy has to say right now."

"Unprovoked? Bitch almost killed me last time I saw her!"

The lawyer blanched and Beckett bit back a moment of amusement when the young woman tried to shut up her client in vain.

"Tell me what you mean by that," Beckett prompted as she leaned in towards her assailant.

The man shook his head incredulously. "That's how s'gonna be is it? Now you pigs pretend you have fucking amnesia when you try to kill a brother?"

"Watch your mouth," Esposito shot back. "She asked you a question."

"I got witnesses," the young man started but then he slumped back in his seat. The lawyer had already given up trying to muzzle him. "'Course that don't matter, does it? I could have a video of you shootin' me in the back when I'm sleepin' and you'd still walk. S'how it is."

"Listen, asshole," Beckett told him, one hand absentmindedly rubbing the fresh bruise on her neck. "I'm just about out of patience. You're the one who jumped _me_ in a grocery aisle and then tried to strangle me for good measure. You also have a list of priors that are even longer than the oversized pants falling off your ass. Either be straight with me and tell me what I supposedly did to you or, like Sergeant Esposito said, we'll slap on an attempted murder charge and you can kiss the next 20 years good-bye. Is all this cocky bullshit really worth it?"

The young man's rage suddenly quieted and his gaze narrowed in on hers. "You really need a reminder of what you did to me?"

Beckett met his dark eyes, suddenly feeling chilled even though the room was well heated. "Yeah, I do."

In one quick movement the young man got up and slipped his unhandcuffed hands underneath his bulky hoodie, tossing it to the ground, where it landed beside the feet of the startled lawyer.

"This is what you did to me, bitch," he hissed, displaying a horribly scarred bare torso. Endless knife wounds criss-crossed his chest, turning it into a macabre display of ugly, mottled flesh. Some it had healed but much of it still looked as though it could use additional medical attention.

Beckett's eyes widened in shock but she couldn't turn away, fixated by the countless scars even as they made her increasingly nauseous.

"You stabbed me thirteen times and then left me for dead. That's what you did to me."


	28. Chapter 28

**28**

 _Philadelphia, PA_

"She was high," the young man told Javier Esposito, admitting at least that much. "Crazy high on some bad shit."

"So she attacked you in a drug-fuelled rage?"

"Somethin' like that."

"So why didn't you run? Young, fit guy like you. I see some junkie coming at me, I'll hightail it away faster than they can run."

"She already stabbed me twice by the time I knew what was happenin'."

"You were stoned too." Esposito told him.

"So fuckin' what?" The man glared at him and his young defender cringed. His rage had ebbed after Esposito insisted that Beckett leave the interrogation room but now he'd tapped into it again. "S'that a reason to stab a guy thirteen times, 'cause he was chillin' under a bridge havin' a joint?"

"So you just let her at you? A woman who's at least thirty pounds lighter than you. You just rolled over and let her stab you? You want me to believe that?"

"Bitch was so high she didn't blink, and she knew how to fight. Now I know why, 'cause she's trained. She's one of you."

Detective Marshall sat next to him but he let Esposito take the reins, barely saying a word as Javier pressed the guy for more info. If whoever was holding Beckett had drugged her out of her mind and then set her loose on this guy, he had to have been nearby. Watching it all unfold.

But if Beckett's captor had been around during the attack, this guy was no help in letting them know.

"I was too busy tryin' to stay alive, you know?"

When the interrogation ended he released the guy, after coming to an agreement.

If he wasn't going to press charges for what Beckett supposedly did to him, then she wouldn't either. He suddenly told his lawyer that he wasn't entirely, definitely, one-hundred-percent sure that it _was_ Beckett who'd stabbed him.

Esposito didn't like any of it but he was willing to respect his former boss's decision.

He thanked Marshall, who was the one stuck doing the awkward paperwork that it entailed, and saw Beckett sitting on a bench outside the interrogation room.

Their suspect threw a few more expletives in Beckett's direction when he walked past her.

"Get outta here before I change my mind!" Esposito yelled after him before sitting down next to Beckett.

"Did you get anything out of him?"

"Useful you mean?" Esposito shook his head with a frown. "Nah. Still think we should charge his ass. A guy who attacks random strangers shouldn't be walkin' the streets of Philly."

"You expect me to press charges after what I did to him?"

"After what he _said_ you did to him. Guy was clearly stoned out of his mind when it all happened. He could've been attacked by the Queen of England for all we know." Esposito still wasn't convinced any of it was true.

"He said there was a witness…"

"Yeah, some other dealer we gotta track down now. That's our next step. See if there's anyone who'll corroborate this story. Right now it's your word against his and there's no way a court of law will take his side against an NYPD captain, amnesia or not."

"I should stay here," Beckett mumbled running a hand through her hair. It wasn't as wild as it was when they'd first found her, but she still needed a hair cut. "'Til we find the witness."

Esposito made a face. _That_ was the last thing she needed. Pacing around in a hotel room in Philly or breathing down Detective's Marshall's neck. "Didn't you tell me Lily has a swim meet tomorrow?"

The reminder spread a conflicted look on her face. She was several notches paler too, greener really, than when they'd entered the precinct, making Esposito wonder whether she'd thrown up after the guy had bared his chest in the interrogation room. She did make a beeline for the bathroom after Esposito had escorted her out of the room.

She was pacing in front of him now. "I'm just supposed to go back to New York and pretend today didn't happen? That I didn't try to kill a guy?"

"Whoa…" Esposito looked at her incredulously. "He _said_ you tried to kill him. Doesn't mean you did. I dunno about you, but the lady I used to work for didn't believe every crapshoot story that came from desperate felons. She was great at detecting bullshit and even better at meticulously gathering solid proof before jumping to conclusions."

Beckett bit her lip, still pacing. "Why would he accuse me of that, Espo? What's in it for him?"

"Oh, I dunno, compensation? Fame?"

"Fame?"

"Your story's been all over the news since you did that press conference," he reminded her. "Who's to say he isn't some freak who wants his fifteen minutes?"

"He couldn't have known that there's streetcam footage of me in his hood, could he?"

"He shouldn't've," Esposito admitted. "Doesn't mean there wasn't some way he found out."

"There's video footage of me walking around exactly where this guy says I attacked him and I keep getting messages telling me I did horrible things. Maybe, maybe it isn't the guy who took me who's been sending me these messages, maybe it's someone I've hurt and…"

Her pacing was driving him crazy. So was the fact that she was a tightly wound coil of pure adrenaline and anxiety. Ready to self combust any second.

Esposito had a sudden need to remind her that she was used to be one of the most level-headed cops he'd ever known. Besides, he cared about her deeply, and he was getting worried.

"Kate!" He got up and stopped her dead in her tracks. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"Pacing. Speculating. Taking street thugs at face value. All of it, it's making me mental."

She stared at him, wide-eyed and then slumped her shoulders. "You know what's driving me crazy? Not being able to remember what I did the last six years."

Even though she'd stopped pacing, Beckett still gave off an electric energy, like a live wire bouncing all over the place. "Whatever you did, I know you didn't willingly hang out in south Philly killing people."

She grabbed his arm. " _How_ do you know?"

"Look at you," Esposito let her hang on to him, hoping it might ground her. "The thought of you doing any of this is literally making you sick."

"What do you mean?"

"You're not a killer, Kate. Not even close. I don't care how many drugs that bastard gave you, there's no way."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Kate," Esposito wasn't exactly Castle when it came to calming her down. But he was good at it. He'd once been the only who could rein her in during a sniper case, when her PTSD had sent her on a sharp, downward spiral, and of course she'd been unwilling to admit it.

The two of them came from different backgrounds but they were cut from the same cloth. Partners in arms. "You're the cop that always broke the news to the family. Not me. Not Ryan. You _always_ did it, even when you coulda pawned it off on us, even when you knew it was gonna break your heart…you always cared, more than most guys carrying badges. A cop like that doesn't become a killer just 'cause some psycho drugged and kidnapped her."

Beckett was quiet now, looking like she wanted to believe him.

"I'd bet my pension on it," he added.

The tension in her face eased. "Would _really_ suck if you lost that bet."

"I won't. Safe bet."

She let go of him and sat down on the bare wooden bench outside the interrogation room, her tall, wiry body collapsing into itself. Exhausted. "I feel like I'm watching a movie sometimes, Jav. A spectator in my own life, wondering what's gonna happen next."

"I'll tell you what's gonna happen next. You're gonna come back to the city with me," he told her sitting down next to her. "Then we're gonna have a beer and get you an actual winter coat, while we talk about our next steps. Then tomorrow you're gonna go to a swim meet and watch your kid kick butt."

Beckett exhaled and then a lop-sided smile. "Sounds like a boring movie."

"So lame I'd want my money back."

He grinned when she rolled her eyes and whacked his arm, partly because he'd seen it coming.

Mostly because he was pleased that he still had the ability to talk her off the ledge.

* * *

 _Later_

Beckett let him do it. She let him take her back to the city and call up Ryan so that all three of them could grab a beer in a grimy, badly-lit pub on a side street in Queens, while both men reminded her that just because she'd lost six years of her memory didn't mean she wasn't still Kate Beckett.

She wanted to know more about their lives because she missed so much. Kevin's youngest had still been in kindergarten when she disappeared, and he was almost a teenager now. Jenny, meanwhile, had not only gone back to work but was running her own flower shop!

Javier was still single, and that didn't really surprise Kate. Commitment didn't see seem to be in his blood, even if part of her still wished that he and Lanie would find their way back together. But he did have had a godson now. He'd shown her a photo. An adorable two-year old with giant cheeks. He was the son of a man who once went by the street name Monster, whom Beckett had once interrogated in her detective days. He'd been a person of interest in the murder of a young, female DJ. Esposito had taken him under his wing ever since.

An hour of reminiscing later, she pestered them for strategy too. Because that's what the Kate Beckett she did remember would do. She yearned to do actual police work with them again, not in discussion at a pub over beers, but an actual investigation from the precinct, with all its inherent resources, along with a title and a badge of her own.

Truth was, she was itching to get back to work. If they were right and she really was still the same woman they remembered, then she needed to be a cop again too. It was a big part of who she was. She needed to work and she needed a place to live. She couldn't hole up in Lanie's guest bedroom forever.

"Once I get the okay from PPD, we'll go back to Philly. Do some serious canvassing in that hood. If people remember you there, someone will remember the guy who took you. He had to have been close."

"I wanna come too," Ryan added. "I asked Yamato to pull me off the case I'm on."

Beckett grabbed a French fry off Javier's plate and dipped it into a liberal amount of ketchup before popping it into her mouth. "What case?"

She saw Ryan hesitate a moment before telling her about it.

"We think it's a serial," he told her. "Four illegals, brutalized, cut up, killed, and dumped like garbage."

"All girls," Javier added. "Barely older than teenagers."

"Worst thing is, they have no papers, no one reports them missing. Last body we found was about a month into decomposition in an abandoned factory. Forensics is combing through it now."

Beckett winced. "Stay on the case then," she told Kevin. "It's a helluva lot more important. Let me investigate my own disappearance."

"Without a badge?" Esposito questioned. "Or even a driver's license?"

"I'm workin' on that," Beckett countered with a growl. She was due to retake her written test next week.

"We aren't the only good cops on this case," Ryan added. "Besides, asking Yamato doesn't mean he'll give me the okay. But you're one of us, Beckett, and we still haven't found this guy. That's gotta count for something."

"I can handle this my-"

"Don't start that, 'I can take care of myself' bullshit," Javier cut her off. "You're not alone in this. We're gonna figure this out together and we're gonna do it the right way. Got that?"

"Hear, hear," Ryan agreed, raising his glass of Guinness in one last toast of the evening.

* * *

 _Culver Springs Collegiate, NY_

 _Next day_

"Why don't you hop out with Lily while I find a place to park?" Castle suggested after driving up to the secondary school where Lily was having her swim meet. "Lily knows where she's going, right, Lil?"

"Yup." Her daughter nodded, her pony-tail bobbing up and down as she did. It was pouring outside, a bone-chilling, freezing rain that pelted against the car window, so Beckett wasn't going to protest. She hoped Castle had an umbrella in the car for himself.

Lily had been sitting next to her in the back of the car for the twenty-minute drive here and she'd been bubbly and chatty, eager to talk about her day at school. She was so different from the quiet, withdrawn girl that Beckett had dinner with a few days ago. At first, she wondered what caused the change and thought to ask Castle about it later, but then she scratched the idea and decided to just enjoy it.

She was even more surprised when Lily grabbed a duffel bag and took her hand as soon as they stepped out of the car.

"Come on, Mom. We have to run or else we'll get soaked."

"See you inside!" she heard Castle shout just as the car door shut behind her and he sped off in the rain.

Lily held onto her hand as they raced into the building together.

Splashes ran down her daughter's face once they were inside, but Lily was oblivious to it. "You're fast!"

Beckett grinned. "I'll race you anytime."

Lily cocked her head to the staircase ahead of them, still holding on to her hand. "Wanna meet my coach?"

"Yes, I'd love to."

She followed Lily down the stairs towards the sign that said "Gym and Pool" and saw a bunch of other girls in the hallway that her daughter obviously knew given their exchange of hugs and greetings. Lily introduced her to two of them and Beckett made sure to remember their names and faces, wanting to soak up every aspect of her daughter's life.

Then she saw a bulky man dressed in sweat pants and a hoodie, walking down the hallway, a man whom she would never in a million years have pictured as a swim coach, if Lily hadn't introduced him as such.

"This is Neek, Mom. My coach."

Beckett held out her hand. He had so much hair on his head, it was almost comical. A massive unruly beard that jutted straight out of chin as though it wanted to escape his face. Thick, dark locks on his head that almost touched his shoulders. Even the hand that shook hers with an athlete's strength was hairy, she noticed with a quick glance.

It was the opposite of what she expected of a swimmer. Beckett had envisioned long, sleek, thin and excessively shaved bodies that did everything they could to maximize smooth passage through water.

She blinked herself out of her surprise. _This isn't the Olympics_. It was grade-school sports and maybe the guy wasn't even much of a swimmer himself.

"Nikolai," he said in a thick Russian accent. "Eees so nice to meet you, Captain Beckett."

It made her realize where he got his nickname. Neek. Probably the kids mocking his own pronunciation of his name. "It's Kate," she told him. "Pleasure is all mine. Lily raved about you on the way here."

"She is best swimmer on team," he told he matter-of-factly. "Maybe you convince her Dad to let me take Lily to Eastern to train."

"Neek says I should train with this high school team in New Jersey," Lily explained. "They're the state champions, but Dad won't let me. Maybe you can talk him into it!"

Kate's eyes widened, not ready to get involved in whatever this was about. "I, uh…I'm sure your Dad has his reasons."

But Lily has already spotted a team mate in the hallway and had dashed off to her. "Mom, I'm gonna get changed!"

She didn't wait for an answer or permission as she took off for the locker room with her friend.

"Lily is very, very good swimmer," Nikolai went on. "She could be _great_ swimmer."

Beckett didn't know what to say. "I see."

"Neekolai!" Beckett heard another mother hollering as she skittered over to the Russian coach. "Sandy is ready for her laps."

The coach gave Beckett's hand another fierce squeeze. "It ees honour to have you here, Captain. I make sure we win," he said before letting go of her hand and following the other girl's mother down to the pool area.

 _I don't care about Lily winning,_ she wanted to tell him, amidst the flurry of activity of other parents dropping off their kids. Dozens of teens and pre-teens chatted in the hallway, some of them already in their swimsuits, others with duffel bags similar to Lily's slung over their shoulders. Some of them chatting with a group of friends. Others on their own with giant headphones covering their ears, and cellphones in their hands.

Beckett stared at everything, soaking it all in.

She'd left behind a toddler who was just starting to string sentences together and now she'd come back to an athletic pre-teen who inhabited a world that was completely and utterly foreign to her.

It constricted her chest and made it hard to breathe, every time she allowed herself to think of _everything_ she'd missed. All the countless moments and milestones that she'd never get back. Ever.

Lily's first time riding a bike. Lily's first day at school. Lily learning to read and write.

Beckett moved a clenched fist to her heart, to the spot where her first bullet scar resided. The spot that still throbbed in moments like this.

 _Stop it,_ she scolded herself. _Don't go there._

She wouldn't, _couldn't,_ think of it, or else she'd drive herself mad. Kate exhaled and made her way through the hallway to the pool area. A couple of mothers looked at her as she walked by and she wondered if they'd seen her on the news. Wondered too, how often Lily's friends had asked her why she didn't have a mother.

 _Stop._

Beckett forced the thoughts from her mind and found her way to the pool area. She was early so there was a lot of empty spectator space in the bleachers. She grabbed a spot on the second row and waited nervously.

Lily came out from the change room not long after, wearing a sleek black swim suit. She waved to her before she did a few stretches beside a smaller pool located next to the lap pool where the races would take place. Then she dove into the smaller pool without hesitation, as though being in the water was the most natural thing in the world.

Kate stared at her for a while, mesmerized, as her daughter did a variety of swim strokes to warm up for the race. She made them all look so easy, as though a perfect backstroke weren't so different from a simple walk across a room.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from Lily and didn't even notice that Castle was now sitting down next to her.

"Here," he handed her a cup of coffee, startling her. No, not coffee, she realized as the scent from the cup hit her nostrils. Vanilla latte.

"Thanks." She didn't remember seeing a single coffee shop near the school. Had he gone back somewhere to get this before parking the car? Is that why he'd taken so long?

She turned to look at him and saw his eyes light up. "She's good, isn't she?"

Beckett wrapped her fingers around the cup, its warmth spreading through all her limbs. "Amazing. She's amazing, Rick."

"This athletic thing, she's definitely got that from your side of the family."

She took a sip of her latte. It was warm and delicious. "I met her coach."

"Neeeeek?" Castle said with a chuckle, exaggerating the man's nickname. "He's quite the character. He's been here for less than a year and he's already caused quite the stir. Apparently, he used to be some Russian state coach. Every parent on the swim team wants to set up private lessons with him for their kid 'cause Neek only coaches once a week on Mondays."

"Every parent except you?" Kate took her eyes off Lily and turned to him.

"Ah…" Castle's long fingers toyed with the cover of his coffee cup. "What'd he tell you?"

Kate shrugged. "Not much. Something about wanting to train Lily at some other school."

"He wants her to train with high schoolers, kids that are five, six years older than her. He also wants her to spend all of Saturday training."

Kate noticed frown on his face. "You don't approve?"

"I want her to be a kid, Kate," he said softly. "That's all. She's had too much of her childhood taken from her because…" He swallowed. "She already spends three nights a week at the pool and competes against kids that are at least two years older. I think that's enough."

Kate nodded, not entirely disagreeing, and certainly not about to question his parenting choices a mere two weeks after coming back into their lives. "How about Lily? What does she want?"

"She wants to go for it, of course," Rick told her. "She's a nine-year old you. She wants to go for everything. Except for dentist appointments and making her bed."

Kate scrunched her lips up into a smile.

"After she ran off into the city by herself, I got overprotective," he admitted. "I was terrified of losing her."

Her smile faded. "Rick…"

"I'm working on it, Kate. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to let her train for the Olympics yet."

She nodded. "Fair enough."

A voice came on over the loudspeaker, announcing the first race.

"There are four heats, four teams each." Castle explained over the din of voices in the building. The spectator seats had filled up and there were barely any empty spaces. "The winning team of each one goes into the final race. If Lily's team wins their heat, we'll be here a couple of hours. Lily's team is in the second heat. If they don't make it to the final race, she might want to stay and watch her friends race, or sometimes we head home after or we go for a hot chocolate in the city. Of course you're invited."

Kate smiled, still thrilled that she was here at all. Like a normal mom, watching her daughter compete in a sporting event. "Whatever you decide, I'm in."

"Good," he ginned back at her, setting down his cup of coffee. "Excuse me. Need a bathroom stop before Lily's team races. Save my seat."

Kate's eyes roamed back to her daughter, who was getting ready for her upcoming race. She'd tucked her long pony-tail into a swim cap and put on a pair of goggles, as she shook out her legs to get rid of her nervous energy. It was contagious, Beckett thought, because as the race approached she felt plenty of nervous energy of her own. Is this what it was like? Watching your child compete?

Her cellphone buzzed in the pocket of her jacket and it almost made Kate jump off the bleachers. She slipped her hand into the pocket and pulled it out, almost dropping it when she saw that it was another text message.

From him.

- _Don't ask yourself whether you've killed. Ask yourself how many._

Beckett clutched the phone in a death grip. _Not now, you asshole. Not now._

Her shaky fingers struggled to turn off the phone, just as another message came through.

 _-You killed with your bare hands_

She missed most of the first race by the time she was finally able to turn off the phone, stopping just short of throwing it into the pool.

And when Castle got back to his seat, she nearly jumped out of her seat a second time in less than a few minutes.

"You okay?"

 _No._

"Yeah. Fine." She took in a gulp of air and even managed a smile.

"Sure?"

"Yes."

He was still looking at her, his observant eyes never missing anything. But deciding to let it go. "Okay."

Lily's team won their heat, and when they did Beckett did jump out of her seat this time, for the best possible reason. Her daughter was the last swimmer and she'd clinched the win, increasing a narrow lead her team already had to an insurmountable one.

"Wow! Did you see that?" she leaned over to Castle in disbelief after clapping and cheering so loud and long that she it earned her a dirty look from the woman in front of them.

"Lily's always the anchor when they do relays," Castle told her. He'd been clapping and yelling just as loud. "Because she's the fastest."

 _My girl,_ she thought with pride.

The wait for the finals seemed interminable and Kate was ready to start pacing. Castle, on the other hand, went to get snacks. _("There's some bake sale outside, what do you want?" "Nothing." "Fine, I'm picking for you."_ )

And now that the swimmers took to the podium for the final race, it took all of her willpower not to grab Castle's hand and squeeze the hell out of it, because this was torture. How did he do this once a week?

"This one's tough," Castle told her. "The second team's the favourite by far."

As if he needed to tell her that. As if she hadn't already memorized the race times of every winning team and didn't already know that two of the other teams had far better finish times than Lily's did.

Beckett was on her feet when the starting gun went off. "Come _on_!"

The two favourites jumped to an early lead and by the time the third swimmers jumped into the water, Lily's team was firmly in fourth place. It made her heart sink, but it didn't stop her from cheering even louder by the time Lily finally torpedoed into the water.

"Come on, Lily!"

Beside her Castle was woohoo-ing towards the pool.

Her daughter had no chance, really. Only one of the other swimmers even seemed in reach, given the amount of distance left to cover. The swimmer in first place was less than half a lap from the finish.

"Holy shit," her hand went over her mouth.

Kate watched in disbelief as Lily overtook the third swimmer.

And then the second.

If only the first team's lead wasn't quite so huge and if only there was a bit more distance left to race, she would have overtaken the lead swimmer too. Kate was certain of it. But as it was, Lily had already taken her team from dead last and moved them into second place.

Kate was ready to cry. She wanted to run down to the pool and tell Lily how amazing that was.

But none of the other parents were rushing to pool side, so she mustered the restraint to stay in the bleachers. "That was incredible," she told Castle.

"She almost caught up, didn't she?' Castle pointed out with a grin.

Lily waved at them and again it took all her willpower not to rush down to her and embarrass her daughter in front of all her team mates.

"It'll take her about twenty minutes to get changed," Castle told her. "I'll ask her if she wants to head home or do anything else. Are you free to join us for the rest of the day?"

"Yeah," Kate nodded with what was probably too much enthusiasm, but she wanted to stay with them both. Wanted to keep her phone turned off and not think about that text.

"Good."

When her daughter did finally come out of the locker room more than half an hour later, Beckett finally got to give her the hug she'd been holding. "You were amazing!"

Lily's face lit up. "Thanks."

"Wanna go home and order some take-out or how about a hot chocolate at Jacques Torres?"

"Can we do both?" Lily asked. "We can get a hot chocolate and then go home and have dinner with Gram?" Lily looked up at Kate. "Are you going to come with us?"

"I'll definitely join you for hot chocolate." Much as she wanted to spend more time her daughter, dinner at the loft wasn't an option. Not after the fiasco of the last one.

"But not dinner?" Lily didn't hide her disappointment at all. "Grandma said she really wants to see you."

She wanted to see Martha too, Beckett thought. Castle's mother had become like a mother to her over the years, especially during her pregnancy. She loved Martha Rogers dearly.

But Hayley would undoubtedly be there too.

"I'm sorry. I can't." she told Lily.

"It's okay."

 _No, it's not. I'm sorry._

Lily spotted one of her teammates and left them to say bye to her.

"You _are_ welcome to join us for dinner," Castle told her after Lily was out of earshot.

She looked at him incredulously. "You know I can't. Not after what happened last time. I'm not actively trying to ruin your marriage, Rick."

"Kate, you're not ruining anything."

"Castle…"

"She's gone," he said, his voice so low that she barely heard him.

" _What?"_

"Hayley. She isn't living at the loft anymore. We've separated."


	29. Chapter 29

**29**

 _Castle residence, NY_

They did go out for hot chocolate to Jacques Torres after the swim meet, walking to the one near Houston and Lafayette once the car was parked at the loft.

Lily and Kate each had a big cup of it, with whipped cream on top, and Castle had two scoops of chocolate ice cream, before they all took a long route back to the loft to walk off the thousand or so calories. Browsing in several stores on the way and grabbing some groceries.

Beckett hadn't planned to join them for Thai take-out afterwards but both Castle and Lily had twisted her arm.

" _Come on, Mom. Don't you like pad thai?"_

" _I told mother you were coming. She's so looking forward to seeing you."_

It hadn't taken that much twisting.

She'd let them bring her up to the loft and although she was ready to see Martha Rogers, she hadn't been prepared for all the emotions that took over once Castle's mother embraced her and told her how much she missed her. How sorry she was for her father's loss.

Kate hadn't expected to start crying. Or to miss her own parents as badly as she did in that moment when Martha engulfed her in a hug.

She'd composed herself of course, enough to spend nearly an hour reminiscing and catching up with the woman who she loved like a second mother. The lines on Martha's face might have deepened a little and maybe her back was no longer as ramrod straight as it used to be when she flitted across the room, but she was still the same vibrant, quick-witted person that Beckett remembered so well.

They were still when the Thai take-out arrived. Khao soi noodles. Green curry chicken. Pad thai. A generous helping of mango salad.

It had fascinated Kate to see Lily digging into it all, as though she'd grown up eating spicy curries and flavourful rice noodles, when in her memory she'd been a fussy toddler who'd scrunched up her lips at half of the healthy, organic fare she used to try and feed her.

Nine-year-old Lily seemed to enjoy a myriad of flavours and textures, and it made Kate smile.

Afterwards, Kate didn't resist when Lily pulled her over to the couch because her favourite show was on TV.

It was about a teenage girl who worked as a private eye after school. The overly precocious kid wore too much make up and had some preposterous investigative methods that made Beckett want to roll her eyes, but Lily was so engrossed in it all that it was hard not to get caught up in her enthusiasm. She mostly watched her daughter's face, instead of the screen in front of them.

Meanwhile, her body happily settled into the soft, familiar cushions of the sofa and they made it hard to keep her eyes open.

It had turned into an amazing day and Kate wanted to store away every moment, because she didn't want to risk forgetting a thing. Going to a swim meet. Having hot chocolate with her daughter on a weekend afternoon. Eating take-out and watching cheesy Nickelodeon shows. Seeing the beautiful way her daughter interacted with her grandmother, both of whom obviously adored each other.

From afar, it might've looked routine. The kind of uneventful Saturdays that normal families had all the time. But everything about it was extraordinary to her.

Castle's voice echoed in her head every now and then too. _"She isn't living at the loft anymore. We've separated."_

He hadn't elaborated since breaking that news to her at the swim meet and Beckett wasn't sure she wanted to know.

She yawned as the TV private-eye-teen picked a lock in order to access a principal's office and Lily marvelled at her skills.

 _Don't you even think about it copying that, sweetheart._

She really needed to call a cab and get back to Lanie's place before she fell asleep. Because a normal day of activity still left her pathetically exhausted.

 _Start hitting the gym. Take some vitamins._

It was her last coherent thought before she drifted off.

Castle had been sitting in the study doing some rare writing after a burst of inspiration, when Lily bounced into the room.

"Is your show over?"

"Yup," she answered. "Mom's sleeping."

"She is?" Castle took a glance out into the living room from behind his lap top and only saw some of Beckett's hair peeking out from the armrest.

"Do you want me to wake her?"

Castle debated it. They probably should. Call her a taxi and let her get some real rest in a bed at Lanie's place. But truth was, he selfishly wanted to hold on to her, keep her here, under their roof where he could keep an eye on her Make sure she didn't race off to Albany on a whim. "No," he told Lily. "Let her nap. She's still recovering."

"From what?"

 _Good question._

"You know she's a had rough time, right?"

"I know." Lily nodded. "Maybe she should sleep upstairs, in the guest bedroom, then she can stay for breakfast tomorrow."

Castle smiled, liking the idea. "Let her sleep on the sofa. She'll wake up soon. Then I'll call her a taxi."

Lily expression suggested she wasn't entirely content with that answer but she made a beeline for him anyway and wiggled onto his lap. "What are you writing?"

"Nikki Heat." He hadn't touched his best-selling series since Kate had disappeared.

"The detective?" Lily's eyes lit up. "I thought you weren't gonna write those books anymore?"

"I thought so too," he pulled his daughter close. "But I'm not so sure anymore. I thought her story was over, but now I don't think it is."

Lily grinned. "She's my favourite character."

"Oh yeah?" She hadn't read the books of course, but Castle had caught his daughter going through the graphic novels more than once. Nikki had been the only one she'd always asked and pestered him about. Lily knew that Nikki was inspired by her mother.

"I'm gonna be like her when I grow up. A detective."

"Is that right?"

"Yup."

Castle kissed the top of her head, not quite ready to think of his sweet little girl as a kick-ass cop with a very healthy sexual appetite. "Not for another twenty years, okay?"

But his mermaid had already slipped out of his grasp and was skipping out of the study with her endless energy. "Whatever, Dad."

Two hours later, both Lily and his mother, who was still on Paris time, were fast asleep, and so was Kate Beckett.

He did make a half-hearted effort to wake her, giving her shoulder a light squeeze, which only made her burrow her face deeper into the sofa cushions, before deciding to call Lanie that Kate would probably spend the night here. Then he took off her boots, lifted her legs onto the couch and covered her with a blanket.

* * *

 _Later_

" _Do it again. Harder."_

" _No."_

" _Push that knife in. Twist it. You know you want to. You_ like _it."_

" _No!"_

" _You like to see the blood. You like the_ power _."_

" _No!"_

The man was lying on the concrete sidewalk, covered in blood, multiple stab wounds dotting his torso. He was writhing underneath her and she was holding a knife, her own hand drenched in blood too. His blood.

" _No!"_

"Kate-"

He was grabbing her by the shoulders, sitting up somehow which shouldn't have been possible. She was so repulsed by his touch that she pushed him off with all the force she could muster.

"Kate!"

Her eyes widened and focused in the darkness, bewildered by what she saw.

The loft. Her old home. She was on the couch and Castle was on the floor, next to the coffee table.

Beckett blinked hard, trying to digest it all. Where she was. What had happened.

"Kate?" Castle had pushed himself off the floor and was kneeling next to her now.

"Rick?" Her heart was racing. "What…what happened?"

"I think you had a nightmare. I, uh…" He pushed himself off his knees until he was sitting on the couch. "I heard you screaming from the bedroom."

She swallowed hard and remembered sitting here. Watching that silly show with Lily. She must've have fallen asleep. The man she was stabbing. It was just a dream. _Or was it a memory?_

And why was Rick on the floor?

Beckett stared at him. "Did I push you?"

"It's…it's fine _. I'm_ fine. You had a nightmare."

"I did, didn't I?" She'd done it before at the cabin. Pushed him so hard that he'd fallen to the ground. _Please, no._ A knife was cutting through her heart now. "Oh God, Rick…I'm so sorry."

He reached for her hand. "Kate, it's okay. I'm okay."

She saw it when he took her hand in his. The streak of red that ran along the inside of his palm and stained her hand now. His blood on her. _Just like in the dream._ Was she still dreaming?

"Rick?" She blinked hard again and saw the blood was still there, on both their hands, before she grabbed his hand and turned it open so as to see his palm. There wasn't a lot of light in the room but enough for her to see that he was bleeding. "What happened?"

"Oh shit," he seemed to notice it for the first time. "I must've cut it on the glass rim of the coffee table."

Kate tossed off the blanket and jumped off the couch. "Do you still have a First Aid kit?"

"Kate, it's okay. It's just-"

"No." She grabbed his other hand and yanked him up too. "It's not okay." Hurting him was not okay. Never.

She grabbed the First Aid kit, not surprised to see it was still in the same place it used to be. Then she took him over to the kitchen sink and cleaned the cut without a word, even though he kept trying to play it down. Make light of it.

" _It was an accident." "It's a tiny cut." "No big deal."_

It wasn't. And none of it made her feel any less terrible.

 _What if it had been Lily?_ What if her daughter had heard her screaming at night and come down to wake her? What if she'd thrown her daughter across the coffee table?

Her gut clenched and for a second she thought she might be sick.

She couldn't look at him while she bandaged up his hand, taking extra care to make sure the dressing was on tight. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"Kate, stop."

She finally looked him in the eye. "What?"

"This is the ninth time you've apologized. I counted. Do it one more time and I will force-feed you a smorelette for breakfast."

His blue eyes had crinkled with amusement when he said it, and all it did was serve to put another dagger into her heart. She had to get out of here before she did any more damage to the people she loved.

She threw the paper waste from her impromptu nursing into the trash bin and told him she'd call a taxi.

Castle looked at her incredulously. "Kate, it's two in the morning. Stay here. There's an empty guest bedroom upstairs."

"So I can wake up screaming next to Lily's room? No."

"I called Lanie and told her you'd be staying here tonight. You'll give her a heart attack if you sneak into her apartment now."

Kate bit her lip. Probably true.

But better than giving Lily one.

"I'll be quiet."

Castle's fingers curled around her wrist, guiding her out of the bathroom. "Fine. If you insist on leaving I'll call you a cab. But at least have a cup of herbal tea in the kitchen with me first. Tell me what you dreamed about."

She didn't want to. Didn't want to go back there and didn't want to drag him into this increasingly dark abyss of her forgotten six years.

But she probably owed him that much for almost killing him in the middle of the night.

"Okay," she breathed.

She made him sit down at the kitchen counter while she prepared the kettle and scoured the cupboard for a tea that was soothing and caffeine free. Then she brought them both a cup when she'd found one – ginger lemon – after hearing the kettle whistle. She also turned off the kitchen light and lit a candle between them instead. It was too bright for her. For the headache that was blooming behind her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said it again when she sat down, even though it wasn't enough.

"You are definitely forced to stay here now and have a smorelette tomorrow morning. Just so you know."

It still didn't manage to make her smile even though he was trying so goddamn hard, because that's what he did. Nothing about this was funny to her.

"Why'd you break up with Hayley?" she asked, taking a sip of her tea and then regretting when it burned her lips.

He raised his brows, taken aback. So much so that she nearly wanted to apologize again. She hadn't planned to ask him. The question had flown from her lips unexpectedly, without her thinking.

"I thought we were going to talk about your dream."

"So you're not going to tell me?"

"I, uh…" He trailed the rim of his mug with the index finger of his uninjured hand. "I could give you a lot of reasons, but I figure you probably want the truth."

"Yes."

"We broke up because you came back."

Kate swallowed. She was the one taken aback now. "Castle…I never intended…"

"I know," he raised his hand. "Not suggesting anything of the sort. I couldn't be with her knowing you were here and alive. It wasn't fair to her. Doesn't change anything between us. I don't…expect anything from you. I want you to know that."

That finally elicited a smile. "Except to eat a smorlette tomorrow morning?"

"Yes," he grinned. "Except that. I expect you to face the consequences of excessive and unnecessary apologizing."

"Not unnecessary. I am sorry."

"You're up to two smorelettes now."

She chuckled. Unreal, how he did that. Ease the tension with his charm. "Gross."

"Tell me about your dream." He was the serious one now.

She took another sip of tea, grateful that it wasn't quite so hot anymore. And then she told him. About the man she stabbed to death, egged on by a voice telling her how much she enjoyed it.

He listened to her with the kind of undivided attention he always gave her. "Do you have nightmares often?"

"No. First time since I got back."

"It's a dream. An awful one, but still just a dream. Nothing more."

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, wanting to tell him the rest. The video. The trip to Philly. The texts.

Because maybe he'd see something she'd missed, as he so often did. Because no one else could think outside the box like he could.

"Kate?"

"Maybe not."

"What do you mean?"

She hesitated but then he saw that she had more to tell him and of course he coaxed it out of her.

So she told him everything.

Kate marvelled at his composure through it all. That he barely flinched when she verified that it was indeed her on the video. Not that it should have surprised her. He'd been her rock for as long as she could remember.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She caught the anger in his voice.

Kate met his eyes. _You know why._

He acknowledged her silent response with the slightest nod. "Let me help you solve this."

"What if we don't like what we find?"

Castle leaned forward on his elbows. "I don't for one second believe that you ran off so you could go a six-year killing spree. No way in hell, Kate. Not possible."

"But the evidence…"

"A video, that can be doctored."

"Not a video. A street cam. Then there was testimony. There's also a possible witness. The texts."

"Don't just look at the evidence. Look for the story too."

"This would be so much easier if I could remember."

"The one memory you've had so far was a memory of you being held captive," he reminded her.

Kate exhaled. That was true. "I guess."

"Obviously you need a rational, level-headed partner to who's going to remind you not to jump to far-fetched conclusions every time a new piece of evidence shows up."

Kate chuckled. "Obviously."

"I mean it, Kate. Let me help. Please."

She took the last sip of tea. Exhausted. From the nightmare and the panic of seeing his bloody hand. From the release of telling him everything. She wanted him by her side, desperately. But she didn't want to drag him and his family into this mess.

"Let me sleep on it?"

"Yeah…of course."

"Show me your hand," she reached for him, not pulling back when her skin made contact with his for the first time since she'd seen him in the hospital. She wanted _that_ too, to feel his skin on hers again. But it all still hurt too much.

Beckett ran her thumb across the bandage, pleased to see the small bloodstain underneath it hadn't grown.

"Am I gonna live?"

"Not funny."

He smiled anyway. "I'll call you a cab."

"Castle…"

"Hmm?"

"Is the offer still there? The guest bedroom upstairs?"

"What?" He hopped off the stool he'd been sitting on. Eager. "Yes. Of course. It's yours. As long as you want it."

"Just until morning."

He nodded. "Okay. I'll get you some spare things."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

He came back with one of his oversized t-shirts and handed it to her, along with some towels, a new toothbrush, still in its plastic wrap, and a set of towels.

She mouthed a quiet thank you and then slowly climbed the stairs of her old home for the first time in six years.

* * *

 **A/N:** For story purposes I added an extra bedroom to the Castle loft. Hope you'll forgive me for tinkering with canon on that front.


	30. Chapter 30

**30**

 _Castle residence, NY_

"Exquisite," Martha declared after putting the finishing touches on Lily's French braid. It really was. Her grand-daughter had inherited a head of thick, chestnut-brown hair that could have come from either of her parents.

"Exquisite?" Lily wrinkled her nose at the choice of adjective. "I wanted to look cool, grandma."

"Cool?" This time it was Martha who wrinkled her nose. "A birthday party in a ballroom at the Plaza calls for exquisite, not cool, my dear."

Normally, Martha was a fan of grand gestures and pageantry, but she wasn't entirely convinced that a birthday party at the Plaza was necessary for a ten-year old. Taylor, however, was one of Lily's best friends so not going was not an option.

"Oh wow," Castle entered the dining room where the party preparation was taking place, clearly pleased. "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"

"Funny, Dad."

But his awe was justified.

Martha was so pleased to have coaxed Lily into a dress for the first time in ages, even if it was a simple blue wool dress that still allowed her to run up the stairs three steps at a time.

"Hold on," he whipped out his cell phone. "Picture time."

Lily groaned. "Dad, do you have to?"

But Martha wrapped her arm around the girl's tiny waist and held on. "Believe me, you will want to look at this when you're my age."

Lily raised her brows, as if that was such an unfathomably far leap into the future that even her active imagination couldn't conjure up. Still, she humoured them both and smiled into the phone camera.

"One more," Castle insisted.

"You really should wake Katherine so she can see Lily before you two take off."

"That's what this is for." He pointed to the photo on the camera.

"Mom's still sleeping?" Lily asked. "She sleeps a long time!"

"Says the girl who'd still be in bed if I hadn't come in twice to try and drag you out."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Taylor's gift is upstairs and I have to put it in a different bag."

"What are you waiting for?"

Lily raced back upstairs, several strands of hair already coming undone from her fancy French braid.

Castle turned to Martha, "Thank you. For taking the time to do her hair."

"That girl needs no help from me in looking gorgeous."

Castle grinned. "What can I say? I make beautiful children."

"You should thank your lucky stars that both of your daughters are spitting images of their mothers."

His grin deflated. "Leave it to you to keep me grounded."

"Someone has to make sure that giant head of yours keeps fitting through the door." Martha gave him a charming smile before lowering her voice. "Darling, is Katherine all right?"

"Why?"

"You know I've always believed you can never be too thin, but she's making me rethink it."

Castle frowned. "Give it some time."

"I heard some noise last night too," she added, her voice still low. " _Screaming_."

"She had a nightmare."

"Ah…" Her gaze shifted to the bandage on his hand. "Is that how you got that?"

"What?" Castle shrugged it off. "No, I, uh, cut myself on a piece of glass."

"After you went to bed last night?"

"Mother…"

"Richard," She paused, as dramatically as only an actor could. "Have you considered that she might have all sorts of psychological scars? She might need some time to get over something like this. Time and professional help?"

He wasn't sure what she was getting at. "Yes. Of course."

"She might not be the same woman you remember."

He was grateful that Lily still hadn't made her way back downstairs. "What are you trying to say? Weren't you telling me to go after her just a few days ago?"

"I know," she waved her hand into the air. "I still think you should. She deserves happiness after all this, and so do you, and Lily deserves a mother. But the enormity of it all struck me this morning. After I heard her screaming last night."

"I'm not expecting easy. It's never been easy for us." Then he saw his daughter racing back down the stairs, reminding him that easy was overrated. "But it's always been worth it."

"All right, kiddo. Just remember to take care of yourself too."

"You ready to go?" He asked his daughter who was already standing by the door and putting on a pair of shoes that absolutely didn't match her dress. But he let it go. She was at the age where she needed to start figuring things out on her own. So he silently cautioned Martha against it, just before she was about to point it out.

"Dad, are you coming?"

"Oh now you're in a rush."

He gave Martha a grin before grabbing his car keys from the holder by the door. "I'll be back in half an hour or so. If Kate wakes up, tell her to hang tight and I'll give her a ride back home. Maybe you can convince her to stay for breakfast. I have lots of pancake mix left from this morning."

"I could cook some."

"I'm trying to convince her to stay, not leave."

Martha heard Lily giggling from out in the hallway and she made a face, only mildly offended, because she truly had no intentions of making breakfast, for herself or anyone else.

She closed the door behind them and contemplated heading outside to her favourite neighbourhood café for a small bowl of steel cut oats and fresh fruit.

She didn't expect to see Katherine traipsing down the stairs, wearing one of her son's t-shirts. It swam on her.

"Good morning, my dear." Martha greeted her warmly, expertly hiding the slight shock she still felt at the sight of her. There was something raw and wild about her now, a hardness that went beyond the newly sharp edges of her physique. Martha sensed that she'd be capable of going from hunted to hunter in the span of seconds.

She frightened her a little. This new Katherine.

Martha exhaled, reminding herself that, appearances aside, this was still the same woman that she used to love like a daughter. A gentle, big-hearted woman, who adored her son and gave her a second, wonderful grandchild.

"You just missed them."

"Missed them?"

"Richard and Lily just left. He took her to a birthday party at the Plaza."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

 _Good morning to you too._

Martha draped an arm around her once she was close enough and steered her towards the kitchen counter and one of its stools. "Richard thought you could use the rest."

"I haven't had breakfast with Lily in over six years."

Martha swallowed at a rare loss for words and that's when Katherine suddenly looked at her with remorse and gave her a lop-sided smile that reminded her of the Kate Beckett she used to know. "I'm sorry, Martha," she said ruefully. "This isn't on you."

Martha smiled again, genuinely this time. "Can I make you a coffee?"

"It's okay," Beckett shook her head. "I should go."

"Don't race out of here," Martha chided her. "Have a coffee. Take a shower and then let Richard take you home."

Beckett contemplated it. "I hadn't planned to stay the night."

"But here you are. So stay. At least until Richard gets back, then you can chew him out for not waking you for breakfast."

Beckett's face softened and it further eased Martha's apprehension. She so badly wanted to take her to a hair salon and fix that dark, unruly mess on Katherine's head. Layer it and put in some soft highlights. The woman had gorgeous hair. It was a travesty to neglect it like this. Martha wanted to take her shopping too. Remind her that she used to take pride and joy in her clothes, whereas she now looked like a broke college student.

Her son would probably accuse her of being superficial.

He'd tell her that Beckett had priorities other than shopping and make-up right now, but Martha knew better. She was certain that if Katherine began to look like her former self she'd feel better too. It would help her to begin leaving the last six years behind.

"Chew him out for looking out for me?"

Martha chuckled. "Or maybe not. Have breakfast with him when he comes back. Richard never says no to a second breakfast."

"I really should go," Beckett slid off the stool.

"Why?" Martha asked. "Why not stay?"

"Stay?"

"Stay here," Martha suggested even though she knew she was crossing a line of sorts. But when you got to a certain age you stopped caring so much about stepping on other people's toes. She cared more about keeping those stubborn kids together where they belonged. "Your family's here, Katherine. Not at Lanie's place."

Beckett raised her brows and Martha could see the barely concealed anger on her face with ease. An actress Katherine was not.

"Are you serious?"

Martha was unperturbed by the other woman's anger. "Yes. Quite."

"As far as I know Rick is still married. You think I should just slip back into his bedroom a few days after he split up with Hayley? Pretend their marriage never happened?"

"Katherine," Martha reached for the younger woman's hand. "I know you're hurt."

"I came back to find him married to someone else," Beckett fisted her hand. "Yes, it hurt. A lot. I can't just…"

"Can't what?" Martha asked her softly. "Forgive him for that?"

"I don't know," Beckett said honestly. "No. Not yet."

Martha squeezed her arm. "I'm not suggesting you get over it in a week. I'm telling you that you have a family here that loves you. A daughter that desperately wants you back in her life. As for Richard, I know you're hurt but don't forget that he searched for you for four years. And then when you came back, he left his wife two weeks later. That man _loves_ you. More than any woman that he's ever loved."

"Martha…"

"Take however much time you need, darling," Martha added, gently. "But remember how much time you've lost already. If you need to stay away because you need to figure things out on your own, I understand, but don't stay away because you're too hurt or too proud." She smiled at her. "Not for too long anyway."

"This guy is still after me," Katherine told her, fiddling nervously with a napkin she'd found on the kitchen counter. There was a nervous tension in all her gestures, Martha noticed, one that never seemed to leave her completely, except when she was around Lily. "I don't want to bring that kind of danger into this family."

"You're talking as though you're not part of this family," Martha reminded her.

"I should go," Beckett repeated, obviously torn. Conflicted.

"All right," Martha nodded. She'd said her piece and her eyes followed her daughter-in-law (she still thought of her as that) as she slinked back up the stairs. She really hoped that her son would have better luck at pulling Katherine back into their lives.

Because she certainly seemed to need a family right now.

* * *

 _Later_

Beckett couldn't have taken more than ten minutes to shower and hastily dry her hair, hoping to leave the house before Castle got back. Or Martha from her foray to the nearest café for breakfast.

But of course she wasn't fast enough.

"You're still here," Castle remarked after coming upstairs to see her coming out of the bathroom with the ends of her hair still wet.

"I was about to leave."

"Did you have breakfast?"

"Yeah."

"You did?" He tilted his head a little, as if that would squeeze the truth out of her.

"Mmm…"

One of his hands reach out to her neck. Puzzled at what he saw. "What happened?"

Beckett blushed. She'd worn a turtle-neck yesterday so he wouldn't have noticed the fresh bruise on it then. Her gaze drifted towards his hand. "How's your hand?"

"It'd be better if you didn't change the topic."

She frowned. "I'm serious."

"It's itching," he admitted. "I think I need to change the dressing. Wanna play nurse again?"

Beckett nodded. "Sure. I'll re-dress it for you."

"It wants breakfast first though."

She raised her brows. " _It_ wants breakfast? You're kidding, right? You're using the cut on your hand to guilt me into having breakfast with you?"

"By any means necessary?"

Irritation rose in the back of her throat. She didn't know what to make of all this. Martha telling her to come home. Castle wanting to have breakfast on Sunday morning as though they were still a couple. Just as she'd begun to accept that she didn't have a right to any of it anymore.

It made her head spin.

"Well, I'm not playing this game."

"Kate…" Frustration lined his handsome face. "Just have a bite to eat before you head out. I don't even a give a damn about the hand. It's fine. I can change it myself. Besides, it's Sunday, where do you need to be in such a rush?"

Anger flushed her cheeks. It was true. She had no plans. No other family to spend time with. No cases to ponder. No job. No dog to feed. No hobbies. God, it was pathetic.

And he knew it and it pissed her off even more. "That's right," she shot back. "I'm going to Lanie to wallow and feel sorry for myself for the rest of the day."

"No, you're not. It's not who you are."

The anger kept rising and she took a bold stride in his direction. Got right into his face. "How do you know who I am, Rick? When I don't even know myself anymore?"

"Why are you so angry?" he asked softly, not bothered in the least that she was close enough to feel his breath on her skin.

 _I don't know._

"I'm not."

"Yes. You are."

She wanted to strike him. But of course she didn't. Instead she marvelled at the irony of denying her anger in light of it.

She took a deep breath, and tilted back her head to look him in the eyes.

He reached for her shoulder and his touch calmed her inexplicable rage. "I was kidding. You know that. I'm not forcing you to stay here, Kate." There was no anger at all from him. "Or even to have breakfast," a lopsided smile graced his face. "I'd never. I know we can't go back to how it was. Not sure, I even want that."

She gave him a subtle nod, acknowledging his apology.

"I just…I love you. That's all." He winced a little. "I always tell you at the wrong time, don't I? Like now. But I've wanted to tell you ever since I first saw you in that hospital in Albany. It's one of the things that I realized after you disappeared. That I didn't say it often enough. I didn't tell you the day you disappeared and I thought I never would again."

His voice choked and every fibre of her body wanted to take him into her arms, to tell him she knew, she _always_ knew. If there was one thing she never doubted it was that. He didn't have to say. But she was frozen in place. Speechless.

Castle regained his composure quickly. "But you're right, Kate. I don't know what you want anymore. I don't know what you need. Or even how much time you need to figure it all out. I told you that don't expect anything, from us. There is no us. I know that. But I do still love you, and I am here for whatever you might need from me. I want you to know that."

Kate nodded. Not wanting to risk using her voice. Not sure what kind of pitiful sounds would emerge.

"I'll call you a cab."

"Thank you," she managed.

"There's a key on the key rack," he told her, while dialling a number on his cell phone.

Kate turned towards it.

"It's your key," he told her. "You can come here anytime. No questions asked. This is your home too and that guest bedroom is yours whenever you want it or need it. Okay?"

Kate nodded. Overwhelmed. Wanting to flee and desperately wanting to stay. To never leave again. "Okay."

"There'll be a car downstairs in ten minutes," he told her. "Oh and Kate, are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?"

"Tomorrow?" She was going to retake her driver's test tomorrow, but that was in the morning.

"Lily has swim practice tomorrow evening and I'm so behind at the PI office. If you're free and want to take her."

 _Yes._

"Just me?"

"If you don't mind?"

"No, no, I don't mind. But I can't drive yet."

"I'll set up a car service that'll meet her at school. All you have to do is meet her there, take her to practice and bring her back home. I can text you the details and let the school know you're picking her up."

"I'd like that." This she could handle. Taking Lily to a swim practice. It was something that didn't take all her emotions on a rollercoaster ride.

Her ex-husband smiled. "Perfect."

Kate stole a glance at the clock on the wall. "Ten minutes for the cab?"

"Yeah…"

She made a beeline for the First Aid kit.

Ten minutes was enough to redress the bandage on his hand.

* * *

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, NY_

"Javi, did you see the prints report from Forensics?" Kevin Ryan's face was serious. Sombre even. Enough so that it made Esposito take his eyes away from the murder board in front of him.

There really was no need for a paper-photo-and-print murder board anymore given all the digital tools they had at their fingertips, and sometimes he was mocked for still using it. But he didn't care, it was a practice that had been instilled in him from the best homicide detective he'd ever worked and besides, old habits died hard. Esposito still thought it was one of his most valuable tools, to see everything mapped out in front of him on one giant board. Old school style. Photos. Timelines. Snapshots of evidence. Maps. Seeing it all in one place helped him make the connections he wouldn't have made after looking at a dozen different screens.

Now that they'd found another young woman's body whose murder might be random, or who might be connected to the serial killer they were already chasing, making those connections was more important than ever.

"I haven't," he finally answered Ryan's question. He hadn't expected the report to come in yet.

What he did expect was for it to be mess. The body was in a severe state of decomposition. The ME had put the date of death between 30 and 35 days ago and they'd found her in an abandoned factory, when a homeless guy nearly stumbled over her remains in the middle of the night.

The only good news was that the room space where she they found her was deep inside the old factory and at least it wasn't affected by rain and snow.

But he still didn't expect the prints report to yield anything particularly useful. The dental reports were what he was eager for, to see whether they could ID her and determine whether she was an undocumented immigrant like the others.

"Lemme guess, nothin'?"

"No, not nothin'," Ryan's frown deepened. "You know whose prints we pulled from that crime scene?"

Ryan had all his attention now. Anything that was in the system and came with a name and face was good news in his books. "Tell me."

"Kate Beckett's."


	31. Chapter 31

**31**

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, NY_

"So Kate Beckett was there, at the crime scene," Esposito digested the news. There'd been enough blood at the scene to make them decide the teenager was killed at the abandoned factory. That she wasn't dumped there after being killed elsewhere. "You know what that means."

"Yeah. Means she was at the crime scene," Ryan threw back.

"It means they're connected," Esposito realized as though a light bulb had gone off in his head. "The Box Cutter Killer, the guy who took Beckett, the guy who's killing the illegals…they're all connected."

Ryan gave him skeptical look. "They're six years apart. Totally different MOs. A serial who turns into a kidnapper and goes back to killing?"

"Maybe he never stopped." Espo scratched his chin. "There must have been other prints at the scene. We know it's a place where vagrants sleep."

"They pulled over thirty prints from the scene."

"Beckett's was the only one in the system?"

"There were three others. Perps and homeless guy with minor charges. Possession. Trespassing."

Esposito gritted his teeth. "But you think Beckett's the one who killed him?"

"No," Ryan shot him a look that let him know it was a stupid question. "But it sure as hell doesn't make sense."

Esposito wanted to punch something. A fingerprint wasn't enough for an arrest. But it did make her a person of interest. It was enough to bring her in for questioning and ask her where she was that night. And of course he already knew what the answer to that was. _She has no idea_.

What a mess.

"There's more."

"More?"

"You know that streetcam in Philly that had the footage of her? The Philly PD found additional footage from a nearby camera."

"Footage of what?" Esposito pushed back his chair.

"Beckett."

"Doing what?"

"Nothin'. Walking down the street alone."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

Esposito ran a hand over his mouth. He tried hard to see the positives. To think of this as a connection coming together.

The guy who'd taken Beckett was involved in these killings. He was convinced of it. All they had to do now was find the evidence to prove it.

"You know where this is headed, don't you?" Kevin Ryan's sombre expression didn't change as he lowered his voice and made sure no one else was listening.

"What are you talkin' about?"

"Yamato's gonna make her a person of interest."

"Yeah, so what?"

"We now have footage of her freely walking around Philly a couple of months ago. We have a guy that's accused her of stabbing him multiple. Now we have her prints at our latest crime scene. Worst of all, we don't even have proof that anyone actually kidnapped her."

"You wanna go and slap the cuffs on her right now?" Esposito shot him a look that could kill. "Do you even remember how we found her? She was almost dead. You think she tied and beat herself up in that cabin?"

Ryan looked aghast. "'Course not. But I'm playing devil's advocate because you _know_ what this looks like to those who don't know her like we do. Things aren't adding up and now her prints are at a murder scene. Our Cap is gonna wanna bring her in for questioning. It's what we'd do if it were anyone but Beckett."

Esposito leaned in closer to him. "What are you suggesting?"

"We talk to her before they force us to haul her ass in here. Off the record."

"Okay," Esposito nodded in agreement. Finally his partner sounded like they were on the same side again.

"We tell her what we found and then we hope she has some answers for us."

* * *

 _Later_

 _Queens, NYC_

The sounds of water splashing and children talking and running barefoot across wet, tiled floors echoed in the cavernous building of the sports facility where Kate Beckett was sitting on a bench against a massive wall. The smell of chlorine wafted in the air, testament to the fact that there were no less than three swimming pools in her immediate line of vision, one of them Olympic-sized.

Lily and a dozen other girls were doing laps in one of the two smaller pools located directly in front of her.

Beckett was the lone parent sitting near the pool even though Lily made it clear, really clear now that she thought about it, that she didn't have to hang around inside the pool area. After all, she didn't want to be _that_ kind of Mom. The hovering, overprotective helicopter kind.

Except this was her first time taking her daughter to swim practice. She wanted to see what it was all about. Maybe take some snapshots with her new phone.

Lily told her that all the parents hung out together during practice. Kate had seen a bunch of mothers and a couple of fathers taking off for a nearby cafe at the start of the practice. They obviously all knew each other, and she suspected that they took turns bringing their kids here, because one mother had chauffeured three girls.

 _Whereas I brought one girl_ and _a chauffeur._

The driver from Castle's car service left after dropping her off and promised to be back ninety minutes later.

Kate wondered whether Castle knew everyone in the group of parents who were here tonight. Of course he did, she thought, biting her lip. With his natural, easy-going charm he wouldn't just know them, he was probably friends with them all. He probably knew all their kid's names and got them birthday gifts too.

She also wondered who had done this twice a week, every week, while she was gone. Did Castle always drive Lily to swim practice? Or did they all take turns? Castle, Alexis, Martha, one of the other parents… _Hayley_?

Kate pressed her eyes shut and shook off the chill she got every time she thought of all the endless moments she'd missed. Time that she would never, ever get back.

None of the parents had invited her to join them tonight and Beckett was grateful for it.

She was not in the mood for small talk. Not after the day she had. Beckett pinched the bridge of her nose when two girls walked past her, their wet feet padding along the tiles.

Her head pounded hard and Beckett reached into a small plastic bag that was lying on the bench next to her, its contents the result of a quick stop at a nearby corner store after Lily went to change. She opened a small bottle of ibuprofen tablets and shook out two tablets. Then she grabbed a plastic bottle of water from inside the bag and swallowed them. There was a chocolate bar in there too and she pulled that out as well, unwrapping it and taking a bite while she tried to focus on Lily doing one lap after another. It was Lanie who suggested she start snacking all day long.

" _If you can't handle a big meal, have little ones, and then snack in between. Lotsa snacks, girl. In fact, you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna give you all of mine. Lord knows I can do without them."_

She'd already eaten Lanie's donated bag of almonds and a pack of Doritos earlier today.

In her determination to get fit again, she'd also joined Lanie in an early morning yoga class and told her friend about Martha suggesting she move back into the loft.

" _Do you want to?"_

" _It's not that simple…it's about more than wanting."_

" _Is it?"_

" _Isn't it?"_ Kate had eyed Lanie in disbelief while their arms were outstretched in a warrior pose. _"He was married to another woman less than a week ago!"_

" _So? Looks like he left her as soon as you came back and now you're staying away from him 'cause you're hurt."_

" _That's not what I said."_

" _Sounds like it to me."_

" _Lanie?"_

" _Hey, I love having you around, as frustrating as you are. You stay as long as you want. All I'm sayin' is you already lost six years. How many more do you wanna lose because you're hurt?"_

It had started to feel like a blunter version of a conversation that she'd already had with Martha.

And with that Lanie swooped into a majestic downward dog, butt in the air and hands firmly planted on the mat below, signalling the end of that conversation.

Afterwards, she'd gone for a vision test and sat down to re-write the written test to get her license, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers and recent immigrants. It had been easiest part of her day.

Even though her brain couldn't remember anything about the last six years, it hadn't forgotten a single thing about New York traffic laws.

She'd passed it with flying colours and immediately made an appointment to register for a pre-licensing course and a road test, impatient to get it all done. To reclaim her life, one bureaucratic step at a time.

That was until she got a call from Kevin Ryan, asking her to meet him. He said that there was something he wanted to show her and of course she'd said yes, even though his request had filled her with unease. Because Ryan was one of the most earnest, sincere people she'd ever known and the trepidation in his voice had given him away on the phone.

Goosebumps that had nothing to do with the cold air lined her arms when he'd asked her to hop into his car, his personal car, not the precinct cruiser, at their meeting place.

" _Are we going for a drive?"_ she'd aimed for lightheartedness and failed.

" _Yes."_

He'd taken her to a derelict building in Harlem, bordered by two massive brown-brick high rises on two side and a rail track and the Harlem River Drive on the other two. The river was less than a block away. As they got closer to a boarded-up window, Beckett noticed the yellow crime scene tape that surrounded a nearby entrance.

" _You're taking me to a crime scene?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Isn't this out of your jurisdiction?"_

" _Do you recognize the building?"_ Ryan had asked her.

" _No."_

" _Do you remember being here?"_

" _No. Why?"_

She'd looked at it closely, wondering whether it was supposed to trigger anything. Shaking her head when a long moment of silence staring in its direction brought up nothing. No memories. No recollections.

" _You sure?"_

" _Yes. Why, Kev? Am I supposed to remember it?"_

" _We found a body inside this building and when forensics did their sweep of the room where she was found, we found your prints."_

" _What?"_ Beckett had been so shocked by his announcement that Ryan's words took a moment to register.

" _Whether or not you remember it, you have been inside that building."_

She'd felt the panic rising inside her. Her throat had started to constrict and she'd wanted to leap out of the parked car and gasp for air. _"What are you suggesting?"_

He'd noticed her panic.

" _Hey,"_ he'd turned to her and forced her to focus on him. _"I'm suggesting you were inside that building. That's all. Nothing more, nothing else. Homeless people crashed inside it all the time. We lifted more than thirty prints from the murder scene, most of them weren't in the system, but yours were."_

" _What murder?"_

" _You know I can't tell you that."_

Her panic had increased. " _I want to go inside."_ Going inside might have triggered something, the way it had at the cabin. She didn't care anymore if it was horrible, she needed to know.

But Ryan had grabbed her arm. _"Are you crazy? You tryin' get me suspended? I shouldn't even have brought you here. I shouldn't be telling you any of this. But Espo and I…we know you didn't have anything to do with this killing. But Beckett - it would really, really help if you could remember. Whatever you can do to help jog your memory, I suggest you do it."_

" _Am I being investigated?"_

Ryan had stared out the front window stone-faced.

" _Kevin, tell me."_

" _Right now you're nothing more than a person of interest. But…"_

" _But what?"_

" _There's a lot talk at the precinct. Some guys are suggesting that maybe you weren't kidnapped."_

" _What?"_ The thought had angered her. She could forgive the general public for thinking it, but not her fellow cops, many of whom had known her when she was their captain.

" _The footage of you in Philly, it's making people question things. Some are even suggesting that whoever took you eventually turned you into an accomplice. They're spouting crazy Stockholm Syndrome theories…"_

" _Kev, I…"_

" _I'm telling you this 'cause I think you should know. 'Cause I'm your friend. There's a chance the Cap will bring you in for questioning. That's all. Most of us, including Espo and I, know better. We believe that maybe the guy who took you is involved in other crimes. That maybe your prints are here 'cause you were held here too. That maybe you weren't his only victim."_

She'd swallowed hard. Too stunned to digest it all. Here she'd been trying to get her life back. Contemplating a future return to the NYPD.

" _What about the guy in Philly?"_ She'd asked. _"He said he had witnesses who saw me stab him. Have they come forward?"_

Ryan had made a face of disgust. _"No, of course not. That's 'cause he's a con and liar."_

 _No, it's 'cause his witnesses probably have records,_ she'd thought, not voicing her thoughts aloud. The man's rage had been real and he had known her. Maybe he was lying about the stabbing but she had done something terrible to him. Of that she was certain.

They'd stayed in the parked car for several minutes longer before Ryan decided that it was futile. He then drove them back into mid-town, dropping Beckett off at Macy's where she'd originally planned to buy some clothing in order to escape from the jeans and hoodies that had become her uniform lately, thinking the NYPD probably wouldn't want to hire her if she looked more like a thug than a cop.

How stupid she'd been to think that _that_ was her biggest obstacle to getting back on the force.

Instead of going shopping, she'd popped into the Starbucks that was next door on 34th and searched for Dr. Burke's number online. Turned out her former therapist had left New York and moved to Atlanta but there was a female therapist working in the same office, so Beckett finally made an appointment.

She'd been dreading it. Dreading the thought of sitting on some therapist's couch and revisiting things she didn't want to think about. Using techniques which she was convinced wouldn't work anyway.

But she was desperate now. She needed to remember, whether or not she wanted to, and she was willing to try anything. Hypnosis. Medications. _Anything._

Afterwards, she'd taken a taxi back to the building where Ryan had brought her earlier. She'd sat across it for nearly an hour, staring it down as if that would bring back her memories through sheer willpower alone.

It didn't.

The only thing she left Harlem with was a pounding headache, which she was trying to ease now as she watched Lily swim laps back and forth in front of her eyes.

It was hypnotic, watching her little girl glide through the water like a mermaid and the 90-minute practice went by in a heartbeat.

"It ees so nice you are here again, Captain Beckett." Lily's Russian coach, Nikolai, had approached her after her daughter went off to change.

His beard seemed to have gotten even bigger and wilder since she'd last seen him. "It's Kate."

"You have chance to talk to her father, yes?"

The guy was definitely persistent. "No, no I haven't."

"I do practice with my team in Jersey City next week. I would like to take Lily. Ees great experience for her. If you give permission."

Beckett stood up. "That's kind of you. I'll mention it to Rick."

"Please."

For a second, she thought he'd lean in and kiss her twice, as Eastern Europeans sometimes did, but then she caught a sudden hesitancy and he left without another word.

Beckett left the pool area and went back outside to the hallway of the gymnasium to wait for her daughter. A group of mothers, as well as two dads, had already congregated out there. They stopped their conversation to look at her and then started again, more quietly this time, averting their gaze as though they hadn't seen her.

Like the rest of the day, it all made her want to crawl out of her skin.

Until Lily came running, out of the change room and straight into her arms. Beckett had no idea what prompted the unexpected hug but she held on tight, a wave of joy and relief washing over her when she held her daughter in her arms.

"Thanks for taking me to practice, Mom."

"Anytime, sweetheart," she let go reluctantly, when Lily wriggled out of her grasp and took her hand to lead her down the hall, past the other parents, who no longer bothered to pretend they weren't staring.

"Are you staying with us tonight?"

"With you?" Of course she hadn't considered it until this instant. But she desperately wanted to brainstorm with someone about what had happened today. And there was no one better at weaving bits of evidence into a cohesive story than her former partner in crime.

"You could walk to school with me tomorrow morning."

Beckett smiled. "I'd like that." She'd do it even if Castle wasn't up for a visit tonight. "Let me text your Dad and see what he thinks about it."

The car and driver were already waiting for them near the main doors of the building when they got out. Beckett opened the door for Lily and scooted in after their daughter before pulling out her phone and texting Castle.

- _Is it okay for me to come home with Lily tonight? I could use someone to bounce some crazy theories around._

It wasn't more than a few seconds before he responded.

 _-Yes. Guest bedroom is yours. Come._

Kate smiled and a few seconds later another text pinged her phone.

 _-Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you to stop scoffing at my crazy theories? I'm putting some champagne on ice to celebrate. Right now._

"What are you smiling about, Mom?"

"Your Dad."

"He is pretty funny, isn't he?"

"Very."

* * *

 _Later_

 _Castle residence, NYC_

He really did put champagne on ice, but neither of them had touched it yet. After a quick and low-key pizza and salad dinner, they'd waited for Lily to go to sleep and Martha to retire to her room to listen to one of her favourite operas before they made their way into Castle's study and closed the door behind them.

Beckett didn't want to risk anyone hearing the things she was about to tell Castle, while she sat on the rim of his desk and he was seated across from her, an open lap top in front of him. Ready to take notes.

"So they found your prints at a murder scene. That could be good."

"Good?"

"It connects the guy who held you to other crimes."

"It connects _me_ to a murder!"

"What if it connects you to another victim instead? Gonna guess that's what Ryan and Espo are thinking, isn't it?"

"Yeah-" She hadn't realized she was staring past Castle into the wall behind him when suddenly her cellphone buzzed in the pocket of her hoodie. It made her jump up and nearly fall off the desk until she regained her balance.

But Castle had already jumped out of his chair with surprising speed. If had slipped, he'd probably have caught her before her ass would have hit the floor.

"Sorry-" she mumbled pulling out the phone.

Another text flashed on the screen.

 _-Do you miss the killing? How badly do you want to do it again?_

She clenched the phone, wanting to throw it across the study. Instead she typed in a furious response to the number.

"What's going on?" Castle moved to stand next to her and carefully took the phone from her hand after he saw the text. Then he read her response out loud. " 'Why don't you come say that to my face you ducking coward?'"

Kate cringed. "Autocorrect. Of all the damn times."

"Want me to write it again? Make sure he knows exactly what you mean?"

She almost smiled and then watched as Castle typed in a response, while she leaned in to see what it was.

 _-You come near her again and I will kill you, you fucking coward. That's a promise._

"Castle-"

"Now he knows."

She exhaled. "Thanks. I think."

What she didn't expect was a response.

 _-You're not the killer, Ricky. She is._

"Look like we rattled him," Beckett pointed out, grateful that Castle was here to see it. That they were doing this together.

"Quick. Lemme text Ryan the number," Castle told her, grabbing the phone back. "Maybe we can rattle him some more, so he'll stay on it long enough for Ryan to find out where it's coming from."

 _-Why don't you come here and test that theory?_ Castle dared him.

They waited for several long minutes hoping for one more reply but nothing came.

"Guess he's not that stupid," Beckett announced after giving up hope that he'd continue on the same number, stretching her arms over his desk to loosen her stiff muscles after that yoga workout this morning.

Castle grabbed a chair and set it down next to his. "Come. Sit down. On an actual chair."

She accepted the invitation.

"Do you still have all the texts he sent?" Castle asked.

"Of course."

"Let's write them down, chronologically. See if we can spot a pattern."

There were only six of them, including the two tonight. They'd come from five different phone numbers.

"Anything?" Castle prompted while Kate stared at the laptop screen.

"He's escalating," she offered. "They start of relatively harmless, telling me I don't want to remember, that I did terrible things, but then they become…"

"More forceful. Angry." Castle agreed. "The language changes and he suddenly seems obsessed with you being a killer. Outing you as a killer."

"Why?" Beckett ran a hand through her hair.

"You have killed people," Castle said softly.

"What?"

"In all your years as a cop. As a detective and as a captain. You _have_ killed people."

"Only when there was no other alternative, when my own life or someone else's was in imminent danger…"

"I know that," he raised his hand in defense. "Not saying otherwise. But if this psycho's obsession is labelling you a killer, you have to ask yourself why? What if he did give you drugs that made you aggressive? What's the reason? What's the story behind? It's as though he wants to yell it from a rooftop, 'Look…Kate Beckett's not a hero, she's a killer.' _Why_?"

"Okay," Beckett wasn't sure that was the guy's motivation but she was willing to go along to see where it might lead.

"Let's make another list," Castle suggested. "A list of the people you killed during your years as a cop."

"Seriously?"

"Humour me. You came here tonight looking for crazy theories. Just giving you what you came for."

It was a strange exercise, because there were people whose lives she'd ended who'd remained nameless and faceless to her. Hit squads sent to kill her after Vikram had enlisted her help in fighting LokSat. A pair of felons that William Bracken left in a sleazy hotel room with her and ordered to make her death look like a suicide. She'd ended their lives instead.

Others were more firmly entrenched in her memories.

Dick Coonan, whom she'd killed because he'd been a second away from ending Castle's life.

Kelly Nieman, whom she'd killed to save her own life.

"She's the one who haunts me the most," Beckett admitted. "Because I never imagined having to kill someone with my bare hands."

Castle who'd been busy typing suddenly stopped. "What did you say?"

"Nieman. She haunts me the most."

"No, after that."

Beckett narrowed her brows. "That I never imagined having to kill someone with my bare hands?"

"That's exactly what one of your texts said. 'You killed with your bare hands.'"

Beckett pondered the coincidence. "You think that text refers to me killing Kelly Nieman?"

Castle contemplated it. "I don't know. But I'm putting her name at the top of my list."

"And what are we doing with this list?"

"You know who thinks you're a killer? The ones who loved the people on this list. To them you're a killer and maybe they want the world to know it. We do some research and find out who was closest to them. What they're up to now."

"You really think the guy who went after me did it for revenge?" It frustrated her, because this was nothing more than pure speculation. It was fulfilling Castle's need for a story rather than her need for evidence. She wanted to comb through the files they had on the Boxcutter Killer, the man she'd gone after before she disappeared. She was starting to believe that killer and the one Espo and Ryan were chasing now were one and the same, and that they were both related to her disappearance.

But of course she didn't have access to any of that.

So Beckett bit her tongue, reminding herself that this was exactly why she'd come here tonight. To see whether Castle had other, out-of-the-box, theories might lead somewhere else.

"Humour me, would you?"

Of course he'd seen her frustration, whether or not she tried to hide it.

"Caleb Brown," she continued. She shuttered at that memory too. Seeing Caleb fire at her husband in her kitchen, before she'd gunned him down and her own world went black.

Castle added his name without a word. He was too painfully familiar with that one.

"What about others, like William Bracken? Jerry Tyson? Vulcan Simmons. Am I indirectly responsible for killing them too?"

"Let's stick to the direct list for now, luckily it's not too long."

"What were you expecting?"

He stopped typing again. "I was kidding."

Beckett fisted her hands, unable to muster a smile. Not now, when she was starting to wonder how many lives she'd harmed, or even destroyed, in the last six years.

"Hey-" His hand was on her shoulder, grounding her. "It was a joke. A stupid, badly timed joke. I'm sorry."

She closed her eyes and exhaled. She was being ridiculous. Of course it was a joke. "Me too." She was an over-sensitive powder keg lately, ready to explode at the mere mention of a spark.

Castle's fingers pressed into her shoulders. "You're _so_ tense."

"I know." She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Or at least pretend for him. "But every day some horrible new thing comes to the surface. And-" She paused not sure whether she wanted to admit this to him. "Sometimes I feel like my body's still craving something and I don't know what it is. I even don't want to know. I just want the feeling to go away. The restlessness."

"Ah…" He looked sombre now and she felt bad for it. Seemed like it was all she did lately. Bring him down. "The drugs he gave you."

"Maybe." She wished she hadn't mentioned it. Feeling bad for the concern on his face. "It'll go away. I know. I'm impatient, that's all."

"Hang on," Castle told her, getting up from his chair to stand behind hers, his feet shoulder width apart, planting himself there. "Maybe I can give you a fix of something else."

Suddenly his hands were on her shoulders, beginning to knead her too-tight muscles.

She didn't protest because he was so good at this, digging his hands into her knots, tackling every one of them with the perfect amount of pressure. A groan escaped her lips when his thumb pushed into a particularly tight spot, circling it and then pressing into it again. Hard and deep.

"Right there?"

"Oh God yes…right there."

With expert precision he loosened one knot after another, draining the tension out of her. She leaned her head to one side to give him better access but the hood on her sweatshirt kept getting in the way, and Castle kept swatting it aside.

"If you want to take this bulky thing off for a few minutes, then I can really work my magic."

"Mmm…"

Amusement lined his eyes. "Is that a yes?"

"Uh huh…" She raised her increasingly rubbery arms and let him pull it off. There wasn't much she wouldn't agree to right now.

The hoodie slipped off over her head and a whiff of cool air ghosted her abdomen when he nearly yanked off the t-shirt she wore underneath it too.

"Sorry."

"S'okay." Beckett's fingertips got a hold of its edge and she pulled it back down, catching a hitch in Castle's breath coming from behind her. He paused before continuing where he left off. He took his time, working his way from her shoulders down along her arms and then moving on to her upper back, before the pressure in his touch eased off. Tapering into something softer and gentler until his hands finally came to rest on her shoulders.

"Better?" He'd bent down to whisper the question into her ears.

"Mmm." Better was an understatement. She was ready to melt into the chair. To drift off into bliss.

"I always know I've done good when I reduce you to monosyllables."

Truth was, she wished he hadn't stopped. She wanted drape herself over the top of his bed and let him continue. Lower. Down her back. Her legs. Her…

He'd done it more than once. Treated her to candlelit full-body massages. Sometimes it was to make-up after a fight or just to maker her forget a terrible day at the precinct. A way to make her forget and then bring her back to life.

"Castle…?" She wanted to ask if maybe he could- no, no, no. _What the hell was she thinking?_

"What?"

She bit her lip. Tried to ignore the desire brewing inside her. "Nothing."

His thumb stroked the back of her neck. "You sure?"

A lazy smile draped her lips and as her head gravitated to his touch and to the warmth of his skin. Everything about the way he touched her felt like coming home. She let her head sink towards his hand, until her cheek brushed the top of his fingers, flushing it with sudden heat.

She hadn't expected the fingers of his other hand to migrate up into the base of her skull. Weaving into her hair. He still had a large Band-Aid in the palm of his hand, from where he'd cut it and it tickled her scalp. Made her shiver at the reminder of what caused it.

Goosebumps ran up her arms, because the way he was touching her now was different. This wasn't about helping her relax or undoing the knots in her shoulders anymore.

It sent a spark of electricity through her body and it suddenly heightened all her senses, making her keenly aware of his scent. Earthy and masculine _. Familiar_.

She leaned further into his hand and allowed her lips graze his skin, parting them slightly. Just enough so that she could almost taste him.

 _Please don't stop._

He trembled in response, and then quickly slid his hand off her shoulder. As though it was contaminated.

His reaction made her swivel around in her chair to face him, unable to hide her disappointment. "You don't want-?"

Nothing about the way he looked at her now suggested he didn't.

"Yes," he whispered back. "I do. I do want. You have no idea. But…"

Relief flooded her. At least it wasn't _that_. "We shouldn't and I'm a mess, I know."

"We both are."

It was wrong and much too soon.

She wasn't good for him right now. They shouldn't even be thinking about this.

But Beckett couldn't bring herself to care.

Not much had felt right since she'd come back to the land of the living. But this did. It always would. They'd always had to earn their intimacy. They had to wait for it and fight for it.

She pushed herself up onto her knees on the chair, so that her arms could snake around his neck. An uncontrollable warmth filled her belly when she saw the desire in his eyes. "Screw it. All of it."

"If we do, you have to promise me, no regrets."

"Then you have to promise me the same."

He answered by wrapping his arms around her with a smile that lit up his entire face, and her entire world, pulling her body up against his.

As if she could ever regret loving him.

Her lips collided with his, washing away the last of his doubts. She let her tongue roam and his did the same. Rediscovering and reclaiming her. Reminding her how much she loved kissing this man who loved so freely and so well.

She didn't stop when she got off the chair and back onto her feet, standing onto the tips of her toes to narrow the height difference between them. He was warm and inviting. His hands were underneath her t-shirt now, pressing into her flesh, merging them closer still.

 _I'm taking you back, Rick. Not letting you go again._

Her hands began to undo the buttons on his shirt, because she desperately needed to feel his skin against hers. All of it.

"Castle," she groaned into his mouth.

"Kate," he mumbled back, taking in just enough air to allow him to start kissing her all over again.

" _Castle_ ," it was a plea. "I can't get this off you, if you don't stop for a second." She was going to explode. The way he was touching her, kissing her, still knowing exactly what drove her wild. It was unravelling her. Undoing her. Every inch of her skin was on fire.

"Let me undress you first."

"No. Get these clothes off. _Please_."

He grinned and purposely slowed down, sat back down in the chair and pulled her down with him, so that she straddled him and then slowly, meticulously eased off her t-shirt, exploring all the newly exposed skin with his lips. Enjoying how much it heightened her anticipation.

Then he expertly unhooked the clasp of her bra and stood back up again, but this time she didn't let go. Her legs were wrapped around his thighs before he eased her back down on his desk.

The smooth, flat surface was hard against her spine and shoulder blades but she was oblivious to everything but the hunger in his eyes as he hovered over her and slowly slid off her bra and cupped her breasts in his hands. One of his thumbs started a circular massage before he eased himself down on her.

He was close enough that she could she slide her hands under his jaw and pull him back up toward her face. Too many unbearable seconds had already elapsed since she'd felt the rough skin of his cheeks against hers. Since she'd tasted him.

But he resisted the pull of her lips and his mouth made its way down to her breasts, and, _oh God_ , that was even better. The way they responded to nips of his teeth and the pressure of his tongue, before he led a trail of kisses lower, over her trembling abdomen and lower still.

It was only when he paused that she re-opened her eyes and took in that sensory pleasure too, the sight of his beautiful face looking up at her. Wanting her so bad.

"Slow is better," he teased, before darting his tongue into her navel.

She clenched her fists and arched her back. It gave Castle the chance to rise back up and slip an arm underneath her, when all she wanted was for him to continue. Lower. Slow was so overrated. "Asshole."

He pulled her back into his embrace. "Love you too."

"Castle-" she groaned. She was _so_ ready.

"Bed. Not here," he insisted. "Not on the desk. Not after six years." His breathing was as heavy as hers. Much as he liked tormenting her, he was just as ready to go beyond all this foreplay as she was.

"Guess I'm not sleeping in the guest bedroom."

"I don't care what bedroom we go to. What I'm hoping for is very little sleeping."


	32. Chapter 32

**32**

 _Castle residence, NYC_

In spite of Castle's best intentions, they didn't make it to the bedroom for the first round.

She'd pulled his jeans over his ass, cursing at how impossibly long it took to undress him and the slew of colourful words that came from gorgeous mouth were arousing him as much as her breasts. His mouth his hands and mouth had already gravitated towards them as they always did, even as she'd guided them lower.

"Screw the bed," she'd husked into his ear. "Please. _Now_."

"Fuck, Kate. I wanted this to be…"

"After," she'd cut him off. "Not now."

He hadn't needed any more prompting and pushed her against the nearest wall. Pinned her into it with his body and pushed up hard against her. She'd kissed him again before he slowly extricated his mouth from her hungry lips and sank down to his knees so quickly that he could have sworn he'd seen sparks caused by the friction of her skin against his. Kate tilted her head back, and allowed his tongue to begin a slow downward trail, along her slender neck, stopping for a delicious pause over her breasts, before continuing over the subtle rise of her belly and lower still. She'd grabbed hold of his hair, once he was on his knees, weaving her fingers through it and bunching it in her hands. His tongue slid into her and it was electric, the way her entire body had shuddered in response.

His tongue circled and stroked and licked and he marvelled at the sweet, familiar taste of her. Until she'd arched her back and gasped. Then he'd straightened his legs and stood back up against her, equally desperate for her now, as hard as she was wet. He'd felt her teeth biting into his shoulder, before her legs snaked around his to steady her trembling body.

It wasn't long before he was inside her. Before they came undone together. Rocking and quivering until even his own calves and thighs were shaking and in need of support.

They'd sunk down to the floor together afterwards, in a giant inelegant lump. Lungs gasping for air as though they'd run a marathon.

"Feels like you missed me," he'd teased, breathlessly, shifting his body to accommodate the way she pretzeled into him, her long arms wrapping themselves over him possessively.

Her teeth nipped at an earlobe. "You have no idea."

Eventually, when his legs stopped shaking, he stumbled back up and held out his hand to pull Kate back into his embrace.

" _Bed_ ," he'd insisted, yanking off the comforter when they got into the master bedroom and falling onto the mattress first, before pulling her down on top of him, wanting to drown in the weight of her. To re-acquaint himself with every inch and every curve and start memorizing them anew, because her body had changed. Because it didn't feel right, to no longer know her as intimately as he used to.

It was much slower in bed. Tender and languorous. Sheets and limbs that slowly wrapped up in each other in an unhurried journey of rediscovery. It reminded him of the early days of their relationship, when there was reverence and gratitude in every touch.

But there was talk and giggling too and that surprised and relieved him. Because until tonight, he wasn't sure whether she was still capable of that kind of playful joy.

There was also champagne at one point, pulled from a watery bucket of melted ice in the middle of the night and consumed mostly to quench their thirst, before they fell back asleep in each other's arms.

Sunlight was starting to filter through the windows when he woke up, only to find her awake already, nestled in the crook of his arm, staring at him.

"Someone once told me that's creepy," he yawned. "Staring at her while she's sleeping."

A smile raised her lips. "Indulge me. It's been over six years since I woke up to your ruggedly handsome face."

"More rugged than handsome now."

Her beautiful eyes drank him in. Unapologetically. "I love your face."

She still had that ability. To render him speechless with a single look.

Her index finger traced the outline of his lips, until he caught it between his teeth and let his tongue guide it into his mouth.

"Among other things of yours that I love."

Her warm, soft, naked flesh slid down alongside his and she ducked under the covers with a grin. He could see the outline of her head between his legs, a big light-bulb shaped bump rising underneath the comforter in his line of vision. It wasn't the only thing that was rising.

Oh, he was definitely awake now.

Castle tossed off the covers and reached for her. Pulled her back up to him and was turned on even more by the lust in her eyes.

"One more?"

It was a rhetorical question. Instigator and culprit that she was, she knew damn well how ready he now was for another round. Grabbing her upper arms, he turned her over until he was on top. Bent down to kiss her again before they made love one more time.

They both dozed off again afterwards, but not for long.

This time it was the alarm on his phone that buzzed him into wakefulness. He turned to his side and contentment flooded him at the sight of the naked back and the head of dark, messy hair that greeted him. He soaked it in for a minute because whenever he gave himself a second to think about it, it still took his breath away. That this was real and not a dream.

She really was back. Alive. Breathing. Lying naked next to him.

It sent chills down his spine. Because having her back meant that there was a chance he could lose her again, and he knew he couldn't survive that a second time.

Kate stirred in her sleep. It was either a delayed reaction to his iPhone alarm, or a response to his wildly pounding heart.

Turning over onto her back she looked up at him with sleep-drunk eyes. "Hey…"

"Hey back."

She stretched her arm towards him, her palm cupping his jaw when it was close enough. He leaned into her touch before circled her wrist with his fingers before pulling her hand up to his lips.

"Is it time to get up?" she asked.

"Uh huh," he was too distracted by her to focus on much else. Her lips, her breasts, the way she was looking at him.

He wanted to make love to her again, in daylight this time. He'd always preferred sex in daylight especially as he got older, because his innate curiosity liked to catalogue all the little details that his aging vision missed at night. Like the way her eyes changed colour when he made her climax. The specks of green and gold that accompanied her ecstasy. The white of her lips when she bit into them. Minute details that the writer in him wanted to put into words when it was all over. Not that he'd ever be able to adequately put into words all the things he felt when he had her in his arms.

But in the past, there were details that she wasn't keen on him seeing after being shot a second time. Scars that made her self-conscious even though he didn't care about them, because he now had a fair share of his own, thanks to Caleb Brown.

There were other details now, ones that made him uncomfortable, in spite of the beauty that overshadowed them. The fact that he could see every one of her ribs. New scars on her back, that hadn't healed yet, and maybe never would.

"Hey," her index finger still toyed with his lips, before she pushed herself up onto her elbows, the ends of her hair tickling his bicep. "Why so serious? What are you thinking?"

"How beautiful you are."

She rolled her eyes and sank her head down onto his chest. "Liar."

"Not a lie. It's the truth."

"Wasn't what you were thinking though."

"Oh, you're a mind reader now?" He grinned and kissed the top of her head. "I should get up. Get Lily ready for school. She loves ignoring her alarm and going back to sleep. Just like her Dad."

Kate tossed back the rest of the covers. "Let me do it. I promised her I'd walk her to school today."

"You'll make her breakfast too? Then bring me leftovers in bed?"

"You're pushing it."

"You know you want to," he chuckled as she jumped out of the bed and then turned out and rewarded him with an amused look on her face. One that suggested he wasn't entirely wrong.

She was glowing. Happy. And he was the cause.

It left a grin plastered on his face even as she vanished from the bedroom.

Meanwhile, Beckett tiptoed into the study to search for the trail of clothes she'd left behind there, grateful that no one else was up yet. Even though Martha was the one who suggested she come back to the loft, this wasn't how Kate wanted to see her mother-in-law. Stumbling naked out of her son's bedroom.

She found underwear and jeans and slipped into them both, realizing then how sore she was. It was a good ache, because it made her want to believe that this really was the first time in six years. That of all the horrible things she couldn't remember, _this_ …this wasn't one of them.

It sent a chill up her spine and raised a steady row of goosebumps up her arms. One that had nothing to do with the fact that she was naked from the waist up.

Kate couldn't see her t-shirt anywhere, but she did spot one of Castle's shirts, draped over a chair, so she reached for it and brought it up to her face before putting it on, wanted to revel in the scent of him for a moment longer before leaving behind the joy of the last few hours.

He was right. She did want to bring them breakfast in bed afterwards, to sink back into his body and stay like that all day. Richard Castle really was that intoxicating. Her drug of choice.

His shirt swam on her, even more so than they used to, but it was soft and warm and all she needed to do was roll up the sleeves to make is passable attire underneath her hoodie.

Beckett made her way into the living room, about to head upstairs to see whether her daughter was awake, when she heard a key turning in the lock of the door.

It jumpstarted her heart and made it race so fast that Beckett wished she had a gun.

 _Key. They have a key,_ she reassured the frazzled panic circuits firing off wildly in her brain. _A killer won't come in here with a key, you idiot._

Massive relief coursed through her when she saw Alexis Castle coming through the door and entering the loft.

" _Kate_?" Rick's daughter seemed very surprised to see her.

"Alexis," she smiled, forcing herself to calm down. She was breathing as though she just sprinted two-hundred yards.

But more than that, she was happy to see Alexis. She barely had a chance to say hello to her woman when she'd first seen her again at the hospital in Albany and she hadn't seen her since.

Kate wanted to pull her into a hug, congratulate her on the baby and ask her a million other questions. About her fiancé and whether she was still in school or working and where she was living now. But she fought back the urge, not entirely sure whether she was supposed to know about the pregnancy. Instead, she allowed herself a good look at the girl she still considered family. Still loved.

She'd changed in six years. Matured from a rosy-cheeked teenager to a beautiful young woman. Her face had lost its some of its roundness, the contours sharper and more defined now, and her hair was longer and lighter than Beckett remembered. There was a world-weariness in her gaze too, so very different from the youthful optimism that she used to brim with.

"Kate." Alexis was clutching her car keys. "I'm sorry…I came to have breakfast with Lily. I just…" She was tongue-tied too. "I really wasn't expecting you here this morning."

She'd hoped that maybe Alexis would approach her and offer her the hug that Kate was dying to give. But she didn't and something about the young woman's expression made her hold off.

"I'm glad you came by," Kate told her. "Why don't you join us for breakfast? I'm gonna to head upstairs to see if Lily's up."

"Did you…?" Alexis stared at her as though making a connection she didn't want to make. "Did you stay the night?"

The question caught Beckett off guard. So did the guilt that suddenly swamped her. "I, uh…yeah." She decided to downplay it. "Your Dad and I did some brainstorming last night. By the time we were done, it was late. So I stayed here. In the guest bedroom." Why she felt compelled to throw in that lie, Kate wasn't sure. It was probably the hurt she saw on Alexis's face.

"So you stayed in the guest bedroom, which is upstairs, but now you're going _upstairs_ to see if my sister's awake?"

This was starting to feel like an interrogation.

"I, uh…I came downstairs to make a coffee."

Alexis shot a quick glance towards the kitchen and tossed that ridiculous lie out the window when she saw that the coffee machine was untouched. It made Kate wish that she hadn't dug herself into this hole.

"Yet there's no coffee brewing," Alexis said softly. It was a rebuke, reminding Kate that she was too smart for white lies as pathetic as this.

Kate exhaled, desperately wanting to start all over. "I uh, I don't know what you want me to tell you, Alexis."

"You don't have to tell me anything," Alexis replied, making no move to step any further into the loft. "But maybe don't play me for a fool. Not while you're standing here barefoot and braless, wearing my Dad's shirt."

Kate didn't know what to say.

Even Alexis seemed taken aback by her own words. "Look," she mumbled. "You don't owe me an explanation. You really don't. But you do know Dad and Hayley have been separated for about five minutes, right? I thought maybe you'd wait a week or two before you pounced on him. That's all."

"Pounced?" Kate stared at her in disbelief. This was so unexpected and it hurt.

For an instant she saw regret in the young woman's face, but Alexis was still clutching onto her car keys as though she wanted to channel all her frustrations into them. "I should go."

Kate wanted her to go. Wanted the self-righteous accusatory glare out of her face, but at the same time she knew they couldn't leave it like this. Knew she had to say something to make this right. This was Rick's daughter, after all. "Alexis, wait…"

But Alexis didn't. She turned on her heel without another word and left the loft as quickly as she'd entered it.

She'd left Beckett shell-shocked when Castle padded into the living room, wearing a robe. "I heard you talking. Is Mother up already?"

The sting of tears were threatening behind her eyes, so she blinked hard before turning to him. Shaking her head. "No."

"Hey," Castle saw right through her, as he always did. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Kate?" He lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. "Who were you talking to?"

"Alexis was here."

"Alexis?" Castle's hand tightened into a fist, sensing what this might be about. Why she looked like she was close to tears.

"She, uh, I guess she didn't expect me to be here. Not like this…" Beckett hugged herself.

"What did she say?' Angers coursed through him. He was going to call his daughter over here and make her realize once and for all that this was not all right. No matter how much he loved her, no matter how hard of a time she was having in her personal life right now or how close she was to Hayley.

"She's right," Kate replied. "I shouldn't be here. Not yet. It's wrong on so many levels and what we did last night, we shouldn't…"

He grabbed her arms. "Stop that. Right now."

Kate stared at him.

"We made each other a promise last night. Did you forget that already?"

"Castle, no, but…"

"No buts. No regrets. I've missed you for six years and last night…it was _everything_. I sure as hell hope you don't regret that. No matter what misguided things my daughter might have said to you."

She finally mustered a smile, before letting him pull her into his space. "No. No regrets."

"Good." He squeezed her arm and then leaned in to kiss her lips, in case she needed a reminder of a different kind. "Alexis," he told her. "She's Hayley's best friend and she's going through a heck of a time now with her fiancé and her pregnancy. Doesn't make it right and doesn't mean I'll let her off the hook, but she's not herself right now."

"Rick," she stood on her toes to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear. "Please don't fight with her over this. Don't even mention it. I'll talk to her."

"I…" he frowned. "I'm not sure I can promise you that."

"Please?"

He kissed her again, a quick peck on her forehead. "No promises."

"Please?"

"Go see if Lily's up, I'll make breakfast."

* * *

 _Chelsea, NYC_

Alexis had planned to have breakfast with Lily this morning and then talk to her father. Because she wanted to mend fences. Wanted to ask him if he needed any help at the PI agency now that Hayley had left.

 _So much for that,_ she thought.

Instead, she was sitting alone at the Bean and Bean coffeeshop in Chelsea, with a Nutella doughssant and large decaf latte on the table in front of her. The doughssant was this café's version of was what known more commonly as the Cronut, in Manhattan fad-food circles.

She cringed at the thought of her earlier exchange with Kate Beckett, if one could even call it that.

She'd been out of line and she knew it, even though the thought of Beckett already hooking up with her father again definitely rubbed her the wrong way.

Whether it was the crazy pregnancy hormones, or sheer fatigue; there was something about seeing Beckett at the loft this morning, wearing her father's shirt, that had set her off.

Maybe if she hadn't spent the last two days consoling her best friend she wouldn't have reacted the way she had. But she'd seen Hayley shed too many tears over the end of her marriage in the last 48 hours to not be bothered by it.

She'd accompanied Hayley to JFK last night and said her goodbyes to a friend who'd been a huge constant in her life for the past five years, unsure when she'd see her again.

" _I'm sorry, Alexis, but I need to get out of New York. Out of America for while, because everything here makes me think of your father, and it hurts."_

Alexis hadn't blamed Hayley for wanting to leave New York. She'd probably have done the same in her situation, but it didn't lessen the sadness of losing her best friend and confidante.

It wasn't even that she disliked Kate Beckett. The detective had always been kind to her, even before she'd started dating her father. Maybe it didn't resemble the closeness she had with Hayley, but Alexis's relationship with Kate had always been a good one. Built on kindness and mutual respect.

 _Until this morning,_ Alexis thought, wincing anew at the recollection and nearly losing her appetite for the mouth-watering pastry on her table.

She hadn't just been out of line, Alexis realized. She'd been a downright bitch. _To Lily's mother._ That was the thought that tormented her the most. The realization that she'd been cruel to her little sister's mother.

It was one thing she never wanted to risk, the bond she had with that girl, and yet she'd done it this morning. It didn't matter that she wasn't crazy about her father's choices or the ease with which he'd left her best friend, but Alexis knew she had to find a way to fix this, before she lost the only family she had left. A family that now included Kate Beckett again, whether she liked it or not.

Alexis pulled her phone out of her purse and checked her old messages to get Beckett's phone number. A fresh wave of guilt came over her because she'd never returned any of the messages.

She keyed in the number and steeled herself for the possibility that Beckett might actually answer the call.

She didn't, and Alexis exhaled a sigh of relief.

It went straight to voicemail. A generic message from the cell provider letting her know that Kate hadn't bothered to personalize it yet.

Alexis waited for the beep and felt her stomach churn.

 _Not now, baby. Please._

"Kate…it's Alexis. I'm calling to apologize for this morning. I didn't mean what I said and if you'll let me, I'd really like to tell you in person. Please call me back." Alexis left her number and wished she'd said more than that, or said it more eloquently or…something.

She gave her giant latte a woeful look.

Most of all she wished she could turn back time and restart this entire morning.

What she didn't expect was to see a familiar face at the café.

"Hello, Alexis." The man greeted her warmly, as he always did.

"Oh, hi," Alexis mumbled back with a forced smile, hoping he was just passing through because she was definitely not in the mood for small talk.

But her hopes were crushed when he tentatively pulled up a chair across from her. "May I?"

* * *

 _Castle Private Investigations,_

 _NYC_

 _Later_

Castle had been at it for nearly four hours, making dozens of phone calls and digging through cyberspace, using his PI access for certain search channels that weren't accessible to the general public. But he still wished that he was back at the 12th, where he'd be able to dig even deeper.

Even though Beckett was convinced that he was on a wild goose chase.

Even though there were three pressing cases sitting on his desk that demanded his attention.

Attention that no one else was around to give because he'd split up with his partner. Hard-earned clients which he'd soon lose if he didn't focus on them instead of his personal quests.

Castle didn't care about any of it because this was too important. The man who took Kate was still out there, and he was taunting her and most likely waiting for another chance to strike.

They _had_ to find him before he did.

So what if Beckett was convinced that he was on the wrong track? Castle was starting to think otherwise.

He'd started with Kelly Nieman and hadn't veered any farther, because now, after searching through her past relationships (There were surprisingly few. No one that she appeared to be involved with for more than a few months) and her parents (A deceased father and a mother living in a nursing home on Long Island) there was one man he was already hung up on. Her only brother; Dr. Nicholas Christopher Nieman, who was seven years younger than her.

Like his sister, Nick Nieman was off-the-charts smart. Scholarship to Columbia. PhD in Chemistry. A plum job as a research scientist at a giant pharmaceutical company right after he finished his doctorate.

But after that, things got murky.

He left that job less than a year later and held on to his next one for only sixteen months. His inability to hold on to a job wasn't so much a post-graduate slump, but more like a life-long trend for the guy.

The longest he'd kept any job was two years and his reference had always been his sister. In fact, his last known job had been at a research hospital where Kelly Nieman did two days of surgical rotations a week.

Nicholas Nieman would be in his early forties now, but there was barely any personal information that Castle was able to ferret out. No wife. No partner. No children. No home ownership.

In fact, he was let go from his last traceable job shortly after Nieman's death, and from there on, there was nothing. It was as though he'd disappeared from the face of the Earth.

A buzzer noise distracted Castle from the seven browser windows that were open on his laptop and jerked him out of the virtual world back into the real one. The one where he noticed a nearly full cup of cold coffee and a half-eaten sandwich lying on his desk.

He pressed the intercom. "Castle Investigations, who is it?" But his gaze was already on the monitor that aired the camera feed from the hallway and he let her in before she answered.

"Hey," he greeted her with a smile and got up from the chair he'd been glued to that last four hours, noticing only then how stiff he was. Noticing something else too. "You changed your hair."

Beckett returned his smile. "You like it?"

His eyes took it in. She'd changed the colour. Layered and lightened it and the sunlight that filtered into the room gave it a golden glow. It a beautiful, stylish cut too. Gone were the dark, uncontrollable strands that he remembered so well from last night. He did like it. A lot. "Love it. Looks like you."

"Feels like me again."

He took a step towards her so he could run his fingers through it. "Let me see."

She leaned into his touch. Soft and warm as weaved a hand through her hair. It made him want to close the blinds and turn down the lights. Would they ever have enough time together to make up for six lost years?

But he fought the urge and sat back down into his chair, pulling her onto his lap. "How was the first therapy session?"

She groaned. "Useless."

"How come?"

Beckett snaked an arm around his neck. "Well, for starters she couldn't help me remember anything and that's the reason I went."

"The main reason, not the only reason."

"And then she suggested I try anti-anxiety medication because I'm too tense. Too anxious."

"Did you ask her how calm she'd be if a psycho-killer kept texting her?"

Her fingers ran along his thigh. "Maybe I should've. But seriously, I need to remember, so I'll give it a try. I'm willing to try anything at this point."

Castle swiped a kiss onto her temple, because it had moved so irresistibly close to his lips. "Maybe if you did give your brain a chance to relax, the memories might come more easily."

She sat up straight, pushing herself away from his chest. "You think?"

He shrugged. "Might not hurt. Doesn't have to be drugs either. Could be other things."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

He grinned. " _Meditation_. I was thinking of meditation. Yoga. Something like that."

"Uh huh."

"What you're thinking that I'm thinking is not going to be relaxing. I promise you that."

"Oh yes?" Desire burned in her eyes. Amusement too. He noticed then that she was wearing make-up. Not much. But a soft lipstick. Some mascara. Something new that made her skin glow. Foundation? Toner? What the hell did he know about make-up anyway? It made him happy though, the thought that he had a hand in this change. That maybe they stood a chance after all, of putting all this behind them one day and moving forward. A chance at something resembling a normal life again.

"Come home with me again tonight?"

He felt her body tense.

"I don't think it's a good idea. Alexis was right. It's too soon."

"No, it wasn't." Anger flared in his gut. "Alexis was wrong and way out of line and she does _not_ get to decide how much time you spend in _our_ home or whom I invite into my bedroom."

Beckett smirked, unperturbed by his sudden irritation. "Is that what that was last night? An invitation into your bedroom?"

Castle cringed. "You're changing the topic."

"Maybe we could spend a day in the Hamptons," she suggested. "Just you. me and Lily." Her index finger now traced the ends of the band-aid on his palm in a tender circle. "The therapist said the nightmares might get more frequent. I don't want you or Lily around at night when that happens."

"What do mean by that?"

"Exactly what I said. I won't risk hurting you again. Or Lily."

"Do I have any say in this?"

"No." She pushed herself off his lap and went to grab a chair, moving it next to him.

"You're not going through this alone, Kate," he turned to make sure she was looking at him. She wasn't. "I don't want you back in our lives just for sex and day trips to the Hamptons."

"What's wrong with those two?"

"Kate," he grabbed her wrist and forced her to meet his gaze. "Not funny." Sometime soon he'd have to tell that that he'd sold his house in the Hamptons. Keeping it hadn't been an option after four years of barely working and spending all his resources trying to find her. But he wasn't going to mention _that_ right now. "We said we were going to be partners in life, and all the ups and down that entails, not just in crime. You can't do that if you're scared to sleep under the same roof."

"You're bringing up our wedding vows? Really?" Beckett sighed. "Neither of us are wearing rings anymore, Rick."

He didn't care about rings. Their relationship had always been so much more than a wedding license and a pair of gold bands. "Kate-"

She put a finger over his lips. "I love you, Rick and I so badly want to be a part of your life and Lily's, your whole family. But you were right last night. I'm a mess and it is too soon."

"Someone is still out there, threatening you! At least stay with us while that's the case. I don't care if you have to lock yourself in the guest bedroom if that makes you feel better. Just stay with us until we catch this guy and then we'll go from there."

"Can we talk about this later?" She pulled the chair closer, enough so that he swore he detected a hint of cherries. Or maybe he was imagining it. "Tell me if you found anything."

"I am going to talk about it later. Just so you know."

"Castle," she tightened her lips. "Focus?"

"I got hung up on Nieman's brother."

"Kelly Nieman had a brother?"

"A creepy, genius brother. Dr. Nicholas Christopher Nieman."

"A whole family of brilliant psychopaths?"

"Something like that. Take a look," Castle showed her what he'd dug up so far and watched her reading his notes on the computer and then browsing through some of the windows that were open on the computer. She was so engrossed in it that she didn't notice that all his attention was on her.

"This is weird," she agreed. "Everything about him is weird." She pointed to a photograph on the screen. "I noticed the date, it's twenty years ago. Is there no more recent photo of him?" The man in the photograph was plain for lack of a better word. Light brown hair, brown eyes, a round face with high cheekbones that resembled those of his late sister. Even the shirt he wore was a plain grey colour. He was the kind of man who wouldn't stand out in a crowd.

"I can't find _anything_ recent about him."

"It wouldn't be unusual if he changed his name and left the country," she mused. "Happens often with spouses and family members of particularly notorious killers. Nieman and Tyson fell into that category. The remaining family members want to start new lives without the stain of that name."

"Leave the country or disappear from the face of the Earth?"

"If he left the country and changed his name, it would be harder to find him. I'm more curious why he never kept a job more than a year."

"I made a bunch of phone calls to personnel departments but you know how it is. They don't give out that info. Especially not over the phone, but I think I could have better luck in person. The last place he worked was here in New York City."

"You and all that charm?"

"You mocking me?"

Beckett chuckled. "Yes."

"You watch me."

"Maybe take along Javi or Kevin? Might help having a badge instead of a PI license to back you up. But let's do some more digging first and see if we can track him down." She eyed his half-eaten sandwich. "Do you mind if I have a bite?"

"Have the whole thing," he told her. "I'll make a fresh pot of coffee." This would take some more time.

"Castle," she'd already broken off a piece of his sandwich. "Do you _really_ think we're on to something? That would have been a hell of hunch."

He was pouring a cup of freshly roasted beans into his expensive Swiss coffee maker. "I honestly don't know," he admitted. He wasn't quite ready to jump to the far-fetched conclusion that Kelly Nieman's brother had kidnapped Beckett. Or been involved in several other killings.

But he knew he'd feel a lot better as soon as they tracked the guy down.

* * *

 _Andrew Carnegie Elementary Academy, NYC_

"Look who is here?"

Lily Castle's face lit up when she saw her swim coach in the school hallway. "Neek!"

The big Russian scooped her up into a hug. "How is my best swimmer?"

Lily was still grinning after he set her back down. "What are you doing here? You never come to my school."

"Did your mother not tell you?"

Lily shook her head. "Tell me what?"

"She say you can come to collegiate to see the practice."

"Seriously?" Her teacher had told her that they got a call that Grandma wouldn't be picking her up today. She thought she'd said it was her mother who would pick her up, but in fairness she hadn't really been paying attention. Scott, who sat two seats ahead of her was making these weird, funny faces face, distracting her on purpose. Why did boys have to be like that? Because _this_ she would have remembered. This would have made it impossible to think about anything else for the rest of the afternoon.

She'd wanted this for so long. To prove that she could compete at the next level and be even better. Swimming meant the world to her because it was the one place where she stood out. Where she was better than anyone else.

She did well at school, but there were others who did better. She was okay in piano too, but she didn't really like it. Not that she'd ever tell Grandma, who loved to see her play, even when she messed up her notes.

She wasn't the prettiest or most popular girl either. That role belonged to her best friend, Taylor, who actually looked like the singer they both loved, and whom she shared her name with. Sometimes Lily got jealous, because she wanted to look like that too, but most of the time she didn't care. Because she loved Taylor, and being her best friend meant Lily got to take part in all the cool things Taylor did. Every now and then it meant she was a little bit cool too.

But swimming, swimming was _her_ thing. It was the one thing that no one else at her school did better and she was going to do whatever it took to keep it that way.

But her excitement suddenly mixed with panic. "I don't have my swim suit, Neek."

He grinned. "Eees, okay. Your mother is meeting you there. She bring your suit."

"Okay," it took a moment for the relief to set in, before the excitement came rushing back. "Okay." Her grin matched his. This was amazing. Her coach was taking her, _only her_ , to a practice with high school seniors.

She couldn't wait to tell Taylor.

 _Later_

"Is it really that far?"

Lily knew that the collegiate was outside of the city, in the suburbs somewhere. It was one of the reasons that her father was against her going. Because she'd get home too late on school nights.

But she didn't think it was _this_ far.

It felt like they'd been driving forever.

They did stop at a Dunkin' Donuts for hot chocolate and a donut but she was getting hungry. And sleepy.

Dad usually had a snack for her after school. Cheese, crackers, popcorn, fruits. He liked to snack a lot more than she did.

Lily nestled back into her seat, staring out the window at first and then turning to her coach. "What did you tell my mom that made my Dad say yes?" she wanted to know. She'd been begging and pleading with her father for months with no luck.

"She say you are too good swimmer not to go."

"That's it?" She was so tired it was literally hard to keep her eyes open. Why was she so tired?

"Maybe your father has hard time to say no to your mother?"

Lily's lips curled into a smile as her eyes closed against her will. That was probably true. Her Mom seemed to have a lot of pull over her Dad, maybe more than anyone else. She liked the way her Dad looked at her Mom.

Because her Mom looked so much like her, but Dad still looked at her as though she was the coolest person in the world.

"My Mom's pretty cool, isn't she?" Lily mumbled, her words slurring because she was so tired. Maybe if she had a nap before they got there? Because she couldn't be too tired for this. She wanted it way too badly.

"Your mother? No." She could hear Neek's breathing above the din of the passing cars outside. "She's not cool."

He sounded different. Like his accent was gone. Or maybe she was dreaming.

"Your mother did terrible things."

* * *

 **A/N:** Hadn't really planned to take a posting break last week, but this month has been kicking my butt and has reduced my writing time more than I'd hoped. So, unfortunately it'll probably be two weeks from now until the next chapter. On the flip side, the story has only a handful of chapters left and I'm also trying to make these remaining chapters longer. Thank you for your patience. :))

Thank you also to my awesome proof-reader, WRTRD, for continuing to look over all these chapters, often at the last minute. You rock.


	33. Chapter 33

**33**

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, New York City_

"This is not good," Javier read through the forensics report for the third time. He'd already called and asked them to triple check and all he got was an arrogant "we know how to do our jobs" response.

Ryan sat across from him, looking sombre. "We have to bring her in. Before Yamato gives us the order and makes us look like slackers. Or worse, accomplices."

Esposito leaned across his desk. "So her DNA's on the victim, so what? If she was held captive together with her, if he beat them both, that's how Beckett's blood got on the vic."

"That's one possible theory," Ryan whispered, after seeing another detective eye them from across the bullpen. Rumours were rampant at the precinct lately. Malicious rumours about their former Captain's disappearance and others about how her former partners were incapable of handling this case with any sort of objectivity. "The other being that she had something to do with her death."

"What the-"

"You know she's like a sister to me, but the stuff we're finding, _all of it_ , it keeps pointing to her. Video showing she wasn't captive at all. A guy that says she stabbed and nearly killed him. Her prints and now her DNA at a murder scene."

"You think six years in captivity by some psychopath who's still taunting her wasn't going to be weird? Complicated? We just haven't figured everything out yet."

"The guy pumped her full of drugs. That much we know. How do we know what anyone, including Beckett, would do in that scenario?"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying..." Ryan's lowered his voice even further. "What the guys are saying isn't wrong. We haven't been treating her as a suspect. _Because it's Beckett_."

Esposito's nostrils flared, as they did sometimes when he was irritated. "A suspect for what exactly?"

"Seriously?" Ryan raised his brows. "How about assault for starters? Possibly even murder."

* * *

 _Richard Castle Investigations, NYC_

They started to build a case around him.

Castle was right. Personnel departments wouldn't give out any information as to why Dr. Nicholas Nieman left, not because they were protecting his confidentiality so much as their own reputations.

But the people who worked with him were a different story.

They dug up a list of names and reached out to them. Fellow researchers who worked on the same research teams as Nieman did.

They were scattered all over the country, much like Nieman's former places of employment. But his last workplace, according to their growing paper trail, was right here in New York City and several of his former co-workers lived right here too.

Best of all, two of them agreed to meet, after Castle told them who he was and that he was trying to track him down.

"Why don't you take her and I'll take him?"Castle had suggested to Kate because one of the two coworkers was female, and the other male.

"I'm not a PI."

He'd handed her Alexis's PI license.

"You're kidding, right? Your daughter and I look nothing alike."

"Don't worry. No one looks at these things. Chances are you won't even be asked to show it."

Beckett had rolled her eyes at that, but he had a point. They really didn't.

So both he and Beckett spent the early afternoon talking to one of Nieman's former colleagues and then returned to the PI agency with a motherlode of information.

The woman Beckett had spoken too suggested that Nieman was charming and charismatic but also volatile and aggressive when things didn't go his way.

" _He was in the lab alone with a junior researcher one night and the next day there were both gone. Let go from the company. No one knew why, but there were a lot of rumours. Someone who saw her afterwards, said she broke her wrist and two ribs that night. People whispered that he did it and that they both settled out of court. The company and Nieman together paid her a huge settlement to shut up about it."_

The man that Castle spoke to had an equally unsettling story.

" _Nieman? He was crazy. Like Doctor Frankenstein crazy. He'd do his own experiments. The guy even tried drugs out on himself. You pull that kind of shit in the research community, you're blacklisted for life, but somehow Nieman would get away with it because he was brilliant. Kept getting fired and hired somewhere else. Plus his sister kept vouching for him."_ The manhad laughed nervously _. "She was a doctor too. But she was good with money. She knew how to turn her business into a cash cow. She did plastic surgery and came up with her own product line of cosmetics. Until she hooked up with a serial killer and almost cut up some cops face before she got killed. Have you heard about that?"_

" _I- might've read about it. What about personally? Can you tell me anything about his personal life?"_

" _Personally? I'm tellin' ya he was weird. Creepy weird. He showed me these photos on his phone one day of women that were tied up."_

" _Tied up?"_

" _You know. BDSM. Rough sex. Drugs. The guy liked it really rough and he went to these underground clubs where he got to do that. He bragged about beating a girl so hard once that she lost consciousness and he got away with that too, 'cause these places, they hire illegals and pay under the table. Last thing they want is to deal with the cops."_

" _Do you have idea where he is now?"_

" _Nope. Not a clue. Never heard from him again after he was let go."_

And now that they were both back at the PI agency, they started piecing it all together. Building a timeline. The way they used to do it at the 12th. All while thinking the one thing that neither of them wanted to voice out loud.

Until Castle did, during a brief break over a shared order of Chinese take-out.

"The guy was a _drug_ researcher," he mumbled, while deftly picking a single sautéed shrimp out of his box of stir-fried rice with his chopsticks.

"I know what you're thinking," Kate answered, toying with her chow mein while occasionally taking a bite.

"You had multiple drugs in your system. Drugs that gave you amnesia and God knows what else. Drug combinations that the hospital tests didn't know what to make of."

"Castle…"

"Don't tell me that's a coincidence."

"Seriously?" Beckett set down her chopsticks. "Right now it's all speculation. For all we know this guy fled to Thailand with a new identity and he's over there torturing animals. Or having rough sex with prostitutes. Or both."

"Feel free to say I told you so all day once we verify that, 'kay? But until we find this guy I'm gonna stick to my crazy theory that he's a suspect. In your kidnapping."

Kate bit back a smile. "I really hope I get the chance to say I told you so."

Amusement slowed down his greedy intake of shrimp fried rice. "Me too." He paused a moment to eye her. "Not hungry?"

She was staring at him and something about the way she was looking at him, full of happiness, made his heart soar.

"I'm having more fun watching you inhale your order."

He wheeled his chair closer to her. "Have some," he offered, holding up his paper container.

She shook her head and used his proximity as an opportunity to slide over onto his lap and inch her arm around him, before burrowing her nose in the nape of his neck and dusting a kiss on his collarbone. "Okay, I'll have some."

Castle fed her a few bites with his chopsticks, until it wasn't about eating anymore, judging from the sounds that came from her throat in response and the way she licked the food off those thin, wooden sticks. It awakened all his senses and reminded him how good it felt to have her back in his arms. "Come home with me tonight," he repeated. He'd keep saying, like a mantra until it became reality. Until she came home and stayed.

"Stop nagging," she groaned, while idly weaving her fingers up into his hair.

"Stop making me."

She laughed. A throaty, giddy sound that turned him on. A lot.

But then she was serious again, looking up him so pensively that he wanted to know what she was thinking.

"I love you too," she answered, reading his mind.

"I know." He drew one of her hands up his lips and kissed it, forgetting about Dr. Nieman for a moment and thinking about a possible nap in the panic room with her.

That's when the ringing of his phone jarred him out of his reverie.

Kate laughed again and pulled herself up so she was sitting upright on his lap. "Must be Ryan."

Castle looked at his call display. Impressed. "You're good."

Castle picked up the call. "Hey…"

" _Castle. Is Beckett with you?"_

It only took a microsecond, but there was something about the tone of Ryan's voice that set him on alert. Something that wasn't quite right and it made him lie. "No. Why?"

Kate could hear the conversation and she narrowed her eyes, puzzled by the lie.

" _Do you know where she is?"_

He gave him the same answer. "No. I know she had a therapy session this morning, after that I don't know. I have no plans to see her today. Have you tried her cell? Or Lanie's?"

" _I have. She's not picking up her cell. It's turned off. And Lanie doesn't know where she is."_

"How do you know her cell's turned off?"

" _We tried tracking it."_

A chill ran up his spine. "Why?"

There was a silence on the other end until Ryan came back on, sounding pained. Remorseful. _"We have a warrant for her arrest."_

Kate's jaw dropped and all the joy he'd seen in her eyes a moment ago was gone. Replaced by sheer terror and panic.

"What?" Castle's voice cracked. " _Why_?"

Ryan didn't answer his question. _"If you see her, you need to bring her in, Castle. Right away. Do you understand?"_

His throat was impossibly dry all of a sudden. "I, uh, yeah. I understand."

Beckett was several shades paler after he ended the call, one of her hands clutching his thigh, seemingly unaware of what she was doing, of how hard she was digging into his flesh. "They must have found something else, Rick. Something more than a print. A murder weapon. _Something_."

He jumped out of his chair but held on to her hand. "You have to turn yourself in."

The panic in her eyes magnified ten-fold. "No…"

"What other choice is there?"

"Not this. I can't. I won't."

"Kate…"

She was starting to hyperventilate, like she did up the cabin in Albany, on the verge of another panic attack. "I can't…I can't be locked up again. _I can't_."

"Hey," he put his hands on her shoulders, feeling the panic surge inside of him as well. "I'll get a lawyer, post bail. I'll get you out. Promise."

"It's not up to you. Bail for a murder charge will be impossibly high."

"Murder? How do you know…?"

She stepped back out of his grip. "What else could it be? Espo and Ryan are _homicide_ detectives."

Castle swallowed, unable to grasp what was happening. Mere minutes ago he'd been focused on trying to find the right words to bring her back home tonight because he wanted to make love to her again.

"Kate, you _cannot_ run."

"Yes. I can."

"No! Running makes you look guilty as hell."

His mind raced, trying to come up with something else. The Panic Room. He could lock her up in there. No one else but his family had access and it was built to withstand anything short of a direct hit from a nuclear missile.

He'd let her stay there, keep her safe, until this insanity was over. Until they found the monster who was doing this to them.

Except they'd get a warrant for it. Of course they would.

"I can't solve this if I'm behind bars, Rick," she looked as though she was furiously trying to piece together a plan too.

"You can't solve it if you're a fugitive!" Castle stared at her in disbelief, unable to wrap his head around the idea that she was serious about this. Going on the run. "What about Lily? What will I tell her?"

She was breathing so hard that he wanted to tell her to put her head down before she passed out. "Tell her that I love her and that I didn't do this."

"I know you didn't!"

Her eyes darted all over the room and Castle realized what she was looking for when she grabbed her purse, lying on the couch by the entrance. Kate pulled out her phone and held it up. "It's why they couldn't track the phone," she told him. "It died this afternoon because I forgot to charge it."

"Let me call a lawyer. You can meet with him here before we go in to the-"

"I'm not turning myself in."

"You can't be serious about going on the run!"

But she was clutching her purse and Castle had a feeling she was about to make a run for it.

"Castle-"

No way was he saying goodbye without knowing where she was headed. He jumped to grab her wrist before she did anything drastic. "Wait."

Beckett struggled to free herself from his grip. "They're going to come here, Rick! Just because you said you didn't know where I was doesn't mean they're going to buy it."

"If you really want to do this, then at least let me help you." He couldn't believe he was saying this. Thinking of doing what he was about to do.

"Help me? No. The less you're involved the better."

"For God's sake, Kate. You think I'm just going to let you run off without knowing whether you're okay?"

"What can you do?"

"Come," he stepped over to a locked cabinet and unlocked it with a swipe card. Inside it was a charging station with four phones attached. Burner phones. Castle took out two and then looked at their numbers. Programmed each phone's number into the other one and then handed one to Kate. He also handed her two chargers. One for the burner, the other for her Iphone. "So we can stay in touch," he explained, not that he needed to.

Then he took a step over to another cabinet and opened a small, wooden door to reveal a safe behind it. Using a combination lock he opened it and took out a handgun, making sure it was loaded before he clipped on a holster that she could put on her jeans and handed it to Kate. "So I know you've got a weapon against this psycho. I'd bet on you if it came to a gunfight. But I really hope it doesn't."

Beckett took it from him.

Then he pulled out an envelope full of twenty-dollar bills and handed it to her.

"Castle-" It was the only thing she was reluctant to take.

"You don't have a credit card yet, do you? Even if you did, you know they'd trace it."

"I have cash."

"Not this much," he argued. "I don't want you sleeping on a park bench."

She still made no move at putting into her pocket or her purse. "I'm good at surviving."

Castle swallowed bitterly. He wanted more than survival for her. The mere thought of the NYPD putting an APB out on her made him feel sick. "This is not a negotiation," he told her. "Take it."

Her expression softened and so did her panic, but only for an instant. "Okay, okay. But I won't need it."

"I don't care if you do, just _promise_ me you'll stay in touch."

"I will."

"Swear to me."

She answered by snaking her arms around his and standing on her toes to kiss him. Hard and deep.

"Castle…"

It was impossibly hard to let go. "This better not be a good-bye, Kate."

She shook her head vehemently. "No. Never. You're stuck with me now."

"I mean it." He knew that if it wasn't for Lily, he'd join her. Without a moment's hesitation. "I can't lose you again, do you understand that?"

"Better than anyone." Her eyes were moist. Solemn. "And you won't. Promise."

"Go," he said it forcefully, mostly to convince himself.

She grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for one last kiss. "I love you."

He didn't say it back because that would have felt too much like a goodbye.

* * *

 _North of NYC_

Cold.

Alexis was _so_ cold and that was the first thing that struck her when she slowly came back into wakefulness. Her limbs trembled and her teeth chattered; chilled to the bone.

But that sensation took a back seat to the next one that assaulted her, suddenly and violently.

Terror at the realization that nothing around her looked familiar. In response, her elbow pushed her body up and a wave of dizziness hit her so quickly that she collapsed back onto the mattress. Everything spun around her. The ceiling moved and so did the stone wall next to the bed.

Alexis steeled herself against the overwhelming panic. She let it hit her and waited for it to subside, along with the dizziness. And when it did, she noticed once again how cold she was. Shivering in the damp, dark room.

She pushed herself back up again, slower this time, and took in her surroundings. A room with stone walls, an unfinished stone floor and hardly any furnishings. A wooden door at one end and a giant glass case container at the other. She couldn't make out exactly what it was but it looked a bit like a massive aquarium, devoid of water or fish. A single unadorned lightbulb hung from the ceiling, but the room was too large for the single bulb to truly brighten it.

Once thing was certain. She was in a basement.

Alexis sat up and slowly moved her legs over the side of the bed, lowering her head when that triggered another wave of dizziness.

She'd felt this sensation only once before. This terrifying disorientation. Coupled with nausea and dizziness.

She remembered it from when she'd been drugged and kidnapped and woken up in another country across the Atlantic.

Alexis swallowed hard when another surge of panic hit her just as the dizziness subsided. Her teeth still chattered so she pulled the coarse, wool blanket off the bed and wrapped it around herself, trying to remember her last cohesive moments before she ended up here.

She pressed her eyes shut and could see herself going to the loft, wanting to see her little sister and to talk to her father. They still needed to talk. Still had things to iron out.

Instead, she'd seen Beckett, who'd obviously spent the night there and it had prompted an unexpectedly furious outburst. One that made her cringe now that she recalled it.

 _What about after that?_

She strained her muddled brain.

The doughssant! At Bean and Bean in Chelsea. Right after she'd made her hasty, angry exit from the loft. Before seeing her father or her sister.

 _Then what?_

Alexis tried hard to remember what happened after that but it wouldn't come to her. How was that possible? How could someone have taken her from a busy coffee shop in New York City and brought her here without anyone noticing? _Without her remembering?_

"Who's to say nobody noticed?" she said aloud, hearing her voice echo in the windowless room. Someone would have noticed, Alexis decided and that gave her some comfort. It meant people would look for her. If he took her in a crowded area full of streetcams that also meant he was an amateur. More positives.

It was hard to seek positives but when it came to staying calm under pressure she'd learned a few things from her Dad and Hayley.

She kept the blanket wrapped over her shoulders when she stood up and took a few tentative steps to test her balance. She was still dizzy but it was no longer so bad that she had to lie back down.

Alexis made a beeline for the door, not surprised to find it locked shut. She yanked and tugged at it to no avail. It was a thick, heavy, wooden door, not like those fragile ones on TV that cops could break open with one swift kick.

She let go of the handle in frustration when her stomach suddenly flip-flopped.

It was a now-familiar nausea that was very different from the grogginess she'd felt after waking up.

Alexis clutched her stomach and searched the room for a spot to empty it, feeling as though it might happen in the next minute or so. There was no second door leading to a potential toilet but there was an old, stained sink in one corner, as well as a bucket, and Alexis walked over to them, clenching her teeth to fight back the nausea.

She hunched over the sink when she thought for sure she was about to throw up. But aside from gagging a few times, she didn't.

And when her stomach finally settled, she let go of the tile and covered herself with the blanket again, before she sat on the floor and leaned against the wall.

Tears started to sting her eyes and she pulled her knees up towards her, terrified not only of what might happen to her when her captor came back, but even more so for what might happen to the unborn child inside her.

It struck her then, for the first time since taking the pregnancy test, how much she did want this child after all.

How much she already loved her baby.

* * *

 _North of New York City_

He was almost there.

Fifteen more minutes of driving along a badly maintained rural road full of potholes and he'd be there. Safe and sound in his countryside hiding place. An old farmhouse about forty minutes south of Albany.

He glanced over to the passenger side to see Lily Castle out cold, her small, thin body entangled in the seatbelt she was wearing.

It had been so easy to drug her. To slip something into her hot chocolate when they stopped for donuts outside of Manhattan. Just as easy as it had been to get her mother's phone number.

He didn't even have to sneak into the girl's locker room while she was in the pool. All he had to do was ask!

Little Lily Castle didn't hesitate or think there was anything wrong with her swim coach wanting her mother's phone number. She most likely didn't even think to tell her father.

Sweet, gullible, trusting Lily Castle.

What a contrast to her nasty, defiant mother, who had fought him tooth and nail for months.

At first it had been so difficult to keep her alive and contained in captivity that he'd come very close to abandoning his plan and killing her instead. Bitch had tried to end his life and escape whenever she got the tiniest of chances. No matter how much he'd drugged her.

Never mind that he'd never been in a long-term relationship with anyone and hadn't been prepared for what it took to sustain another human being and keep them alive. He'd never imagined having to get food or buy goddamn tampons for a woman. The worst was the one time she'd gotten so sick that he was certain she was going to die, and then he was forced to play nurse on top of it all.

Things had gotten better after he added Rohypnol to the cocktail of drugs he gave her. It messed with her memories. It made her forget and it lessened her resistance considerably.

He knew that it was incredibly risky, the drugs he used on her. There were more than a half dozen near-overdoses in those six years, and he always had far bigger plans than turning her into an addict. After all, anyone with a meth lab could produce an addict. He needed her functional for what he had in mind.

And daily nuisances aside, there were also many times when he enjoyed his experiment. He might not always have had the easiest access to the drugs and chemicals he needed, in spite of his connections to both the black market and the pharmaceutical industry. But he had his own personal, state-of-the-art lab and something that countless other research scientists could only dream about. A live, human guinea pig at his disposal.

He hated that he couldn't tell his sister about the marvelous, ground-breaking things he was doing.

Kelly had been the one person in his life who meant something to him. The one person who always appreciated his achievements. He might have even loved her.

His sister had always been his kindred spirit because she was just like him. She understood him like no one else because they were cut from the same cloth. Both of them harboured needs and desires that most of society found disturbing, and yet neither of them gave a damn. A world that dared to rein in their brilliance wasn't worth caring about anyway.

The only difference between him and Kelly was that she'd always been able to control her impulses so much better than he could.

It was why she ran a hugely successful practice while he kept losing access to the best labs in the country. He was a loose cannon and no one wanted him on their team. He wouldn't have had his last two jobs if it weren't for Kelly. For the weight of her name and her insistent referrals.

But that was before Kate Beckett murdered Kelly with her bare hands.

Beckett was just as much of a monster as he was.

Yet the world had turned her into a hero while it had dragged the Nieman name through the gutter.

It brought his fury to new heights every time he thought about it.

He'd craved killing long before Kelly was murdered, but it was only afterwards that he'd finally done it. That he could no longer hold back the release he craved so badly.

Aside from killing, he'd craved revenge too. Desperately.

If Beckett wasn't going to pay for the murder she did commit, she could pay for his instead.

He pulled the car into the gravel driveway of his old farmhouse and parked it.

Then he walked around it and lifted Beckett's unconscious daughter up from the passenger's seat and into his arms. Ready to carry down to the basement.

He'd spent six years trying to make it work. Failing in so many ways. Realizing only when he'd watched Beckett at Lily's swim practice that this girl had always been the key. He'd always planned to take her. It was why he'd found a way to get close to her. What he hadn't planned was for that damn old man walking his dog to find Beckett in that cabin and screw up his plans.

She'd pissed him off more than ever that week and he'd come so close to killing her. But he'd always planned to go back and get her.

He'd failed and miscalculated far too often when it came to Kate Beckett, but he knew that she would kill for her daughter.

He had absolutely no doubts about that.

* * *

 _12_ _th_ _Precinct, NYC_

Kevin Ryan had been watching her tear into his partner for several minutes before he finally stepped in.

"Lanie," he tried to, literally, come in between them. "You do realize Espo had nothing to do with that search warrant, right?"

Lanie stopped mid-sentence and gave him a look that Ryan knew was well capable of ending his life on the spot. The kind of look that only she was capable of giving him.

Then she paused, inhaled deeply and turned her attention to him instead. "You know what I know, Kevin?"

Ryan was pretty sure she was going to tell him. For now he was grateful that he was still breathing.

"I know that Javi here is a sergeant who's got some pull-"

"This wasn't his call!"

Lanie raised an index finger to let him know she wasn't done. "And you know what else I know? I know our girl didn't do this. So maybe don't waste your time turning my apartment upside down and spend it trying to get the guy who did this to her instead!"

"Guys!" Javier glared at them both. "How 'bout we stop going at each other first?"

"Really?" Ryan looked at him incredulously. "Last time I try and defend your ass."

Esposito lowered his voice. "Listen, both of you. There's another problem."

"A bigger problem than finding the murder weapon with Beckett's prints on it?" Ryan asked.

"Which that bastard probably planted!" Lanie cut in.

"Bigger than the fact that she seems to have gone on the run?"

"Guys," Esposito leaned in to both of them and eyed the rest of the bullpen to make sure no one was following their exchange. "When they search your place, Lanie. They might find an unregistered gun."

"What? Why?"

"Because I gave Beckett one."

"You did what?" Ryan's jaw dropped open. "Have you lost your goddamn mind?"

"That psycho who kidnapped and tortured is still out there. If she wasn't gonna protect herself I figured as her former partners, we needed to do help her do it." An angry scowl darkened his face. "We let her down, bro. She lost six years of her life 'cause we gave up."

"Look I feel guilty as hell too but-"

Lanie waved her hands in the air. "Stop it! Both of you."

Esposito and Ryan stared at her.

"If you gave her that gun, Javi, you better own up to it. My girl's not takin' the fall because you decided to arm her."

"I agree," Esposito.

"No," Ryan shook his head vehemently. "Worst idea ever. Getting you suspended isn't gonna help her. She's already in shit for going on the run, finding an unregistered gun at your place isn't gonna make a hell of a lot of difference. But you…" Ryan glared at his partner. "This'll screw your career up big time."

"Fine then," Lanie groaned. "I'll tell them it's mine."

"No point if the only prints they'll find on it are mine and Beckett's. Plus, she's not on the run," Javi corrected him Ryan. "We just can't find her right now."

"How convenient of her to disappear as soon as we issue an arrest warrant."

"Castle said…"

"Castle's lying," Ryan cut him off. "He knows where she is. I'd bet my life on it."

"For once I'm gonna have to agree with you," Lanie admitted. Maybe the boys didn't know it yet, but she knew they were back together. Knew that Beckett hadn't come home last night, and on second thought, she was willing to let Beckett take the fall for Javi's gun if it meant keeping him on the force and in their corner.

"We need to find her," Kevin reiterated. "ASAP."

"We do," Lanie agreed, her annoyance at the apartment search fading. Aside from Javier's well-intentioned gift, they wouldn't find anything.

She was certain of that.

* * *

 _Andrew Carnegie Elementary Academy, NYC_

Castle spotted Lily's blond and bubbly best friend in the hallway and called out to her when he couldn't find his daughter waiting at her usual spot. Taylor had spent so many sleepovers at the loft that he considered her part of the family.

"Hi, Taylor."

"Hi, Mr. Castle!"

"Is Lily still in class?"

"No," Taylor eyed him as though it was silly question. "She left a while ago, to go to the meet."

"Meet?"

"Neek picked her up for the swim meet."

"I, uh…" He was puzzled. "Okay. Thanks, Taylor."

"She was _so_ excited."

"I…I bet."

Taylor spotted her mother's car at the curb and ran off to it under the watchful eye of Mrs. Fanelli, leaving Castle dumbstruck. Kate was supposed to pick up Lily today. He'd added her to the list of approved persons to get her. Before everything fell apart this afternoon.

And she had been asking him about Lily's wanting to join the high school practice sessions.

But she wouldn't give the school permission to take her out without letting him know? Would she?

Castle pulled a burner cell out of his coat pocket and called the phone he'd given Kate. It rang several times before she picked up. There was a lot of background noise and Castle thought he heard the sound of a train passing by. It made his gut clench, to not know where she was. Where she'd spend the night.

"Hey," he'd keep it brief, even though he wanted to ask her a dozen questions. "Did you call the school and give permission for Lily to attend the meet?"

" _What?"_ he could barely hear her voice over the background noise.

"The swim meet. That high school near Morristown."

" _No. Of course not."_

The chill that ran up along his spine now was so much worse than what he'd felt a few seconds ago when he thought of Beckett on the run.

" _Rick? What are you talking about?"_

"I gotta go."

He ended the call without another word and sprinted over to Mrs. Fanelli who was watching her young charges like a hawk.

"Mr. Castle-"

"Did you see Lily leave today?"

"She went to the swim practice with Nikolai."

"Why would you let her go off with him?"

"You called to give us the okay."

He stared at the teacher in disbelief. "No, I didn't."

For as long as he'd known the elderly Sicilian, he'd never seen her look the least bit frazzled or perturbed. Steely calm was her default setting.

But not now. In fact, she was so taken aback by his answer that he caught traces of her usually barely detectable Italian accent. "We were informed by the principal's office…"

She went on about how they had an impeccable procedure in place. How the safety and security of their students was always their top concern, that of course they'd verified the caller.

For a moment Castle considered the possibility that this was all Lily's doing. That she'd somehow found a way to sneak off to a swim practice that she'd been begging to attend for months. But deep down he knew that she wouldn't do this. Knew she loved swimming far too much to risk getting grounded.

And then the principal came out to see him and said they hadn't been able to get a hold of Neek. That the school where the practice was taking place hadn't seen the coach yet either.

It only cemented what Castle already feared.

The principal and Mrs. Fanelli kept talking to him and he could make out only an occasional word. Their voices were mostly white noise, rushing through his ears like a torrent of water and the school's hallway was a blur in front of him.

It didn't matter anymore how he'd managed to do it. To outwit them all. What mattered was that it was Neek.

It was him all along and Castle had a gut feeling that Neek didn't even exist. That Nikolai Nemovsky and Nicholas Nieman were the same person.

 _He_ was the monster who'd taken Kate.

And now he had his daughter.


	34. Chapter 34

**34**

 _Newark, New Jersey_

Beckett had tried to call him at least a half-dozen times after he abruptly ended their last call. The one where he asked her whether she'd called the school to allow Lily to go to that swim practice.

Of course she wouldn't have gone over his head like that, not when she had only just re-entered her daughter's life.

Kate wondered whether Lily had somehow snuck off to the practice on her own. She'd seen the determination Lily's face, seen how badly her daughter wanted it. And Kate didn't put it past her daughter only because she knew it was something her nine-year old self might have done too.

She'd given her parents minor heart attacks on more than one occasion.

Still. There was something else about the phone call that didn't sit right with her. Something about the panic in Rick's voice that went beyond the usual parental frustrations.

Beckett set down her phone, deciding she'd try again in a few minutes. Then she moved over to the bathroom mirror of the cheap motel room she'd checked into after giving the lone man at the gated reception desk three twenties. He'd asked her for a name and address and Beckett wrote it down on a piece of paper. He hadn't flinched when she told him that she had no photo ID and no credit card.

Of course she'd given him a fake name and a fake address.

The woman that now stared back at her, Emily Burns, transient guest in room 204, did look foreign to her.

She'd gone to a Marshall's earlier to get some essentials. Clean underwear, socks, toothpaste and toothbrush. A couple of t-shirts. She'd bought some blue eyeshadow and pink blush and applied a liberal amount once she got inside the room, until she looked like she belonged there. Inside a cheap room that smelled of stale smoke, sweat, and sex.

Then she'd tied her hair back, mask the expensive, elegant haircut she got yesterday at a salon that Martha not only recommended but where she'd also sweet-talked the owner into squeezing Beckett in for a last-minute appointment.

She'd emerged from the salon feeling something that she hadn't felt in a long time.

She felt like herself. Kate Beckett, wife and mother and Captain of the 12th precinct.

Not Kate Beckett, stranger, victim, and mystery to be solved.

Now she bit her bright red lower lip to stave off the brewing inside her. How naïve she'd been, to think that she could step back into her old life so easily. That just because she couldn't remember, she could sweep the last six years under a rug and pretend they never existed.

They'd haunt her until she found the man who did this. Until she found out what she did in the last six years.

Kate walked back over to the bed and slipped on a plain grey hoodie. Then she grabbed the motel keys as well as her two phones. The iPhone was still turned off so that it couldn't be tracked but she'd charged it and she decided to risk turning it on a few blocks from here, since that was the only way this psycho was communicating with her.

She yanked it out of the charger and slipped on a light winter jacket over the hoodie. Something else she'd bought at Marshall's. It covered her ass as well as the gun that was clipped to her jeans.

Beckett got a few looks and whistles on her way to a fried chicken place she'd spotted earlier and she knew it was because of her excessive make-up. She was pleased with that, because the best way to hide was in plain sight. She looked like a sex worker, and that was exactly what she wanted people to think when they saw her.

Once inside the fast food restaurant, Beckett ordered some fries and two drumsticks. After the cashier handed her a tray with the food, she found an empty table where she promptly pulled out her iPhone and turned it on.

The time popped up on the screen first, 5:57pm, and Kate made a note of it as she shoveled three French fries into her mouth.

No more than five minutes, she told herself.

There were several unread texts and just as many missed calls on her phone.

There were a few from Lanie.

 _-Where the hell are you? What IS going on?! They've got a warrant to search my place_

 _-Call me as soon as you can_

 _-Did I not sound urgent enough? Turn on your fancy new phone, girl!_

Kate mouthed a soft. "Sorry" to her friend. If she somehow got out of this mess, she'd have to make this up to her.

Then she saw the text from another unknown number and almost dropped the phone.

 _-I have Lily. If you want to see her meet me at Green and Wesley street, north of Teterboro in three hours. There's a bridge that crosses Berry's Creek, right by the I-80. See u underneath it. Alone. If I see any cops, Lily will pay the price_

 _Oh God._

Beckett checked the time the message was sent. It came through over an hour ago.

She had less than two hours.

With shaking fingers, she sent a response.

 _-You hurt her and I'll hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands._

She clutched the phone hard and tried to think. To breathe.

But her daughter's face was the only thing she could think about.

 _Not, Lily. Please not Lily. Anything but that. I'll do anything…_

It took only a few seconds for a response.

 _-I know you will. You're a monster. But I'm not afraid of you._

 _-You should be afraid of me._

 _-See you soon, Kate._

Then another.

 _-PS: You're in no position to make threats. I meant it. Your little brat means nothing to me._

Of course it was a trap. Even though her judgment was woefully clouded right now, she still had enough common sense to realize that she couldn't go there alone. If she did she wouldn't come back alive.

Kate waited a minute for anything else that might come through and then turned off the iPhone and pulled the burner out of her pocket to call Rick's number again. _His_ burner.

 _Please pick up, babe. Please, please, please…_

He did after the fourth ring.

"Rick, he has her, Lily. He has her!" The words spilled out.

" _I know."_

"You know?"

" _It's Neek."_

"The swim coach?"

" _He took her from school. I have cops at the loft setting up a command station_ -" Kate could hear his voice crack. _"In case he contacts me."_

"He already has."

" _What?"_

Beckett told him about the text, about being ordered to meet him alone in two hours.

" _Kate, you can't-"_

"I know. It's a trap."

" _You have to turn yourself in. Tell the cops and-"_

"No!" She said it so loud that people at the table next to her stared. Kate got up and left the food she purchased behind. She exited the restaurant and began walking back towards the motel.

If she turned herself in they'd arrest her. She couldn't get to Lily from behind bars.

"Are the boys near you?" she asked.

" _Ryan is. Espo's downstairs."_

"You and the boys are the only ones I trust to help me do this without screwing it up. There's too much at stake, Rick. If he finds out I brought reinforcements…" She swallowed hard. No, she was not going there.

" _Okay, okay…lemme get Ryan."_

Beckett fisted her hands, wishing it were Espo instead. Not entirely convinced Ryan would go along with this. He'd always been so by-the-book. But he was a father. Surely he would do anything for his kids.

She was already at the entrance of her motel, with the phone pressed against her cheek, waiting for Ryan.

 _Fuck, what's taking so long?_

She took the stairs to the second floor, racing up them two steps at a time. By the time she opened the door of her room, Ryan's voice finally appeared on the other end.

The background noise she'd heard earlier was gone and she suspected that Ryan had stepped into the hallway or even the staircase of the loft.

" _Hey Beckett…Castle told me about the text. I don't agree with what you're thinking of doing. You could end up doing more harm to Lily. You gotta turn yourself in and let the Feds handle this. It's exactly what you'd tell anyone else in your position, you know it."_

She wanted to throw the phone against the wall. "I have two hours, Kev! Two hours to get to the meeting spot."

" _They have the ability to assemble a team in way less time than that. There are four FBI agents in Castle's loft right now."_

"I'm not going in there with a cavalry!" she hissed. "Not with Lily's life at stake."

" _What if we screw up?"_

"What if this was Sarah-Grace, Kev? What would you do? Go in there with a team and cross your fingers that the guy won't notice? I trust you. You and Espo."

" _Beckett-"_

"Please. Either help me or I do this on my own."

" _Fuck, Beckett."_

"I mean it."

There was a long moment of silence that made her heart pound until he finally came back on.

" _Fine. I'll get Javi."_

* * *

 _Upstate New York_

 _Earlier_

Alexis jumped up from the floor she was sitting on when she heard the heavy door opening on the other side of the basement room.

It was Neek who entered and seeing him instantly helped her brain piece together the rest of her missing memories.

She'd remembered sitting at the café in Chelsea. Remembered the doughssant. But she'd forgotten that it was Lily's swim coach who'd greeted her there, unexpectedly.

Now he held a gun in one hand and he had her little sister slung over one of his shoulders. Like a lifeless rag doll.

He dumped Lily on the only bed in the room and Alexis bolted towards her.

Her sister was out of it. Pale and clammy and lifeless. Not just asleep, but unconscious. Drugged like she herself had been earlier.

She pinched her sister's cheeks and rubbed each of her cold hands in her own, until Lily finally groaned in response. Alexis was oblivious to the man in the room with them, holding the gun and observing it all.

"Come on, sweetheart. Wake up."

It terrified her. The thought that the drugs might've done something to her.

It took a few tries, but her eyes finally opened, much to Alexis's relief.

"Hey, Lil." She stroked her sister's cheek with her thumb, glad to see a bit of colour return to it now that she was no longer unconscious.

"Lexisss…" She slurred the word and licked her lips.

"Yeah, it's me."

Her usually alert little sister was confused and out of it. "Lexiss?"

"That's right. I'm right here."

Lily looked like she was going to be sick too. "Don't feel good."

"I know," she brushed a few strands of hair off her forehead. "It'll pass."

Lily moaned and curled into herself before she tried to sit up.

"Easy," Alexis helped her up.

"Feel sick."

"I know." Alexis let her sister lean into her and rubbed her arms. Wanted to make sure her circulation was good. "Breathe through your nose. It'll go away."

"Where are we?"

 _I wish I knew._

"Now that she's awake and you've had your reunion, get back against the wall. Step away from her," Neek commanded from across the room, forcing Alexis to pay attention to him. To the gun he was waving in her face.

But she couldn't bring herself to let go of Lily.

"What do you want with her? Why are you doing this?"

"Did I say you could ask a question?" He stepped closer and held the gun right into her face. Lily started to cry.

"Get up and move against the wall!" Gone was his Russian accent. His awkward English.

It had all been an act.

 _Who_ are _you?_

Alexis's heart thundered in her chest and she reluctantly did as he ordered. "Please don't hurt her, please. Do whatever you want with me, but don't hurt her."

"Get over there."

Lily was hysterical now. Sobbing. Calling for her sister.

Alexis watched as Neek sat down on the bed next to Lily. "If you don't shut up right now, I'm gonna hurt your sister, do you want that?"

"No…" Lily got her sobbing under control and Neek waited until she stopped altogether before he grabbed the girl's arms and yanked off the green wool sweater she was wearing, the one that had her school's logo on it.

 _No, no, no._ Alexis panicked and feared the worst when she saw him reach underneath her sister's tank top. She thought he'd take that off too, but he didn't. He just took out his cellphone from his pocket and then suddenly he grabbed a hold of Lily's arm, pinching the soft fleshy part right below her armpit. He twisted it so hard that she screamed at an ear-piercing volume.

" _Stop!"_ Alexis could barely hear her own voice above Lily's.

Then he let go as quickly as he'd grabbed her.

Taking his phone and gun, Neek left the room without another word. Slamming the door shut and locking it behind him.

Alexis ran towards her sister as soon as he was gone and pulled her into a hug. "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay."

She kissed the top of Lily's head and held her tight until she stopped sobbing. She couldn't find anything to blow her nose with so she ripped a piece of linen from the bed.

"Lemme see," Alexis instructed after Lily calmed down, pulling up her sister's tank top to see where Neek had pinched her to make sure he hadn't drawn blood. There was a small spot, a crescent moon indentation, where one of his fingernails had pierced through Lily's skin, that was bleeding. Alexis pressed down on it with a clean piece of linen, even though it made Lily squirm in her arms. Then she put her sister's sweater back on because it was freezing in the room.

Thankfully it wasn't worse. Other than a nasty bruise, Lily would be fine.

 _What the hell was the point of that?_ Alexis wondered. There was no rhyme or reason for any of it.

"Lex?" The braid in Lily's hair had come partially undone and her eyes were red from crying.

"Why is he doing this?"

"I don't know, Lil."

"Is he coming back?"

"I don't know. Probably."

"Lex…?" She was on the verge of tears again.

Alexis held her sister tight, shivering again now that her heart rate had slowed back down. "Yes?"

"Is he going to kill us?"

* * *

 _Castle residence, NYC_

"Richard," he heard Martha's voice calling him from the upstairs hallway, where he'd stepped into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face and to get away from the half dozen federal agents who were congregating and planning downstairs in his living room.

"Yes, Mother." He used a towel to wipe his face dry when she pocked her head into the doorway.

"What are you not telling me?"

"What?'

"Why did Javier and Kevin leave?"

Richard didn't know what to say. How much to tell her. This was already tearing her apart because she loved Lily to pieces.

"Is this about Katherine?"

Castle stuck out his head into the hallway to make sure there was no FBI agent in sight, and then he gestured for Martha to come into the bathroom before closing the door behind them.

"You know where she is don't you?" Martha was frantic with worry. "Does she have anything to do with Lily's kidnapping?"

"No, of course not."

"Then what is it?"

Castle told her about the text that Beckett received from Neek. From the man who had taken her and now had Lily.

"But she has to go to the police with that!" Martha exclaimed. "Maybe they can track the phone! They have technology that she doesn't. Why doesn't she turn herself in if she's innocent and-"

"Shhh!" He moved to cover her lips with the palm of her hand. "Not so loud."

"But Richard-"

"We can't risk it," he told her. "Not with Lily's life at stake."

"So Kevin and Javier have gone to see Kate and they're going to back her up? But they couldn't tell anyone?"

"That's right."

"So there's a chance they'll get this sick bastard and bring Lily back to us?"

"Yes." He wanted so desperately to believe it. That that's what would happen in an hour. The boys and Kate would get him. Torture Lily's location out of him if need be.

"Oh Richard, they have to bring her back to us. Have to." His mother's eyes had filled with tears, and not for the first time since she'd received the news about her granddaughter being snatched from her school.

He gave her a hug and then dug deep to muster the most reassuring look he had left in him. "If I trust anyone to bring her back, it's Beckett and the boys."

"I know."

Martha left the bathroom as quietly as she'd come and Castle knew he had to go back downstairs too. Even though every fibre of his being wanted to be there with them. With Beckett and the boys.

But he wasn't in a position to take off from the loft without every one of the FBI agents in his living room wanting an explanation. Ryan and Esposito were another matter. No one would ask them why they went home. Or to the precinct.

They were no longer on duty tonight.

He'd given Ryan the number of his burner cell and pleaded that he give him an update as soon as he knew anything. Not knowing made him want to crawl out of his skin. Made him check every two minutes to make sure he hadn't missed a call.

He thought back to the conversation he had with Ryan just before he left.

" _Listen, before I do this, before I jeopardize my career by aiding and abetting a fugitive, and taking part in a rogue operation, I need you to be straight with me."_

" _What do you mean?"_

" _Are you sure, I mean really sure…that Beckett has nothing to do with this? Because her word is all we have when it comes to these mysterious texts. For all we know she could be sending them to herself…"_

He'd wanted to throttle his friend. Right then and there.

" _Am I sure that she wouldn't kidnap our daughter? Am I sure that she wouldn't put our family through this special kind of hell? Yes, yes I'm sure, Kev and if you ask me one more-"_

" _Look, she was heavily drugged when she was kidnapped and she hasn't been the same since she got back. I need you to take that into consideration for a sec-"_

" _I was with her the last time she got texts from that psycho. I was there! I saw it with my own eyes. There's no way she could have sent them herself. No way she could in any way be involved in this."_

" _Okay, okay."_

Ryan had backed off, somewhat remorseful, and taken off without another word after that, leaving him wondering whether he'd done the right by not telling the feds.

He'd been trying to get a hold of Alexis all evening too.

No matter what had transpired this morning, Alexis loved Lily. She'd want to know what had happened, and he needed to tell her before it made the news.

But he had no luck in reaching her and he figured it was because she was avoiding him. He'd left her two voicemails as well as a text. His last message succinct and clear:

 _-Please call me. It's urgent. It's about Lily._

If that didn't elicit a return call it was probably because she'd turned her phone off. She and Leon did that sometimes, when they wanted to tune out the world and spend the night at a rented cottage north of the city. Usually she let him know when she did it, so he wouldn't worry if he was trying to get in touch with her, but she might not have if she was still angry with him.

"Mr. Castle-" One of the FBI agents (Jim. Joe. Jack. He'd already forgotten his name) knocked on the half-open bathroom door.

Castle swung it fully open. "Is there any news?"

"We've run a trace on Nikolai Nemovsky…"

"Let me guess, he doesn't exist."

"It appears that some of the credentials he used were from a real Olympic coach by the name of Nikolai Nemorov, except that this other Nikolai is almost 80 and still lives in Russia."

"I'm telling you, _this_ Nikolai is Nicholas Nieman. Have you run a trace on him?"

The agent blanched. "We have. As you asked us to. But it could be a precious waste of time, Mr. Castle. There's no proof to sug-"

"Have you found Nieman?"

"Not yet. Our last records indicate that Dr. Nieman left the US for the UK three months after the death of his sister. There's no record of him entering the United States again after that departure. Tracing him in Europe requires the assistance of Interpol."

"I'd bet my life on it that he has re-entered the United States. But not as Nicholas Nieman."

"Mr. Castle, we have the best resources on hand. Everyone leaves a trace and we will find them. Both men."

"One man," Castle corrected him. He had no proof. But never before had he been this certain about one of his crazy theories.

"It takes bit a of time, that's all."

He thought of his daughter in the clutches of the same mad man that had abused his wife for six years. He remembered the bruises, cuts and abrasions all over her body when he'd first seen her at the hospital.

That was the man who now had his little girl.

He wanted to die and to kill all at once.

Castle stared at the FBI agent and sucked in an undignified breath of air. He couldn't think about it. Couldn't lose it yet.

"My daughter might not have time."

* * *

 _Near Teterboro Airport, New York_

Kate Beckett stood exactly where he'd told her to wait for him, next to the bridge that spanned a tiny sliver of water that was nothing more than a creek, close enough to the I-80 to hear a steady hum of highway traffic in the distance.

It wasn't an ideal spot for surveillance because it was poorly lit and there were too many escape routes. But that was probably why he'd chosen it.

The only good thing about it was that it would also make it that much harder for him to spot her back up.

As tense and nervous as she was, Beckett trusted the boys to have her back. To help her nab this guy as soon as he got close enough.

She checked her phone for the umpteenth time and it lit up in the dark.

Two minutes until the meeting time and there was no sign of an approaching vehicle.

He wouldn't come on foot or bike would he? A motorcycle? None of them were ideal for transporting an unwilling passenger.

 _I'm going to kill you,_ she thought, while turning around in the darkness to survey every possible approach. _As soon as Lily is safe, I will kill you._

One minute. Still no sign.

Beckett pulled her Iphone from a pocket and turned it on. A lone car approached the road she was on and her heart thundered in her chest.

But it drove right past her and even in the darkness she could see an older couple inside, sitting in the two front seats. Then there was silence again and Beckett shivered in the cold evening air as goosebumps lined her arms.

Three minutes later and there was still no sign of anyone approaching.

The iPhone buzzed in her pocket and it almost made her jump out of her skin. She grabbed it with shaking hands and saw the incoming call from an unknown number. She picked it up and held the phone against her ear.

" _I told you not to bring any cops, Kate. Why didn't you listen to me?"_

"I'm alone!"

" _We both know you're not."_

Beckett spun around, her eyes scanning the darkness for any movement. He had to be nearby and there was no way he could have spotted the boys. They'd taken every precaution. "I said I'm alone!"

" _You think you're so smart. Too bad Lily's going to have to pay the price for your arrogance."_

Panic surged in her chest. "Don't you dare touch her."

" _Her hand will look funny with only nine fingers, don't you think?"_

The panic almost swallowed her whole. "Don't-" It was the only word she could croak out.

There was a moment of silence on the other end and then Lily's voice.

Crying at first and then screaming so loud that it hurt her ear.

 _No, no, no._ Tears pricked her eyes. _Lily, baby, I'm so sorry._

Warm tears ran down her cheek, and Beckett wiped off them after the screaming stopped. Even though the sound still haunted her.

"I'm going to kill you, if it's the last thing-"

Then his voice came back on.

" _You have one more chance, Kate. Ditch the cops right now. Or the next thing I cut off will be her head. Your choice."_

Beckett wiped away the last of her tears.

Then she made a decision.

She darted across the road and down to the edge of the creek. The streetlights in the distance didn't reach far enough to illuminate it at all. The water and its edges were shrouded in darkness.

Beckett ran along it, as fast as she could with her limited visibility.

Away from the road, the bridge and the boys.

From his nearby look-out spot Javier Esposito watched it all unfold. It had been obvious that she got a call because he'd seen the light of her cell phone on his rifle scope.

What he hadn't expected was for her to bolt.

It all happened so fast.

 _Fuck._

"Ryan, she's headed your way," he hissed into the ear piece he wore.

"Beckett?"

"Yeah."

"He approached from your end? I got nothin' here."

"No," Esposito growled. "She got a call. I think he spooked her into ditching us."

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Esposito slung the rifle over back and got up from his surveillance spot, wishing he could take back the decision to help Beckett tonight. It wasn't bad enough that they were aiding and abetting a fugitive. No, they'd thrown together a poorly planned two-man stake-out operation to snatch a psycho-killer who'd been toying with them for six years.

It had been a disaster waiting to happen, right from the start.

Calling for back-up now would end both their careers and it probably wouldn't change a thing.

"Don't let her get away!" he yelled as he made a run for the underpass. He wasn't more than 300 feet away from it.

"I don't have a visual!"

"Look for movement along the creek, she ran your way."

Beckett did start off running in Ryan's direction but as soon as she entered the cover of the bridge she made a u-turn and went back the other way. Beckett was sure that Javi wasn't wearing night goggles because every approaching vehicle would have blinded him, The lack of light would have made it impossible for Espo to realize what she did, especially if he wasn't expecting it.

Beckett kept running until she was several blocks away from the meeting point. Until her legs and lungs burned from the exertion because she wasn't anywhere near the fit cop that she used to be.

The power run took everything out of her and she wheezed and doubled-over trying to catch her breath.

Her iPhone was still on and it buzzed shortly after she paused.

It was him.

This time his first text consisted of a single cross-street. The second one was a warming.

- _-Be there in 15 minutes. Alone. This is your last chance._

Beckett checked the map app on her phone for the location and realized she had to backtrack a block and head east to get to it.

But first she grabbed the burner phone and dialled the only number on it, still breathing hard.

Castle picked up on the first ring.

" _Kate?"_

"I have to do this alone, Rick. Tell the boys I'm sorry. I love you and I promise to do everything I can to bring our daughter back."

" _No!_ _Kate-"_

She disconnected the call and started running again.

She hadn't reached the destination yet, when a car pulled up next to her, cutting her off and almost running her over.

The driver rolled down his window and pointed a gun straight at her.

"Get in."

* * *

 _Castle residence, New York City_

The sun had started to rise behind the wall of skyscrapers of his city, bursting through the slivers of space between, cracks that allowed an occasional glimpse of the eastern horizon.

He'd spoken to Esposito and Ryan, who told him what happened at the stake-out. They offered to come clean but he saw no point in that. Saw no point in jeopardizing their careers when the FBI was already trying to track down Nieman. When they had no new useful information to offer.

What he did do was tell the FBI about the call he got from Beckett. He handed them the burner and told them he'd been in contact with Beckett ever since he found out about the warrant for her arrest. Told them she'd gone off to meet him alone and that they were now likely looking for two kidnapped individuals.

It was six years ago, all over again.

His eyes stung with fatigue, and he was so far past caring about the consequences of helping a fugitive. The federal agent who took down the information sensed it and didn't even pretend to be shocked or give him a slap on the wrist.

Their only priority now was finding Lily. And Kate.

No one had to know about the botched attempt to stop Nieman.

Castle flinched when a female agent approached him. He'd been on the verge of falling asleep standing up. Coffee. He needed to brew a fresh pot.

"Mr. Castle, you should get some rest." She suggested, not unkindly, "We'll wake you the minute there's any new development."

He waved her off. "I'm fine," he lied. He couldn't remember being less fine than this.

He wouldn't survive losing Lily. Or Kate again. He knew that.

"Mr. Castle," another agent stepped towards them. "There's someone here for you. A gentleman named Leon. Says he's your daughter's fiancé."

Leon.

He didn't enjoy Leon much on a good day and had absolutely no energy for the very A-type stockbroker now.

"What does he want?"

"He says it's urgent. Needs to talk to you."

Castle nodded. "All right."

He saw Alexis's fiancé enter the loft and it struck him that it might have been the first time Castle had seen the guy without a tie.

"Leon-"

Leon scanned the room. "What's going on here? Have you heard from Alexis?"

It was also the first time he'd seen him frazzled. "I, uh, no-I've been trying to reach her." Did Leon know what had happened to Lily? Probably not. It wouldn't have made the news yet, would it?

"She didn't come home last night," Leon blurted out. "I've been trying to get a hold of her all night. I know things haven't been great with us but…"

Castle had never seen him like this. Wasn't sure that Leon had it in him.

"I'm really worried about her. No matter what, this isn't like her. You know she's-"

"I know." He didn't want to think the thoughts that were racing through his mind now. Didn't want to envision it.

"Do you think something's happened to her?"

"I think-" He marvelled that his voice was as steady as it was. "We shouldn't jump to conclusions."

"I've been an asshole, because this pregnancy, it threw my life upside down." Leon blurted out to him and for the first time since he'd met him Castle wanted to put his arms around the young man. "But I love Alexis. I really do. It hit me tonight…how lost I'd be without her."

Castle was wide awake again, terror and adrenaline coursing through his veins at the thought that this was all related. That this man might have taken _everything_ from him. "I think we should…inform the FBI agents in this room. We need to tell them that Alexis didn't come home last night."


	35. Chapter 35

**35**

 _South of Albany, Upstate New York_

She'd given him a hard time. Of course she had. He hadn't expected anything less.

Waving a gun in his face and trying to get him out of the car.

He smiled at the recollection and then made the final turn towards his destination.

" _If you kill me, you'll never know where she is. If you arrest me, you'll never know where she is. Believe me. It would give me considerable satisfaction to know that she's starving to death while you try and find her. I hear it's a horrible way to die."_

Of course that had lowered her defenses just long enough for him to launch a surprise attack and stab a needle into her arm.

She'd been out cold in twenty seconds. Long enough for him to dump her in the back seat, turn off the lights in the car and drape a blanket over her unconscious body.

Because he was so intimately familiar with her tolerance, he'd given her a stronger dosage than Alexis. He knew she wouldn't bother him for the next few hours and that's what he'd needed.

It would give him time to drive back north, switch the car and head back to the house. He'd dump her in the basement with the others and then finally get some rest.

It had been a long, eventful day but all in all, everything had gone as smoothly as he could have hoped for.

He had no idea whether Beckett had brought back-up to the first meeting spot or not, even though he'd warned her against it. But he wouldn't put it past her. Bitch still liked to think she could outsmart him. So he had to make sure, and forcing her to listen to Lily's screams would do just that. _In a pinch,_ he giggled to himself.

When it came to smarts, he'd always be a few notches above Kate Beckett. She didn't exactly have an MD after her name.

It made him gleefully excited for what was to come.

He had a lot of failures in the past six years, but tomorrow he wouldn't fail.

The world would soon see what a monster Kate Beckett was. Even that useless, smitten husband of hers would never be able to forgive her for what she was about to do.

* * *

 _Earlier_

It was late and Lily, terrified as she was, was drifting off to sleep.

Alexis was sitting on the bed, kept awake by her growling stomach and cradling her half-asleep sister in arms when the door of the basement suddenly swung open and Neek stormed back inside, waving a gun at her.

"Get up!"

Alexis did as he ordered and Lily twitched in her arms. Startled.

He bolted towards her and yanked a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket. Then in one swift motion, he grabbed Alexis and pushed her over to that strange aquarium-like structure in the middle of the room. A metal ring jutted out from one corner and that's what he handcuffed her to. Lily sat on the bed, watching it all. Wide awake again.

"It's okay," Alexis mouthed after seeing the terror written all over her sister's face.

Neek then left the room and came back inside, carrying an unconscious Kate Beckett in his arms.

 _Oh shit,_ Alexis thought.

"Mom," Lily cried out for her but Neek dumped her on the bed unceremoniously. She'd have landed on top of Lily, had her sister not moved out of the way in the nick of time. Then he pulled another pair of handcuffs from his jacket pocket and handcuffed one of Beckett's wrists to an iron rung on the bedframe.

Pulling his gun back out, he returned to undo Alexis's cuffs. Obviously he'd only cared about containing her while he had his hands full with Beckett. Didn't think she was a threat otherwise.

"We're hungry," Alexis blurted out. "Please. We need food and water."

The declaration seemed to amuse him. "You can drink the water from the sink."

"What about food?"

"You're funny, Alexis Castle," he pointed out with a grin. It jarred her to hear his voice without the heavy accent. "I dragged in your step-mama like a sack of potatoes but the only thing you care about is, well, actual potatoes."

Alexis's cheeks flushed red. "What do you want with us?"

"How about I tell you what I don't want? I don't want to feed you. Believe me, food will be the least of your concerns soon."

The words sent a chill up her spine. If it weren't for the gun he was pointing at her, she might have lunged at him.

He left the room as quickly as he'd entered it, and for a second Alexis regretted not doing it anyway. It felt as though she had nothing to lose.

 _Not true,_ she thought, thinking of the life growing inside her. Of Lily sitting on the bed trying to rouse her mother.

Alexis rushed over to her.

"Lex, what's wrong with Mom?"

Alexis put a hand on Beckett's neck and felt for a pulse, before pinching her pale cheek. Then she gave it a slap. Gentle at first and then a little harder.

"Stop!" Lily cried out.

"I'm not hurting her, promise. Just trying to wake her up." There was no response from Beckett.

"Why isn't she waking up?"

"I think he drugged her, same as he did to you and me."

Lily looked at her strangely. "He drugged me?"

"Remember when you first woke up and felt funny?"

"Yeah."

"That's why."

"So why isn't she waking up like I did?"

"She will. We have to give her a little time. She needs to sleep it off, like we did."

"Then she'll wake up?"

"I'm sure she will."

"Okay." Armed with that knowledge, Lily relaxed. "Lex?"

"Yes?"

"I need to pee."

"Oh…" So did she, come to think of it. Alexis had already discovered there was no toilet in the room. "Okay. Bucket."

Lily made a face. "Gross."

"I'll dump it in the sink. Pretend we're camping. Like last summer, remember?" There was no toilet paper either, but she'd take pleasure in ripping off another piece of the bed linen.

They did what they had to do and then Lily slipped back into bed next to her mother, burrowing underneath the only blanket to ward off the damp chill of the room.

"You come too," Lily told her sister. Although it looked sturdy enough, Alexis wasn't sure the bed could support all three of them, and tired and cold and hungry as she was, she didn't want to be asleep the next time Neek entered the room.

"Later."

She'd occupy herself by trying to think of a way to get out. To find something, anything, she could use as a weapon because his earlier words still chilled her.

" _Believe me, food will be the least of your concerns soon."_

She was only cold and starving right now, not injured or worse. Now was the time to find a way out.

She wished Beckett would wake up. Even if she'd been handcuffed, Alexis suspected she might have some knowledge of this place. Of what he wanted.

It suddenly occurred to her that Beckett might have been here before. She thought about that possibility as she paced around the room, running her hands along every inch of space to feel for something sharp that she could dislodge and use as a weapon.

Alexis had been in this cold, windowless space less than a day, and she was ready to lose her mind. She couldn't imagine anyone surviving here for weeks. Months.

She kept searching, frustrated when at least an hour had to have passed, and she had nothing in her hands to show for it, even after making a concerted effort to yank out the handle of the sink and the odd one sticking out of the strange aquarium-like structure. Neither of them had budged.

Alexis didn't want to think about what that was for. Didn't want her mind going there.

Eventually she gave up and sat down against the wall close to the bed, exhausted and wanting to sob. It couldn't end like this. Not when there were four lives depending on her to find a way out.

"Mom?"

Lily's voice startled her. Alexis thought her sister had fallen asleep a long while ago. She pushed herself back up and went to her.

"Lily?" Beckett's groggy voice made it obvious that this is what had woken Lily up. Her mother waking up as well.

"Mom?" Lily was sitting up now, her hands on her mother's cheeks. "Wake up."

"Hands," Beckett tried to grab Lily's hands, wincing when she tried to use the arm that was handcuffed to the bed. "Your fingers…"

Beckett opened her eyes, looking confusing as she grabbed one of her daughter's hands. Then the other. "Your fingers…Lily? You're okay?"

"My fingers are okay," Lily reassured her. Puzzled by the strange question.

But Beckett insisted on running her own fingers along each one of Lily's, as if to make sure they were still attached. Alexis didn't understand it but she didn't say a word until Beckett breathed a sigh of relief and closed her eyes again, still holding on to one of Lily's hands.

"He didn't hurt you."

"He pinched me really hard. I screamed."

"Oh baby…come here." Beckett kissed her daughter's hand. Grateful. "It was a set-up. Of course it was."

"Kate?" Alexis saw that she was trying to sit up, but it was hard with one hand cuffed to the bed frame. So she helped her up and so did Lily. "Take it easy."

Beckett's face was pale. Greyish even. She was probably as dizzy, nauseated and disoriented as Alexis remembered being when she first woke up here. She hoped that Beckett wouldn't throw up. Especially since she couldn't move from the bed.

Kate's pupils focused and it was as though she recognized her for the first time since regaining consciousness. "Alexis?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing here?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you might."

"Are you…" Kate stared at her. At her stomach. "Are you okay?"

Alexis tightened her lips. She _knew_. Kate knew about the baby and it bothered her even though it should have been the least of her concerns. Of course her father would have spilled to Beckett. _Of course_.

"We- I, yes, I'm fine." Alexis told her. "What about you? Did he hurt you?"

Kate shook her head. "No." She pressed a hand to her forehead as if struggling to remember, just as Alexis had when she first woke up. "He…he used Lily to lure me to a meeting spot, I'm not exactly sure what happened afterwards."

"How did he contact you?"

Beckett blinked hard, slowly coming out of her drug induced stupor. "He texted me."

"Texted?"

"He's been contacting me since I got back."

"What?"

"He's the man who took me."

"Oh my God…" Alexis moved a hand to her mouth. Stunned. "The man who held you captive for six years now took us. _Why_?"

Beckett gave Alexis a blank stare. "I honestly don't know."

"Do you remember being here? In this house?"

She shook her head. Frustrated and apologetic. "No. It's possible that I was but I still can't remember anything,"

"It's okay," Alexis told her. "But we need to get out of here."

"Yes," Beckett pushed herself up against the iron rods of the bedframe, while Lily did the same, wide awake and leaning against her now. Beckett used her free arm to pull her close. "We do. Were you and Lily brought here together?"

"No. I was the first one, then he brought in Lily."

"He was alone?"

"Yes. As far I know. He came into the room alone and I haven't seen or heard anyone else in the house."

Alexis could see Beckett's mind working. Trying to come up with a plan of attack. "He's outnumbered then."

"Except, he's armed and you're handcuffed." It wasn't three against one. It was her and a nine-year old up against a strong, fit man with a gun.

"You're free," Kate pointed out. "You have to catch him off guard, as soon as he enters. Find something to attack him with. Then you run, you take Lily…and you _run_! You get out. It's your only chance."

Alexis looked at her incredulously. She was _so_ hungry and _so_ tired. "What do you think I've been doing all night? I've been trying all night to get us a weapon."

Beckett's eyes darted around the room. "What about the pipe from the sink? Get it loose somehow. If you hit him on the head with it-"

"I tried!"

"Then try harder!"

"Mom," Lily looked distraught. "Alexis. Don't fight please."

Desperation was written all over Beckett's face. "I'm sorry. I'm not fighting, but-" She turned back to Alexis. "You have to catch him fast and unaware. If you don't, if he comes in here and you don't catch him as soon as that door opens, if you give him the chance to point a gun at you, it's too-"

She couldn't finish when the door suddenly swung open, hard and fast.

Neek entered the room with a gun already pointed at Alexis. "Look at that. Everyone's awake. I thought I'd have to wake you up, Kate, given what I gave you. But I should've known. You've developed such a tolerance to everything I've pumped into you these last six years, haven't you?"

Kate pulled Lily closer and Alexis swallowed hard.

She missed her chance of a surprise attack.

It was already too late.

* * *

 _Castle Residence, NYC_

"Mr. Castle _? Mr. Castle_?"

He felt a hand on his shoulder and jump-startled into wakefulness, unsure of where he was for second. He was on the sofa in the living room of the loft. Several men and one woman were in the room.

FBI agents.

Had he fallen asleep?

"Mr. Castle," the female agent's voice was low and gentle. "I promised to wake you if we found anything."

"Found anything?" His brain was still waking up and now he noticed that Alexis's fiancé, Leon, was draped over the armrest on the other side of the sofa he was sitting on, drooling onto it. They must have both fallen asleep sitting up in the early morning hours.

Castle noticed that there was a nearly full mug of coffee on the coffee table in from of him and that his neck was painfully stiff.

He stood up and massaged it, unsuccessfully trying to soothe the kinks. How could he have fallen asleep knowing his daughters, and probably Kate too, were in the hands of a mad man? What kind of a father did that? "I, uh- how long have I been out?"

"Not long. Couple of hours."

"I'm sorry-"

"Mr. Castle," the young blonde agent chided him. "You're running on fumes. The best thing you could do for your daughters was to get some rest."

He turned to the window, where the sun was beaming in. Had he slept through the morning? The pain in his neck magnified with the movement and Castle was glad. He deserved it. How could he have fallen asleep? "You said you found something?"

"Thanks to the tracker app in your daughter's phone we traced her movements yesterday."

"And?" He was so glad he'd forced her to install that as soon as she started helping him out at the PI agency.

"She came here yesterday morning, correct?"

"Yes." Guilt hit him along with the reminder of that awkward visit. Of course he'd already told the FBI about it, minus the details. If only he'd gotten up earlier. He could have intervened. Could have kept her at the loft and ironed things out between his daughter and Beckett and now he might never-

"Did she say anything to you before she left?"

"No. We didn't talk. She came here before I woke up. She spoke to Beckett and then left."

"So your ex-wife was here yesterday morning? You didn't mention _that_ to us, Mr. Castle."

"What does it matter?" Castle shot back. "I told you she was with me at the PI office. I gave you the burner phone and you saw the texts she sent me. I've come clean about everything. I don't know where she is now."

"I know, Mr. Castle. It's just that – every little bit helps. You know that. Until a few hours ago we focused exclusively on Lily's disappearance. Now we believe they are linked."

"So you tracked Alexis's phone?"

"She went to a coffee shop in Chelsea after she left here and we've located her phone there."

"You have?"

"It was in the lost-and-found drawer at the store, so we've pulled camera footage from inside the coffee shop and outside it. We've verified that she left with Nikolai Nemovsky. That the same man who took Lily also took Alexis."

"You verified what we already suspected and what do you mean, she left with him?"

"She knows him, right, Mr. Castle? He could have given her any number of reasons to leave the restaurant with him. The videocam footage shows she left the restaurant willingly. We suspect he drugged her, or otherwise subdued her, once he was alone with her."

Castle shuddered at the thought, grateful that Leon was sleeping and couldn't hear.

"We turned his apartment in the Bronx upside down last night. It's more like a hotel room than a home. The man's good at being invisible. We found very little personal info, but thanks to a parking registration form we got from the building landlord we now have a license plate. It's for a green Impala. One of the cars we saw on a streetcam by Lily's school shortly after she was taken was a green Impala. The plate number's already been forwarded to every police force in the state. If he went through a toll road, we'll know and we'll find him."

Castle exhaled. It was the most hopeful piece of news they'd gotten so far.

"We're working 'round the clock on this, Mr. Castle. We'll get him. Sooner rather than later."

"It has to be sooner."

"If this is the same man that took your wife, keep in mind that he kept her for six years. Kept her _alive_."

"Right," he exhaled, not the least bit comforted by that reminder. He knew that this was the end game. He was certain that Nieman had no plans to imprison his entire family for another six years. He'd taken both his daughters for an implicit reason, a big showdown, to tell the world whatever he'd failed to do over the last six years.

"What about Nieman?" he asked the agent.

The FBI agent frowned. "We know who took your daughters. The theory that Dr. Nicholas Nieman and Nikolai Nemovsky are the same person is just that, a theory. The last thing we want to do at this stage is waste our precious resources pursuing an uncertain lead. We know Nemovsky is behind this and we're going to find him."

Castle stuffed his shirt back into his jeans. "If you find Nieman, you'll find Nemovsky. I'd stake my life on it," he told the FBI agent. "If Nieman owns property near New York City that's where you might find Kate and my daughters." Now tell me who decides how to use our precious resources so I can convince them of it too."

* * *

 _South of Albany, New York_

Neek pointed the gun straight at Alexis's head. "Get over there," he ordered her. "Stand next to the tank."

Beckett could see Alexis's hesitation. She was still thinking of attacking, in spite of the gun. "Do as he says, Alexis," Kate yelled out to her, wanting to squash that thought before it took root. With herself still handcuffed to the bed, Alexis wouldn't stand a chance. The only way she would have stood a chance was in a surprise attack.

Thankfully, Alexis listened. She followed Neek's order and he promptly yanked out a second set of cuffs, this time chaining her to the giant tank. There was a steel, hook-like handle that stuck out on one side of it, different from the lever-like handle on the opposite side.

Beckett was holding Lily close and she could feel her daughter's heart racing after Neek finished cuffing Alexis to the tank. She dusted a kiss onto the top of her head. "The second you get a chance, you run," she whispered into her ear. "Run and don't look back. Got it?"

"Mom…" she whimpered.

"Go, to Alexis!" Beckett ordered her as Neek walked back to the bed. So what if she was handcuffed to the bed and so what if he had a gun, Beckett would fight him. She wasn't helpless. But she wanted Lily out of the way when it happened because she wouldn't risk any stray bullets hitting her daughter. If she could just get his gun, if she could shoot him then Lily could run…

Lily clung to her, unwilling to let go, but Beckett wouldn't have it and gave her a push. "Go baby, go to your sister."

Lily did as she was told but Neek intercepted Lily's mad dash towards Alexis. He grabbed her and tossed her over his shoulders as though she was weightless.

Beckett clenched her fists. _I'm going to kill you._

She watched in shock as Neek lifted her up over his head and put her in the glass tank. He threw her over so carelessly that she nearly went face first, but Lily curled into a ball just before she hit the floor, ending up on her side instead before bouncing back onto her feet.

 _Good girl._

Her daughter was dwarfed by the giant container. If she stretched her arms she could probably reach the top and possibly climb out, but it would require a lot of upper body strength. As if Neek was reading her mind and thinking the same thing, he slammed its glass top shut. Even if Lily could reach the top, Beckett doubted she had the strength to lift up the heavy glass cover.

"What are you doing?" Beckett demanded.

To answer her question, Neek yanked the handle that stuck out on the side of the contraption and suddenly water gushed into the tank from a pipe that connected it to the wall.

Judging from Lily's panicked reaction, it was cold. Alexis jumped back too, instinctively, even though she couldn't move far from the tank.

"Let's see how good of a swimmer she really is."

Beckett watched in shock as the water kept pouring into the tank. It came in fast, and at a high volume. It wouldn't take that long to fill the tank at that rate. Lily would drown if it was filled to the top.

But then Neek let go of the handle and the water flow stopped.

"You're insane," Beckett whispered in stunned disbelief.

"If you think that's crazy, wait until you see what you're going to do."

With that he turned around and left the room, leaving the door open.

Lily stood in a puddle of water, her socks soaked and she shivered. "It's cold," she told them, her voice muffled through the glass.

"Jump up and down," Alexis told her, try to push up the cover.

Beckett didn't waste a moment, she twisted herself around so that she could pull at the bar on the bed that she was handcuffed to. It had to come off somehow. It was just a bed frame.

She yanked at it so hard that the cuffs cut into her wrist, sending a trickle of blood down her arm. She didn't care. Beckett yanked harder hoping something might budge.

"Beckett!" Alexis called out. "Watch out! Behind you."

Neek was back in the room, carrying a small black canvas bag in one hand and his gun in the other. "Spare me the theatrics, Kate. Unless you bite off your hand you're not getting loose. I'm not that stupid."

Beckett watched him set down the canvas bag and open it up. There were five syringes inside and a giant butcher knife.

 _Oh no…no, no, no._

She'd scream and kick and claw his eyes out with her one free hand before she let him stick any one of those into her.

"What do you want?" she asked him again. "If you want to torment me, then do whatever you want to me, but let them go."

"What do I want?" he repeated her question. "It's very simple. I want the world to see you for the monster that you are. My sister was vilified for her desires, and you, you were glorified for it. Do you think that's fair, Kate?"

"Kelly was your sister, wasn't she? Kelly Nieman."

"She was. And you killed her with your bare hands." He wasn't so calm anymore. Anger and rage seethed behind his words.

"She's a psycho like you. She tried to cut up my face."

His nostrils flared and Beckett was pleased to see how easily she'd touched his buttons. How easily that thin veneer of controlled calm came undone.

"You're a police officer, trained to subdue a person. Not to kill."

"When that person is actively trying to kill you, the only way to subdue them is to end their life."

"Stabbed twenty-four times, with a scalpel. That's what the autopsy report said. You went at her as though she was a pincushion." Neek, no, not Neek. _Nicholas Nieman._ Castle had been right. If she somehow, by some miracle, got out of this alive, Beckett would gladly listen to him tell her "I told you so" for the rest of her life.

"She tried to kill me by cutting up my face. She was a psychopath who got turned on by helping a serial killer. One who likely would have kept killing if we hadn't stopped him. If you're waiting for me to apologize for ending her life you can wait a long time."

The muscles in his neck tightened and for a second Beckett thought he might strike her. It made her regret her bravado. Pushing his buttons to make him emotional, to make him more likely to make a mistake, was one thing. Pushing his buttons to her own detriment was just stupid.

"I don't need your apologies, Kate. All I need is for the world to see you for who you truly are."

"A monster."

"That's right," he nodded, solemn and serious. "A monster. Just like me and my sister,"

"You're trying to make me kill. It's what you've been trying to do for six years isn't it?"

"I won't have to try very hard today. I have a feeling you'll be a very willing accomplice."

Beckett glanced at the bag full of syringes. "Is that why you brought a bag full of drugs? Because I'm so willing?"

He chuckled. "We all need a shot of courage for something like this. Do you really think Richard Castle will care whether I drugged you or not after he finds out you killed one of his daughters?"

Terror tightened her chest and she could feel the tug of an old scar. Alexis followed the exchange with wide-eyed disbelief. "You're insane. I'd never hurt them. You'll have to kill me first."

"I have no intentions of killing you, Kate. I want you to live with what you've done."

He inched towards the bed and as soon as he was close enough, she stretched towards him and propelled all her body weight into one of her to give him a kick. It sent him stumbling backwards, but there wasn't force to topple him over.

"Is that how it's gonna be? You really want me to hurt you?"

"Kate, don't," Alexis pleaded from across the room.

"Come near me and I'll hurt you," Beckett promised him. She was not going to make this easy for him.

"If you want to fight me, you're going to lose." He walked over to the canvas bag and pulled out a syringe and stuck it in the pocket of the jeans jacket he was wearing. Then he approached the bed and Beckett was ready to send a kick straight into his face. He shifted sideways and she missed his chin by less than an inch. The momentary reprieve gave him enough time to move in on her and use the butt of his gun to hit her cheek so hard that stars suddenly danced at the edges of her vision.

Alexis gasped.

Pain flared through her entire head, but she didn't lose consciousness. Beckett blinked hard to stay alert and let it pass. But she was shell-shocked by the unexpectedly brutal attack just long enough for him to pull out the syringe and plunge it into her arm.

 _Fuck._

Nieman stepped back. "There. It was inevitable. But you always have to make things hard for yourself, don't you?"

Beckett tried to slow down her breathing, tried to slow down the efficiency of whatever he'd given her, but that was pointless too. It was already starting to blanket the pain that radiated through her face and replace it with something else. Something warm and wonderful. Something she'd craved so desperately for weeks now.

She was floating.

"You missed it, haven't you?"

Beckett stared up at him, no longer wanting to hurt him. Instead, she was oddly grateful that he'd given what she'd needed for weeks. What she hadn't been able to name or describe or obtain.

"Withdrawal must've been hell after six years. I'm a little surprised that it didn't kill you. But I should stop being surprised by you. I should have learned my lesson by now."

Beckett eyed him with relief, her lips curling into the slightest of smiles, as the last throb of pain left her face and she floated higher.

Light and free for the first time in a long time.

* * *

 _Castle Residence, NYC_

"We found the car!" An FBI agent announced it just as Castle handed his mother a cup of peppermint tea. He'd never seen Martha truly lose her composure before. Not when Alexis had been kidnapped, not when Beckett had been shot, or even at any one of his four weddings.

But she looked out of sorts now. She wore very little make-up and her hair was hastily tied back with a red, glittery band. Even the sweater she wore sat awkwardly on her thin shoulders.

The prospect of losing both her granddaughters was too much even for Martha Rodgers.

Castle made sure she had a firm grip on the mug of tea before he turned to the FBI agent. "Where?"

"A state trooper found it in a Walmart parking lot off the 87, near West Point."

"What does that mean, found it in a parking lot?"

"Could mean several things. That he's taken them nearby. That he switched cars. Forensics is there now, dusting the car for prints to see if one or both of your daughters were in it. We're looking at cameras in the area to see if we can spot him entering or leaving."

"So you found his car but no trace of him, or Lily, Alexis or Kate?"

"Mr. Castle, we're making progress. We're building a trail that will hopefully lead us to his doorstep. Finding the car, it's big. We have reasons to be hopeful here."

 _You didn't find the car,_ he wanted to tell them. _A state trooper found it by accident._

"What about Nieman, have you compiled a list of properties he might have owned? Places he's lived?"

The agent hesitated, long enough to let Castle know the answer was no. "We're working on it."

Castle wasn't sure whether to believe him. Whether he wasn't being handled. "I see." He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair, still messy from his earlier sofa nap. "Excuse me."

This was exactly why he'd asked Ryan to run a search on Nieman for him.

He reached for his cellphone and prayed that Kevin had better news than what he'd received from the FBI.

* * *

 _South of Albany, NYC_

Handcuffed to the tank, Alexis watched it all unfold. The way Neek slapped Beckett so hard that her head almost bounced off the rail she was handcuffed to. She watched the effects that the contents of the first syringe had on Beckett and kept an eye on Lily inside the tank, shivering in the ankle-deep puddle of cold water.

Her sister had taken off her wet socks, and that gesture only angered Neek and prompted him to press on the handle next to the tank and send in a fresh wave of water, until it was high enough that it went just past her ankles and began to soak her school dress pants.

Several long minutes went by before he pulled out a second syringe from his bag and injected its contents into Beckett's arm with no resistance from her this time.

The third followed almost immediately and by the time he pulled the fourth syringe out, Alexis watched horrified as that one made Beckett's eyes roll to the back of her head, knocking her out completely.

Lily watched it too and it made her cry. But then her sister suddenly banged her hands against the glass and yelled at Neek. It made Alexis jump.

"Stop hurting her!"

Alexis shook her head at Lily. _Don't. Don't make him angrier._

But it was too late, Neek already rushed back to the tank and pulled the handle again. "You want to go swimming already? Do you?"

More water gushed into the container and suddenly it came up to Lily's knees.

"I'll swim if you stop," Lily pleaded with him.

 _Oh Lily, no._

Neek smiled at the absurdity of her plea. "Don't worry, you'll swim soon enough, you little water rat."

There was another seemingly endless wait that they endured mostly in silence until Neek finally injected Beckett with the fifth and final syringe. It brought her back to consciousness so quickly that it made Alexis gasp.

Beckett bolted upright as soon as she was awake. Her eyes wide and confused, her pupils the size of dinner plates. She gasped for air at first and then doubled over before sitting back up and staring at Neek.

"Hey," he snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. "Welcome back." His voice was softer and gentler now. "How you feeling?"

She hesitated before nodding. "Good."

"I thought so."

"Lily…" Beckett stared straight ahead, past Neek.

"That's right. Your daughter."

Neek was talking to her like a child. A hypnotised, heavily medicated child.

It made Alexis shiver.

"Lily…" Beckett repeated. Mesmerised but neither shocked nor angry.

"Mom!" Lily cried out in response.

"You love her, don't you?" Neek asked Beckett.

"Yes." The answer came easily.

"You'd do anything for her, wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"I know you would. She's your flesh and blood. Your everything."

Beckett nodded.

"What if I told you that Alexis over there was trying to hurt her? To kill her?"

"No!" Alexis shot back. "It's not true. You know it's not. I'd never hurt Lily!"

"Hey!" Neek harshly cupped Beckett's jaw in his hand and turned her head towards him. "You believe me, don't you? You know I only tell you the truth. You know that you can't listen to those other voices. They want to confuse you. They want to hurt Lily."

Alexis caught the slightest nod coming from Beckett.

"If I tell you something, you'll do it. Because I'm the only one who knows what's real and what's good for you."

"No!" Alexis yelled out again. "He's lying! He drugged you! He put Lily in that tank!"

Neek turned around and raised his gun towards her. For a split-second Alexis thought it was all over. That he was going to pull the trigger. But all she got was a nasty glare.

She'd touched a nerve and that gave her hope. That maybe Beckett, in spite of drugs, wasn't as brainwashed and compliant as Neek assumed.

"Don't listen to the voice," he told her once more, still holding on to her jaw. "Only my voice is real."

"Yes…I know," she breathed out.

He pulled the knife from the canvas bag and handed it to her.

"Use the knife to cut your arm," he told her. "You need to do it. For Lily."

Alexis was shocked to see that Beckett didn't hesitate. She took the knife from him and used it to cut into her other arm, the one that was still handcuffed to the bed. A thin bloody line began near her wrist and ran down to her elbow.

"Mom, stop!" Lily yelled from the tank.

 _Oh God…_ Alexis put a hand to her mouth to muffle a gasp. They were screwed.

Neek grabbed the arm that was holding the knife, "That's enough. I don't want you passing out on me again."

Beckett stopped cutting herself. She held on to the knife while Lily cried inside the tank and drops of blood fell on the white bedsheet.

"I'm going to undo the handcuffs, Kate," Neek told Beckett. "And you're going to stay here until I need you to save Lily. Do you understand?"

Beckett seemed oblivious to the giant cut on her arm, as well as the smaller one on her wrist that was still bleeding too. If this was all an act to convince Neek to set her free, then Alexis was convinced she was the best actress in the world.

He uncuffed her and got up to move towards the tank, the gun still in his hand as he yanked on the handle, sending a fresh wave of water inside the container. It took Lily by surprise and nearly made her topple over before she regained her balance.

The water rushed in quickly and it was up past Lily's knees in no time.

Meanwhile Beckett was still as a statue, sitting on the bed watching it all unfold while her arm continued to bleed.

Alexis wanted Beckett to make it stop. To do _something_ now that she was free. But Neek was still holding the gun and Alexis balked at what he might do if Beckett turned on him, so she watched in stunned silence as the water kept pouring into the tank, with Lily occasionally crying out for both her mother and sister.

Eventually the water came to Lily's shoulders.

"You want it to stop, don't you?" Neek asked Beckett.

It was as though she didn't understand the question at first. "Stop?"

"You don't want her to drown do you?"

"No!" Beckett shook her head vehemently.

"You can make it stop."

"Me?"

"Yes, you." He turned to Alexis. "She's the reason that Lily's going to drown. You need to stop her. Kill her."

"Stop her." Beckett finally got up, unsteady on her feet to start. Her right hand clutched the knife and her other hand was covered in blood.

 _Jesus._

Lily was treading water now. Only her head and neck were above the water, sandwiched between it and the glass cover of the tank.

"You have to hurry," Neek told her.

"I'm not doing this," Alexis stammered. "Look at him, Kate. He's holding the handle. He's the one that's going this!"

"Do you want to save your daughter, Kate?"

"Yes…" Beckett looked anguished. "I will."

"It'll stop when you kill Alexis. You know it will. Because you know I'm telling you the truth."

" _Mom! Don't_!" Lily's arms splashed in the tank, her neck underwater too.

"You don't have much time, Kate!"

Beckett stared at Alexis, full of rage. "How could you?"

"I'm not…" Alexis was crying now too. Terrified of what would happen next. "I'd never hurt her. Never."

Beckett stepped closer until she was right across from Alexis. Close enough to strike her with the knife. "You're lying. Stop being such a goddamned bitch. Stop hurting me and Lily. Don't make me do this to you."

"Please, Kate. You don't want to do this. You love my Dad too much…" She was bawling now, unashamed of it, because Kate was already raising the knife, ready to plunge it into her.

Alexis closed her eyes.

 _I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry._

Lily's chin was underwater and she struggled to keep treading water. To breathe, in the ever-tightening space between the water and the glass roof. Occasionally trying to push up into the glass with her hands in a futile effort to raise it.

"What the hell are you waiting for?" Neek's voice thundered through the room. "If you don't kill her, Lily will die!"

Alexis braced herself for the searing pain of the knife's impact, but it never came.

She opened her eyes to see Beckett turn around and face Neek instead.

Neek had one hand on the lever and a gun pointed at Beckett with the other. The shock was written all over his face. "What the hell-"

Beckett didn't hesitate anymore.

She lunged at him full-force.

And Neek fired.


	36. Chapter 36

**36**

 _South of Albany, NY_

It all happened so fast that Alexis barely had time to react.

Instead of stabbing her, Beckett turned in the other direction with lightning speed and lunged at Neek.

Thrown by the unexpected attack, Neek let got of the handle that was attached to the tank and fired at Beckett.

Alexis pressed her eyes shut right after he fired the gun because she couldn't bear to watch. Couldn't stand to see Lily's mother gunned down point-blank in front of her.

Except she wasn't.

Beckett must have ducked to the side, just enough so that the bullet missed her. Because how else could she have kept going? How else could she have continued her attack?

The force of the impact knocked Neek to the ground, and Alexis's eyes sprung open again, watching as Beckett plunged the butcher knife into him before he hit the floor.

It all took place in a matter of seconds and amidst all the chaos, both Lily and Neek screamed.

Meanwhile, Beckett was relentless. She stabbed him again. Twice. Three times.

Neek did fight back and he managed to throw her body off of his, tossing her aside with surprising force. Beckett landed on her back and stayed there, long enough that Alexis feared that maybe Neek knocked her out.

But then she saw Beckett turn sideways and get back up on shaky legs. Unable to stay up though, she fell right back down on her knees.

In the middle of their struggle, the gun had dropped to the ground and both of them now dove for it.

Neek's injuries had slowed him down and he was breathing hard, struggling to move while clutching at a wound in his chest.

But Beckett's movement was hampered too and Alexis now realized that maybe she'd been wrong. The bullet from Neek's gun had hit her after all. A new and growing blood stain oozed from her left shoulder.

She crawled towards the gun on her hands and knees, sluggish and uncoordinated. But she still managed to reach it just before Neek's hand stretched for it, beating him to it by an inch at the most.

Beckett wobbled like a drunk and wheezed from the exertion, but she got back on her feet and wrapped her finger around the trigger as soon as she aimed the gun at him. Then she fired off two rounds in quick succession. Straight into the centre of his body mass.

Neek's body seized and twitched and then it stopped moving altogether, his limbs folding like broken matchsticks, just before he crashed to the floor.

Beckett remained standing long enough to watch it all, until suddenly her legs gave out as well.

"Kate!" Alexis yelled. "No!"

But Beckett's eyes had already rolled to the back of her head and she'd barely been able to break her fall. The gun slipped from her hand and it fell to the floor with a metallic thud.

"Oh God…"

There was a growing pool of blood around Neek's body and Alexis was certain that he was dead. That he couldn't have survived two bullets to the chest right after Beckett's attack with the knife.

Beckett was lying on the ground not far from him, bleeding too. Her entire left arm seemed to be coated in a thin layer of red, soaking the hoodie she wore.

 _Shit._

And just as quickly as the commotion had started, it died.

The entire room was instantly, eerily silent, until Alexis heard a slash of water coming from the glass tank that she was still handcuffed too.

"Mom…" It was barely louder than a whimper. The sound of Lily's voice coming from inside the tank.

Alexis swallowed and tried to fight back the sudden urge to throw up after everything she'd just witnessed. She didn't want to think about Lily having watched it all too.

Alexis clenched her teeth, willing her stomach to cooperate. _Not now. Concentrate on something else._

The water flow into the tank had stopped as soon as Neek's hand released the lever but it was already so high that Lily could no longer stand. She had to tread water to stay afloat and breathe. Amazing swimmer or not, she couldn't do that forever. Especially not with her school clothes weighing her down.

"Kate!" Alexis called out to Beckett again.

She _had_ to wake up. Beckett was their only chance of getting out of here. What could she do while still handcuffed to the damn tank? The same tank that had her sister trapped inside it.

Panic surged in her chest.

 _Please, Kate. You gotta wake up._

"Kate! Come on, you have to wake up! You did not do this so we could all end up dying in here. I know you didn't. If anyone can do this it's you. I swear I'll never ask anything else of you ever…. But you have to do this. You have to wake up. For Lily."

She kept yelling. Louder until her throat hurt.

But none of it elicited a sign of life from Beckett.

Whether it was the syringes full of drugs in her system or the blood loss from the cuts and the bullet wound or the punches she'd taken since coming here, Beckett was down for the count. She was as deathly still as Neek and it terrified her.

Beckett had taken out their biggest threat, but they were still captive. There was no way for her to get out of the handcuffs.

Alexis's heart pounded. She really was going to be sick.

She felt her stomach twist before she dry-heaved violently, multiple times, until her whole body shuddered. Trying to expel something that wasn't there. She's hadn't eaten in more than 24 hours. There was nothing to throw up.

Nothing.

She'd watched a man die in front of her eyes and now she couldn't stop shaking. Heaving.

It couldn't end like this. It couldn't.

"Alexis…" Lily's fist pounded against the tank. "Alexis?"

 _Lily._

Her litter sister brought her back to the present. Jarred her from her morbid thoughts.

 _Think, think, think._

Lily wasn't handcuffed or unconscious.

If she could get Lily out of the tank-

"Lily," Alexis turned to the tank and to her sister's tear-stained face. Brushed aside her own tears. "We have to get you out of the tank. You have to go for help."

"How?" Lily bobbed up and down in the water.

"We have to lift the cover."

If she could lift the glass cover then Lily could get out. Alexis stood on her tip toes, body pressed against the glass and attempted to use both arms to raise it but she couldn't. Her handcuffed hand wouldn't reach far enough.

One arm. She had to find a way to lift the cover with one arm.

It was hard to get a decent grip and when she first tried to push it up, it didn't budge at all.

 _Fuck._

Alexis tried again, using every ounce of strength she had and this time she raised it about half an inch. She collapsed against the glass wall after her efforts. Both encouraged and disheartened.

It wasn't sealed. In other words, it was _possible_ to move it. But using every ounce of her strength had raised it less than an inch. Not enough room even for her skinny sister to slip through. Not by a long shot.

"Lily," she called out to her sister. "I need your help. We both have to lift up this cover together. I can't do it alone."

"How?"

"Push it up from inside. Dive under the water and propel yourself out. Like you did at Taylor's pool last time we were there." She'd seen Lily do it before. Using the strength of her legs, she could shoot out of a pool like a dolphin. If she did that now and pushed on the glass at the same time as Alexis did, maybe they could raise it more than an inch. "You have to try," she coaxed her still shell-shocked sister.

Alexis wanted to dive into the water and hug her. Not force her to try and save their lives. Not after everything she'd witnessed.

But there was no time for any of that.

If no one knew where Neek had taken them, they'd all die in here. She could scream at the top of her lungs and no one would hear them down here in the basement.

Their only chance was for at least one of them to get out and get help.

Lily did as Alexis told her and as soon as she propelled up from the water, they both simultaneously pushed at the glass cover. This time raising it more than an inch.

This was possible.

It had to be.

"Lily, do it again."

"It's hard," her sister protested.

"I know, but you have to do this. Push it up again and this time try and squeeze your body into the opening. Put your foot through it first, then the rest of your leg. Even if it hurts and even if it scrapes your skin, you _have_ to do this, Lily."

Her sister looked as though she might cry again.

"You can do this, Lil. You're tough and strong. Just like your Mom."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are." Alexis exhaled, trying hard to keep it together. "Try it again."

Lily did and this time she managed to squeeze one of her feet into the gap, before it slipped back out and she fell back into the water.

"Again," Alexis told her after a quick break. Praying that this would work, that she wasn't wasting her sister's precious energy on this.

She was sweating with the effort to lift the cover with one hand when Lily again rocketed out of the water. This time her sister got her entire foot through the opening.

"Yes!" Alexis yelled. "Yes! Get your whole leg in there! Push yourself up into it."

Once her foot was through, the opening widened. It was a few inches wide now.

"Lily, you're doing amazing! Don't let yourself slip back into the water!"

Half of her sister's leg was through the gap now and so was her arm. It was her head and the rest of her body that was the most difficult, because her body weight alone wasn't enough to lift the heavy cover. It barely budged with every new inch of herself that Lily wedged through.

Alexis winced when she saw that the metal edge of the glass cover scraped her sister's back. But she wouldn't let it deter Lily.

The opening was so wide now that Alexis was no longer able to help push it up. Even the tips of her fingers could barely reach it.

"You're almost there, Lil! Keep pushing through it."

Her sister's head slowly emerged outside the tank along with the rest of her. If she shifted her body weight now, she'd topple over the outside of the tank, not inside, and she'd land on the floor with a thud.

More than half her body was now outside of the tank.

"Try to hang on to the edge with your hands," Alexis told her so that she wouldn't fall over sideways and hurt herself even more.

Once she was ready to let go, Lily tried to follow Alexis's advice, to hang on with her hands on the edge, but the surface was wet and slippery and she wasn't able to do it for more than a second.

It did however brace her fall and at least she went down feet first, not head first.

It made for a bumpy landing, but not one that would leave her injured.

Alexis wanted to kiss her when she saw Lily get back up on wobbly legs, shivering madly in her wet clothes.

"Lily, come here," Alexis called to her. "Take off your clothes."

But Lily wasn't listening. She ran towards her mother and then kneeled down next to her, oblivious to some of the blood that was on the floor. That too made Alexis wince.

"Mom! Wake up." Lily put her cold, wet hands on her mother's cheeks, stroking them at first and them slapping them gently, just as Alexis had done when Neek first brought Beckett into the room. "Mom, please wake up. Please."

But there was still no reaction from Kate.

"Mom, please wake up."

" _Lily!"_ Alexis called out to her but her sister wasn't listening.

"Mom, wake up." She kept repeating it over and over. As if Beckett would eventually hear her if she said it often enough.

When that didn't happen Lily finally stopped and starting sobbing. She rested her head on her mother's chest, draped her arms around her and cried. Loud, devastated sobs that echoed through the room.

Alexis's chest tightened. _Oh God, Lil. You're breaking my heart._

She wiped away a tear of her own before she yelled her sister's name again. So loudly that it drowned out her crying. "Lily, stop!"

Lily finally raised her head in Alexis's direction. "She's dead. Mom's dead."

"Sweetie, you don't know that."

"She's not waking up."

"Come here, Lil."

"She's not waking up. She's dead."

"Lily, please, come here."

Slowly and reluctantly her sister let go of her mother and came over to Alexis. Still shivering hard. She finally had the chance to pull her in for a hug. "Lil, you did so well. I'm so proud of you." She kissed the top of her sister's head and tried to give her some of her body warmth. She didn't want to think of what all this would do to her, the things that she'd seen and done tonight.

But Alexis pushed the thought from her mind. Getting them out alive was the only thing that mattered.

"You're amazing," Alexis told her, holding on to her trembling body tightly. "But I need you to be strong a little longer. I need you to listen to me, can you do that?"

"What about Mom?"

"We're gonna help her, okay?"

Lily wiped her nose with the sleeve of her wet sweater and gave her a barely perceptible nod. "Okay."

"Take off your wet clothes."

"Everything?"

"Just your sweater and pants for now." It was so cold in the room. Her sister was going to freeze to death with all that wet fabric clinging to her. "Quickly." Alexis also had no idea whether there might be someone else in this house, even though there'd been no indication of it so far. There was still a chance that there was someone else here who might be willing and able to finish Neek's job. "Then use the blanket that's on the bed to dry yourself."

Lily did as she asked but after she was done and finally stopped shaking she started crying again. "Lexis, she's dead. Mom's dead. Neek's dead. They're both dead."

"Lily, look at me," Alexis desperately wanted her sister to stop staring at the two bleeding bodies on the floor. She didn't want that image seared into her brain. "You don't know that. She could just be unconscious."

'She's bleeding…"

"Lily, stop!" Alexis shivered too. "We have to get her help and I can't do that alone because I'm handcuffed to this tank. Do you think you can go upstairs and see if there's a phone?"

The door leading outside wasn't closed. Obviously Neek hadn't thought that escape was a possibility after he entered the room that last time.

"I'm scared."

"I know. But you're the only who can get us help. Your Mom's life is depending on getting her out of here."

"It's dark."

Alexis cringed. She didn't want to send Lily up there alone either. And what if there was no landline in the house? She thought about other options. "There might a phone in Neek's pocket."

Her sister stared at her wide-eyed and then shook her head to shoot that idea down. _Nope._

"You want to help your Mom, don't you?"

"Yes…"

"You have a choice, Lily. Go upstairs and look for a phone to call 911 or search Neek's pockets. He had a cellphone on him last time he was here. You do whichever one is easier for you, but you _have_ to do one of them, okay?"

"Okay," her voice was a whisper. "I'll check his pockets."

"Okay. But put on your shoes first." Alexis didn't want Lily to step into that pool of blood barefoot and her shoes were still there, next to the bed.

Lily walked over to the bed and slipped into her shoes and then she made a beeline for Neek's body. She wavered for only a moment before she squatted down next to him and snaked her little fingers into the pockets of his jean jacket. "I can't find a phone," her voice was trembling when she pulled out a set of keys from one of his pockets and held them up. "That's all there is."

Alexis tried to hide her disappointment until she saw a long narrow key attached to the key ring.

"That's okay. Bring it over to me! Forget about the phone."

Lily stood back up with the keys in her hand, her attention already back on her mother. Distracted.

"Lily!"

She turned back to Alexis. "You want the keys?"

"Yes."

Lily brought the keys over to her and Alexis grabbed the keychain, searching for the thin, long one with the round handle. When she found it she stuck it into the handcuffs that chained her other hand to the tank.

She felt the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders when they opened with the sound of a click.

She was free.

"Oh, Lily." Alexis took off her sweater as soon as she had the chance and put it on her half naked sister before she engulfed the girl in a proper hug with both arms. "You did so good." She kissed her cold cheeks. "So, _so_ good."

But Lily was still shivering and she started crying again. "We have to help Mom."

Alexis nodded and grabbed Lily's hand. She wasn't going to let go of her again. "Come with me, and don't look at Neek anymore. Don't look at him at all."

"Okay."

Alexis rushed to Beckett's side and squatted down next to her, bending over her to listen for the sound of breathing, while pressing her index and middle fingers on her neck to check for a pulse.

 _Please let there be one._

Relief coursed through her when she finally felt a dull but steady throb against her finger tips.

 _Thank you, thank you, thank you._

"She's not dead, Lil. Not dead."

"She's alive?"

"Yes. She's just unconscious. Not dead, okay?"

Lily nodded, her lower lip trembling and then slowly lifting into a smile. But needing it reiterated nonetheless. "She's alive?"

"Yes. Definitely, definitely alive."

She needed to keep it that way, Alexis realized, staring at Beckett's arm which was a bloody mess. Literally.

She slowly pulled Beckett's hoodie off her injured shoulder and gasped when that seemed to release a fresh flow of blood and it triggered a groan from Kate.

"Hey, Kate," she couldn't help a smile. She didn't think it was possible to feel this much joy and relief. "Welcome, back."

Beckett's eyes struggled to stay open and they didn't succeed.

 _Shit,_ Alexis thought. _Don't just sit here, do something._

She grabbed the bed sheet and ripped what was left of it apart, tearing into several smaller strips and then using them to bandage Beckett's arm. To slow the flow of blood in the spots where it was needed the most. She groaned again when Alexis pressed down on the bullet wound but she never reached full consciousness.

Alexis knew it was a band-aid solution that wouldn't last long. She just hoped it would last long enough until they got help.

If Beckett couldn't support her own body weight, there was no way Alexis could carry her out of here. Not even with Lily's help. Especially not up the stairs.

She moved one of the stained pillows under Kate's head and covered her body with the blanket.

"We're not leaving her here, are we?"

"We have to. We can lift her."

"But we can try…"

"We can't waste the time. Or risk hurting her more. We gotta get help. Now."

"But we can't leave her here with him…"

"He's not gonna hurt her anymore. We have to go." Alexis kneeled down and gave Kate's hand a squeeze. "You hang in there, okay? We need you stick around for good this time." Then Alexis grabbed the gun that was lying on the floor. If there was anyone else in this house, she was ready to fight them.

"Come on, Lil." She grabbed her sister's hand. "Let's get the hell out of here."

Her sister's shoes were stained from when she'd gone over to Neek's body to search for a cellphone, and now they left bloody footprints with every step she took. Alexis so badly wanted to put her sister under a hot shower and wash it all off. Warm up her body until it stopped shivering.

But that was something else they didn't have time for.

She prayed there was a phone upstairs.

But if there wasn't, at least there was a car key fob on the ring of keys that she'd stuffed into the pocket of her pants.

They could drive out of here if need be and barring that, they could walk. She'd carry Lily if she had to.

However far and long it would take. Alexis was certain of it now. She _was_ going to get them out of here.

All of them. Beckett, Lily, herself and the baby.

* * *

 _Castle residence, NYC_

"Mr. Castle." It was the young, blonde FBI agent again.

"What is it?" He'd been pacing in the rom for the last two hours, certain that he'd worn an oval pattern into his hardwood floors. There was an apprehension in her voice the he noticed instantly.

"We just got a call from the Albany PD. They said a state trooper contacted them, saying he pulled into a gas station south of the city fifteen minutes ago to answer a call for help. When he got there he found a young woman and a child in distress. The woman said she's Alexis Castle and that the girl is her sister, Lily. She said they escaped a kidnapping."


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N:** The last part of this chapter is slightly M-ish. Definitely not enough so to change the rating of the story, but just a little warning for those who might not dig that sort of thing. Much as the bulk of this story wasn't really meant to be a romance, I needed a bit of fluffy Caskett lovin' after all the angst and torment. :)

* * *

 **37**

 _Albany Medical Center, Albany, NY_

He must have fallen asleep at some point.

After two of the longest days of his life.

Racing up here in a convoy of three cruisers, with Martha, Leon, Espo and Ryan in tow. Then making sure that his daughters were alright. Hovering over Lily for several hours as a doctor checked her out and reassured him multiple times that she was fine, physically anyway. After they cleaned up all the scrapes she got from climbing out of that tank.

Letting her sit on his lap while a trauma counsellor asked her a few gentle questions, until she too was on the verge of falling asleep and he'd asked Martha to take her to a nearby hotel.

He'd fretted over Alexis too, even though the doctors assured them both that the drugs that Nieman had given her to knock her out posed no danger to the baby. He'd observed several tender exchanges between her and Leon and it gave him hope that there was something to salvage between them.

Then his possibly future son-in-law had taken Alexis down to the hospital cafeteria where she inhaled a plate of potatoes, mixed veggies and a beef pot pie.

Castle had left them there and finally allowed to himself to focus on Beckett.

As soon as Beckett was transported from the isolated farm house where they'd been held, the FBI and the boys and half the Albany police force, descended on it like vultures.

They'd take it apart with a fine-tooth comb.

Beckett was still unconscious when she was brought in. The doctors patched up her arm, telling him they wanted to do some minor surgery on her shoulder to repair the damage from the bullet. But that they couldn't do it now. Anaesthesia was out of the question with all the drugs in her system. So they'd stitched her up as best as they could until she was able to do the surgery in a day or two.

He remembered sitting at her bedside, staring at the IV that ran into her good arm. The one that wasn't swathed in wound dressing. Remembered wanting her to wake up so bad, because it terrified him that it might not happen at all. Even though the doctors had given him no reason to believe that.

Then, after all that, he must've keeled over. Literally. Faceplanted into the side of her hospital bed. Because that's how he found himself now, with his butt still on the chair while his arms were folded underneath him and his nose was squished into the thin hospital blanket. He was on the verge of waking up because he could feel fingers running through his hair, tickling his scalp.

"Hey…"

Castle raised his head and a smile spread across his face, seeing her golden-brown eyes wide open, staring at him. "Oh, hi."

"You're smiling. That means Lily and Alexis…they're okay?"

He reached for her hand. It was warm. Good sign. "They're okay. Better than you. You been awake long?"

"Not that long. What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"No." She ran her thumb across the top of his hand. "I remember…I remember him taking me to the house. Waking up in a basement with Lily and Alexis. I remember being handcuffed but…" She narrowed her brows, frustrated. "Nothing after that."

"He drugged you," he told her, thinking back to the lengthy statement that Alexis gave the police. It still gave him chills when he thought back to the things she told them. If Kate didn't remember the bastard trying to drown Lily then he wouldn't bring it up. Not yet. "Then you went at him with a knife even though he had a gun."

She raised her brows. "Am I that crazy?"

"Apparently."

"Is that why I'm here? In another hospital bed?"

"Shoulder wound. Apparently, you also ducked to the side just as he fired. Could have been much worse." That was something else he didn't want to think about. How _much_ worse it could have been. "You killed him and it gave Alexis and Lily the chance to escape."

Kate turned over so that she was lying on her back and Castle caught the wince on her face after she moved. She stared at the ceiling and exhaled slowly. "Good."

"You saved their lives."

"Worth it then."

She turned her face towards him. "What about the warrant for my arrest, are they still-"

"Kevin called me before I dozed off. The farm house where they held you is a gold mine of evidence. They're already finding links to the murder of that girl. The one where they found a weapon with your prints. The warrant is still out but I'm guessing it won't be by the end of the day."

"Oh-"

"The house belonged to Nieman's grandparents. Esposito found out about the property yesterday and I'd have bugged him to check it out at some point. But by the time we would have done it, it would've been too late. They found a freaky, high-tech lab there, full of drugs and chemicals some of which they can't even name. It's gonna be a long investigation." It gave him goosebumps to think of what the long-term effects might be, of him pumping Kate full of that stuff for six years. But he forced himself to push those thoughts away. _Not now_.

"So it was Nicholas Nieman. You were right."

"Told you so."

Her lips curled into a smile. "You're such a smart-ass."

"You love my ass.'

Her smiled widened. "It's true. I can't even argue with that."

"By the way, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

"Sore, I guess. My whole left arm feels…weird. Numb." She tried to sit up but Castle gave her a gentle push back.

"Take it easy-"

"Can I see Lily?"

"I had Martha take her to a hotel. She was pretty wiped out. And those two…they're good for each other."

"They have a beautiful connection."

"They do. Ying and yang. Lots of mutual love."

"I'm glad," Kate sighed. "You know what I'd like? I'd like to get out of here."

Castle frowned. "I mentioned you got drugged and shot, right? That you were out for several hours?"

"You didn't mention that last one. But seriously, I don't want-"

"Sorry. Not tonight," he cut her off. "You're not getting out tonight."

She groaned, clearly not liking that answer.

"For someone who leaps off of tall buildings and runs into gunfights with knives, you're such a baby when it comes to hospitals."

"I'm just…tired of being away. From you, from our family. I've wasted so much time already."

"You recovering here, getting the medical care you so obviously need. That's not a waste of time."

She sighed again and turned her head to the juice box sitting on the bedside table. "No Lily, no leaving. Can I have some apple juice at least?"

" _That_ I can do," he told her. He remembered a nurse telling him it was alright for her to have some when she woke up. Castle pushed a button that raised the back of her bed, so she could drink it without moving too much. He handed her the juice box and took it from her when she was done.

For all her groaning about wanting to leave, the mere effort of drinking a few sips of apple juce seemed to wipe her out because now she struggled to stay awake.

He leaned over to plant a kiss on her forehead before lowering the bed again. "Get some rest."

"Castle-"

"Hmm?"

"Stay a little longer?"

She was already half asleep, mumbling the question with closed eyes.

This he could do. _Wanted_ to do.

"Was actually planning to stay for the rest of your life."

She didn't hear him. But now he had plenty of other chances to remind her.

* * *

 _Albany Medical Center, Albany, NY_

 _Next day_

Kate Beckett had been awake since 5:47am, according to the small grey alarm clock on the bedside next to her, and she was getting restless. She was itching to get out of here but the doctors who'd seen her first thing this morning had other ideas. Telling her they wanted to do the surgery here instead of risking more damage to her shoulder by moving her to New York and doing it there. It would mean waiting a little longer still until the drugs were completely out of her system.

It would mean another night's stay, at least, and that would require a patience she didn't have.

Following the doctor, Esposito had been her second visitor that morning, bringing along a custard filled donut and a giant grin. "You tryin' break a record or somethin'? Wanna see how many times you can get shot without dying?"

He'd made her smile and he brought good news too. The charges against her were officially dropped. They were gathering increasing evidence that Nieman was behind the murder of the woman found in the abandoned factory in the Bronx.

But apparently, Beckett's prints were all over that house. Especially the basement.

She'd been held there before and it tore at her that she couldn't remember a thing.

"Aside from the lab, there were two laptops and a desktop there too. Techs are gonna are comb through them and I gotta feeling we're gonna find a lot of dirt on that guy. I don't think he ever imagined anyone finding his little hiding place. The apartment in New York was more like a hotel room. The farmhouse was where he kept everything."

She'd wanted to know why Nieman took on that job as a swimming instructor. Why go to the trouble to take one some Russian guy's identity? Was it just to get close to Lily?

She'd shuddered to think of the times when he'd been around her daughter. Wondered if he'd done anything-

Most of all hating that she still didn't have any memories beyond a few scattered images.

Javier had stopped her from going down that dark road.

"Hey…this thing. It's gonna be a long investigation. Might be weeks, months before we find out everything and there's nothin' to suggest he hurt her before yesterday. Don't speculate. You're the one he hurt for six years."

She wanted to be part of the investigation. More than that, she wanted to lead it. But she knew that would never happen. That even if the NYPD decided to reinstate her further down the road, they'd never let her investigate her own kidnapping. Or her captor's murders.

"Will you at least keep me posted?"

"'Course." He'd dug into his paper bag for a second donut and offered her another one too. But she declined. One had been plenty. "By the way, did you know that Castle made us dig into this guy's history? We ended up finding about this farmhouse when we did our digging. His grandparents left it to both him and his sister. Official records indicate it was sold. But when we did a little more digging, we found out it was sold…to a person who doesn't exist."

"Lemme guess, Nick Nieman, using another alias?"

"Bingo."

"Thanks to Castle and his crazy theories, we'd probably have made our way to place eventually, but it would've been too late."

Kate had shivered at that thought too and then Castle and Lily were suddenly standing in the hospital doorway and all her dark thoughts had vanished.

Javi had excused himself and Kate had thanked him for the treat but her attention had already, unapologetically, drifted to her daughter and she had a sudden urge to examine her from head to toe, to make sure nothing was broken or damaged.

"Hey, sweetie." Lily had come to her bedside before Castle did and Kate instinctively tried to put her arms around her until a bolt of pain shot through her left side that took her breath away and reminded her that she'd been shot in the shoulder less than 24 hours ago.

She'd then gotten flack and concern from Castle, but she didn't care. Lily was alive and well and walking and breathing right in front of her eyes. It overshadowed the newfound maturity on her daughter's face that broke her heart a little. The events of yesterday had forced her to grow up in the span of hours. To see things that Beckett had hoped she'd never ever have to see. Especially not at nine-years old.

So they'd ignored that elephant in the room and talked about mundane, happy things. Until something that Beckett said had even prompted a smile on Lily's face.

However Lily was going to handle what happened yesterday, one thing was certain, Kate would be there for it this time. She'd already decided that if Castle and Lily were fine with it, she was ready to return to the loft, to her family.

Alexis would have to deal with it.

Then they'd both planted a kiss on her, Lily on her cheek and Castle on the lips, and had then left to grab some breakfast in the hospital cafeteria.

A nurse came in afterwards and had asked her how she was doing. Whether she needed any pain medication and she'd shocked herself by saying yes. Because she'd gone without all morning and trying to hug her daughter had made her feel as though she'd torn off her arm.

Her current restlessness was proof that it was working, because now all she wanted was to get out of here again.

"Hey-"

Beckett turned to the doorway of her room, surprised to see one member of the Castle family she hadn't really expected to see this morning. Or at all.

"Alexis."

The young woman walked over to her bed and pulled up a chair.

"How…how are you?" Kate asked her.

"I feel like you're always asking me that when I should be asking you that first."

"I'm okay," Kate told her. "I'm alive. Thanks to you."

Alexis offered her a lop-sided smile. "And I'm alive thanks to you. So I guess we're even. Lily gets a lot of credit too. She freed herself, and then me."

"Is everything okay?" Kate's eyes darted to her stomach.

"Yeah…the doctors said the drugs shouldn't have harmed the baby. I ate a massive plate of food after we got here. Threw up most of it an hour later. Feels like everything is back to normal."

Kate smirked. "I'm glad. Glad you're okay."

"Same here."

"What exactly happened?" she wanted to know. She couldn't ask Lily, didn't want to drag her little girl back there. But she could ask Alexis.

"How much do you remember?"

"I remember waking up in the basement. I remember Nieman coming in with a bag of syringes and cuffing you to that weird glass container. After that it gets fuzzy."

"You tried to fight him even though you were handcuffed. But he was stronger. He injected you with all five of the syringes."

Beckett winced as Alexis told her the rest. That she thought Beckett was about to kill her but then attacked Nieman instead.

"I'm sorry-"

"Maybe it was the drugs, but you seemed so angry with me down in that basement. I don't even know what made you change your mind. Made you go for Nieman instead."

Beckett frowned, "Maybe I realized he was the real threat, in spite of all the crazy drugs. Or maybe-he just picked the wrong person."

Alexis's didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"You. Thinking that he could make me hate you enough to harm you. I don't think I could. You're Castle's daughter. You're family to me."

Alexis bit the inside of her cheek and shifted in her chair, as if suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't blame you if you hate me. I've given you plenty of reasons lately."

"Alexis-"

"Please," Alexis cut her off. "I need to say this. You tell me that I'm family but I haven't treated you like family. I haven't even treated with the sort of kindness that I'd like think I'd offer a stranger. I've been nothing but awful to you since you got back." She wiped a sudden lone tear from her eyes. "The things I said at the loft the other day…it was so out of line. I wish I could take it back. Erase that moment in time." She bit her lip. "I'm so sorry."

Beckett nodded, accepting the apology. "It's okay."

"When you first came back I thought that things had just gotten normal again. After all these years, my Dad was finally happy again. He had a new family…and I thought you coming back it would turn everything upside down. That it would confuse Lily, that it would hurt Dad and Hayley…and it was such a stupid, selfish thing to get hung up on."

"It's…human. To want things to be familiar. Normal."

"When we were in that basement and you passed out, Lily thought you'd died. As soon as she got out of that tank she ran over to you. She tried to get you to wake up and when she couldn't, she was devastated. Inconsolable. She didn't want to let go of you."

Beckett couldn't swallow past the lump in her throat. "I-"

"I was so stupid to think that you coming back could somehow hurt us. Hurt Lily. When it's the exact opposite. She's spent her whole life wanting a mother, and I foolishly thought that me and Hayley, we could make up for that. But you coming back means the world to her. To my dad too." Alexis paused. "And, you're right. We're family. I love you too and I've done a really shitty job of letting you know that these last few weeks."

"Okay, stop now," Beckett wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Don't make me cry. Not allowed."

Alexis sniffled and then bit back an unexpected laugh. "No more crying but…" Her face was serious again. "I needed to say this. It was overdue. And there's something else, I'd be really happy if you came home. Back to the loft. Lily, Dad, Grandma…they want you there so much. Let us all love you and help you get your life back."

She couldn't help the tears that refused to stop. Hadn't realized just how badly she'd wanted that too. And how much she needed Castle's daughter to be all right with it. "Okay."

But Alexis was crying too, crying and grinning at the same time. "Good. 'Cause it's the least we can do after jumped headfirst at a guy holding a gun at you and saving all our lives."

* * *

 _Castle residence, NYC_

 _One week later_

They were both on the big leather couch in the living room, stretched out along it sideways, with Castle's back leaning against the arm rest and Beckett's back leaning against his chest, her legs between his, trying hard to favour her right side and to let all her upper body weight fold in that direction. But it was a challenge so Castle helped her out by placing the softest of pillows underneath her left shoulder and upper back, using is as a buffer between her body and his. Easing the pressure.

"Better?" he whispered into her hair.

"Hmm…" she leaned her head back, until she could feel his chin on her cheek. Felt him plant a soft kiss there as soon as her skin made contact with his lips.

She had the shoulder surgery three days ago, here in New York City, because there was no way she was hanging out in Albany for two nights. Getting comfortable since then had been a challenge. She hadn't slept more than a couple of hours at a time, even though Castle had turned their bed into a pillow fort, using that creative, brilliant brain of his to come up with all sorts of positions that would put the barest pressure on her left side, including a mound of pillows and blankets that basically prevented her from turning over. And much as she appreciated his ingenuity and thoughtfulness, the only positions she'd thought about will lying in bed with him, wide awake in the middle of the night, involved no pillows at all, no clothes either, and definitely not a sling that kept her left arm firmly locked in place.

She felt his thumb run a gentle massage along her shoulder blade now and up into her neck, and it somehow, magically eased the soreness that radiated from her shoulder into her head and her back.

She wanted to melt into him.

"Stop fidgeting," he chided her, his legs tightening his grip on her.

"Feels nice," she admitted with an involuntary groan, but then she pushed herself back up. Tried to curl up her right hand around his neck but that movement sent a sharp pain throughout her upper body. Beckett bit her lip so hard, that she felt the metallic tang of blood on her tongue.

She was getting too old for this. Getting shot and thinking that she'd get over it after a few days of recovery and sheer willpower.

"What are you doing?" Castle's body stiffened in response to hers and he gently lowered her arm.

"I shouldn't be sitting here," she whined. "I should be upstairs with Lily."

Her daughter, she'd recently discovered, was quite possibly a worse patient than she was. She'd come down with a nasty cold a couple of days ago and had mostly coped with it by burying herself under the covers of her bed and not getting back out. Like a bear in hibernation. Dead to the world.

Lily didn't want anyone around her, especially not her mother. She refused to take any one of the dozen cold medicines Castle had tried to coax into her. Refused to eat much of anything. Had to be forced to drink warm fluids to keep her alive.

"She's been in bed for two days straight, and now she has a fever too. I'm really worried about her."

"She does this when she gets sick all the time. Shuts herself off from the world."

Beckett pushed herself back up so she could turn around and face him. No matter how much it hurt. "It's not normal. To not let anyone comfort her, take care of her…to refuse the medication."

"If anyone can get her to take it, it's Alexis," Castle told her, helping her sit up straight by putting his hands on her ribs. "Alexis is always the only one who has any luck with her when she's sick."

"Alexis is _pregnant_ ," Beckett argued, slowly swinging her legs off the couch and onto the floor. She was moving like a ninety-year old. "She shouldn't be up there with her. Shouldn't risk catching that nasty cold." It gutted her to think that Lily had probably gotten sick from being so wet and cold in that basement. Then running outside in the cold early winter weather while terrified for her life.

"Hey…" Castle squeezed her elbow. "Stop it. You've checked on her at least ten times today. If her fever gets worse I'll call a doctor first thing tomorrow morning."

"If you don't, I will…"

"Kate-" he sighed, still hanging on to her good arm. "It's not the first time she's done this. When she gets sick, she's impossible. She's dramatic and stubborn much like certain other members of this family."

Beckett saw Alexis coming down the stairs and gave her a hopeful look. "Did you get her to take some cold medicine?"

Alexis shook her head. "No luck. She did ask for you though."

Beckett thought she heard wrong. "She _what_?"

"Go see her."

"Really?" She turned to Castle and gave him a ' _can-you-believe-it?'_ look. "She asked for me?" He helped her stand up and Beckett took off for Lily's bedroom.

Castle waited until she was out of sight before giving Alexis the same look that Kate had just given him. "She asked for her? Really?"

Alexis took a seat next to him. "I might've made that up."

"Ah…"

"But I have a feeling that next time Lily's sick, she will ask for her."

Castle didn't hide his surprise. "I think you Kate's day with that little lie."

Alexis smirked. "Good." She stared up at the staircase Beckett had just climbed. "It's weird…I didn't realize until tonight how much of what Lily does, the way she is…how much of it is Beckett. She has this willingness, this ability, to suffer through something alone rather than ask for help. I used to wonder where she got that from, since we'd never have taught her that. But it's who she is."

Castle had always been aware of how much of Beckett there was in Lily, even if he didn't always acknowledge it. "Are things…better with you and Kate?"

"Are you asking if I've stopped being an asshole when it comes to her?"

Castle cringed. Was that really what it sounded like? "I uh, no…not what I meant."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did. But the answer's yes, I have and they are."

"That's…good."

"I was kinda angry when I realized she knew I was pregnant down in that basement…that you told her."

"Sorry."

But Alexis smiled and waved down his apology. "You'd think I had other things to be angry about down there, but I guess I was angry that she knew before Mom did. I think a part of me was even jealous."

"Jealous?"

"Don't ask." Alexis blushed at the memory. "But there was a moment where I wondered if Mom would've done for me what Beckett did for Lily."

"Your Mom loves you. In her own way but just as much."

"You don't have to keep building her up for me. I know that mothering isn't her thing. I know it's not my fault." Alexis sighed. " _I know_."

"She does love you."

"I know that too." Alexis sighed. "It's just…I still haven't been able to get a hold of her. She's still filming that movie in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday I finally gave up. I know, it's not her fault or anything…but I was thinking, why do I always need to try so hard to keep my mother in my life? I'm having a baby and I got kidnapped and she has _no_ idea."

Castle winced. "I think…if she knew, she'd have been here."

Alexis shrugged. "It doesn't really matter. I'll tell her about the baby if and when she calls. In the meantime, I might bug Kate if I have any pressing pregnancy questions."

"I don't think she'll mind."

"I know she won't."

"Come here," Castle moved his arm around her. "Have I mentioned how glad I am that you're okay?"

"I think you did. A few times."

Castle pulled her close. It still took his breath away whenever he gave it a moment's thought. His little girl was going to make him a grandfather soon. "It bears repeating."

 _Upstairs_

"Lily?" It was hard to spot her daughter. Lily had burrowed herself deep underneath her thick comforter and only her dark brown hair was visible.

Beckett sat down on the bed and pulled the comforter back a little, making sure Lily could breathe, congested as she was. "You okay?"

"Go away." Lily tried to pull the comforter back up but Kate stopped her and pushed some hair off her daughter's forehead too. It was moist with feverish perspiration and it made her frown.

Beckett crawled onto the bed, slowly and carefully with her right side facing Lily. "You're burning up."

Lily mumbled something that Beckett couldn't understand.

She stroked her daughter's cheek with the back of her hand. "You really should take one of these cold medicines."

Lily slowly turned onto her back and looked up at her with glazed eyes. "No."

"You'll feel better."

"I'm okay."

"You're not okay."

" _Mom_ …" she whined.

"Let's try."

"No. I can't swallow it. Makes me gag."

The warmth radiated from the skin underneath her finger tips as Beckett's hand trailed her daughter's jawline. "I know but let's try again."

"No, Mom, please."

Beckett eyed the cold medicines on her daughter's bedside table. Castle had bought half a dozen, tablets and syrups, hoping that one of the shapes or flavours might be a success. Might find its way down her sore, swollen throat.

Not one to give up easily, he'd even tried to stuff one of the cold pills into a piece of chicken earlier today. But Lily bit into it and promptly spit out everything.

All of this was so new to Kate; the strange fears and anxieties, compounded with the astounding stubbornness, of an almost-ten-year-old.

The last book on motherhood she'd read was about how to cope with the Terrible Twos.

"Let's do it together."

Lily stared up at her. "Together?"

"Yes. Together."

"You're not sick. I don't want you to be sick."

She gave Lily a lop-sided smile. Sick and cranky as she was, she still had her father's beautiful heart. "Don't worry about that."

Beckett had to turn her entire body around to reach for the pack of children's Tylenol. To figure out how to pour two little pills into her hand and reach for the glass of water at the same time. It was a precarious undertaking. Then she carefully set them both down on the bed and used her good arm to pull her daughter close so she could prop another pillow underneath her, until she wasn't quite sitting up but not longer lying down flat either.

"Can you hold on to the glass of water?"

"Mom, I can't…" she was close to tears. Feverish and miserable.

Kate kissed the top of her head. It was warm. So warm. If she could just get her to take one of the two pills, it might bring down her fever better than the cold compresses they'd wrapped around her arms and legs earlier tonight. "Yes, you can."

"I'm not strong and brave like you."

"Are you kidding me?" Beckett looked at her in disbelief. "Oh yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Lily," she put her hand under her daughter's chin, forcing Lily to look at her. "If I'm strong, then you're strong, because I'm a part of you. And you, you're a part of me. You're the reason why I can do things, _survive things_ , that'd I'd never imagined I could possibly do."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. And that part of me, the part that can be strong when I need to be, you have that inside of you too, Lily. It means you can do things that you think are impossible."

"I don't think so-"

"I _know_ so. Now watch me…we'll do it together. No tricks. You're too smart for that." Beckett popped the pill and then swallowed it with a sip of water. "You just swallow the water and pretend that's all there is. Just water."

She handed Lily the second pill. "In your mouth." Then she held the glass of water against her lips. "Then pretend it isn't there and swallow the water. That's it. Piece of cake."

Lily stared at her while she did it and Beckett was fully prepared to dodge a spray of water that never came.

She grinned at her daughter after she swallowed the pill. "You did it! Told you so."

Lily seemed more surprised than anyone that it hadn't come back up. "I did it?"

"You did," Beckett leaned over and slowly removed one of the pillows again so Lily could lie back down, but her daughter's head had already found a new and unexpected resting place on her thigh. "Oh baby," Beckett ran her fingers through her daughter's hair in slow soothing strokes and it seemed to slow Lily's congested breathing. Seemed to help her drift off to sleep.

So Beckett continued, staying as still as possible, until she was, asleep.

Much later, she was on the verge of drifting off too, when she saw Castle tip-toeing into the room.

"Was starting to get worried," he whispered. "You two okay?"

Beckett nodded. "Got her to swallow a pill."

Delight lit up his face. "No way!"

She grinned. "I think she was too out of it to realize what she was doing," She put the back of her hand on Lily's cheek, pleased to see that it wasn't quite so hot anymore. "Fever went down a bit, I think."

Castle held out his hand to her. "You must be so stiff, sitting like that."

"Didn't want to wake her."

"You're not staying like that all night. Here," Castle grabbed a pillow from the other side of the bed and handed it to her. "Slide her head onto it."

Beckett did as he suggested, relieved to see that it didn't wake her.

"Come on," Castle held his hand out to her again and this time she took it and let him pull her up, noticing only then how sore she was.

"Want me to carry you?" he offered, only half jokingly as he turned off the light. She replied with a look that suggested he was crazy. But she did let him hold on to her hand while he led her out of the room.

He left the door open so that they could hear her if she needed anything.

"Alexis?" Beckett asked with a yawn once they were in the hallway.

"She left an hour ago."

"Ah…"

"I put some leftovers in the fridge for you. Want to warm them up?"

What she was wanted was to shed her clothes and feel the warmth of his body against hers. "Let's go to bed instead."

"Fine then. Twist my arm."

They couldn't do a whole a lot in the bedroom yet. Not with that sling and the fact that she couldn't move a whole lot of anything.

Castle started undressing her before they made it to the bedroom downstairs, undoing a couple of buttons on her blouse as they ambled across the living room.

"Sorry to make you do all the work this week."

"If undressing you is work, then I have the best job in the world."

He'd inched one of his hands into the back of her yoga pants and it heightened her eagerness to slip under the covers with him. "Grey silk pyjamas?"

He'd bought them for her after she got back from the hospital. Found then in some obscenely expensive French lingerie shop and they were already her absolute favourite piece of clothing. Although she'd never floated in a cloud, Kate was certain that if she had it would feel exactly the same as wearing those pyjamas.

"If you insist." He squeezed her ass and then slid his hand out of her pants and cupped the back of her neck with it instead, allowing her to tilt her head back into it when he leaned in for a deep, slow kiss.

"She might not sleep for long," he told her afterwards, as he undid the last two buttons of her blouse, before slowly sliding it over her shoulders and carefully extracting it from her sling.

She wasn't wearing a bra and the desire in his eyes now sent shivers up her spine. How was it possible that he could still look at her body, having seen it often, with all its scars, as though it was the most beautiful thing in the world?

"It's okay. I won't either. I'll check on her."

He'd spent six years doing all this on his own. Revelling not just in the joys and the milestones that came with raising a child but dealing with all the frustrations too. Every cold, every tantrum, every scraped knee for six years. It was her turn now.

"You need sleep too." Castle shuffled his legs around her, wrapped an arm around her waist and slowly lowered her down onto the bed. Kate giggled when he nearly tripped and fell down on her.

"Klutz." It would've hurt like hell had his body weight landed on top of her. But he didn't fall.

Castle extended his strong arms and hovered over her, before bending his elbows and lowering his upper body so that his could play with her breasts. His tongue swirled around her nipples, playfully soft, before his mouth covered and worshipped them both, one at a time, sliding his teeth over each one and awakening all her senses.

Beckett arched her back in response and her left arm immediately protested with a flare of pain.

" _Fuck!"_

"You okay?"

"No," she groaned. "Don't drive me wild if we can't…keep going." It had to be driving him crazy too, all this foreplay and teasing this week. No, not had to, _it did_ , judging from the bulge in his jeans. The one that matched the warmth between her legs.

He tugged at her pants and they slid off her legs, accidentally-on-purpose taking along her panties.

"We can keep going," he suggested.

"Yes." She probably didn't have to say it, not while she was looking at him as though she wanted to eat him up.

"We can do this without you moving around and fidgeting. Without your surgeon coming to kill me tomorrow. We've done it before."

They'd recovered from two near-fatal bullet wounds together. They had done this before, sex with even less mobility and strength. Some it if had introduced them to interesting new positions, but much of it had been an awkward mess.

Castle promptly shed his own clothes, with a considerably less ceremony than he'd engaged in when taking off hers.

He was naked now when he hovered over her.

"Rick," she moaned, her body arching towards his again, like a magnet.

"Stop moving."

"Fuck you," she fisted the bedsheets in her one hand, the one that wasn't tied up in a sling.

"Working on it, baby."

Not moving in response to way he was trailing kisses down her torso, to the way his tongue was darting into her navel and then moving lower and exploring far more sensitive spots, was _impossibly_ hard. Not moving when he was bringing her close to ecstasy was blissful torture.

Even more so when he suddenly thrust into her, strong and hard, giving him the release he so desperately needed too. His blue eyes darkened and they focused on her face, wanting to see her reaction to every movement while he remained inside her, rocking gently, before finally pulling out and collapsing on his back next to her.

Full. He made her feel so full. He satiated her in ways that nothing and no one else ever could.

"Needed that," he confessed, breathing heavily.

Beckett turned her head, wishing she could move her hand onto his chest, feel the accelerated beat of his heart as it rose and fell. "Yeah, Me too."

"You actually listened and stayed still. I'm impressed."

"No promises next time."

"Guess we're waiting another week."

"Ugh…" she groaned. Goosebumps were lining her arms now, as the cool air of the bedroom chilled the perspiration he'd caused. "Pyjamas?"

"You sure? Didn't you tell me to return them after you accidentally saw the price tag?"

"I'm sure they're not returnable anymore. Not after I've spent the week sleeping in them."

He got up and pulled them out from the nearest drawer. The soft light in the room gave Beckett the chance to admire him in his full glory. The curve of his ass and the subtle definition of his biceps, which she loved to run her fingers along whenever she had the chance.

"Stop ogling."

Beckett ginned as he slid the silk pajama bottoms over her long legs. "You love it, babe."

"Do you really need the top?"

"Yes."

Slipping that over her sling took more care and effort than sliding the bottoms over her legs. "Thanks," she told him when he was done and he started buttoning up the top. Closing only a couple of them to give him easier access. One of his hands always seemed to end up on part of her mid-section when she slept. Just as hers always gravitated towards his arms and his ass.

He moved a couple of pillows under left side when he was done. Still naked and still making her smile.

"Comfy?"

"Very."

"You sure you don't want some food?"

"I want you to crawl into bed with me."

"So demanding tonight."

He didn't see her rolling her eyes. And she didn't see his smirk as he slowly started spooning her, worming his way through the small mound of pillows, until one of his legs was between hers and a flat palm rested on her stomach, claiming her.

"Good?" She felt his lips against the nape of her neck, felt her body relaxing into his.

"Better than good."

"Sleep," he whispered.

She closed her eyes, knowing that she would. That it wouldn't take long before she drifted off in all this bliss but that she probably wouldn't stay asleep for long.

She never did anymore. It was one more new reality to adjust to.

Not that it mattered when she already had so much more than she would have dared to hope for a month ago.


	38. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"… _she had discovered the sacrament of life did not demand memory. Like a leaf that drank from the morning dew, you didn't question the sunrise or the sweet taste in your mouth. You just drank." – R. Denfeld "The Child Finder"_

 _Castle residence, NYC_

 _One month later_

In the end they caught not one killer but two.

Turns out that the case she'd been over-seeing that started it all, the Boxcutter Killer, had ties to Nick Nieman. The two men met at a strip club not long after she'd killed Kelly Nieman and they'd been drawn to each other. Two men living on the fringes of normal and harboring similar desires.

For Nieman it was a bonus, taking part in a series of murders that ultimately ended up in the jurisdiction of her precinct. It had planted a seed in his twisted mind.

He discovered that he liked to kill and at the same time he wanted revenge. He was a scientist who loved to experiment without the barriers of rules, regulations and ethics. It was such a perfect combination. Getting a chance to help kill and trying to find a way to blame his sister's killer for it.

There were still many things that didn't make sense. Why take her to Philadelphia? Why make the effort to weasel himself into Lily's orbit as her swim coach? What was his plan for her daughter? Had he planned to dump her at that cabin near Albany or was that a mistake?

They'd arrested the Boxcutter Killer a few days ago in Tampa Bay and it was all thanks to the encrypted notes they'd found on one of Nieman's hard drives. Being the scientist that he was, Nieman couldn't help but catalogue some of what he'd done over the last six years.

But he was brilliant too, so of course he'd encrypted his reports and written them in a short hand that was unintelligible to the techs that first found them on his hard drive.

After all, what was the point of turning her into a killer if the world found out he'd forced her to do it?

Maybe if it had been left in the hands of the NYPD they wouldn't have decoded any of it, but her successor, Captain Yamato, and her former boss, Victoria Gates, now the Assistant Chief of Police, were pulling out all stops on this one and they'd brought in some of the best code breakers from the FBI and Homeland Security to help them out.

So while they were in the process of deciphering everything bit by bit, Beckett had received permission to see the reports they put together. At least the ones that concerned her.

That's what she was doing now, sitting in the study at the crack of dawn before the rest of the loft came to life. A cup of steaming coffee stood next to her laptop and she opened up Javier's latest e-mail with a mix of curiosity and apprehension.

She'd read the first couple of reports together with Castle, but now she preferred to do it on her own, because she couldn't handle the effect they had on him. Sometimes she did it at the PI agency when he wasn't there. She'd started working there a couple of weeks ago, because she needed work and all the distractions that came with it and he desperately needed an assistant, because all this time later, he still avoided paperwork like the plague.

Reading Nieman's notes gave her goosebumps too, and more often than not they made her bitter and angry. She didn't want to be angry on Lily's birthday of all days. But then she'd woken up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep and suddenly her need to know over-powered everything else again.

Kate took a sip of coffee and began to read the e-mail.

A personal note from Esposito was at the top.

 _-Have I mentioned how glad I am that you killed that sonofabitch?_

A smile lifted her lips and she took another sip of coffee before reading the rest.

-36 hours no food. First test of malleability during food depravation  
-Dosages all adjusted

A now-familiar list of drugs followed but they made her wince every time. Drugs that erased her memory. Raised her aggression. Made her compliant. Made her desperate. Sometimes all at once.

-Subject unconscious  
-No Narcan this time  
-saline IV (12 hours)  
-Three fucking days wasted  
-Dosages require further adjustment

And sometimes they just knocked her out and made her sick.

The next scribble was dated three weeks later.

-Let subject leave base for four hours without restraints  
-Came back willingly for next injection  
-HUGE HUGE SUCCESS

"Good morning." The voice from behind startled her but the strong, familiar hand that squeezed her shoulder immediately calmed her again.

Beckett turned around to see her half-awake partner standing behind her. He bent down to kiss her cheek and the scratch of his scruffy cheek against hers made her smile. "You're gonna have to shave before the party."

He helped himself to a sip of coffee from her mug. They'd slipped back into these small, intimate gestures so quickly. So easily. "How come you're up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep."

He glanced at the computer screen ahead, running one hand through his thick, messy hair. "Espo send you another report?"

"He did."

Castle frowned. He didn't particularly like her reading them. They upset him too much.

Although she appreciated his need to protect her, Beckett knew he wouldn't and couldn't stop her. Unpleasant or not, she wanted to know what Nieman did to her. She wanted to know what _she_ did for six years. Sometimes his words still haunted her. " _You did terrible things_."

Most of all, she wanted to remember.

"Trigger anything?" he asked.

"No," she admitted. The point-form scribbles rarely did. She'd had a handful of nightmares this past month as well as occasional snippets of what she was certain were memories, sometimes triggered by the strangest things, like an untied shoelace or a piece of orange peel.

"Let's get ready for the birthday party," he told her, his one free hand massaging her shoulder now, inching underneath her pajama top.

It was his way of saying, 'don't read the memos from that house of horrors, not today of all days.'.

"It's barely past six in the morning," Kate protested. "Lily's not even awake yet."

"She will be soon, trust me. This is like Christmas morning for her."

Beckett relented and logged out of her e-mail and turned off the laptop.

Truth was, she was apprehensive about the birthday party too. They hadn't been able to coax Lily into a single swim practice she Nieman had taken her and put her in that tank. For that alone, Beckett wanted to kill him all over again. _You do not get to do that, you asshole. I'm not letting you destroy the one thing she loved more than anything._

She'd offered to take Lily to a new pool. To a different coach. A female coach. But she'd been resistant to it all. _"It's okay,"_ her trauma counsellor had told her. _"She's reacting to what happened and letting herself experience those emotions, even if they are negative ones. Even if she's using an avoidance tactic. It's normal. I'd be more concerned if she was trying to go on as though nothing happened. For now, just give it some time and keep trying to come up with different strategies."_

So a few days ago, Beckett had brought up the idea of a pool party.

"A pool party?" Lily questioned.

"No coaches, no racing. Just you and a bunch of friends at a pool. We'll get music and cool floats. What do you think?"

"Sounds kinda neat."

It was the most enthusiasm for going back into the water that she'd seen from her daughter in weeks, so naturally Beckett had jumped on it.

They rented a hotel pool with a waterslide for three hours today. They decorated it with birthday banners and put together a play list featuring all of her daughter's favourite teen bands, along with a table full of multi-coloured slushies. All for Lily and eight of her friends.

It was an extravagant birthday party, but the expense didn't matter if it got Lily back in the water. If it reminded her how much she loved swimming and if she could once again associate it with something good and wonderful, then both she and Rick agreed that it would be worth it many times over.

"It'll be fine. She'll love it," Castle told her, as if reading her apprehensive thoughts.

The he extended his hand to her. "Come. Shower with me."

Beckett smiled and let him pull her up. "You're such a bully."

"You love it."

He kept doing this. Pulling her out of the darkness effortlessly. Reminding her how much she loved him.

Beckett followed him into the bathroom and watched in amusement as he clumsily took off his clothes because he still wasn't fully awake. Then he turned on the water and slowly steamed up the room.

Maybe they could do more than shower.

* * *

 _Later_

It was a hit.

Lily had stood on the sidelines at first and reluctantly watched her friends jump into the pool. But she hadn't been able to resist joining them for long.

Eventually she'd made her way back into the water and it didn't take her long to remember that this was her element. A half hour later, they watched her slide down the water slide head first and do backflips off an inflatable raft, surrounded by the sound of giggling ten-year olds and the endlessly repetitive lyrics of a boy band that Beckett had never heard of before today.

A giant banner that said "Happy 10th birthday, Lily" was strung across the ceiling above the pool.

She remembered Castle stepping out from behind the table of slushies he was manning to give her a kiss. "You did good. This was an amazing idea."

Now the girls were all dried off and back at the loft. Most of them were up in Lily's room watching a movie after she'd blown out the ten candles of her giant cake which was coated in pink strawberry icing.

Martha had arranged for a caterer to prepare a gorgeous buffet in the living room and now the loft was full of adults too. Lanie was here, and so were Ryan and Esposito, with Ryan bringing his whole family as well as his sister who'd recently divorced. Leon and Alexis were currently dancing to Purple Rain, oblivious to everyone else, and the drinks were flowing freely. Everyone was content, chatty and satiated.

Beckett was far from drunk, but she was feeling a happy buzz after her second glass of wine.

"Wanna dance?" Castle snuck up behind her again and she felt his arm wrap around her waist.

She did, and she told him as much. But there were other priorities. "We need to cut the cake for the kids."

"They can wait. They just stuffed themselves with mac n' cheese, chicken sliders and carrot sticks."

"Come on, help me cut it," she told him. The kitchen was such a mess. She already dreaded the clean-up tonight.

"Fine then," he agreed, but Esposito was calling him to check something out on his phone. "I'll join you in a sec." He was still holding on to her though. "By the way, have I mentioned how much I like this dress?"

Beckett grinned. For a change it didn't feel like a compliment that was meant to make her feel better. She did look in the mirror after putting it on and for the first time in a long time, she liked the image that stared back at her. She felt beautiful, sexy even. Most of all, she felt like the woman she used to be.

The sling was long gone and her shoulder was healing nicely, her movement barely restricted anymore. She was wearing a short, black dress, loose enough to be comfortable yet hugging her skin tightly enough to elicit several pleased looks from the man she loved. And heels too. She'd worn heels again for the first time since coming back.

Her feet were getting sore from standing in them all afternoon, but that too was worth it.

She still wasn't entirely comfortable being around this many people though, so Beckett slipped out of his grasp and snuck off into the kitchen. Given its open concept, the kitchen wasn't much of a refuge but at least it took her away from the heart of the festivities. She knew how much Rick loved this, socializing and being the life of the party, so she told him to stay in the living room. That she'd cut the cake herself.

It was sitting on the granite counter and Beckett searched the cabinet for all the small plates she could find. There were at least 20 people in the loft, including the kids.

Grabbing as many as she could, she heard the dishwasher churning away next to her. _Good call, babe. Start the clean up now._

Next she pulled a large knife from the drawer and began to divide the massive cake into small, square pieces. It was a shame almost, to ruin the impressive cake decorations. The miniature marzipan strawberries, the waves of pink icing and the beautiful cursive writing that spelled out, "Happy 10th Birthday, Lily."

Beckett cut the first piece, surprised that the knife got stuck on an actual piece of strawberry. She pushed down harder and when she brought the knife back up, a big red piece of strawberry was stuck to the knife.

Like a giant drop of blood.

" _Harder. Thrust it into her!"_

Beckett gasped and dropped the knife.

She wasn't here anymore, in the kitchen inside the loft. She was back in Harlem, helping Nieman stab a young woman to death.

" _You gotta help me. Can't do everything alone. So fucking useless!"_

She plunged the knife into the woman's chest. It got stuck amidst her screams and Beckett had a hard time pulling it back out.

 _No, no, no._

Her knees gave out and she slid down to the floor, next to the knife she'd dropped, while the dishwasher kept churning on.

She gasped for air, pressing her hands into her eyes. Willing for the memory to stop.

She didn't want to remember this. Not this.

Not killing.

"Kate?" She could feel Rick's hands on her own, removing them from her face. He was squatting down next to her on the kitchen floor. "What happened?"

Tears had filled the rim of her eyes. "I killed her."

"What?"

"The girl…" Her voice was shaky. "The one they found in the abandoned factory. I helped him kill her. It's why they found a bloody knife there with my prints. He didn't plant it. I remember now…I killed her."

Nieman had been right all along. She'd done terrible, unspeakable things.

"Hey," Rick's thumb ran along her cheek, wiping aside a tear. "Look at me."

"I killed someone." It had been her greatest fear since she came back and it was coming true.

"No," he shook his head, moving to sit next to her on the floor. A continued din of voices chatting and socializing came from the living room. All of them unaware of what was going on in the kitchen. "You didn't."

"I did."

"Kate, listen to me." The way he cupped her jaw with his hand forced her to turn sideways and look at him. Forced her to come back to the present. "You're not a killer."

"How do you _know_?"

"Because I know you. Because even after my daughter was a complete jerk to you and that bastard pumped you full mind-altering drugs you still took a bullet for her rather than hurt her. _That's_ how I know."

"I remembered, Rick…it was real."

"He drugged you, starved you. _abused you_ , and then he made you do things against your will. None of it makes you a killer."

"I don't know…"

" _I_ know." Castle pulled her into an embrace. "And whenever you're not sure of who you are, come to me, Kate. I'll remind you."

"So what do I do?" She wanted to know, marvelling that his belief in her never seemed to waver. "I pretend that the things I'm remembering never happened? I shouldn't be prosecuted for the things I did?"

"Prosecute you for the things you were forced to do? Against your will in order to survive? That's not justice."

"But, Rick…"

"You know what you do?" He'd brought one of her hands up to his lips. Kissed it lightly. "You move on. Because you're a survivor and that's what survivors do. Go back to the NYPD when you're ready and go back to doing what no one else can do like you. Let Lily have a mother again because she was without one for six years. Let me keep loving you." His eyes drank her in. "Keep reminding me that I never have to live without you again. _Please_."

"Mom…"

Beckett hadn't expected to see Lily bolting around the kitchen island behind which they were huddled on the floor together.

She gave them both a funny look. "How come you're sitting on the floor?"

Castle jumped to his feet with admirable speed and pulled Beckett up alongside him, before bending back down to pick up the knife. "We were playing hide and seek."

Lily rolled her eyes, not believing them but not caring enough to pull the truth out of them either. "Can I get a piece of cake?"

"You still hungry?" Beckett tested her voice.

"Not for me, for Nicole. She has to leave soon. I want her to have a piece before she goes home."

Castle found a clean knife and cut her a square piecing. Handing it to Lily on a small plate along with a dessert fork. "Here you go. We'll cut up some more pieces. Come down and grab them whenever you're ready."

"We don't have to end the party already, do we?"

"Heck no," Castle shot back. "It's Saturday and you're ten now. Your friends and my friends can stay as long as they want. I'm not ready to go to bed, are you?"

"No!"

Lily was about to take off with the cake, before she turned around again. "Mom?"

"Yeah…"

"Thanks for the pool party. I loved it."

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "You're welcome. Happy birthday, baby."

"Do you think…we could go swimming there next weekend?"

"You and me?"

"Yeah."

"I, uh, yes. Definitely."

"Cool."

Then she took off without another word and ran up the stairs to her bedroom, where eight of her friends were waiting.

Castle was grinning after she was out of sight. "You hear that? She wants to go swimming!"

Beckett couldn't help the sudden swell of joy in her chest. "I know…"

"Guess you're going swimming next week." He pulled her into another hug, into that endless pool of strength and love. "Have I mentioned that I love you?"

She felt like she was on the verge of tears again. "Ditto."

"You okay?"

"I'm not sure."

"That's all right." He slowly let go of her and cut another two pieces of cake, one for her and one for himself. "Sometimes I wish you didn't want to remember so badly. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't matter. That maybe it's better to bury those six years forever. But if you do…then we'll deal with it. All you have to promise me is that you'll forgive yourself and that you'll stay in our lives."

The guilt was weighing heavily on her, but so was the desire for _this_. This beautiful life with him. "I'll try. I promise you that."

"That's god enough for me. I know you keep your promises." He was grinning now. "Come on, we have a party happening in our living room and we're missing it." He handed her a piece of cake while digging into one of his own. Then he led her back into the living room. Into their circle of friends and family. "You also owe me a dance."

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N** : First and foremost giant thanks to my proof-reader (and also sounding board and venting board and above all, friend), WRTRD for basically taking me under your wing and being so very generous in sharing your writing wisdom with me. I'm beyond grateful.

Thank you also to those who've stuck with this mammoth story and took the time to read and leave me your thoughts. You were so often the inspiration I needed to keep plugging away at it. Finishing lengthy multi-chapters is always a little bittersweet. It's exciting to have reached the finish line but also a little sad to let go of a story that's become a companion of sorts.

Not sure what's coming up next, but I'm still missing this show way too much. I have the beginnings of a very AU post-apocalyptic multi-chapter that's been sitting on my computer for a while, and also an idea for something much shorter, that will combine my love for Caskett and yoga. But I'd also like to maybe try a couple of one-shots. In other words, no idea but always open to suggestions. :)


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